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Can’t sleep, in a rage about ex - should I tel her?

(22 Posts)
LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 01:22:01

My ex has a victim mentality. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive towards me. He frequented webcams and wasn’t faithful. Our breakup almost killed me and he continues to be vile in any dealings I have to have with him.

Outside of this, he’s ‘poor me’ Mr Victim, rallying up the few friends he has giving his version of events that have unfolded over the last 15 years.

His ex worshipped him, continued to worship him throughout our relationship and to the present day. What she doesn’t know is that he cheated on her not once, but twice with women from work and used phone sex chat lines throughout their four years together.

I realise that I may well look like the crazy ex by telling her what he did, but what reason would I have to lie and honestly, I’m not sure I care. I’m sick of him getting away with what he does to women and constantly playing the victim. He doesn’t deserve her attention or sympathy. He treated her like shit and maybe it’s time he paid for that. He’s 46 for fucksake.

I know all the specific details and dates.

He got back in touch with another ex while we were in the process of splitting (he LOVES having his ego stroked and he’s lacking in any actual friends) - an ex he always said he was just using for sex and was disgusted with himself every time he found himself back in bed with her. She’s been his sympathetic ear throughout.

Why should he get to treat women like shit and not only get away with it, but continue to benefit from their blind sympathy?

Should I tell these women what a bastard he actually is? It’s not that I want to hurt them - it’s that I want to save them from wasting another breath on this abusive twat.

LetsGoBitches Wed 25-Apr-18 01:24:37

Lechat, I think you need to let it go and move on.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Wed 25-Apr-18 01:27:12

Sorry but you just sound bitter and jealous now, and that is to a stranger. Why did you break up? It sounds right now it wasn’t your choice and you are looking to make him pay? He may be a horrid person and if so don’t become one also

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 01:33:11

It was over when he gave me whiplash.

For days I’m calm, but then it floods back. I hate what he did to me and what he did to the women before and how there is never any consequence for his behaviour. The police wanted to arrest him and I should have let them. I just couldn’t face it at the time.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Wed 25-Apr-18 01:37:19

Then you have a choice either go back to the police or move on. Right now you are hurting yourself and others. It’s there choice to be involved with him and report anything, as it was yours

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Wed 25-Apr-18 01:38:43

Just get yourself help

SnowGoArea Wed 25-Apr-18 01:40:01

Honestly, you sound like you are more mad at yourself for wasting all those years on someone who freely admitted to you how they have treated other women. I don't mean to sound unkind saying that, I really don't.

He sounds awful but you're free of him now. Don't waste more time being cross and telling on him to his exes. They must know what he's like, they just deny that he's like that with THEM. In which case they won't listen to you anyway as they will already have you labelled as a jealous bitter ex. Would doing that benefit you in any way at all? I can't see that it would.

Hold you head up high, learn from your mistakes, and be glad you didn't spend another precious 5 years (or more) on him.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 01:43:33

Thanks snow. I really needed to hear that. I don’t often get in these states about him but when I do they’re awful. You’re right. I’m free and they’ll possibly find out eventually of their own accord anyway.

I should have run when he told me about his cheating on his ex. Never again.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 01:45:05

I’m shaking from anger and so desperately want to sleep and forget about it. I don’t know what’s triggered these awful feelings tonight.

ChickenMom Wed 25-Apr-18 01:48:44

Fuck it. Why not. If it was me and he’d done all of that, I’d surely tell them. Quick text or email just saying “I believe us girls need to support each other. Hes abusive and he has disrespected you” then tell them briefly what he’s done/said about them. I’d appreciate it if somebody told me the truth! If you don’t do it, who will? You could be saving them years of their life wasted on him. If they ignore it, well you’ve tried your best and maybe they will wake up to him more quickly

Rossiebrown Wed 25-Apr-18 01:48:50

They probably won't believe you OP- Put that effort into building yourself- More assurance of reaping something that way.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 01:59:31

Well, I’d be pretty pissed off if I were trying to help him through one of his ‘the world is out to get me’ phases and found out he’d been cheating on me and would probably welcome the revelation. Or maybe it would cause unnecessary upset, I don’t know.

As is so often (wisely) said on here, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. Which is what I should have done and left years ago.

