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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

99% of infidelity - but how to prove?

91 replies

diege · 22/04/2018 13:02

So discovered over the weekend (snooping) that my 'boyfriend' of 18 months is living at a different address to that which he had said (I hadn't been to his house - long story). Upon further investigation it turns out the house he does live in is owned by a divorced couple, the husband now abroad. Having looked at her pinterest of all things it's pretty clear they are/were close at some point and my hunch is that they are living at that address. I am naturally devastated but just want to know the truth. Other snippets from the past...he (with hindsight) does seem to be a compulsive liar, plus never available at the weekend, wanting to take things slow because of my children (my husband died 2 years ago under traumatic circumstances). Oh and to top it all off we work very closely together... Just wondering what the best strategy is...to turn up at the door? Come clean about the snooping with house visit as back up? I am definitively going to bring it up, just don't want to blow it.

OP posts:

Report

SoapOnARoap · 22/04/2018 13:05

No drama, no confrontation, just eye ball him when you next see him.

If you go in all guns blazing & are wrong, you’re going to look a tit & blow it, where as you address your concerns in a sensible manner, you’ll just know. 99% is a big propensity, seeing as you’re only 18 months in, is it worth the hassle?

Mum4Fergus · 22/04/2018 13:06

I'd just block and move on in all honesty...you've spared him enough of your time and effort already

Cricrichan · 22/04/2018 13:10

Yes agree. Block and move on. Or send him a message that you don't want to be with a lying cheat so bye.

diege · 22/04/2018 13:15

I think I want first of all to establish the truth and secondly for him to at least explain why he's lied to me. Im still struggling to accept this. Fell for him big time and have been rationalising away ridiculous excuses for months. I suppose I want to see him squirm and finally admit the truth...I don't think he will though. If we didn't work together it would be easier just to block but this is going to be incredibly difficult for me if I don't have some 'ending' if that make sense?

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 13:16

Go knock on the door ask to speak to your bf.
Job done.

diege · 22/04/2018 13:19

Yes have arranged to go with a friend and knock , one evening this week- I have no qualms about that. Should I even consider a conversation first? Going to be difficult keeping things bright and breezy at work in the meantime. Feeling sick to my stomach and can't believe what a stupid idiot I'be been.

OP posts:

FellOutOfBed2wice · 22/04/2018 13:20

Yeah knock on the door. Had a similar thing happen to me and I wish this is what I had done. As it was I went in all guns blazing and then he just ramped up the lies. Sorry OP.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/04/2018 13:21

this is going to be incredibly difficult for me if I don't have some 'ending' if that make sense?

This is true; but you're also incredibly unlikely to get an ending. He is unlikely to give you a grovelling apology or even really explain things to you in this situation - he'll either lie to minimise if he thinks he can talk you round, or just move on.

I am really sorry that this has happened but your best course of action here will be to block him and start the process of moving on. It probably will be harder than it would be in a perfect world; but you can do it, and the sooner you get started, the sooner you'll be over it.

Failingat40 · 22/04/2018 13:23

I'd be cautious of turning up at their door and upsetting him and his partner, especially as you work together.

He could turn very defensive and nasty and report you to HR for harassment.

Just block and stone wall him. Don't explain why, he doesn't deserve an explanation.

diege · 22/04/2018 13:24

Thank you. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. We've just come back from a few days away and I found a GP prescription sheet with address details in the pocket of his coat that I was wearing. I should have confronted there and then but was thinking through the usual futile reasons for why he might have 2 addresses...

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 22/04/2018 14:19

Couldn't it just be that he hasn't updated his address with his GP?

Perhaps he was in a relationship with that woman but isn't now?

BlueSkyandSunshineToday · 22/04/2018 14:24

I think I want first of all to establish the truth and secondly for him to at least explain why he's lied to me.

Can you see the contradiction in this sentence? How can you establish the truth when the only person who can explain it is a liar?

