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Take up ex's offer of coffee after abortion drama?

(17 Posts)
confused1984 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:24:09


I need some advice on whether to meet with an ex or not.

10 weeks ago we broke up. It was a mutual break-up after 9 months which was amicable. However the day before I'd found it out I was pregnant and at the end of the break-up I told him. I'd already decided I was going to have an abortion for many reasons, and told him I'd find it easier if he let me get on with it by myself.

2 weeks later I had the abortion and (as per his request) got in touch to let him know. He waited 1 1/2 days to respond with a very angry message (not about the abortion itself but other things). I defended myself, and he sent me another accusing me of being a manipulative, lying fantasist and he never believed I'd been pregnant in the first place. Then he blocked me on everything. I have to admit it shocked me - I'd never seen that side of him before and I was gobsmacked he thought I'd made up the pregnancy. The last thing he said to me was that if I tried to contact him again it would be "destroyed without being read".

There followed 8 weeks of no contact, and then out of the blue last week I got a message. It was a really casual message saying 'now the dust has settled' did I want to go for a coffee as he'd be moving out of the area in 6 weeks. He pitched it as "in case anything has been left unsaid". Of course I had things left unsaid - he character assassinated me and then robbed me of my right to defend myself by blocking me!

I said yes to coffee but I only intended to go and grill him about some of the horrendous things he said to me at the hardest point of my life. It's happening next week but I've realised I'm just not that angry about any of it anymore. My friends are more angry on my behalf than I am. I guess it shows I'm more 'over it' than I thought.

This coffee is a one-time only deal really and I don't want to look back and wish I'd gone and taken the opportunity to stand up for myself. But it would be more out of principle than feeling any emotion about it anymore. My friends all think it's too soon and a really bad idea.

Help? x

Mosaic123 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:25:47

Can you take someone with you? A very close friend perhaps?

Pickleypickles Sun 22-Apr-18 16:29:08

Personally id give him the reply he gave you, berate him, say all your stuff you want to in text, make him feel like a cunt and then finish it with "anymore messages will be destroyed before being read. Cunt."

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 22-Apr-18 16:29:51

Wow, after the shocking things he said to you I wouldn’t be meeting him.

Yes, if you don’t, you might wonder what it would have been like if you had. But how upsetting could it be coming face to face with someone who was so cruel to when he knew you were vulnerable. You don’t owe him any explanations or proof you were ever pregnant and it might be really distressing feeling you have to defend yourself.

helpmum2003 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:31:12

What is the benefit to you of meeting up? You don't owe him anything so don't feel obliged to go!

Chippyway Sun 22-Apr-18 16:32:39

Why on earth would you want to meet up with this man? confused

fairgame84 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:32:51

Don't go. You could end up going and be left with more questions than answers. If you're over it then just leave it. Don't give him any more headspace.

DontCallMeCisterMister Sun 22-Apr-18 16:33:11

Back out of coffee and block.

He's an arsehole who wants to be seen as a 'no hard feelings, we parted on good terms' type to his next girlfriend victim

SleepingStandingUp Sun 22-Apr-18 16:33:22

If you do I'd make sure someone who loves you is nearby. If he gets arsey just walk. I guess I'd want a chance to tell him it wasn't ok what he did.
Perhaps tell him without sinking to his level how much what he did hurt you, how angry you are at what happened etc and then say but you are willing to meet for coffee to say goodbye if he wants to

offupop Sun 22-Apr-18 16:33:49

I'd go, take proof of abortion (discharge notes etc) slap them in front of him and give him a few concise sentences (no swearing no insults) of what a pig he was, don't give him opportunity to respond, and turn on your heals. Walk away knowing you delivered the truth and not in an abusive way, close that chapter! Good luck

Shylo Sun 22-Apr-18 16:34:10

I really wouldn’t bother, i’m struggling to see how anything positive will come out of it ..... he’s unlikely to listen attentively to all you say and then agree with you that he was a grade A twunt, in which case you’ll still be left angry. Tell him you change me your mind about coffer than block and move on with your life

zozozoo Sun 22-Apr-18 16:35:49

Sounds like he just wants a last shag or two. Avoid.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Sun 22-Apr-18 16:36:27

I wouldn’t meet him. But I wouldn’t cancel. I’d just leave him sitting waiting for you for as long as it took for him to realise you weren’t coming.

ChickenMom Sun 22-Apr-18 17:07:27

Don’t go. After his disgusting behaviour why should you give him any leeway at all. Say you’ve changed your mind, don’t want to ever see or talk to him again and that the way he behaved was despicable and that going through an abortion on your own was one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do. Say you are in a good place now and getting over it and him and wish him well in the future but not interested.

Oddcat Sun 22-Apr-18 17:12:27

It's a bad idea . I always try and ask myself 'what's the objective ' when I'm not sure what to do. If you want to go to vent your spleen in the hope that it will make a difference , I really don't think it will and you might come away feeling worse. If you've lost your anger , then leave things be, don't give him the opportunity of making you angry again.

offupop Sun 22-Apr-18 17:21:26

Oddcat - my bet would be his objective is not a last shag as a PP put, but to clear his conscience as he knows he acted badly (probably due to break up and shocking news) so I'd go (not drink the coffee) deliver a very concise and non angry adult message about how bad his behaviour was. Thus not clearing his conscience!

AuntieStella Sun 22-Apr-18 17:32:17

I doubt anything worthwhile could come from meeting him I..

I think a polite cancellation is in order

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