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Wondering why I stay in my marriage and if I could be happier with my ex

(30 Posts)
PistachioQueen Sat 21-Apr-18 03:58:15

Please bear with me as there’s a lot of background info here: My husband and I were happy and in love up until the point where I got pregnant. I felt insecure and cried a lot as we were living in rented accommodation (despite him owning several properties which he says he has to rent out for his livelihood) with damp etc, I had a 5 hour daily work commute and lived 2 hours away from my friends & family. I didn’t get a chance to do the whole “nesting” thing as our one-bedroomed flat had no space for much more than a Moses basket in the lounge. Husband didn’t take too well to the tears and started telling me I was insane, that he was going to bribe a judge to take the baby off me once it was born and even his dad and brother told him that I sounded “crazy and hormonal” and that he needed to “put her in her place” amongst other delightful comments.

Husband bought himself a brand new, top of the range sports car without even consulting me and when I expressed upset, he yelled “it’s MY money, I can do what I want with it!” It didn’t even have space for a buggy in the boot or a car seat in the back, he told me my car was to be the family car and that he HAD to have that car for his work! The irony here is that he always pleads poverty but I know he’s actually quite wealthy. He’s never wanted to share that wealth with me so I’d occasionally get a nice perfume or be taken out to some really flash restaurants but never actually bought a nice car or any decent clothes, while he’s always strutted around in designer, bespoke fitted suits and ridiculously expensive shoes. I asked for some new ankle boots one Christmas and he said he’d get them
In the January sales, then told me £90 was too expensive and that I needed to find something cheaper. I never did get those ankle boots!

Going back to the story, our rental period came to an end so I suggested moving to a friend’s/my mum’s immediately while we looked for somewhere else to rent or buy near my friends and family. As soon as this happened, he told me that he didn’t want to move and I became upset, screamed and shouted down the phone etc. He said that I was being abusive and blocked me from his phone for the last 2 months of my pregnancy! I didn’t know where he was living and his parents didn't want to know so I had no way of contacting him. I had emergency appointments due to bleeding and fainting so asked his mum to pass on a message as he’d still blocked me but he later told me that he found it “convenient” I was “suddenly hospitalised” and continued to ignore me. I wish he’d have at least showed up to call my bluff if he thought that was the case because he’d have seen that I was actually there!

My husband eventually showed up the week of my due date with no word of apology but clearly wanting to make things work. I foolishly took him back and he got his wish of being at the birth, cutting the cord and taking loads of pics to aid his bragging rights. He then went on to mock me, saying the baby looked nothing like me and people would think I was the nanny. This went on for 3 days with me getting increasingly angry, having had a traumatic labour and birth, then this! He started filming me and smirking just after saying this again (so of course, his words weren’t on camera) and I let rip and slapped him! He ran out of the hospital room, telling the midwives that I was mentally unstable and waving his video footage which he claimed was “evidence” of such behaviour. I didn’t hear from him again for several months while the baby and I moved into temporary accommodation and he appeared to be living the bachelor lifestyle with parties and trips abroad with friends I’d never even met or heard about prior to this.

Husband came back and asked to be part of our lives and after much grovelling, I eventually took him back. He started to give me money each week which was a help, albeit not enough to pay the rent and bills on my accommodation.

That was 2 years ago now and we still don’t live together. Every now and then, he takes me viewing houses (to buy) which he always finds something wrong with, then goes quiet for another 6 months until I threaten to leave him and we start looking at houses again. He sees us on the weekends and occasionally during the week and we’ve been on holiday once in all this time, which he ruined anyway. He’s pestered me for sex until I’ve gotten drunk and capitulated, however he would then turn nasty and/or condescending the following day and make me feel terrible for sleeping with him. I’ve said I want out but he’s always maintained that he loves me and wants to make things work. I suggested counselling but he said he’ll only go if I pay for it, which he knows is impossible on my salary and with mounting debts to pay. He wants to send our child to private school but the way he brags about it, I think it’s more for him to be able to show off than anything else.

