Really, really stuck. I need wise words.

[Tothetwigletzone]

NC here, been around a while. Here’s the back story. My DH and I have been together for most of our lives, we are now mid fifties with grown up DC. He has worked so hard for all of us, and we’ve had great fun together. He was able to stop work a few years ago, so life was set fair.

Three years ago, he beacame unwell. Nothing specific, general malaise, achy joints, tiredness. It gradually got worse, and every symptom he read about he now finds he has. He’s seen so many doctors, had blood tests galore, nothing found except low testosterone. He is also clearly dealing with depression of some kind. He has good and bad days, and sometimes it’s like the old DH is back, but it doesn’t last long.

For better for worse, and everything, and I’ve been coping OK with trying to help him along. He is very, very private and doesn’t want anybody else to know how he is feeling, so I am his only outlet. Which is sometimes really hard. He is in a bubble of sadness and a fair bit of anger and self pity as well. He won’t take any medication, except for vitamin supplements. We have had sex maybe six times in three years, and nothing for the last six months. We get along well, despite everything, and life isn’t terrible compared to many.

So this is where it gets weird. I have a hobby that gets me outside and is a massive stress buster. It’s been the only time I get away from the situation at home. I’ve met some really good people through it, and loved being able to stay fit. We had a weekend away recently, and there was a pub session in the evening. And I maybe had taken drink but it all came out to one of the men I’ve got to know. God knows why, but I told him all the gory details, poor man. First time I’ve told anybody. And when I had finished telling him, and crying, he gave me a huge hug and kissed the top of my head. That was it, I reeled sadly off to bed afterwards. Breakfast was a bit awkward, but he was so nice about it.

That one episode has brought out a whole bunch of feelings and emotions that were stuffed away in a dark corner. What if this is my life now? What if I never have sex again? I miss it so much, and having somebody actually touch me has left me reeling a bit. My poor DH recoils when I get near, and I’d got used to it until now.

Somebody please give me a virtual slap, or tell me how to get over myself. At the moment, all I want to do is find somebody who will make me feel not dead from the neck down and lock myself in a darkened room with them. It’s also left me resenting DH which I really don’t want to. This must happen to loads of people, how do you work through it?
Sorry this is so long, hope some of you have got to the end.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

Do you really have to get over it?
Why doesn't your husband want to use testogel or something to raise his testosterone level?
It could well improve his issues with depression.
I don't personally know if I could consign myself to a life with someone who doesn't want intimacy.

[sameoldsame]

Why is it so bad to offload to someone
Your husband asking you to basically keep this a secret for his prides sake is not on

You need to be able to talk to people and get support.

Don’t over analyse that you spoke to this man about it, it could have been anyone and you’ve clearly been bottling it up.

You need your own support in this, and your DH needs to get out of denial that all he can do is take some vitamins. He needs to go to a specialist and sort this out.

[Ryder63]

Oh dear, OP - I do feel for you. Your DH needs an interest in life other than his (imagined) ill health. I'd be frank, and tell him that your relationship isnt currently working for you. His health 'concerns' shouldn't be making your home life a misery like this.

[pog100]

I really think you need to shake this up. You need a deadly serious, calm talk with your husband about how the relationship is totally unfair on you. Supporting a spouse through illness is one thing but supporting a spouse through an undiagnosed, untreated illness with a veil of silence and no support for you is another. It is unsustainable and he needs to know and change.

[GladysKnight]

Imagine for a moment that it was the other way around, that you were unwell in a way that massively impacted on your husband's happiness and wellbeing. Would you insist he put up with it in secret out of pride? I very much doubt it. He is effectively bullying you - to your detriment and his own. You need to tell him you can't put up with this indefinitely and he either seeks help or he continues in his bubble without your 'cooperation'/collusion.

My dh was a bit like this, but with a physical illness that we both knew was life threatening but he resisted the necessary treatment for a while. It made me very angry. You are allowed to be angry too! Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to put up with this. Tell him he can choose not to seek treatment, but you can choose to not collude and endure it.

[SnoogyWoo]

Has he been tested for Coeliac disease? They are the exact symptoms I had before being diagnosed.

[Huskylover1]

No virtual slap from me!

I think you are amazing, to have stuck with him this far.

In your shoes, personally I would probably have gone the whole hog and shagged the nice man. Yes, I'll get flamed for that, but come on, you've got a miserable DH, no sex for 6 months and then this very nice guy actually makes you feel alive again. You must feel as though the fire in your belly is getting going again.

You don't have to consign yourself to a life of misery. You are only mid 50's.

Maybe you will have more than one man in your life? I myself married very young (20) and though I'd be with him forever. Our relationship lasted 20 years, but then I left him (for different reasons, but that's not really relevant). I am now remarried, and love my current DH to bits. I never would have thought I'd be married twice, but it's been a great success. It's utter bollocks that there's only one person for all of us.

My poor DH recoils when I get near, and I’d got used to it until now

^^ That, by the way, is bloody preposterous! Why is he doing that?

