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Being made to choose:- wife v son

(273 Posts)
Scoot67 Sun 22-Apr-18 18:51:03

Apologies if this the wrong dept or if I don’t know the correct abbreviations, it’s my first post...need some perspective on this please. My wife & I have been married 5 years (my 2nd marriage, her third) I have a son of 24, she has no children. I am 51 she is 44.
Last summer we pooled our resources & bought the “box ticking dream house” in the country...the idyllic relax/escape. All good so I thought.
Approx 7 weeks ago my son’s relationship with his partner broke down (they had been together 3 years & have twin boys 14months)
My son sofa surfed for awhile, but then had no option, but to ask for my/our help. He contacted me approx 1/2hr before I finished work and said I really have to come to your place to stay. Naturally being Dad, I said yes. My wife was not impressed (understatement!) My son was obviously a bit emotionally battered from his relationship breakdown, but has been very respectful/courteous of our space. He has his own transport, has recently started a new well paid job & helps out with his son’s at his ex’s house & occasionally at our house.
My “crime” was that I did not discuss this change in lifestyle with my wife. I genuinely would have done, had I had time happened quickly. Given different circumstances I would have asked for her decision on this move.
My son is adamant he wants to find his own place to rent, just needs to get some cash put aside first.
My wife’s reaction to this “enjoy your lad’s pad...I cannot live with you both here...I’m off !”
She has moved in with a friend, nearly one month now. She is being quite forthright in not coming home until my son moves out !
It’s her birthday today...I offered to take her out for a meal...she refused.

DairyisClosed Sun 22-Apr-18 18:55:52

You were at fault here. I appreciate that he is your son but he is not a child. And it is her house too! You should have at least talked to her before saying yes. Your oh option here is to grovel.

Beaverhausen Sun 22-Apr-18 18:56:04

Your wife is being very selfish and unreasonable. She is emotionally blackmailing you, I suggest you get your balls back from wherever she has hidden them.

No wonder you are her 3rd marriage, I guess her previous husbands could only take so much.

It is simple partners come and go but our children are for life no matter how old they are they will always need us. It is not as if he is being disrespectful or borrowing money from you.

Angeanon Sun 22-Apr-18 18:56:37

I understand your wife being put on the spot because you didn’t have chance to talk to her about it. But moving out seems extreme. It is your son at the end of the day & she should understand that. It’s not ideal but like you say, it’s not forever. I am sorry you have been put in this impossible position.

DairyisClosed Sun 22-Apr-18 18:57:32

And why had he been staying with you for a month against her wishes! Just give him the money for a rental deposit and sign as a guarantor.

FaFoutis Sun 22-Apr-18 19:00:10

Well done for supporting your son, my father would have completely taken his wife's side.
She doesn't sound very nice. Has this changed your view of her?

ScurfyTwiglet Sun 22-Apr-18 19:00:46

As per pp, wife is being selfish and unreasonable. Stick to your guns and be there for your son when he needs you. That's what family is for.

LoafEater Sun 22-Apr-18 19:00:56

No wonder shes on husband number 3 if she has overreacted like this every time an issue arises.

You were in the wrong not to discuss this with her, but unless you are parent, you may not understand the bond between child and parent - my home is my childrens home until the day the die, no matter what the circumstances. She has no children and cant relate to this. She does sound a bit of a drama queen.

Adayindisney67 Sun 22-Apr-18 19:01:56

Well my partner would never turn my son away and I wouldn't ever need to ask. Just the same as my mums partner would never turn me away...

She needs to get over herself. You are certainly not wrong. What would have happened had you discussed it? She would possibly say no, so your son would effectively be homeless. In what world would a parent allow that adult or not.

Sure if he was taking the piss. But he's not and he is taking all the right steps. Let her sulk, she'll either come round or not.

Neolara Sun 22-Apr-18 19:02:56

Clearly there is a bigger picture otherwise your wife moving out is a massive overreaction.

Dadaist Sun 22-Apr-18 19:04:33

Do you recognise this in the person you married? I’m guessing she must be good looking ‘cos her beauty ain’t on the inside!

Weezol Sun 22-Apr-18 19:05:49

Oh dear. The general rule is that the one issuing ultimatums is the you don't choose.

Yes, you should have talked with her first, but it just wasn't possible. I don't have children of my own, my XH does. I absolutley expected his kids to take priority over me in times of crisis - I wouldn't have been with him otherwise.

Your wife seems quite juvenile about this. Does she think kids hit 18 and you just wash your hands of them?

It sounds like she is punishing you for helping your son, and by extension, your grandchildren. Does she always sulk/punish you when she doesn't get her own way?

Stop chasing her for a week or two and have a good think about what her behaviour is telling you about her.

Awrite Sun 22-Apr-18 19:05:57

I can't imagine not helping one of my children.

Presumably you've apologised for not discussing it first.

Do you really want to stay with someone who tries to manipulate you so?

Laska5772 Sun 22-Apr-18 19:06:06

My son is 27 (from first marriage) , if he needed help and my DH refused , id divorce DH.. No contest . ( but he wouldn't do that because he cares about me and mine) . I wouldn't refuse his DD ( my lovely DSD) either .. Family..