I’ve tried talking to my husband about the time he left me when I was heavily pregnant and how I feel I can never trust him as he walked out on me when I was at my most vulnerable, but even to this day he denies that he left me and says that I was “so rude” that I left him no choice! He also claims that I broke a camera lens, as if that’s a valid excuse to walk out on your pregnant wife! I think he just likes telling people he’s married and has a kid but doesn’t even want to help look after our child when he’s around. Of course, he does have his good points and I’m enjoying having the extra cash from him, now that I’m back at work, but I feel that our marriage is over as I can’t get over what he did and the fact that he seems to think it was all my fault just adds insult to injury! He’s also threatened me that if I divorce him, he wants nothing more to do with our child but will strike up a relationship In 20 years! He’s hinted at telling our child that I stood in the way of them seeing each other when the truth is, he often tells me I can “find a new dad for your baby” if I want to divorce him!

Then comes along the ex boyfriend! We dated for over a year in our 20s and I broke up with him on a whim because he was late to meet me on several occasions and didn’t forewarn me. I used to break up with guys for ridiculous reasons when I was younger, yet look at me putting up with all of this from my husband! The ex has been a constant in my life over the last 14 years, telling me that he still loves me and wants to have another chance. I met up with him just before I dated my now husband and he was acting crazy so I told him his behaviour was off-putting and that was that. Turns out his business was going down the pan at the time and he was consequently going through a rough time. I wish I’d known that back then as things might have been so different.

I guess a part of me feels like I’m worthless now. I still haven’t lost the baby belly, I’m doing everything on my own, working crazy hours at work (my manager wouldn’t let me return part time so I work crazy long days which is a struggle when I get home late and baby won’t sleep, then I have to be up at 5am to do it all over again!), taking care of pets and trying to just make it through each day. I figured no one would want a saggy-bellied, sleep-deprived, workaholic single mum and then the ex starts emailing and texting asking how I am. We met up and I told him everything, he questioned me: “you’re a smart woman, how can this happen to you?” He also said I should’ve called him the day my husband walked out on me as he’d have been there for me, even as a friend.

I’ve since kept in touch with the ex, meeting up every other week and I have to say, he makes me feel alive! Nothing has happened between us but I think we both want it to. I love being around him as he makes me laugh, smile and feel that I’m actually worthy of someone’s love and attention. I’ve even found myself fantasising about leaving my husband, marrying the ex and having another child with him, perhaps having the dream pregnancy the next time round as my husband would refuse to rub my belly or talk to the baby, much less take a “pregnancy pic” with me. I know I’m probably just getting carried away in the buzz and excitement of having all this attention but I have to admit, when I’m around my ex, I feel that my life is finally going places! He doesn’t have a lot of money so I’ve gotten dolled up for a date, only for him to take me to a cheap pub which did initially upset me, but lately I’ve just been so happy being around him that none of that seems to matter.

I do feel guilty doing what I’m doing as I’m sure my husband would go ballistic if he found out. My friends say he’s probably been cheating on me this whole time anyway (when we were dating, we’d fall out then make up and he’d tell me how lonely and miserable he was without me, only for me to find messages where he was arranging dates with other women!) but this strange part of me feels bad about spending the money he gives me to travel to see my ex. I don’t know if my marriage can be salvaged or if I even want it to be, I worry about telling my friends and family about my situation as my family would tell me I need to make my marriage work (despite them all hating my husband!) and some of my friends would probably tell my husband I’ve been seeing the ex.

This whole situation is really conflicting as I’ve become a laughing stock amongst everyone, they find it laughable that I have a weekend husband who lives the bachelor lifestyle the rest of the week. My NCT group cut me off as soon as I said I was no longer living with my husband, so now I tend to hide this from any Mum friends I meet as they all seem to be happily married and I fear I wouldn’t fit in being the only one without a husband. My husband loves tagging along for nights out with other couples, playing the doting husband who lives with his wife and child, only to drive off in his big expensive car at the end of the evening!

