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Show my cards or wait?

(67 Posts)
showingmycards Mon 23-Apr-18 23:26:16

NC due to acute embarrassment.

I think my husband has seen an escort today.

We had a massive row this morning and I asked him to leave the house. I expected him to drive away but he left on foot. This made me curious as to what his plans were so I stalked him on the Find Friends app.

(For info: we used this so I could find him when we went on holiday and it's just been on ever since. He isn't aware of it still being in use as far as I know but I've just not said anything as it's handy for spying- usually just in terms of checking how far away he is on his way home from work without having to call him etc. But, yes I am clearly a bit mad for having this stalking facility - I accept that.)

So I noticed he was heading into town. He had plans later in the afternoon to meet his friends there but was hours early for that so I kept an eye on where he was going, out of curiosity. So I saw him moving through the streets of the city centre and then he stopped for a while in a place that wasn't a pub or cafe so I looked up what was there and it's an escort agency.

He had sent a text on WhatsApp just before I saw this so I replied to it and it wasn't read for a good 20 minutes. His phone is never out of his hand, especially if he was sat alone in the city centre.

I am not sure exactly how reliable the app is: could he have been somewhere close by? To be honest though, I very much doubt this since it knows exactly where our house is when we're in.

Furthermore, a couple of months ago a similar thing happened... he said he was held up at work and would be home late. I could tell he was lying and more likely going to the pub. Used the app to check my suspicions and low and behold, showed him at a brothel (Different one- works in another town). I confronted him about this- did not mention the find friends app- just said I knew he was lying and he confessed to have gone for drinks with lads from work. Hard thing was that the pub he said they went to was right next to the escort agency so could have been plausible. I then apologised for doubting him...

So, what do we think? Am I paranoid and hormonal? Or is he a lying scumbag? And if the latter, what do I do? Do I have enough evidence to confront him without him weaselling our of it or do I dig for more?

Ideally I want to check his bank account but don't know his login details. I could use his card reader and pinch his debit card out of his wallet to reset the password.

I know, by the way that I am insane on the stalking front- I have issues, don't need a lecture.

WorraLiberty Mon 23-Apr-18 23:31:36

I disagree, I think you do very much need a 'lecture' about stalking.

It's weird, creepy and utterly controlling.

No-one here can tell you whether he's been inside the brothels or just near them. For example, the town centre here is overrun with them...they're mostly in the flats above shops/pubs/various other busy areas.

What people here can tell you is your relationship sounds dead in the water. If there's no trust then there's no relationship.

As for him not answering you for 20 minutes, what do you expect after you'd kicked him out of his home? confused

showingmycards Mon 23-Apr-18 23:39:33

Yep- I admitted to my issues.

The text was in reply to one he had just sent to me.

WorraLiberty Mon 23-Apr-18 23:42:54

Admitting to your issues doesn't make them any less of an issue. In fact it kind of makes it worse as it makes you come across as even more of a control freak.

You two need to split up for good.

Preferably before you steal his debit card and start fucking about with his password.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 24-Apr-18 00:00:43

I don’t think it’s ‘stalking’ when it’s friend finder seeing as you have to accept requests! My DH and I have each other and several other family members on the app and it’s bloody useful at times. It’s very easy to block someone’s access or turn off your location.

As for accuracy, I’ve found it’s good for general area but not always 100% accurate.
Does he have form for paying for sex that you’re aware of? Do you have other issues in your relationship?

showingmycards Tue 24-Apr-18 00:04:47

No form for paying for sex (that I know of!!)

Yeah, going through a rough time really...

