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Relationships

fiance on dating sites, help please

64 replies

emmabreace · 23/04/2018 13:46

Hi, will try and keep this short...so myself and my fiance (of 10 months) have been together for 4 and a half years. We moved intogether after 6 months due to family issues on his side and a few months after he moved in with me i found out he was using online dating sites. I confronted him, we broke up but resolved it when he apologised, said it was a bad habit from when he was younger amd single and that he didnt realise it was so bad, he swore he would never do it again. It took time but we became strong again. I do have to point out that even tho he is 33 he is quite immature in his mind and also has a mild learning dissability. Roll on to this week, i have found out that he is back on the dating sites, ffs!! Again he has apologised, said he was bored and sorry amd would never do it again. Obvs i have given him back the ring but cant make it public yet as 1 of his family members is going through intense treatment for the next few weeks and this news would just devastate them. We have decided to live in house together and just have minimal contact untill we can tell his family. He swears he loves me and is sorry and hates himself and this has been a huge wake up call for him. Just to add, we were saving to buy a house, trying for a baby amd had amazing goals and dreams for our future that we both shared, he really seemed to want this. So my query is, should i forgive him again and try sort this out ? Although he is not trying to fix this and win me back, i do believe him that he is feeling awful and wishes this didnt happen. He says he is just trying to get through each day and seems pointless to try and fix this as he feels i will tell him to f### off and he has hurt me so much. Im very confused and would appreciate any advice....

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SevenStones · 23/04/2018 13:50

He's shown you twice now who and what he really is, so if you continue with this relationship you'd be really daft!

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Adora10 · 23/04/2018 13:52

So being immature and slightly under par in learning allows you to humiliate and cheat on someone, nope, don't think so.

You are mad if you stay with him, never mind get stuck married to him, he never stopped OP, forgiving a second time is basically just setting yourself up for a third time disappointment and humiliation; the man can't possibly love you, or if he does, he has a weird sense of commitment; he sounds sleazy as fuck, and his excuses sound really pathetic.

You know what you need to do now surely.

Of course he is feeling awful, you have caught him out again and he will have to be a bit more careful in future, more fool you OP because you are basically accepting him a a cheat.

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Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/04/2018 13:54

The thing is when you forgave the first time he saw a green light to do it again. I am afraid only you can break the cycle.. And be very very glad there are no dc in the mix.

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Brokenbiscuit · 23/04/2018 13:56

So you forgave him the first time, and gave him another chance, and he abused your trust by doing exactly the same thing again.

I think you know what you should do. He is not going to change. Is this really the life that you want to lead?

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AnyFucker · 23/04/2018 13:56

You would be a fool to swallow this twice. And he's not even trying to convince you ?

He can't be arsed in other words. Bin him.

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Sugarplumps · 23/04/2018 14:00

I'm not usually quick to say LTB but this is unacceptable. If you really don't want to lose him then go to couples counselling and get him into solo counselling to sort out why he is selfishly sabotaging your relationship like this. If you don't want to give him another chance then you are perfectly justified in walking away.

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SoapOnARoap · 23/04/2018 14:02

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Not olden, golden & still very relevant

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TheDrinksAreOnMe · 23/04/2018 14:03

You are EXTREMELY naive to think there is a future with a child here. Escaping from what will inevitably happen again is a million times harder with a baby involved, and even more so when you are married!

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Beaverhausen · 23/04/2018 14:03

What is that saying...

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

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reddie9 · 23/04/2018 14:04

They don't change unfortunately. Take him back and he will do it again. Just next time you could be married with a mortgage and and a child. You deserve better. Don't be a mug op x

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emmabreace · 23/04/2018 14:05

Thanks for the replys. I know that what you are all saying is logical and 80% of me is happy to move on, i would give this advice also. My problem is i still love him and truly believe that he hasnt physically cheated and wouldnt physically cheat. Im wondering how common this problem is in this day and age with technology and access to this temptation so readily available. He has since started to beg my forgiveness and is saying he will do anything in his power to fix this. He says he hates himself and cant believe what a idiot he was and is so sorry for hurting me as he loves me so much etc etc. Im just so torn now. Btw i have told him there is no way im going back to him as i dont want him to k ow i am even considering it just yet.

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sheddooropen · 23/04/2018 14:06

OP he is not going to change, you need to leave him, he already had a chance and now he has been caught again. You will realise in a few years time he will just get better at hiding it from you. The sooner you realise what's really happening and that he won't change the better, you deserve better and there are loads better out there!

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Bluebelle38 · 23/04/2018 14:06

You are far too good for him. Don't overthink it, he did wrong, not you. Be kind to yourself and look forward. You'd never be able to trust this liar.

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LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/04/2018 14:09

I'm sure he is sorry.

I'm sure he does feel like he's been an idiot.

I'm also sure that he's been going on dating sites behind your back and he's only sorry because he's been caught.

Think: if you hadn't caught him, he'd still be doing it. Smiling, laughing, being with you, and then going on dating sites the minute your back is turned. I agree with your point that this kind of thing is easier/more accessible/so more common these days, but that doesn't actually mean you have to put up with it.