It's crunch time isn't it? Sit him down and tell him that if he doesn't seek help, then you are thinking of leaving him. Give it perhaps 3 months and re-assess.

If nothing has changed by then, and no effort to change by him, then there is NO SHAME in setting yourself free. You've devoted most of your life to being with him and raising children. When is it time to put you first? I'd say right now!

Imagine you just drudging on, with no affection or sex.....I think when you were 85, you'd look back to this younger version of yourself, and wonder why on earth you didn't seek out some good fun and fantastic sex, whilst you still had some oomph in you.

I think you need a mantra. I love this one, which I think probably sums things up for you right now, in so much as to stay put is the safest option, but probably not the best :

"The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for"

[Tothetwigletzone]

Thanks so much for the replies - Huskylover, I like your mantra very much.
The thing is, it isn’t an option to leave him. He’s a mess, struggling to get out of it, although maybe not trying hard enough. It isn’t fair to give him any sort of ultimatum, he’d fall apart. If it was me, and he told me to shape up or ship out, I’d be devastated. We’ve been together since I was 14, and I can’t imagine a life without him.
And he is wrong to conceal things, but it’s the way he deals with it.
And now it sounds like I’m chucking back everyone’s advice, which I don’t mean to.

[sameoldsame]

Saying it’s just “what he does”
Is all fine and dandy until you get to something which could destroy your marriage.
He needs to get proper help for what’s going on. He’s clearly burying his head in the sand

Do you know how bad it is for your own mental and physical health to bury things and never talk about them?? Do you know how ill you could make yourself? Why does that part not seem to matter, but you’re tip toeing round your dh

[CreativeMumma]

i suffer from a hidden illness, which covers all the symptoms you mentioned other than the low testosterone (i'm female). some conditions such as ME & fibromyalgia can be really hard to diagnosis, however if he has been offered medication and wont even try it that isn't helpful.

I know when i first became unwell i felt like my life had been stolen from me, everything i had worked towards was a waste, i was holding my husband back from a normal life and i felt like i would never really be happy again.
It has taken a long time (10 years) but i now feel like i have a life again - not the one i have planned for but a good one regardless. things aren't prefect, there are lots of things i can't do, we don't have sex as often as my husband (or i) would like.

I think you do need an outlet to talk, do you have any friends that can support you? i also think doing a brainstorm of everything you're feeling might help, even if you don't show anyone it.

do you know why he doesn't want to try taking medication? it might help understanding and talking to him about it. but also trying to show /gently explain the impact it is having on you as well, with the view to asking him to at least try.

sending hugs and luck, feel free to DM if you would like to talk more x

[Zaphodsotherhead]

How did he deal with your menopause, OP? Were you allowed to discuss symptoms, talk about the effect it was having on your brain/body? Or did he instantly start to suffer from 'competitive symptomitis'?

He needs a distraction. Something to stop him dwelling on how he feels ALL THE TIME. It won't cure whatever is wrong with him, but it might help him to stop having his life revolve around him all the time.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"The thing is, it isn’t an option to leave him"

And by staying with him what does that achieve for you?.

You are denying yourself your own choice to up sticks and leave and are staying now for your own reasons. You also met this man when you were but 14 years of age, when you yourself had no real life experience behind you. He is all you really know but you've had no life beyond him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship with him now?. This is a man who for whatever reasons does not want to help his own self and also seems happy for you to bear his cross for him. Secrecy surrounding this neither helps you or him.

What do your own now grown up DC think of your situation now, do they contact you very often?. Where is your support in particular; he can choose not to access or do anything but he is not you. What he is doing here is simply dragging you down with him with a result you are not waving but drowning.

[Gazelda]

What would he say if you told him you're struggling with the situation and him not 'allowing' you to talk to others for support? If you told him it is making you sad, unhappy and at risk of real depression?
What if you told him you are going to find a counsellor to help you deal with your unhappiness but in return you expect him to take whatever medication or treatment is recommended for him. Tell him that your relationship is devoid of hope at the moment, by it could so easily be improved.
Do your DC know how difficult things are?

[GladysKnight]

But he's not 'dealing with it', is he, if he is refusing medication? You need to give us the reason he won't try this kind of help, and if you can't tell us, he needs to tell you! It is possible he has something like ME but following retirement, also v likely to be depression: extremely common I believe. Both are certainly genuine illnesses, and in neither case is the best option just to keep asking for more blood tests. You don't have to leave him, but you do have to make it clear this situation is intolerable. Marital obligation flows both ways or it is not a marriage, its enslavement.

[trojanpony]

I think GladysKnight makes a great point
What if the roles were reversed?
You would not want this life for him and he shouldn’t want it for you...

I also think there is a middle ground that isn’t shape up or ship out.
The fact is things do need to change, being his sole outlet and “keeping it secret” is a huge emotional drain and not sustainable he needs proper outside support. He also needs to start to “try”

Right now it doesn’t sound like he is - by “try”I mean practical changes that make a sustained change like taking a daily walk/going to the gym/getting a routine/getting involved in the cooking/taking a class.
Trying does not mean “being more himself” for an afternoon.

