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Ex partners ex intimidating me

(42 Posts)
Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 13:54:45

My partners ex seems to show up wherever i am most recently last week. She didnt do or say anything but i know she followed me in , i was with my 3 year old. She was standing right behind me and my child with her baby in tow then when i saw her she moved off . This has happened once or twice before
She has a restraining order against my partner not me as before they split she alleged that he harassed her by sending text messages and he was convicted. Since then she has repeatedly gone into his workplace ( a major supermarket) although the police have warned her to stop as she could be done for harrassment herself or he could get his restraining order revoked but she continued to show up even though there was a closer supermarket nearer to her of the same name until he left and found something else
She is unaware i know her address but i googled it and sent her a letter asking her to stop harassing me. In it i detailed how she stood behind me then said she was nothing special to look at and because i was upset said i dont fancy women and gave her my bra size as it seemed she wanted to know because i felt followed. I then said in the letter i have written childish words because her behaviour was childish and warned if she stood behind me like that again i will report her to the police. I did also say that although it isnt my business that she had cheated on her ex ( my partner as she had another man's baby 4 months after they split) and said i was confused as to her folowing me as she is still with her new partner and assumed she had moved on
Isaid in the letter that i wish her no animosity or harm, that i just wamt to get on in life and do not wish to have a feud with her or her family and asked her not to respond to my letter. I told her i am an educated person and do not regard myself as a bad person nor have i sent the letter with an evil heart and wished her well.
Is it illegal to send her a letter like that? The letter is from me to her and my partner is unaware ive sent it to her and its all about me saying what i saud to her so there would be no breach of the restraining order if i am correct
I'm worried she is now going to make up lies claiming i am outside her property now she knows i know her address as she tried this with my partner and it was thrown out of court. He was with his mother at the time
Im just worried she is going to make up lies against me being outside her house and i will get arrested . Or she will fake threatning letters from me. Far fetched i know but i am a worrier. I could always report her 4 the above if she tries anything funny

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 13:55:17

Sorry followed me into a shop

ReanimatedSGB Tue 24-Apr-18 14:00:25

Just ignore her, and don't send any more letters. You made a mistake sending the first one, tbh - if she starts to behave aggressively and you feel the need to involve the police or a solicitor, it's going to look like a tit-for-tat squabble between two silly bitches with too much time on their hands.

whatshappening1 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:04:14

As tempting as sending the letter was maybe you shouldn’t have sent it as it shows you are reacting to it. Try not to let it affect your relationship as then she will win and achieve her aim. If you keep putting on a United front with lots of PDAs then hopefully it will be too painful to watch and she will give up

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:06:47

Ok so i shouldnt have sent her a letter but i felt compelled to as i dont have telephone contact details for her
So i can get into trouble for sending one letter? In the letter i reiterated that this will be the first and last time i send her a letter. Im not planning on sending her another one. And im not a bitch.

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:11:17

I dont think she cares for him still she is the one who left my partner and embarked in a rship with someone else so im confused as to her behaviour

Angelf1sh Tue 24-Apr-18 14:11:34

Why on earth did you send that? It certainly sounds like you meant animosity towards her given your comments that she was nothing special to look at and the bra thing was just weird. If I were her I’d take it to the police, whether it gets your partner into trouble will depend on whether they believe he was indirectly contacting her. It certainly sounds like you were harassing her, you had no reason to google her address and no reason to write to her, if you thought she was following you then you should have addressed it at the time. Don’t contact her again.

pizzapine Tue 24-Apr-18 14:16:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Littlechocola Tue 24-Apr-18 14:20:28

Blimey! I don’t know if I followed it all. It sounds like hollyoaks.
Your partner sounds like a catch!

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:22:14

I felt compelled to write to her because i felt threatened . I didnt want to involve the police as it wasnt necesary nor did i want to address it at the time to create an argument in a shop full of people in front of both our children.
In hindsight i should have left it
However her mother has driven up to me and my toddler made remarks and i just feel all around intimidated
Im not sure why you think me saying shes nothing special to look at is me meaning harm..get off your high horse. I said it in the context of she stood behind me waiting for me to look at her
That is why i said it. I then went on to write that i know what ive just written is childish but that's because i felt her behaviour was childish so i did address my comment.

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:26:19

The only nutjob is someone who calls another a nutjob. You shouldnt be on a site like this
I reported your comment
I said i felt intimidated and harassed thats why i sent a letter as i didn't want to approach her or call the police on her- shes just had a baby
So i wrote a letter i didnt send bailiffs to her door with the way you people are carrying on
If you dont have anything constructive to say just dont comment

QueenofSerene Tue 24-Apr-18 14:29:01

I wouldn’t have sent her a letter tbh, I’ve got a dvo against a previous partner and it includes by default if anyone tries to contact me on “his behalf”, so a family member or new partner is covered by this. Recently it was noticed that in my rental my ensuite is leaking through the wall and I had to call the realtor to ask for maintenance, the first company they suggested is a cousin of my ex and I had to disclose that I’d be uncomfortable with that scenario as I wouldn’t know who would be coming out and the cousin might bring it up in conversation with my ex and then he’d know where I lived so the realtor cancelled that quote.

