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What would you think of this response?

(77 Posts)
FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 11:52:58

Sorry, it's long, but there's a lot of background.

Dh regularly works away for long periods of time, sometimes with little contact, although the fun excursions are usually on FB asap so his friends know what a wonderful time he's having.

On the last trip (5months long) he was a bit detached (his words), but obviously had some good times - went to a few parties with a colleague (male), lots of sightseeing, eating/drinking out, asked female colleague, who had stolen something from a bar for him, out for a drink (alone), hadn't been wearing his wedding ring until I noticed it in a FB pic and questioned it, looked up tinder on google play (DS tablet was linked to the account, I checked history after it popped up to see why it was there) one party night but 'didn't remember' and couldn't say why he'd done it until he checked back with his colleague. Also turned out he'd been checking out copious amounts of porn (by then a regular everyday thing) and lying about it for the past 7/8 years, after saying he wouldn't use it again. (His idea, not pushed into it, he wasn't interested in shared stuff. ) Also had an email acc attached to the Xbox account which I wasn't really aware of, which had a number of permanently deleted (and therefore unrecoverable ) emails, apparently last accessed just before he got back. Which is supposed to be just a glitch or something.

In the years prior to this he's told me about colleagues who look upon working away as 'a chance to get their end away', quite a large proportion by the sounds of it. And some who visit prostitutes while away. He always used to bring it up in a jokey kind of way. Now we've had massive arguments over his most recent time away and I found out he's been happily lying to me for years because he didn't think looking at porn was bad (not as bad as shagging around? Is that what he means? Didn't mind lying about it), I'm becoming anxious about his next trip, in a few weeks.

Add to that I caught him having taken a condom away on a work do and not returning with it, and seeing a friend of his behind my back to the extent he was going to split with me and see her. That was 15-20yrs ago, forgotten but brought up because of recent events. He's supposedly more mature now, but I'm left wondering what else he could have been lying about in the intervening years. I've made it clear a number of times I now need reassurance in word and deed, his usual initial reaction is to be pissed off (I'm asking q, catching him in a lie, or not just letting it go like I did before). I totally do not want to be caught out again.

So, talking about ppl looking forward to the trip last night. I'm anxious, and say something along the lines of 'I don't understand why some ppl just see working away as an opportunity to cheat'. He asks what has brought this on, can't remember what I said, but he rolls his eyes and shakes his head. At which point I get pissed off because with a week till he goes away I'm hoping for reassurance, not dismissive gestures.

How would you interpret it? I'm not on at him every day, but it seems his first response is annoyance, while I think I deserve more empathy and consideration at this point. Am I being unreasonable?

AjasLipstick Tue 24-Apr-18 12:38:19

I tell you what OP...the relationship sounds like bloody torture for you. And you have to ask yourself why do you think you're not worth far more than this?

He seems to be exhibiting NO respect or love for you....have you ever thought about leaving him?

You say you're anxious about him going away...would him cheating be honestly worse than this insecurity and fear? What's he actually giving to your life that's good?

Crispbutty Tue 24-Apr-18 12:42:12

There are so many things in that background story which would have had me kicking him out of the door for good if it were me in your shoes.

Why keep putting up with this?

category12 Tue 24-Apr-18 12:44:53

Lots of things coming to a tipping point, perhaps? Sometimes hanging on is worse than letting go.

Aprilmightbemynewname Tue 24-Apr-18 12:46:20

I would be sending him on a permanent 'trip' - to a new address.
What exactly does he bring to your life?

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 12:46:51

Yep, it has been at times ajas. I'm trying to be sensible rather than emotional about it. Things in the past were dealt with, and porn use/lies aren't always a ltb situation (as a large proportion of mn would assert). So the real problem is him knocking that trust again and seemingly being dismissive about it, which I feel is an unreasonable attitude at this time.
I would have said we were a really good team in the time between the condom/friend incidents and the most recent one. Obviously things were going on which I wasn't aware of. Knowing that now makes me wonder about things I might have missed. Could be something, could be nothing. I'll never know, but I would have thought if he wanted to reassure me, his instant reaction wouldn't be to look pissed off?

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 12:48:38

Lots of things coming to a tipping point, perhaps?
From his point of view or mine, category?