What should I do about my marriage? Is there any chance I could ever see past everything that has happened and truly be happy with my husband, or is it time to move on, possibly with the ex? I feel so foolish for letting him go all those years ago, when he was (and still is) a truly loving, committed and genuine man. Has anyone ever been in this situation, and if so, how did things pan out?

allthegoodnamesalreadytaken Sat 21-Apr-18 04:03:00

Seriously - leave the bastard he sounds absolutely horrid!

applesandpears56 Sat 21-Apr-18 04:06:10

My gosh I only read half way but it’s all I needed to. Leave this man now!
He’s awful and abusive and no, you’ll never be happy with him.

Cricrichan Sat 21-Apr-18 04:24:48

Definitely absolutely leave your abusive husband! See a solicitor to find out where you stand financially and legally and get the divorce ball rolling.

As for your ex, I wouldn't do anything until you were divorced and had a chance to be yourself again. Once you're free of your abusive husband and gain your confidence back, then think about dating. If your ex is such a good friend and support, you don't want to ruin the friendship by thinking that you feel more for him than you do and then realising that you don't.

QuoadUltra Sat 21-Apr-18 04:31:44

Get to a solicitor. Get a PI to investigate your husband’s money. Get out of the relationship and cite financial abuse.

FruHagen Sat 21-Apr-18 04:50:48

Leave your husband.

Don't start a relationship with your ex, it'll just blow everything up. Stay single, concentrate on you and your child. Examine why you've allowed yourself to be treated so badly.

Let everything calm down for you. Move on with your life and put this abusive relationship behind you

thanks

Godowneasy Sat 21-Apr-18 05:15:02

Get rid of the nasty abusive husband as soon as possible! Keep the ex boyfriend as just a friend until at least after the divorce. Become emotionally independent of any man!

Your working hours sound impossibly long. Could you not look at changing your job and claiming universal credit?

SkaPunkPrincess Sat 21-Apr-18 06:38:46

I agree you need to leave your husband and take half of what he has.

However i would say that you sound terribly naive about how 'perfect' life would be with your ex.

Please get your head out of the clouds. All that you describe you want isn't all that important. Loving and respecting each other IS important that can't be measured in pregnancy pics.

Your H doesn't respect you, or love you.

Adayindisney67 Sat 21-Apr-18 06:51:18

Wow just wow.. I didn't read it all because I honestly didn't need to...
He deserved more than a slap the cruel arrogant little bastard..
Yes leave him! Leave him now! Don't do anything with your ex because he will use that agaisnt you! Besides what do you think he's been doing while you've been apart? He's probably been shagging around! Infact I can say he definitely has..

Do you really want to know why he doesn't want to break it off with you? Because you can take the bastard for half of everything he owns and that's exactly what you should do using all the evidence you have...

Leave the ex well alone. Wait untill you have been alone and happy for a while before doing ANYTHING.

See a solictor asap.

Sometimeitrains Sat 21-Apr-18 06:54:21

This man isnt your husband he is an emotionally abusive ex with control issues whose using money and your son to manipulate you. A task made a lot easier by the lack of support you appear to have and the exhaustion you have being a full time working single mum.

Your ex boyfriend offers you a temporary escape from this but in your emotionally vulnerable state it may be difficult to judge if he is right for you at all or just another problem to handle

Id say you need to clear out the baggage of your childs father before making that decision.

There is free support available including legal aid for those in abusive relationships.

Contact womens aid, family lives, gingerbread or even your gp for a referal to counselling on the nhs. The relate website is also a good resource for information on the signs of emotional abuse and helpline services linked to this.

Being a single mum is not all doom and gloom. Those who wish to stigmitise you on that basis such as your nct group are being ridiculous.

LynetteScavo Sat 21-Apr-18 07:04:23

Even without your ex as a factor I wonder why you stay with your husband. He sounds vile, and you're never going to be happy with him.

Although the ex doesn't sound perfect either....he's just the better option at the moment.

StewPots Sat 21-Apr-18 07:11:31

Have my very first LTB OP. This man is nothing but an abusive vicious and cruel arsehole who doesn't deserve you.

What kind of husband treats his wife like this???

The ex is a red herring here...you know I think deep down that you don't want to be married to this twat anymore, and want to get out.

That's fine - divorce him and take the dickhead to the cleaners, get yourself a nice place for you an DC and wash your hands of him.