I’m in Australia so laws may be different overseas but I’d be very cautious of interference in this situation.

Angelf1sh Tue 24-Apr-18 14:29:24

My high horse? If you can’t see that writing to someone to tell them “you’re nothing special to look at” and your bra size is harassing then you have more problems than I’d realised from your initial post. The “context” of her standing behind you in a public place some hours or possibly even days beforehand in no way changes that.

Littlechocola Tue 24-Apr-18 14:33:27

Has she actually followed you? She stood behind you in a shop but has she followed you at any other time?

Noqonterfy Tue 24-Apr-18 14:39:06

Sounds difficult but you're only fueling the fire by sending a letter like that. Your letter does sound extremely odd. I think you should use official channels to report her if you think she is following you, not resorting to googling her address and sending her letters. It doesn't paint you in a good light either.

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:41:55

Yes she has twice before but i cant prove it. This is why i wrote a letter . Hence why i dont want to involve police. As i explained i didnt say she was nothing special to look at becsuse i wanted to be nasty its because she stood there waiting for me to notice her. She stood about 2 feet away. That's intimidation in my book. I said i will contact the police if she does it again. I have not threatened her at all.

whatshappening1 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:42:47

Dolphin if you feel intimated or harassed again try and get proof ie record it on your phone if they come up to you in street or if they message you take screenshots. You to take this to the police and hopefully they will be able to help you. Don’t send another letter though

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 24-Apr-18 14:43:57

Yes I think you potentially could get in trouble for it, given the restraining order against him.

You just need to ignore her if ever she appears in your vicinity again, and then contact the police on 101 if you feel her presence was deliberate. You can’t deal with this kind of thing directly when a restraining order is in place.

bonpinkbon Tue 24-Apr-18 14:44:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isetan Tue 24-Apr-18 14:47:18

You weren't compelled to send her a letter, you chose to. Did it never occur to you that your response is exactly what she wanted?

Despite your best efforts to argue otherwise, your letter was a backwards step. In future document her behaviour and go to the Police. The danger now is that you've taken her bait, you've left yourself open to an escalation.

Dolphin321 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:47:49

Angel i wrote that as she was stood right beside me awaiting me to notice her. It was a bit disturbing. I was angry when i wrote that. So i said you are nothing special to look at. I hindsight i know i shouldnt have written it and i did say in the letter my comments are childish as her behaviour was childish. If i didnt think i might have been in the wrong i wouldnt be on this site .
To address why i mentioned my bra size again out of anger i wondered why on earth she was stood staring at me. It was an idiot thing to write i know which again is why im on here. Im not looking for responses patting me on the back i am trying to find out if what i wrote ..and I've only ever written one letter is illegal . I already know it was stupid

MistressDeeCee Tue 24-Apr-18 14:50:42

Not a wise letter. But I won't judge, because unless and until this kind of thing happens to somebody, they won't know how you feel.

It's often the case that in the face of irrational behaviour, you are expected to remain calm and know exactly what to do and how to react - and you are to blame if you don't.

I don't think you will get in trouble for this. She's not even in trouble for breaking the terms of a restraining order! You've detailed that she's following you. You have not threatened her.

I hope she stops now but if she doesn't, don't hesitate to go to the police for advice. No-one can guarantee her strange behaviour won't escalate so in fact I'd mention it to police now. You can ring 101 for advice, seewhat they think.

Honestpotato Tue 24-Apr-18 15:06:32

The letter, what you put in it and to actually search out her address is ridiculous.

Does your partner know of the letter? If not I imagine he would be pretty annoyed that you've potentially done something to affect him legally. I would be annoyed if my partner did this and I had some kind of order against me. How will you feel if he gets into trouble for this - it could be seen as him indirectly trying to harass her.

It does seem like you are quite petty, who on earth would want to be left alone by someone they feel is harassing them yet wants them to know their bloody bra size and then goad them by saying they aren't much to look at - madness!

bonnyshide Tue 24-Apr-18 15:27:32

You googled her address and sent her a letter, given by her your bra size etc. shock

Please get yourself some counselling.

bonnyshide Tue 24-Apr-18 15:29:30

Yes, I would say what you have done is not legal (considering your partner has a restraining order against him) you may get him into trouble and possibly yourself too.

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