Noqonterfy Tue 24-Apr-18 00:11:41

Hmm if there isn't a chance it's 100 percent accurate I don't think I would say anything. I think if you feel that you need to check on him though then it sounds like the relationship has gone completely stale and is already over. flowers

yorkshireyummymummy Tue 24-Apr-18 00:20:19

Christ it’s not stalking fgs.
She’s checking up on her husband who looks like he is cheating on her.
Why on earth would anybody think that is stalking?? She’s not creeping round outside beckhams house , sending 50 letters a day and 300 phone calls!! This is her husband and as we kniw, cheating husbands are not known for telling the truth so you have two,options 1) find out the truth yourself or b) drive your self utterly mad listening to his lies, knowing they are lies and doing nothing about finding out the truth in case you become a stalker?? Bollocks.

showimgmycards......I would be doing the same as you in your shoes. I would do a test and see how accurate the Find Friends app,is by performing a couple of experiments. If it’s accurate they you know where he was..
I would be moving money, never mind just checking the account .
Ultimately, follow your gut instinct. From what you say you know how this is going to end so better to have the truth IMO.
Ihave an ex Friend who was literally driven MAD by her husbands cheating and lies. If you think this is stalking you should hear what she did.......but she was driven to it because her gut told her the truth and he watched her become ill with anorexia as she slowly went mad because of his lies. Better to be called a stalker by someone who just wants to have a go at you rather than show some support than to go mad not knowing the truth.

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Apr-18 00:30:16

Better to be called a stalker by someone who just wants to have a go at you rather than show some support than to go mad not knowing the truth.

Don't be an idiot.

The OP herself said it's stalking and also that he is unaware the app is still in use.

There is no point in going any further with this relationship if it's reached the point where she has to track him behind his back and consider stealing his bank card and changing his password.

He lied about going to the pub. He may or may not be lying about using prostitutes.

Either way, is that a relationship worth staying in?

showingmycards Tue 24-Apr-18 00:38:50

Thanks Yorkshire.

I said it was stalking, yes but it's not in the truest sense.

I do find it a bit strange that anyone wouldn't want to know on what terms they were ending their marriage. It's a bit different ending due to irreconcilable differences than shagging prostitutes?

showingmycards Tue 24-Apr-18 00:41:39

Anyway, I have an update that is beginning to confirm my suspicions.

He's definitely lying to me because he just text saying he missed his train so would be home later than he thought by an hour or so, despite me being able to see that he was already halfway home.

Will watch to see if he revisits the establishment. She must've been amazing, eh..?

diamondsandrose Tue 24-Apr-18 00:56:42

Stalk away, bullshit to the privacy brigade

You can't end a marriage over this unless you can prove it, well of course you could but you would drive yourself nuts for the rest of your life wondering if you'd got it wrong

Keep watching and you'll soon know

user1486956786 Tue 24-Apr-18 01:15:58

I guess you need to confirm 100% if he was at the escort agency first. What is around the agency, are there any cafes, shops he could've been in? I wouldn't bother with his bank because I imagine he would've paid cash surely.

Yes sounds a bit stalkerish but sounds like you've got good reason! Some people on mumsnet recommend private investigators to get answers!

From your last update sounds as though you may be closer to finding the truth.

Changedname3456 Tue 24-Apr-18 01:33:27

There’ve been people prosecuted for using similar apps without the target’s permission and any attempt to access his bank account without his knowledge would definitely be crossing the line.

Consider how you’d feel if he did something similar to you on the grounds that he felt suspicious about your behaviour. Would you feel he was justified in doing so, just to satisfy his “need to know?” Of course you wouldn’t - it’s controlling and EA.

I hope he’s not cheating on you, it’s pretty shifty of him if he is. But you’re being pretty shitty too. Don’t trust him? Then don’t stay with him.

BrainWormsWontWin Tue 24-Apr-18 02:29:13

Speaking as someone who was tracked without permission (husband installed apps on my phone before I put a password on) I find your behaviour deplorable. We had separated, I had good reason for lying as he was an abusive and controlling arsehole. I think if you're seriously thinking of committing fraud by stealing his card and changing his password, your relationship is dead.

That said I'm dead against what he's doing too so I would just call it quits for both your sakes

showingmycards Tue 24-Apr-18 04:44:18

So he got home earlier than expected and said he must've miscalculated the journey time...

