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Is this out of order?

(135 Posts)
Grounded03 Tue 24-Apr-18 10:14:19

Hi all,

Longtime lurker here and would really appreciate your point of view on this situation.

I've been feeling a bit stressed and wobbly about work and life recently, and about my marriage too. DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 kids and have always had quite a fiery relationship - we are both argumentative and can be stubborn, and wind each other up at times. But I have huge respect and love for him too. We both work in stressful jobs and our sex life has been pretty non existent recently, which I tend to bring up every few weeks or so and get upset about but it feels like we're both stuck.

Whenever we argue, he can be very spiteful and I can be sulky and over emotional. My mind immediately springs to 'this is it, we'll have to end things', which is often an overreaction I think, but then at other times I wonder if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I went on his laptop at the weekend to finish an online shop and saw it was open on Facebook on this profile of a girl I know he is friends with - they studied together a couple of years ago and have stayed in touch I think. She once popped up as a suggested friend for me a while back. She is gorgeous and mid-20s, about 15 years younger than DH & me. Anyway, messenger was open on FB and it was an old thread saying thanks for lunch and cocktails etc, from back in July. I was a bit confused/jealous/pissed off but let it go and didn't mention it.

Fast forward to yesterday, DH says he's going to London today to possibly meet up with a work colleague about a new opportunity (I know this is true), do some shopping etc. I got a bit moody as I immediately thought I wonder if he is going to meet this girl. But he didn't mention he was at any point last night when he was talking about his plans.

This morning I checked his phone while he was in shower (something which I don't do, and which I am not proud of at all) and have seen that he texted her yesterday arranging to meet for lunch today. I played it cool and at breakfast with the kids again asked him what his plans were for the day. Again no mention of meeting her.

So he's gone off and I have gone to work and can't concentrate thinking about all of this. We've never been in this situation where I have been checking up on him or testing him. I know his version will be that he didn't want to tell me as he thought I'd be angry with him, and that they are just friends. He does have platonic girl friends, but I usually know them.

Would this be acceptable to you? I will ask him again tonight and see if he says anything. I think he might drop in casually that he saw her and make out it was just a last minute arrangement. But it just doesn't sit right to me, and I hate feeling like I can't trust him. If he still doesn't mention he met her then I think we have a real problem.

If you've made it to the end, thank you!

AnyFucker Tue 24-Apr-18 10:18:40

Would it be acceptable for my husband to go on dates with other women ?

Err, nope.

Bonez Tue 24-Apr-18 10:19:33

I wouldn't be happy about this. See if he mentions it when he gets back. If not, tell him you know he met with her and why not tell you.

Grounded03 Tue 24-Apr-18 10:31:23

Thanks for the replies.

AnyFucker, my husband has always had male and female friends through work etc, they often go for lunch. He's the kind of guy people turn to for advice etc, he's often the big brother figure for a lot of people. I don't mind him doing this and don't see it as a 'date' necessarily, it's the fact that he has lied by omission this time.

Bonez, yes, I am planning on doing this but am embarrassed to admit I've been snooping on his phone - I know he will hate this! (As would I).

Aprilmightbemynewname Tue 24-Apr-18 10:33:51

Imo a private 'friendship' is unacceptable. If it was open and honest I would say its innocent. You know how you feel op and it isn't comfortable is it?

HollowTalk Tue 24-Apr-18 10:34:47

If it's arranged like that, it's hard not to see it as a date, rather than as a meeting with a friend. I don't know why you didn't mention the lunch and cocktails from last summer - I wouldn't have been able to let that go by.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Apr-18 10:34:51

Phone him at lunchtime, ask him what he's up to and see what he says?

Sorry but this furtive behaviour/lying by omission does not sound good.

I would be open about it this eve and unleash hell, to be honest!

Grounded03 Tue 24-Apr-18 10:55:42

HollowTalk - I didn't want him to think I'd been snooping and reading his FB. And also, I think he did mention in passing that he'd met up with her, but 'cocktails' pissed me off a bit.

It's quite unlike me to call him in the day when I am working so I think I will just see how it pans out this evening. I know he will know something is up as I am pretty terrible at hiding my moods!

Thank you for all your responses, it makes me feel so much better to know I have some virtual people rooting for me and making me realise I'm not crazy, I really appreciate it.

NotFromAJedi Tue 24-Apr-18 10:59:33

This stinks to high heaven OP. Agree with GreenFingers! Sorry you have to deal with this sad

QuiteLikely5 Tue 24-Apr-18 11:06:20

I understand what you are saying about him having lots of friends of both sexes. And that’s ok, assuming you have never expressed any type of upset then he would never have a reason to keep this meeting quiet other than negative reasons

And by that reasoning he is being downright shady!

