Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH announced he no longer wants to TTC(24 Posts)
This could go on the conception board but it's a relationship issue too. I'd appreciate advice I'm in a very hard situation.
DH an I have only been married 18 months. I've had 3 miscarriages which devastated me. We found the cause is DH high sperm DNA fragmentation. He has been great the past month taking supplements and refraining from alcohol etc. The problem is he is now struggling with performance anxiety and can't maintain an erection, our sex life is really struggling.
He's just got frustrated and said he doesn't want to try anymore. I have low ovarian reserve and have to get on with TTC now/ over the next year. I feel so trapped. This is causing problems in our relationships, I adore DH but cannot cope with the idea of a future without children. I was fine whilst he was trying but now he's shutting down completely and I wonder how much luck we will have without any intercourse.
I'm not putting pressure on him he's always been the one as keen as me to have a child. This is ruining everything he's overreacting to all kinds of situations and being angry etc. What can I do?
I have to add- he won't go to counselling. We could do ICSI but it's so expensive and if he perseveres with lifestyle changes for a few more months that could solve the problem but he seems like he can't cope.
You need to male the decision about what is most important to you - your DH or having children although in your case if you do leave your DH you still may not have time to conceive anyway. It’s very difficult but I can understand where your DH is coming from.
If I were you I’d concentrate on getting back on track in your relationship - who knows what might happen, you might get pregnant if you bring back the fun back into the relationship. If you don’t would it be the end of the world? Only you can answer this!
Id be worried that if he isnt happy with the lifestyle changes that are currently in place (alcohol etc) then
1) why does he think its ok for you to go through monumental changes
2) how will he actually cope with a newborn?
However if his sex life is no longer enjoyable then he understandably wants to make changes. Is the ttcing overtaking all other aspects of sex? Is there ever just sex for fun or just intimacy generally?
Stop Ttc then.....you’ll find you conceive quicker....strangely that’s what seems to happen in quite a few cases.
He has only had lifestyle changes for a month. When I've been pregnant I've done the same ones:
No steam rooms
For much longer. I see it as a necessary sacrifice and not that big a deal but he just can't seem to cope.
@Deandre I've suggested that and he counts the age of my cycle and knows when I'm fertile.
I don't want it to be either I have kids or I stay with DH- I want us to have kids together he would be the most amazing father. Our relationship is great aside from this.
Can you ask him to clarify if its:
Doesnt want children.
Doesnt want continue down this path and can we do something else to get the family.
This predicament is so stressful for couples. It just becomes unbearable and it really does take the fun out of sex.
Can’t you take a few months off? The emotional aspect has obviously become too much.
@NapQueen he does want children but not at any cost and will not consider adoption etc whereas I would.
Does he want to go back on contraception, or just stop "actively trying"?
Would he be ok with just not using contraception and just seeing what happens? Ie you keep doing all your healthy stuff, but don't talk to him about it. Don't let him know when you want baby sex - just have sex.
Works for many couples.
Being told you have to perform to order is the biggest turn-off in the world. Let him have a drink - the relaxation may help.
Miscarriages can be devastating - I also had several and they took their toll on DH. hugs to you both, but it sounds like he's suffering at the moment and he does need to be heard.
He wants to stop doing what he needs to do to make his sperm healthy and just accept we will never have a child. We have only been trying a year and medics have told him he needs to be on this regimen for 3 months and he just wants to quit.
Infertility fucks up sex lives Have you considered going for treatment? Interuterine insemination or ICSI would overcome the sperm issues.
It's hard for both of you just continuing to try . I don't think men get as much understanding as maybe they should. After all, the babies you have lost are his babies as well as yours and I think men expect to just carry on when often they just can't.
He may be scared to try again. And the problem with the regime changes is that they don't guarantee success, sometimes they just increase pressure.
Rather than sex on a schedule, get rid of the ovulation kits, and try to have sex or some kind of sexual play approximately twice a week. Maybe try some massages and weekends away first. It’ll put some romance back into it.
@DuchyDuke we've done all that- no apps, no ovulation kits etc.
Treatment would be an option for us but we would have to pay so would have to save up first- I suppose I'm scared to spend all that money on ICSI and for it to go wrong. That's my last resort and at the moment we don't have the money although we have done all our investigations privately as NHS was getting us nowhere and wouldn't look into it as one loss was a chemical.
IUI won't work for us at the moment because the sperm is too poor quality- I would love to try that but we need to get the DNA fragmentation down first.
It sounds like he's really struggling. The miscarriages will have floored him too and he may be blaming himself/scared/grieving.
I feel for you both. The results may have thrown him completely and he needs time to process. If that was the case I would put ttc on hold and support him - support each other - and see where it goes. Taking the pressure off might help.
he does want children but not at any cost and will not consider adoption etc whereas I would.
He wants to stop doing what he needs to do to make his sperm healthy and just accept we will never have a child
he won't go to counseling
I adore DH but cannot cope with the idea of a future without children
I don't want it to be either I have kids or I stay with DH
But he is, in effect, saying that he does NOT want a child. So you will have to make the choice between him and having a child. I know which I would choose.
He doesn't want to make fairly small adjustments now so it seems unlikely that he'll want the larger responsibility of a child in future.
I think sympathy can only go so far - no caffiene and no alcohol are small adjustments, the same adjustments you will need to make for 9 months.
Why is he ready to give up so quickly? Is he struggling to give up alcohol? Is he feeling guilty? Is he feeling depressed? Has he realised he does not want children after all knowing it means having to give up a lifestyle? I would ask him to have an honest chat.
I agree my sympathy only goes so far. I've had some horrendous experiences relating to the miscarriages which have been the worst of my life (one was a D&C at 12 weeks) and of course I've given up caffeine, alcohol etc for much longer. If he wants us to go trough IVF that will be very invasive for me. That's why although I have sympathy I think "just get on with it we have no choice".
He's woken up this morning and apologised for yesterday and is saying he's back on track so we will see. I was awake in the night worrying about the future. He seems to be in a totally different mindset today so I'm hoping that yesterday was just a blip. Blimey this is hard.
Thank you all so much for responding.
I think he feels guilty, overwhelmed and embarrassed - he's embarrassed about now not being able to maintain an erection or climax so it's easier for him to say "let's just give up!" rather than address it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.