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Adora10 · 23/04/2018 14:13

My problem is i still love him and truly believe that he hasnt physically cheated and wouldnt physically cheat

Sorry OP, this is not love; you are in a relationship with a man that is actively seeking out other women; how on earth do you know he hasn't cheated, he's been doing it the whole time he's been with you. No doubt he's on various sites, where folk that know you can see him, and he calls himself your fiance, within months of moving in together you have caught him; wise up OP, I am sorry you still love him but my god, you must surely know by now (third time caught) that he is never going to commit to you in the way a normal person would.

It's not a bad habit, it's him actively setting up profiles and seeking out women, you have no idea how far it has gone.

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knowwhereyourheadis · 23/04/2018 14:20

I went through the same thing. I gave him chance after chance.

You said My problem is i still love him and truly believe that he hasnt physically cheated and wouldnt physically cheat. I believed the same, until I found out that he did physically cheat.

Please, save yourself the heartache and finish this now.

I let myself be persuaded time after time, until the inevitable happened. That felt a lot worse I can tell you.

He didn't change - he's doing exactly the same to his new, current girlfriend.

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Failingat40 · 23/04/2018 14:22

Sorry op but you only love one side of the character he wants you to see. There's a whole other dark side.

To even begin to move forward you need to get full disclosure from him and access now to his dating site messages and emails/kik/WhatsApp etc. I think if you could see what he's been writing it would change the way you see him.

If I were you I'd say he needs to hand over his phone for 24 hours. If he's not willing to do these things then he's made his decision and he walks out of your life for good.

If he truly was happy and loved you he wouldn't be seeking out hook ups on dating sites. How did you discover what he's been up to?

He will probably have email addresses you know nothing about.

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emmabreace · 23/04/2018 14:23

Again i completly agree with the advice given and i dont now why i am believeing him now when he has truely messed up again. He says it was just flirting and out of boredom when i wasnt around, i do spend 2 nights a week away. He also said it wouldnt be everytime i was away. He says that there was never an emotional thing and never chatted to the same person more than twice. He says he feels that most men in relationships probably do this and he didnt realise how bad it was untill now. He doesnt have many friends and never goes out unless we go out together and he was bored when i wasnt there sometimes. He has suggested that we put a spyware app on his phone and computer so that i can chwck whenever i want, he has also suggested himself that he go to counselling to try and figure out his head. I have told him to do whatever he feels he needs to do for himself and that i wont be taking him back but i really am tempted. I do believe him and i dont know why i do

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magoria · 23/04/2018 14:28

If he is doing it now out of bordom don't ever relax and stop paying him attention when pregnant or you are knackered from babies or small kids as by forgiving a second time you will be saying this is OK.

He didn't care enough after your hurt the first time. More about what was in it for him.

Where is your line?

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Zaphodsotherhead · 23/04/2018 14:28

Why did he think they were called 'dating sites' and not 'chatting sites' then? If all he was going to do was talk and flirt?

Why not just join up on a few forums associated with his interests? He could have 'chatted' all he wanted on those... but he didn't. He went straight to places where women are looking for men.

He knows exactly what he was doing and how bad it was.

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Failingat40 · 23/04/2018 14:29

That's no way to have to live in a committed relationship @emmabreace.

You deserve better than having to live a life spying on your fiancé due to lack of trust. You'll always be in torment.

He will say anything to smooth things over, they all do.

Just give yourself space and time apart from him to think. Don't let him wear you down, you're still in shock. If this was happening to a close family member or friend what would you tell them?

Has he given you full access to messages and phone yet? Remember to check the trash/deleted in emails and sent and archived messages on WhatsApp.

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TheDrinksAreOnMe · 23/04/2018 14:36

Do you understand the legal ties you are getting into with this "man" if you forgive and continue as planned? I ain't kidding you!! It sounds like you have a bit of growing up to do!

You cant blame society.
You cant blame technology.
Most men DO NOT do this.

Bloody hell, this isnt a life to live. you are young, unmarried and have no children. Run like f*!!

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Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/04/2018 14:38

Honestly op are you going to believe him when he cheats - and it's when not if - that his penis accidentally fell into her?
Wake up and smell the coffee - he has no respect for you - while you still have a shred of dignity left - get rid!!

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Fairenuff · 23/04/2018 14:40

Having a baby to look after and raise is boring. I expect he'll find ways to fill his time if you go down that route. It's going to end badly OP. You just need to decide if that happens now or in a few years time.

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Adora10 · 23/04/2018 15:12

Is he mad in the head, most men do not do this, especially men engaged to be married; he's minimising and you are believing his shit, much like you did the two previous times; what exactly is different this time? Exactly, nothing is, it's just deja vu once again.

Why are you even engaging with him, you are already minimising a man that has continued to cheat on you throughout your time together and yes in my book, going on hook up sites, chatting to women esp sexually, and he will be, he likes the chase and thrill, it's CHEATING OP, sorry i know you want to dress it up as nothing really but it's pretty bad, in fact what he's doing to you is unforgivable.

Jesus, he now wants you to spy on him because when he gets bored, he wants to shit all over your relationship, how fucked up is that.

OP, just to make it clear, my partner works away, he gets bored, he doesn't then sign himself up to dating sites, me neither; it's not all men, it's the man you are with.

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