It’s unjust and unfair and I struggle to let things like that go.

SnowGoArea Wed 25-Apr-18 02:04:00

I totally understand the cycles of anger. It's normal as you come to terms with everything that's happened over a very long period of time (because you're probably looking back at old conversations etc and seeing them in a new light, so it's not even just the recent past that you're mad about).

But you have a future ahead of you that you can shape in so many different ways - all without him, or thoughts of him, in them. Someone like him WILL be miserable forever if they don't gain some insight and impetus to change (unlikely at 46), so perhaps take some solace in that! Your rage and hurt will run its course and happiness will come, whereas he's probably destined to be a lonely trickster for all his days.

And yes, you shouldve run when he told you about cheating on his ex. But so many women don't, it so easy not to. Many spend their whole lives with losers like that because they don't see an alternative. Thankfully that's not you.

I hope you get some peace and some rest soon.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 02:18:21

I feel slightly calmer now, maybe just even for getting this out. I’m a bit younger than him and he put a lot of pressure on me to have his children but I have a history of miscarriages and had a very early stage miscarriage. I’m being investigated for endometriosis which he accused me of making too big a deal of, knowing fuck all about how it effects fertility or anything at all. He felt his time was running out and it was my problem to solve.

He may go on to have more relationships, to abuse more and to cheat more, but I know I won’t be the only person to see him for what he truly is and as snow says, at 46 he’s unlikely to change, particularly as he doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong.

Going to try to sleep and hopefully wake up less distraught.

quizqueen Wed 25-Apr-18 02:18:38

You didn't run when you heard warning signals so what makes you think these other women will listen to you. I would keep well away from him and anyone he mixes with unless you are particularly asked for your opinion. Forget they all exist, his former or future relationships are no longer your business. Be glad of that and move forward.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 02:19:22

Affects* - I must be getting sleepy

HelenCheshire Wed 25-Apr-18 02:20:09

Please let him go. Think of your own well being & that of your family. If he’s an angry, aggressive, abusive man, you just never know what he might do. Letting his ex know some home truths might make him snap and turn on you. I know your angry & filled with rage but one text or email to his ex may just land you in deep water. It’s sad but true. Once a bully always a bully.

LeChatDeNuit Wed 25-Apr-18 02:26:40

Also true Helen, and wise words. Thank you.

SnowGoArea Wed 25-Apr-18 02:27:44

Wow, you've been through the mill with him flowers

CranberryVodka Wed 25-Apr-18 03:25:42

In all honesty OP it won't make a difference and they more than likely already know what he's like and have just chosen to ignore and/or let it go. I think you need to do the same, I have an ex similar to yours but I find just going complete no contact is for the best. Right now you're hurting but please just delete him out of your life, find something else to focus on that's beneficial to you otherwise it will only end up affecting you while your ex continues living happily as he's already shown he lacks feelings and a conscious. Don't waste anymore time on him and let him continue controlling you through your thoughts - you deserve better. Leave him to his life and you live yours to the fullest. He's not worth it trust me.

Isetan Wed 25-Apr-18 08:21:56

The sad truth is there are far too many women who will believe all kinds of bullshit because unfortunately ‘having a man’ is still seen as winning. You had enough red flags but chose to ignore them.

The most liberating thing that happened after my Ex assaulted me was realising that there was absolutely nothing I coul do about his behaviour and accepting my contribution by remaining in a dynamic that was unhealthy for me. I acknowledged the many things that were separate from my Ex but contributed to me staying in a relationship with him and hopefully those forces won’t be so impactful on future relationships I may have.

Detaching has helped me to hopefully help DD accept her father for who he is and not, who she may want him to be.

The opposite to love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

Ohyesiam Wed 25-Apr-18 08:29:03

I doubt she would believe you op. And it would just give you more to feel crap about, for eg she could lash out verbally or bad mouth you, or just the pain of not being believed .
This man sounds dreadful, but you are free of him now. Turn your attention into making your life how you want it, otherwise he is still ruling you isn’t he? What he did was wrong, but if you let it go, you have the upper hand.
Look up Havening on YouTube, it’s used in addictions and ptsd , it’s for getting rid of uncontrollable feelings.
Best of luck op

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