Bonnieblue123 Tue 24-Apr-18 12:49:48

I remember a stage where my ex would “joke” about certain friends cheating on weekends away, almost as though he was trying to prove he wouldn’t dream of it. When I questioned why he joked about it, he’d get defensive but it never sat well with me. Or the time I found a phone bill where he’d been ringing sex lines, not only at night but during the day as well. His excuse was that someone must’ve cloned his number and really thought I was the mad one for even questioning him! I’m out of it now thank God but the anxiety of living like that affected me badly. Please don’t doubt your gut instincts

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork Tue 24-Apr-18 12:54:10

Well, he's cheated on you a number of times and would do so again. The question is whether you are happy to turn a blind eye or not. I'm guessing you've turned all the blind eyes you have and are looking for another path to take.

AjasLipstick Tue 24-Apr-18 13:04:14

OP...it's not a good relationship when it's studded with unkindness and lies like this.

One "mishap" or misjudgement is sort of ok if both parties can move on and get to a new place of respect and love.

But when it keeps happening...you've got to think "How much of this time with this man has been spent happily and how much has been spent in anguish?"

And work out what you want to do.

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:04:26

You say that aunt, but he said he hadn't done anything that first time (obviously I wouldn't believe that again - said he felt guilty so threw it away), and there's no evidence of actual cheating. If there were concrete evidence he wouldn't get the benefit of the doubt now. But as the saying goes what happens on tour, stays on tour. Or whatever. And it's so easy for anything to happen while working away. That's why his apparent attitude concerns me now.

TheStoic Tue 24-Apr-18 13:06:38

Are you sure you are both in a monogamous relationship?

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:08:48

Well I know I am! Obviously I'm now wondering about him. He doesn't go away to the same place each time though, so it's not another dw/DC, if that's what you're thinking

TheStoic Tue 24-Apr-18 13:10:23

Not exactly. I’m thinking that it sounds like he single.

AjasLipstick Tue 24-Apr-18 13:15:37

What stands out to me OP is that he barely contacts you when away. A normal, loving partner wants to talk to their loved-one.

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:19:04

Not too sure why you think that. He doesn't go out drinking and stuff while he's at home. It's only when working away, and that's usual forces behavior. Looking up tinder isn't on for a married man, admittedly, but as always there's a plausible excuse ie looking up to see how many ppl use it.

TheStoic Tue 24-Apr-18 13:21:16

Ok well let him crack on then, I guess?

GorgonLondon Tue 24-Apr-18 13:23:02

as always there's a plausible excuse ie looking up to see how many ppl use it.

How is that a plausible excuse? I can't say I've ever felt the need to know how many people use tinder, and if I did for some reason I'd probably Google "how many people use tinder?". Not install the app.

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:23:10

ajas, again, some of this is due to the circumstances around the job, difference in time zones, etc. Apologies for not making that clear. But yes, on this last occasion he could have made a lot more effort, and he's acknowledged that. Stings a bit when you know he was in a public wifi area downloading naked pics rather than sending an email to the family, but hopefully that's dealt with and won't happen this time.

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:27:48

gorgon I only found that he'd searched for it on google play, I didn't find it installed. But yes, I wondered why he hadn't just googled it too. Apparently it was in a convo because a couple had met on there.

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:29:59

Gee, thx stoic. Not much comment on what you thought his reaction indicated... Unless you're saying his reaction leads you to believe he's cheating while away?

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:33:44

But when it keeps happening...you've got to think "How much of this time with this man has been spent happily and how much has been spent in anguish?"

That's the thing. The majority of it has been good. But finding out he lied about the porn practically all of the good years makes me wonder what else was going on which he's got away with. And whether his dismissive attitude indicates its more likely he's done this than not.

TheStoic Tue 24-Apr-18 13:34:54

It’s not his reaction that makes me think he’s cheating.

It’s: taking his wedding ring off, travelling with condoms that don’t come back with him, ‘researching’ Tinder.

zippey Tue 24-Apr-18 13:38:15

It does sound like there are a number of smoking guns.

If it was his decision to stop looking at porn, could it be his decision to start looking at it again?

Apart from this though, yes it sounds like he is living 2 separate lives, like Jeykel and Hyde.

FritzDonovan Tue 24-Apr-18 13:46:46

Yes, still not all as straightforward as that though, as they take rings off for work (think machinery and accidents), and I guess it wasn't important to him to put it back on every time before going out. He said he'd make more effort to remember when I pointed it out, and did. Though I was annoyed. Apparently his marriage is important to him, the symbol of that can be a bit annoying. hmm
One condom a long time ago.
Tinder in a conversation? Plausible.

I might be a naive idiot, but everything was good until the trust was shaken by the many little things which occurred last time he was away. Individually, I'd not have thought anything of them. It's his attitude I want to understand. Is that the attitude of someone innocent who doesn't like things being raked up, or someone who doesn't give a shit because I'll never know what goes on while he's away anyway?

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