Tbh I would just tell him something flashed up on his phone while he was in the shower and it caught your eye

Luckingfovely Tue 24-Apr-18 11:12:13

Meeting friends of either sex with your full knowledge is a-okay.

Meeting up with other women behind your back and lying to you about it? Nope, not okay at all, ever. He has broken your trust here.

Play it by ear tonight but this would be a massive problem for me.

Aprilmightbemynewname Tue 24-Apr-18 12:05:55

Op have you prepared for his busy day turning into having to stay over?

SunshineAfterRain Tue 24-Apr-18 12:20:09

Another one just confirming what previous posters said.
I am more than comfortable with my dp having friends or both sex- as do I.
But neither of us would lie by omission about meeting up with then, as there would be nothing more to it.

I hope it is just a silly error on his part though. Good luck OP

Grounded03 Tue 24-Apr-18 13:17:18

He's just sent me a friendly text, just at the time he was due to meet her for lunch, which I am sensing he's sent because he's feeling guilty. He's also said he 'hasn't managed to meet up with anyone' and might come home early.

I'm now thinking I will have to check his phone/FB later to see if he did meet up with her (unless he deletes any texts). If he did, then he has just outed himself as lying.

I always thought my husband was above doing all this shit.

TiredMummy18 Tue 24-Apr-18 13:23:20

The “I didn’t say anything coz I knew you would react like this” excuse is absolutely bullshit. He didn’t tell you because he knows it’s wrong.

I’d do some more digging, find out if he met her and what the tone of the conversations are. You don’t want to say anything without more proof because he will then just start to delete things and possibly put a passcode on his phone

AnyFucker Tue 24-Apr-18 14:26:02

He is doing it behind your back despite you giving him ample opportunity to mention it as just another matey catch up that you say does not worry you, so why would he conceal it ?

This is a date.

Adora10 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:29:54

That is awful, sneaky snidy git up to no good OP, why else keep it a secret.

AnyFucker Tue 24-Apr-18 14:31:27

And now you are caught up in the shitty cycle of not trusting a word he says and having to double check it by snooping

His shady behaviour has caused this so don't blame yourself. I would be speaking to him very directly about this and not accepting any attempted deflections about you "snooping". If he wasn't giving you case for concern then you would not be concerned. If he tries to turn it back on you I would be considering telling him to leave or to leave myself.

He is a liar. Lying by omission is still lying. Did you envisage a life like this ?

Adayindisney67 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:34:44

I'm sorry OP but you are very passive. What he is doing is wrong and I would have rang and disturbed their cosy private meeting. He is a liar and that's not okay.
Yeah sure its possible to be friendly with the opposite sex. But I'm not niave enough to not realise what is TOO close and seceret.

Stop allowing this behaviour!

Grounded03 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:53:42

If you knew me in real life you wouldn't think I was passive, honestly.

I am biding my time and want to find out if they did actually meet up. I don't want to question him about it before I have proof and the facts that he can't dispute, and proof that he has lied. If they did meet up, and he has lied about it, don't worry, there is going to be hell and I will have a serious think about the future of our relationship. There is no going back from that.

If they didn't meet up, I also want to get to the bottom of why and what happened so I am clear on the facts before I talk to him. Did he pull out? Or did she cancel? I am in a way hoping they did meet up so at least I have clear proof that he has been very dishonest.

Aw12345 Tue 24-Apr-18 14:57:58

Absolutely no way I'd put up with that!

Horrible for you :-( especially after so long with him. And what on earth is he thinking doing that with a 20 year old?

MiniTheMinx Tue 24-Apr-18 15:16:53

I wouldn't say anything that gave away the fact I'd been snooping. I would watch him closely when he got home. I'd ask questions about his day, I'd be sweet and charming, and watch his responses, his body language and listen carefully. I'd allow him to construct an entire false narrative. Then I'd say something like "oh so glad you had a great lunch with Fred, it's funny but I thought there was something odd, did she mind that Fred came too?"

Or I might let him think he'd got away with it. Whilst I continued to snoop for more proof.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Apr-18 16:14:40

Can you try and get hold of his phone/laptop etc this evening? Check messages etc before he has a chance to delete them.

Yes, ask him about his day, see if he answers with vague/non committal answers or if he makes eye contact with you. You'll know if he's lying.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 24-Apr-18 16:14:50

Trust your gut.

Butterymuffin Tue 24-Apr-18 16:18:19

I'd say nothing till I had had chance to check his phone again. Don't alert him before you do that.

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