[Tothetwigletzone]

Zaphodsotherhead, the menopause question is a good one. It didn’t arise because I was really lucky and sailed through it feeling great, despite the occasional duvet hurling moment. And the fact that I’ve been so well has kind of brought DH lower, because he sees me doing stuff, and can’t join in.
Gazelda and Attila, the DC are interesting in their reactions. DD hasn’t even noticed anything is up, but DS is being lovely, even though I haven’t shared a lot of stuff with him. He’s great with DH as well, and does stuff with him at his own pace.
Creative, thank you for your wise words, it’s good to hear it from the other side, and I’m pleased you are emerging from the tunnel now.
I think this might be a bit of a generational thing - we are just about from the era where people didn’t talk about stuff too much, and DH is one of three brothers, went to a boy’s school, worked in a very blokeish profession.
It does feel odd that I’ve not talked to friends about it, then offloaded on some poor randommer. But actually talking to close friends about it might have made things worse (although it might have avoided the instantly wanting to have lots of sex thing...)

[Tothetwigletzone]

Gladys, he won’t take medication “because of the side effects”, whatever they may be. He’s always been like this, won’t take so much as a paracetamol unless his head is falling off. He’s read somewhere online that testosterone supplements can thin your bones, so of course that’s going to happen to him. Fuck the fucking Internet.

[TeeBee]

Then there are plenty of foods that can boost testosterone. Pomegranate, whey protein, garlic, venison, tuna. Get him to research it.

[Trippedupagain]

Hi there, just want to offer my understanding as I'm a similar age to you and have been through similar. I think replies on here just telling you to leave him or give him some sort of ultimatum are way off and haven't understood what you are saying. Basically you just want a little light at the end of the tunnel, just to know that if you stick it out, it will be okay. No one can tell you that either way, but if you can just shift one little thing you might feel more hopeful. I know when I was in a similar situation, as long as DH occasionally showed me a little affection, a hug or a touch, then I felt okay to carry on. Also, once he finally had some anti-anxiety meds on a low dose, it was like the clouds lifted. He should have taken them thirty years ago, but wouldn't. Somehow seeing a good GP who asked the right questions made all the difference. Anyway, I know I've rambled a bit and obviously the situation isn't identical, but just wanted to offer some sympathy (and big hugs). I also understand why you haven't told friends as I know any friends I've confided even a little bit of this to, have been so judgmental of DH that they can't bring themselves to be civil about him half the time. Sometimes a random person is what you need. Take care xx

[GlitterAndTrauma]

Everything AttilaTheMeerkat said! You are so engrossed in making sure he's happy, he's satisfied and his problems are kept under wraps (fair play to you for all of that, by the way) that you've forgotten about yourself! Ok, so you feel like leaving isn't an option. Personally, it sounds like that's the only option to make sure you are happy but if you feel you can't then you need to do something about your situation. He needs to know how you feel and how this is all affecting you and if he truly loves you, he will get the appropriate help. If he's still unwilling to help himself to improve both of your lives, I guess that says an awful lot about what he thinks of you.

At your age (I'm not saying you're old!) you need to make sure the rest of your life on earth is fulfilling and happy. You should do that at any age but you don't want to get to 60-70 and wish you'd done something sooner. What is life going to be like for you then if you stay in this relationship?

Sit down and have a serious chat with him. If he isn't going to seek help or change his ways for you, you only have two options: stay in the marriage but remain feeling trapped and unhappy as you do now, or leave him, take control of your life and live freely and happily. You have to think about yourself and what is right for you. It's all well and good keeping others satisfied, as long as it is satisfying for you, too.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Will he see a therapist op? It sounds like some of his symptoms are psychosomatic Also wonder if retirement has allowed his unconscious to start dealing with stuff
He's kept hidden.

[GladysKnight]

Trouble is, the side effect of not taking medication is to prolong both his suffering, and yours. By all means suggest he talks to the doc about protecting his skeleton (perhaps he can have that tested as he is fond of tests!), signs up to gym to do weights (exercise paradoxically might help the aches and pains if he works up gradually). But to not even try...His skeleton won't crumble to dust after a few weeks!

I think you need to stop indulging him. Tell him it hurts you that he won't compromise and consider the trade-offs. Calmly, stay rational if you can, but it if it's dismal for you it must be so much worse for him!

He owes it to himself to try the proffered help for at least a month (or however long the doc say it takes to work). Antidepressants might help, though they can take longer. Or he could try taking up walking or similar for his mental health and joints. But carrying on like this is ridiculous.

[GladysKnight]

interesting point from guiltypleasures too. retirement can precipitate all sorts of stuff. He has been needed at work the provider at home, kids not there to be hands on with any more, courting/studying days are over. So now who is he?? Maybe 'sickly boy' is the only other role he can now believe.

Can you get him volunteering at a food bank or something?

[Olddear]

No advice, sorry. I just want to say, I'm 60, I have a bus pass, I've got to this age in the blink of an eye! All I'm saying is, life is very, very short! I'm making the most of every day....don't wait to enjoy it to the full!! It's later than you think....