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My husband has just left me after 30 years

(91 Posts)
normallyhappy86 Sun 22-Apr-18 06:10:59

Hello, I have not been on this website before although I have read posts in the past and found help from them so I hope you don’t mind me joining. My DH left me last night after 30 years of marriage saying that he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for years - this was a revelation to me as I had thought we were. He has gone to friends of his with a view to getting a place of his own. I have two DC who are grown up now and who don’t live at home and I am finding it difficult to cope. I have told one friend so far who was brilliant but when I was with her I felt I wanted to be alone and now I am alone I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep crying and can’t concentrate on anything for more that a few minutes. I tried to sleep but couldn’t although I feel exhausted. I know it is stupid but I keep thinking of things he used to do which I don’t know anything about - such as put fuel in the car - I don’t know if it is diesel or petrol although I have now looked it up on the registration documents. I don’t know whether it is better to put a brave face on and be with people or just to work through the time alone even though I am doing nothing more than crying. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Thisisanewbeginning Sun 22-Apr-18 06:27:23

I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to read and run. Right now you are in shock. Be kind to yourself. Drink lots of sugary tea. I’m sure there will be others along to help with the practicalities. flowers

Thisisanewbeginning Sun 22-Apr-18 06:27:54

I’d reach out to friends if it were me. Don’t try to deal with it on your own.

Zaccheryquack Sun 22-Apr-18 06:30:25

So sorry. You must be devastated and it must be a big shock. Can anyone come and keep you company at home for a few days whilst you process it all?

subswifesyndrome Sun 22-Apr-18 06:30:56

It's all very raw. As pp says if you had no inkling, you're in shock. I know how you feel and our journeys are all a bit different. There will be lots of people here for you just don't torture yourself about stuff you can't change. Focus on you and make sure you have a shoulder to cry on when you need it. Thinking about you. Wherever you are and whoever you are xx

JontyDoggle37 Sun 22-Apr-18 06:31:11

Firstly - you didnt Know whether the car was petrol or diesel, but you’ve figured it out. You’ll figure it all out, but maybe not on the first day. You can do it though.
Tell your friends how you’re feeling and ask them not to mind if you see them but then need to withdraw for a bit. Good friends won’t mind.
Best of luck OP.

frenchfancy Sun 22-Apr-18 06:32:21

You must be in shock. The first thing I would do is check out your finances. Is all money in a joint account? If so open yourself an account and move some money over. The other thing I would do is tell your children. I'm sure it will be a big shock for them too.

frasier Sun 22-Apr-18 06:35:40

Get through today. One day at a time. You can do this, you’ve already started.

Do you work? Have other time commitments? If so you need to decide whether you need to take some leave.

Southamber Sun 22-Apr-18 06:36:47

I'm two years post separation and this week into divorce process. The universe will offer up new opportunities.

Take really good care of yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the initial shock period. And take it one day at a time. AND YES reach out to people MN and real life.

I'm sound two years on. Big changes in my life as a consequence of separation but we have such a strong survival instinct, and I am making a good life for myself. 🌷🌼🌷

MrsJonesAndMe Sun 22-Apr-18 06:38:03

Oh what a shock 86 That is a long marriage to come to such a sudden end.

It must all feel daunting and scary, but in the days and weeks to come, you will find your way.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 22-Apr-18 06:39:35

Oh, usuallyhappy, I'm so sorry. It's as if he's just died, the shock is so great - and you'll grieve the loss in the same way.

I think the grief of such desertion is greater, actually (not wishing to offend any widows reading) because of the element of rejection. It really hurts.

And if you've been on here before, you'll know there's usually another woman involved, so brace yourself for that.

As others have said - you will cry oceans, you will need to talk and talk, going over the same things (maybe even call Samaritans for a listening ear), and lean on your friends. You will get through this flowers

frasier Sun 22-Apr-18 06:40:56

As for things like fuel for the car, ask here, ask friends. It must seem an enormous task but you only need to do it one day at a time.

As a pp said you need to sort out finance for the short term at least. That might be a good next task.

HadronCollider Sun 22-Apr-18 06:41:28

So sorry OPsad That is utterly shit. You're experiencing shock, that is why your brain is going over and over past things he did. Especially if your time as a couple was longer than the time you were single in your life!

What you're experiencing now is grief. Let the tears come. They will come in waves, with regards to sleep, please see your GP, a short prescription of a strong antihistamine (some are prescribed for their sleep inducing qualities) or a sleeping pill will help.

Be kind to yourself, I know its really hard but try not to let your mind panic thinking aboit the future think about the day. Think about taking care of

Sally2791 Sun 22-Apr-18 06:44:00

It sounds like you are in shock, I agree with the sweet tea suggestion. Sorry for what has happened to you. There isn't an easy path through this but I think telling people in real life who can be emotionally and practically supportive would be a good start. Seek legal advice -take a friend and/or make a list of questions before you go. Then have some sort of structure to your days. Do you work or have pets to care for? It's always good to have a reason to get up in the morning. Do the children know? New beginnings are scary even if we choose them and you have had this forced on you so it will be harder. I'm sure more help will be along here soon. Best of luck.

Skandinaviem Sun 22-Apr-18 06:45:33

Goodness OP. What an awful shock! Can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but just wanted to say, I had a piece of great advice - all you have to deal with right now is the next 10 minutes. When you’ve got through that,
focus on getting through the next ten minutes.