RafikiIsTheBest Sun 22-Apr-18 19:09:51

He's been there 7 weeks? Have you turned it into a lad's pad? It's one thing him staying there in terms of meals and sleeping but another if he's treating it like his house in terms of watching tv at all hours, lounging around on the sofa, leaving crumbs in the kitchen or laundry on the bathroom floor.
Is there room for him to stay?
Is your wife a bit of an introvert? Does she like house guests or prefer her own space? Does she have any sort of relationship with your son?

I do find it amusing that she is making such a fuss about her husbands adult son staying until he gets his own places sorted that she has gone to her friends... Is she not doing the same to her friend that your son is doing to her? I feel like either she's really entitled and oblivious or there is a backstory or something else going on here.

My advice would be to reassess what you want from this relationship. Clearly, any kindness or friendliness between your wife and son has been destroyed and I can't imagine it being rebuilt (if it was ever there). If you want her back home then the only thing is to get your son out ASAP, how would she feel if you gave him money to help him on his feet (since he's staying with you to save up)? Or does she just expect him to be homeless?

Also wanted to say, I know it's a turn of phrase in some regards but your son isn't 'helping out' with his children, he is raising them, which he should be doing. It makes me wonder if you're a bit 1950's about men and women's roles and if that's an ongoing theme, causing this (having house guest without a discussion) to be the last straw. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

WhatsGoingOnEh Sun 22-Apr-18 19:11:10

YES you should've run it past her first, even just as a courtesy. But her flounce seems a bit over the top.

Spend her birthday-dinner cash on a lovely takeaway with your son.

Haffdonga Sun 22-Apr-18 19:14:00

Unless your son is dangerous or seriously antisocial she appears to be trying to isolate you from your family. It's a fairly classic tactic of abusers.

From he little you've told us I'd choose your son and make it clear to her that you come as a package with children and grandchildren. If she doesn't like that she's with the wrong person and so are you .

WhatsGoingOnEh Sun 22-Apr-18 19:17:07

I've just reread your post. So your wife lived with you and your son for about 3-4 weeks, then moved out?

Be honest - how was that time? Was she doing all the chores? Did you two blokes do any cooking, cleaning or domestic stuff?

What was your wife's reaction when you told her your son was moving in? Her initial reaction?

She didn't move out straight away. What happened just before she did?

Sparklynails7 Sun 22-Apr-18 19:22:15

Warning bells went off when you said that you're her third husband. I bet her previous marriages failed because of her selfishness and her demanding her own way all the time, no room for compromise. I think you have done the right thing by supporting your son. He is obviously having a really hard time with breaking up with his partner and not being able to see his twins everyday. He needs support but this won't be forever. Your wife is very unreasonable and cold hearted.

titchy Sun 22-Apr-18 19:25:18

Hang on your sons been living with you for over a month, having sofa-surfed for some weeks before that. He has a well paid job and two kids. Why on earth hasn't he got his own place yet?

I suspect your wife having lived with this situation, and not seeing your son make any effort to get his own place, is rather pissed off that her dream home has been taken over without it even being discussed with her.

Absolutely support your adults kids, but it sounds like your son is taking the piss a little now.

fc301 Sun 22-Apr-18 19:29:22

Pick your son. Only a fucked up person would even ask you to choose.

Scoot67 Sun 22-Apr-18 19:31:31

Wow !! Thankyou all for your input, much appreciated.
The son has a spare bedroom with en suite, so self contained. He hasn’t spread out around the house. I have to buy a bit of extra food etc...but generally he is either at work, with friends or “being dad” with his boys.
No I am not “1950’s” about gender roles !! More than happy to accept all roles/tasks/flexibility !!
It certainly has been “food for thought” that’s for sure....Is this the same woman I married...err no !!
And yes, I have questioned the reason why this is her third marriage, but i’m A grown-up & it’s crass to ask about previous relationship break-ups (although she is quite happy to revisit mine...often !)
Wife works a high power job & is also currently training to be a counsellor (oh, the irony !)
She has said some cruel things over this period. I’m a firm advocate of there is always two sides to every story....I’m not putting myself on a pedestal here, but i’m A kind considerate courteous husband...who always puts others first.
Apparently “i’m Mean & emotionally abusive, I don’t compliment, I don’t instigate intimacy...and I can’t cook !”....the last one IS TRUE !

Changedname3456 Sun 22-Apr-18 19:31:57

Unless there’s some back story you’ve not shared it does sound like a big over-reaction on her part. I’d be tempted to suggest she starts looking for marriage #4 because #3’s in serious danger of sinking.

I don’t particularly like having my DP’s son (early 20s) living with us. He’s smelly, disgustingly messy and very self centred. However, I’d never dream of stopping him from moving back (assuming he ever moves out!) in the circumstances you’ve described.
You’re either a family - blood or blended - or you’re just lodgers who shag.

I’d be seriously tempted to do what other pp have suggested and let her stew at her mate’s house. In fact, suggest she stays there and you’ll get the divorce process kicked off.

NobodysChild Sun 22-Apr-18 19:32:40

So, your wife stuck it out for 3 weeks, then landed on her friends doorstep and has been there for 4 weeks?
Are you sure she's not romantically involved with this 'friend' of hers? as having anyone stay over for that length of time would irritate most people, even if they were life long friends.
I'd say, leave your wife to carry on with her protest, and you and your son go out for a father/son drink, and de-stress.
You are letting your wife control you, even when absent.

Tartanscarf Sun 22-Apr-18 19:35:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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