Perhaps this is true but the seed of doubt in my head is questioning whether guilt set in as he was texting me because he asked why I was still up so late and I told him the baby (3 months) is unsettled (this was the truth) and sent him a picture of her laughing.

So back to square one with my proof dilemma...

To all those who think I am abhorrent for invading his privacy, please tell me why you think he deserves that respect when he lies and possibly cheats- paying for it as well - while I'm literally left holding the baby.

If he proves me wrong, I'll be more than happy to hold my hands up and admit I'm a control freak but my gut instinct is screaming at me.

Sally2791 Tue 24-Apr-18 05:15:30

Totally agree with needing to know OP and he accepted you on the friend finder app. Not so sure on the bank stuff. To answer your original question I would wait until I had more concrete proof. Maybe use a PI? Look after yourself and protect your sexual health in the meantime.

Sally2791 Tue 24-Apr-18 05:17:07

And I am a great believer in gut feelings

Emma198 Tue 24-Apr-18 05:27:58

Whenever there's posts about suspected cheating they're full of advice to get a PI, steal phones and snoop, log in to iCloud etc but when someone has already done that she gets dogs abuse?!

Sorry you're going through this op. Would be really hard to confront him based on what you have. In your position I know I probably couldn't wait it would be on my mind too much but then what a risk if you're wrong.

showingmycards Tue 24-Apr-18 05:33:41

Thanks Sally and Emma. That's exactly my point: if I don't prove it 100%, I know he will deny it until blue in the face. And unless he admits it or I get unequivocal proof, I can't be certain enough to LTB. (I know there are other issues here but they could be worked on; this is something I don't think I could get past).

Smeddum Tue 24-Apr-18 05:38:52

To all those who think I am abhorrent for invading his privacy, please tell me why you think he deserves that respect when he lies and possibly cheats- paying for it as well - while I'm literally left holding the baby

I don’t think he deserves any respect. What I do think is that once a relationship has lost trust to the point where your actions are even a consideration, that it’s dead in the water. His fault, absolutely, and you deserve better than being treated that way. But once you start checking phones, or checking location and spying, right or wrong, there can’t be any way forward surely? It’s not a healthy place for you to be in, and he’s got you to that point.

Can you leave? Or get him to leave? Because honestly, it sounds like staying with him will make you dreadfully unhappy, and that won’t change. Also, and I’m sorry to be blunt, but if he is cheating, which it sounds like he is, have you had an STD check? Just for your own peace of mind?

Emma198 Tue 24-Apr-18 05:39:19

If it were untrue he'd surely be really hurt not just denying it? If I asked my husband if he was doing that I'm pretty sure he'd really fall out with me and to be fair I'd be suspicious if he didn't x

Shoxfordian Tue 24-Apr-18 05:57:01

He doesn't sound like a great partner anyway; cheating or not. As you clearly don't trust him then you should consider ending it anyway.

Storm4star Tue 24-Apr-18 06:26:38

Sadly most cheating partners will not crumble and admit the truth when confronted, they just deny/lie over and over and you end up,going crazy because your gut is telling you (usually correctly) that somethings going on.

I watched an ex of mine on find my friends (he’d asked us both to install it) travel all over town on an afternoon out when he told me he was at work. I’ve found it to be pretty accurate however...as another poster said, you’d need to check if there was a pub or cafe etc next door before wading in with accusations.

I’m not sure why it’s people would think it’s acceptable to get a PI but tracking him yourself is seen as stalkerish? In another thread someone found out about their partners cheating because of Bluetooth. The technology is here now, like it or not, and plenty of people use technology to their advantage to cheat so why not use it to catch a cheat?

category12 Tue 24-Apr-18 06:42:37

You're so far down the road of distrust, I don't think there's any coming back. Personally I think you should accept you won't know 100%, but it doesn't matter, this relationship is done. You're driving yourself bonkers trying to police him and turning into someone you don't want to be.

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