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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I being a drama queen

58 replies

Nellia · 21/04/2018 07:26

So dh and I seperated over a year ago then decided to work things out 6 months ago.

We have been dating on and off not much time due to limited childcare and he often stays over midweek 2 nights and is around most weekends.
He sent me off on a nice little weekend holiday recently when I returned there where a few issues with childcare i.e he said he'd watch kids while I was away then rang me part way through to say he had to work so was sending them to his mates house. I get seperation anxiety and this is the first time ive been away from them overnight in 10yrs and it just pissd me off after all the planning to ensure he would be free to mind yhem.

We had a converation about how him not keeping his word disapointed me. When I came back we agreed to spend day together as a family then at the last minute he decided to go help his brother with the garden after id sat around all morning with kids waiting for him to get up.

We again had a conversation about him saying one thing and doing another and how it made me feel like I didnt matter. The conversations were all initiated by me each time hed try and dismiss what I said as nonsense.

I called him yesterday he said he couldnt talk but would call me back then didnt. This is a pattern of behaviour he had when we lived together that did my head in and he now knows it having discussed it over three days a lot and him saying he will do what he says he will.

So I left a message baisically saying im sick of being messed about and Im done.
Be honest am I just being a drama queen about this. I feel like its important but his attitude is just that im making mountains out of molehills. Where as to me it feels like he comes and goes as he pleases without feeling I have a say in things if he wants to stay over or do something he does if he doesnt hes off. If I have stuff to do and hint that he should go, he starts grumbeling that Im kicking him out.

OP posts:

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AjasLipstick · 21/04/2018 07:28

You're not even asking much! You're not being a drama queen at all.

My benchmark is "Would my best friend treat me this way?" and "How would my Dad feel if he knew this?"

Those people give me unconditional love and always want the best for me...so if DH didn't "match" them, then there'd be a problem.

kathhere · 21/04/2018 07:32

I wouldn’t like that at all. The weekend away/ working could possibly be understood but the choosing gardening over a day trip? No way- rude and disrespectful

If this is him trying to get you back this is as good as it’s going to be

Don’t waste your time on him

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 21/04/2018 07:33

No you aren't being a drama queen. It's a fairly basic expectation to be able to trust your partner in a relationship, and it sounds like you can't trust him because he constantly says one thing and does another. You also don't need his permission to end the relationship.

Pickleypickles · 21/04/2018 07:38

I agree with PP, if this is him trying to work things out then this is as good as he gets.
And he is taking thr piss coming and going as he pleases. Sounds like hes having his cake and eating it.

category12 · 21/04/2018 07:45

No, if anything you're underreacting. There is no reason I can see why you would stay with your dh. He's awful.

Mannix · 21/04/2018 07:54

You are not overreacting. I don't get separation anxiety at all but I would not be impressed at him dumping the kids at his mate's house unless it was a genuine emergency. And it's rubbish of him to dismiss your concerns as 'nonsense'.

It sounds as if he thinks that the 'big' gesture of arranging for you to go away for the weekend absolves him from having to bother with the day-to-day stuff. But actually if you're living with someone the latter is far more important.

Liz38 · 21/04/2018 07:57

One of the first things I loved about my DH was that after a string of flaky friends he never ever lets me down like that. If he says he'll be there at that time then he is.

I don't think you are being a drama queen at all, sadly i think you are being very realistic. You want an adult partner who takes responsibility and meets obligations and he wants to keep his options open and see if something better comes along.

If after you've talked it over with him and explained how you feel he's still doing it then I think that would be a deal breaker for me. He doesn't seem to care enough to work with you on this? Doesn't make him a bad person, just not right for you.

Jen10M · 21/04/2018 08:02

I honestly have huge respect for you for standing up for yourself! It just proves where his priorities truly lie, and you need to keep that at the front of your mind. Stay strong! X

Angelf1sh · 21/04/2018 08:04

No. Not at all.

SummersB · 21/04/2018 08:07

AjasLipstick that is an excellent benchmark!

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/04/2018 08:09

Does he think he has a foot in the door again so has reverted to type.

Wouldn't waste anymore time waiting around.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 08:16

AjasLipstick that is an excellent benchmark!

I absolutely agree. OP DP and I went away for a couple of overnights last year and left the DC with BIL and SIL. If during the course of that they’d palmed them off to people I didn’t know, I’d have come home and lost my shit. I’d have done the same in your position.

I think that respect and trust are fundamental parts of a relationship, if there is neither, it’s dead in the water. You deserve to be treated better than you are being treated. And don’t apologise or feel wrong for wanting to be treated properly, it should be standard in all relationships!

MrsBertBibby · 21/04/2018 08:33

Well yes, you are absolutely making a massive drama about something of no importance: It's only your time and your children. What do they matter? Not very much.Because he's much much more important than any of you.

Nellia · 21/04/2018 09:01

Thanks for the quick replies!

I woke up hugely regretting the message I left him. I read about some of the truely awfull things people go through and stay in relationships over and think im just being over the top. He doesnt cheat, hes not financially abusive hes a loving father whose kids adore him. When we seperated hed still come roubd and fix things about the place. Hes just feckless when it comes to keeping his word and it makes me feel like crap I dont know why.

OP posts:

Nellia · 21/04/2018 09:02

Sorry ment to add that the messages made me think I shouldnt regret saying what I did.

OP posts:

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 09:03

I’m glad you don’t regret it. You did nothing wrong.

TheVanguardSix · 21/04/2018 09:08

'My word is my bond' is what needs to be happening here.
You can't depend on your DP's word or his commitment to agreements made between you both. And that is a deal breaker, OP.

Angelf1sh · 21/04/2018 09:16

Sweetie, if he were such a “loving father” why would he have dumped them and their day out to go and do some gardening for his brother instead?

Nellia · 21/04/2018 09:26

@Angelf1sh
Took them with him. Said he was giving me more 'me time' although prior to his bother calling it was 'family time' at his suggestion. Then he later said he did it because I'd said I had stuff to do.. which I never said.
All a bit confusing.

OP posts:

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 09:32

Giving you more me time? That implies he’s doing you a favour. Which is bullshit. Men don’t receive “me time”, he didn’t when he fucked off and dropped you and the kids to do what he wanted. They take it.

And telling you you said things when you didn’t and then using the made up statement to get what he wants and confuse you is gaslighting.

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 09:33

Sorry I missed that he’d taken the kids with him. Even so, it was the implication that by doing it (parenting) he was doing you a favour. How bloody patronising! Do you do him a favour when you have the kids, or is that just your job?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2018 12:01

The fact that you can't trust or depend on him is no "molehill." It is Mount Everest. He is gaslighting you to try and make you feel as though YOU are the one with a problem. I hope you see now that he will never ever change. Get rid.

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TatianaLarina · 21/04/2018 14:43

He doesnt cheat, hes not financially abusive

Is setting the bar very low.

You were right to split with him imo, he can’t really do an adult relationship, it’s all about him and his whims, and turning it around on you.

WickedLazy · 21/04/2018 14:54

I would worry he sent you away and sent the kids to his mates, to meet someone else.

Would it even count as cheating in his head, if you're only dating?

I wouldn't like your set up, it's like he's eating his cake and having it? You're a family 2-4 nights a week, depending on the week, but what about the other nights? What do the kids make of their parents dating but not being together?

WickedLazy · 21/04/2018 14:57

"Took them with him. Said he was giving me more 'me time' although prior to his bother calling it was 'family time' at his suggestion. Then he later said he did it because I'd said I had stuff to do.. which I never said."

It sounds like he didn't want you to go, and was makimg excuses.

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