Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do you tolerate your partner breaking/hitting things?(159 Posts)
Does anyone else's partner smash, hit or break things when angry? My husband does this a lot and there's several things around the house with holes in them or things we've had to repair or buy new. The last time it happened, at the start of the year I told him if it happened one more time I can't stay with him.
It happened again today. It was a trivial argument and he smashed the door on my sons tree house. Poor Ds was devastated and my husband had already stormed off. When I confronted him after I told him I still stand by what I said at the beginning of the year. I was crying and clearly upset. He's a great dad and I honestly thought our relationship was improving but I can't deal with his temper anymore. He told me he sick of me getting emotional like this (very strange as I don't remember the last time I was emotional/cried around him) and that it's laughable if I left him because of this.
I made the kids dinner and went up to the bedroom. He just came in and acted completely normal and asked if I want to go for a drive
TBH, I started to believe him that it's a bit ridiculous to leave him over this but I thought about it. There's marks in our hard wood floor from him throwing the fire poker, dints in walls and doors, curtain rails been pulled out of the wall and cracks down the sides of the plaster on our walls from his temper. I have to lie to family about what happened and I just don't think I should have to clean up after his problem anymore.
No I wouldn’t tolerate this.
For me, hitting things is aggressive and shows someone who is not in control of themselves. I had a BF who punched a hole in a wall. He went on to strangle me.
XDP kicked things and was quite aggressive too. Once he kicked my kitchen bin across the room while I was standing at the other end making dinner. Rubbish flew everywhere, the bin broke. I demanded he leave the house and when he didn’t I called the police who arrested him for common assault. He wasn’t charged but I think it put the wind up him enough that he never did it again.
he told me hes sick of me getting emotional
I hate men who have a magical way of doing a dickhead thing and then making it aound like you are the dickhead for mentioning it (is that gaslighting?)
What i would be asking myself is "is this how i want my son to behave when hes older and how i want my son to deal with his emotions?" If the answer is no then you are perfectly reasonable to remove that behaviour from your sons life.
Dont stand for his bollocks excuses and dont be pushed around. You know it isnt right. I would give him two options - anger management or he leaves.
If he wont entertain anger management that shows how much his family means to him.
No, I absolutely would not tolerate this. Even if it's not aimed at you, the way that his aggression intimidates you (and presumably your DS) means that you do/will walk on eggshells your entire life. This is not a partner you can trust, and not one you want to be setting an example for your DS.
Would he consider some sort of therapy or counseling?
He is NOT a great dad. He’s abusive, destructive, gaslighting you and bloody dangerous to be around.
Your poor son must have been terrified.
Do you want him growing up thinking smashing things up is a safe or acceptable way of showing his emotions?
What do you think would happen if he told his teachers what happens at home at the weekends?
You have to protect yourself and your son.
I have an ex who used to kick, throw, break things in a rage. Then tell me I was exaggerating afterwards. Or that I shouldn’t have made him angry and caused him to do it. But there were no children so I was only worried about myself.
Walking away is scary but it’s better than facing the inevitable escalation.
Its not normal and definitely not acceptable. My partners ex use to to do and was a part of wider emotional abuse and coercive control.
If its something you have Previously talked about and stated isn't acceptable then that alone is enough to leave over. Has he previously admitted its a problem and needs to work on / seek help over ?
More ppl will be along with links and resources which I don't have , which I think might help you frame this behaviour within a bigger and more worrisome picture I'm afraid.
But I just wanted to say its not normal and is a serious issue.
He's attempting to scare you into everyday submission by throwing his weight around.
This will not end well.
My ex was like this.
One dat it won't be your son's playhouse. It'll be your son's legs.
He’s not a great dad. He’s violent and abusive and your poor son must have been so scared. It’s setting a really bad example to your children and they will be scarred for life, always walking on eggshells waiting for the next violent outburst. Is that the childhood you want for them? If not, don’t even consider staying with your husband.
My dad does this. He's never laid a hand on my mother but even so, coming downstairs in the morning and seeing something else broken used to destroy me as a teenager.
My ex used to do this and then act like it was fine because he hadn’t hit me - apparently that showed a lot of self control
It’s designed to intimidate and shut you down. Get him out and let him smash his own shit to pieces - your poor kids shouldn’t have to put up with this and neither should you.
I would also bet there are a lot of things you dont say or do as you don’t want him to lose his temper or for you to incur his wrath. Are you ever walking on eggshells around him? If you are, I would run a mile because if you are, you can bet your child is, or soon will be.
No I would not tolerate this.
A man who smashes an object in anger is saying to you ‘^look what i can do. Right now it’s the playhouse, but if you cross me it will be you.^
Nope. Abusive, awful. Kick the bugger out.
So he gets so angry he smashes up the house regularly, but somehow you crying (once!) is the problem???
If it was all totally normal and fine you wouldn't feel like you have to lie to family about how the damage happened. You know it's not.
I took my son and left the first time this happened. I returned 2 weeks later on the promise that it would never happen again and it hasn't. It doesn't matter what your partner thinks - mine also thought I over reacted - if it's something you don't want to live with then make that clear, and don't live with it xx
I wouldn’t tolerate it ..... and having drawn the line and told him what would happen, you have to now follow through and or else this will happen again and again and again. I’m so sorry OP, be strong
he's not a great dad
I wouldn't be friends with someone who was this angry and violent, never mind have them around a child.
I think you have a skewed perspective of acceptable behaviour, sorry. I also feel - I don't have data to back it up though - that someone who smashes things so easily is more likely to commit violence against a person.
He sounds spoilt and out of control. There is no way I would live with that behaviour.
He is gaslighting you with the “ being emotional” bull. Anger is an emotion and he has some experience of that.
Can’t quite equate what you have written with being a great dad, but he could carry on being a dad while living in his own(smashed up) place.
Then he could get anger management and you could think again.
And you need to stop covering up for him, I bet he doesn’t think his behaviour is so great when your family get calmly told the real reason for the trashed house next time they ask.
You are so in the right here op. Stay strong and cantered. Stick to what is ok for you.
He is NOT a great dad, he is a violent thug who cannot control his temper. Does he smash the joint up at work ? At the pub ? At his friends houses ?
My dad was like this all my childhood. I am virtually no contact with my parents even though we live only a couple of miles apart. My mother is in her 70's and living an isolated life with a bloke who verbally abuses her and smashes inanimate objects like a great big fucking toddler when things don't go his way. Nobody wants to know him....and unfortunately her too but she chose to stay.
Fancy that for your future ?
Does he smash things up at work, OP? In shops, pubs, other people's houses? No?
OP please take strength from people telling you your instincts on this are right.
No, not normal. My dad was like this when I was growing up. He’s not a toddler and needs to learn to behave like a civilised person especially considering there are children about.
He's also not angry. He decides when it is appropriate for him to do these things, and when he is not. He very carefully controls when he has these outbursts and who gets to see them.
He does it to you, your DC and your home as he sees you as less than him.
May I suggest the Freedom Programme (it's available online if you can't get to a group) 💐
And what ? He throws pokers hard enough to dent the floor. ? One tiny miscalculation and that metal is buried in a child's head.
No, as you know yourself, this is not ok.
As well as being abusive and entitled, it is very very poor parenting. Life will always have ups and downs and as parents we need to teach our DC to cope. Throwing a physical tantrum is showing them that:
a) violence is an acceptable response to provocation or upset
b) that the world is a difficult place that scares their father
c) that hot temperedness is ‘adult’ or grown up
This behaviour is really going to damage your DCs resilience and ability to deal with life’s challenges.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.