If you can, focus on keeping yourself hydrated and eat well. Keep everything as simple as you can and when it feels like too much, stop up and breathe. Gratitude is the antidote to anxiety so pour all your efforts into focussing on what you have. It sounds flippant, but I found it really can help on the darker days of which there will be many right now. Keep holding on OP. You’re stronger than you think and in a few months from now this will all look clearer. Sending you all the very best.

frasier Sun 22-Apr-18 06:47:11

You ask about putting on s brave face or going it alone, try both. Do whatever you need to go to get you through the day. Post here a lot. That’s a compromise of sorts, on your own but with people to talk to if you need them.

You actually sound really strong trying to work out how best to deal with the situation he’s left you with.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 22-Apr-18 06:54:11

OP, sorry to hear you find yourself in this position. There are some things you need to accept:
- the shock and the pain won’t wear off over night.

This is like going through a bereavement, you will miss the routines and start wondering what you have done wrong. But there is nothing you could have changed if he never opened up about his unhappiness. Having said that, do not blame him for everything as this will disempower you.

Over the next weeks, things will go into basic mode: most important thing is to ensure you are eating enough.

Talk to people, family, friends, your children. You need to get your pain out in order to heal but by talking, you are also building the network of support you will need in the future.

Take it easy OP, be patient with yourself, once that the shock has worn off in about 6 months, you will start seeing how fantastic life can be even if he is not in it. flowers

SrDuess Sun 22-Apr-18 06:56:03

You need some time for this to all sink in. Support from family and friends is crucial at this time. Is anyone available to be with you for a couple of days as you probably won't be thinking very clearly and it's best to have that extra support thanks

toolazytothinkofausername Sun 22-Apr-18 07:01:44

That is awful sad

You need to grieve, and if your friends are true friends they'll want to grieve with you so don't push them away.

normallyhappy86 Sun 22-Apr-18 07:11:16

Thank you so much, all of you have replied. Already I less alone with you all out there. And Scandinaviem, you are right. The next 10 minutes are all I need to concentrate on. Already he left yesterday rather than today. I don’t work as recently took early retirement but I do a lot of volunteering and have pets so I have things I have to do. I am overwhelmed by how comprehensively he left taking almost everything he owned, packing up all our memories in a hour or two - if it had been me it would have taken me days to get all my stuff packed up lol. Frasier you are right too. I have some friends I can tell although it will be hard as just saying it makes me experience it all over again. Thanks everyone. You are great.xx

FluffyWhiteTowels Sun 22-Apr-18 07:16:49

You may feel alone but you are not. Reach out to friends when you need and post here. Look up the 5 stages of grieving so you can recognise the different emotional stages ... oh and some of them repeat themselves it's not plain sailing 1 to 5 and done!

You will find find you're stronger and know more than you think and you sound resourceful in that you looked at the car docs to sort out your problems.

It's shit. You'll feel shit. You'll cry. Nothing is the same. But try and keep your dignity. You're entering a really tough couple of years. But you will laugh again. You will wake up looking forward to the day ahead ... but just not quite yet.

Keep posting flowers and hand hold from me

billybagpuss Sun 22-Apr-18 07:31:41

I'm so sorry, this must have come as a massive shock to you.

From a practical point of view first things first is to sort the finances out. If its anything like ours it won't be easy as everything is in joint names.

But more importantly today get out of the house. Have a shower, put some nice clothes and make-up on and go for a walk. The air will help to clear your head a bit and start you on the road to recovery so you can start forging your own life.

As others have said get support from family and friends today especially.

I'm guessing if you were unsure about what fuel etc, he was in charge of the cars. You need to check when your tax and MOT runs out and make a note of it, very easy to do here Always check it on the gov site there's another odd site that comes first in the listings that want to charge you to check.

All the best flowers

Lostin3dspace Sun 22-Apr-18 07:38:51

It astounded me how little effort and know how was required to do the jobs that ExH used to do. I had, for example, never mowed the lawn. Every job like this that he traditionally used to do he would Lord over me when he wanted to push a view that it was ME who was lazy and selfish, was in fact easy when I tried them myself. 'You never do X job....' I remember fixing the drain pipe back to the exterior wall that had come away. It was a simple job that took a few minutes, but had my ExH been there, he would have used the job as capital to beat me with. ExH did also do 'gendered' jobs like the washing - it took me a while to spot that he only loaded the machine, he didn't sort, fold, iron or put away. But he was able to claim 'I do everything round here, I do the washing, you do sweet fa' (Far from true, actually)

But when you are in the position of not knowing this, it is a scary and frightening place to be. But don't worry, you'll get there. B and Q have videos on you tube on how to do most jobs like taps and tiles and door locks.

Living practicalities like this can probably wait though, you need to concentrate on yourself and your mental wellbeing first. I remember feeling terribly guilty about moping about doing nothing and feeling miserable, but you need to do this, it is part of the grief and you have to go through it. Far more than the simple know how, you need the mental energy to carry on. You need the time to grieve.

Trippedupagain Sun 22-Apr-18 07:39:01

Hi there, just wanted to send my very best wishes. I've been married for the same amount of time as you, so I can empathise with the shock you must be feeling. Tell the children and don't be surprised at their initial reactions, whatever they are - they will need time to process it. Just a little practical point as well, just have a look at your bank accounts and savings accounts and make sure he can't take any large amounts of joint money without your consent. Best wishes and hugs x

Pictureiswonky Sun 22-Apr-18 07:46:24

The shock will pass but right now, you need time and as much help as you can get. Do not hesitate to go to the GP if you feel anxious. There are non addictive meds that can help.

Things I had to learn after H left were: how to do the tax return, when MOT was due (you get a letter reminding you) and how to reboot the boiler. The rest came easy.

As PP have said, all those practical things can be learnt quite easily.

Stay strong and tell the children ASAP. Your new life starts now and you can make it good.

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