Sorry, it's long, but there's a lot of background.
Dh regularly works away for long periods of time, sometimes with little contact, although the fun excursions are usually on FB asap so his friends know what a wonderful time he's having.
On the last trip (5months long) he was a bit detached (his words), but obviously had some good times - went to a few parties with a colleague (male), lots of sightseeing, eating/drinking out, asked female colleague, who had stolen something from a bar for him, out for a drink (alone), hadn't been wearing his wedding ring until I noticed it in a FB pic and questioned it, looked up tinder on google play (DS tablet was linked to the account, I checked history after it popped up to see why it was there) one party night but 'didn't remember' and couldn't say why he'd done it until he checked back with his colleague. Also turned out he'd been checking out copious amounts of porn (by then a regular everyday thing) and lying about it for the past 7/8 years, after saying he wouldn't use it again. (His idea, not pushed into it, he wasn't interested in shared stuff. ) Also had an email acc attached to the Xbox account which I wasn't really aware of, which had a number of permanently deleted (and therefore unrecoverable ) emails, apparently last accessed just before he got back. Which is supposed to be just a glitch or something.
In the years prior to this he's told me about colleagues who look upon working away as 'a chance to get their end away', quite a large proportion by the sounds of it. And some who visit prostitutes while away. He always used to bring it up in a jokey kind of way. Now we've had massive arguments over his most recent time away and I found out he's been happily lying to me for years because he didn't think looking at porn was bad (not as bad as shagging around? Is that what he means? Didn't mind lying about it), I'm becoming anxious about his next trip, in a few weeks.
Add to that I caught him having taken a condom away on a work do and not returning with it, and seeing a friend of his behind my back to the extent he was going to split with me and see her. That was 15-20yrs ago, forgotten but brought up because of recent events. He's supposedly more mature now, but I'm left wondering what else he could have been lying about in the intervening years. I've made it clear a number of times I now need reassurance in word and deed, his usual initial reaction is to be pissed off (I'm asking q, catching him in a lie, or not just letting it go like I did before). I totally do not want to be caught out again.
So, talking about ppl looking forward to the trip last night. I'm anxious, and say something along the lines of 'I don't understand why some ppl just see working away as an opportunity to cheat'. He asks what has brought this on, can't remember what I said, but he rolls his eyes and shakes his head. At which point I get pissed off because with a week till he goes away I'm hoping for reassurance, not dismissive gestures.
How would you interpret it? I'm not on at him every day, but it seems his first response is annoyance, while I think I deserve more empathy and consideration at this point. Am I being unreasonable?
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What would you think of this response?
FritzDonovan · 24/04/2018 11:52
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