You don't need a reason to end it - you don't need to be able to justify your actions to others by portraying yourself as the "victim" of his poor conduct.

Own your feelings and decisions you make without needing to "find" evidence to support them.

PrizeOik · 22/04/2018 15:19

You're giving him so much power op.

You don't need his input here. he will only confused, upset and lie to you more. So much better for you to simply decide you aren't doing this anymore. Xx

diege · 22/04/2018 18:13

what would keith He's said he lives in town A with his dad and goes to the GP there. The prescription and medication label dated feb give an address and surgery in town B. So even if he's moved surgeries to town B and hasn't updated, he's actually still attending and getting the meds from town A
I've just spoken to a close friend who happens to be a counseller and she too echoed what has been said here about giving away power rather than seeing my own responses as valid. I'm aware the last person I'm going to get a truthful account from is him. I'm feeling very nervous about going into work tomorrow as I know I'm going to have to say something (and want to) - best case scenario is he'll admit the truth but pretty unlikely ,but I have to say something.

OP posts:

Foreverthisyoung · 22/04/2018 18:17

What’s his excuse for not spending weekends with you?

Adayindisney67 · 22/04/2018 18:53

I'd turn up at the door too. There doesn't need to be drama. She needs to know too!

diege · 22/04/2018 19:09

counsellor friend worried about me knocking on the door as i wouldn't know what to expect and he'd no doubt steer me away into the car and have the same conversation we'd have anywhere else. And then explain me away as some mad woman as all his exes appear to have been (red flag i know)

. Re: weekends, we've had probably 3 meet ups in 18 months on a Saturday, his reasoning being he's aware that (as working full time) he doesn't want to take away from them being with me in light of their bereavement. I do realise how simultaneously convincing and a pile of shite that sounds.

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 22/04/2018 19:21

Satisfying as it might be i wouldn't knock on the door. He can truthfully say you are work friends. If you want truth you coukd knock on the door when you know he is out. Tgen get the truth from his partner. That would be crazy. Ghosting him would be better.

diege · 22/04/2018 19:30

Not sure how ghosting would work as we see each other for 8 hours a day at work - not just in passing, work involves co-presenting , writing articles etc etc. Because of my stupid anxiety after my husband's death I can't cope well with uncertainty - as my friends have said though, and as has been alluded to here, I'm never going to get a full admittance of the truth am I

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fizzymama · 22/04/2018 19:48

Is he in work tomorrow? Pull a sticky and go round when you know he is at work. Trouble is will the female be in ??

OdileDeCaray · 22/04/2018 19:52

phone him with an emergency saying you can't stay in your home tonight and can you stay with him?

Emergency could be a leak or emotional one.

See what he says then as to why you can't stay.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2018 20:04

He is a liar. He lies. That's what he does. That's what he will continue to do. He isn't interested in what is best for you. He never was.

Don't get involved in JADEing yourself: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

Be prepared for him to DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

"I am chucking you because you are a liar and a cheat."

"I know everything. I don't want to talk about it."

"I am not interested in your lies. Leave me alone."

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isadorable · 22/04/2018 20:20

Hi diege. First, I'm sorry this sounds like such a nightmare for you. You may never get the full truth but it is time to value yourself over him. DON'T go to the address - I did this to myself once long ago and it broke me, I got the reception I was dreading, oh and it was me who looked ridiculous. I like to think he suffered later. Be kind to yourself. Tell him you don't feel valued and you don't trust him and end it. There is a lot to said for self preservation.

isadorable · 22/04/2018 20:22

Oh and she found my mobile no 18 months later. He'd left her and she thought he was with me. I was relieved to say I had no idea where he was.

backsackcraic · 22/04/2018 21:09

I'd do the ringing him now with an emergency. Although I think having never been to his house or seen him at weekends that's reason enough to realise he's cheating. He can perhaps explain away being out of the house in the week due to work.

Flip

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