Sorry you're having such a hard time of it OP. The man sounds like a total prick.

jkl0311 Sat 21-Apr-18 08:13:06

Spilt from H once that's sorted and your in a good place mentally then see what life brings. Don't jump into bed with the next bloke when the last ones not legally divorced

TakeThatFuckingDressOffNow Sat 21-Apr-18 08:18:32

Please visit a solicitor first thing and ask them what you need to do to prepare for divorce.

If you can get any evidence of his wealth / assets do so.

Do the above and don’t tell anyone, yet.

Put the ex feelings to one side and start the divorce ASAP.

He only crawls back to keep you in check so you won’t divorce him and split the assets.

How he has behaved is not only immoral it also emotional and financial abuse which is illegal.

I wish you all the best in getting through the divorce and coming out the other side with a much better quality of life.

bonnyshide Sat 21-Apr-18 08:34:18

I didn't read it all...but definitely divorce your DH you will never be happy with him, make sure you get a good solicitor and get everything that's owing to you financially.

pallasathena Sat 21-Apr-18 08:50:44

You need to do the Freedom Programme. You need to read up on what emotional and financial abuse looks like because that's what this is OP. And you urgently need to put your self esteem back together by creating real serious boundaries.
This level of drama in a relationship is not only dangerous for you and your child but disturbing...

Sisterlove Sat 21-Apr-18 09:17:04

Stop taking your husband back. This is a sham marriage.

See a lawyer.

Formally seperate.
Get divorced. Get child support. Get your fair share from it.

Then you can be free for a relationship.

He's not a good man.

PistachioQueen Sat 21-Apr-18 10:52:15

Thank you for all your respnoses, you all seem to be saying what I guess I haven’t wanted to admit to myself; that my husband is abusive and that I need to get out of this joke of a marriage!

I did get some legal advice when I was pregnant and she seemed to think that because he made all his assets before we got married and we haven’t been living in any of his properties, I’m not entitled to anything! It may be worth speaking to someone else now though.

As for finding a PI, where to start? I have looked into this a few times and they all seem to charge a fortune, plus I’ve read stuff online about a few bogus ones so wouldn’t know who to trust. Any recommendations please?

Yes, the ex most likely is clouding my judgement at the moment, I suppose it’s just felt nice to have someone around who knows me and genuinely cares about me, hence the daydreaming about having this perfect new life with him!

Aussiebean Sat 21-Apr-18 10:58:31

Get a good lawyer and a forensic account to find all his assets.

Serve him with papers and move on.

Leave the ex for now. You have enough on your plate. If he is right, he will be then at the end when this is sorted and you are free of this arse.

Spend your time getting angry, get your divorce organised and start healing from his abuse.

THEN think about another relationship

flamingofridays Sat 21-Apr-18 11:03:33

Leave him he sounds like an abusive arsehole.

As far as I'm aware unless you had a pre nup you'd be entitled to a share of everything that is owned within your marriage... so that includes his rental properties I assume? I could be wrong.

See a better solicitor!

PistachioQueen Sat 21-Apr-18 14:19:44

Thanks Aussiebean, I hadn’t thought of that. Will be on it, looking for a forensic accountant now!
Flamingofridays - no pre nup so yes, I prob do need to seek advice from a better solicitor! She was just a legal advisor at a women’s centre so I may need to cough up and see a proper divorce lawyer now!

Wherearemymarbles Sat 21-Apr-18 16:52:50

How long have you been married?

Of all the assests you can own, property is the most difficult to hide. But yes I have readthst courts tend not hand over property that was owned prior to marriage which I suspect is why he has only rented BUT they take into account needs of the child. You need to talk to someone who knows what they are doing

He is husband in name only. What does he do when he is not with you? Sleeping with other women is a certainty so what else?

This is no life. Divorce him and hit him where it hurts, his wallet.

notapizzaeater Sat 21-Apr-18 17:10:26

Def divorce him, you probably get more money off him each week from cms

idiot1968 Sun 22-Apr-18 10:02:00

Jesus!! This sounds horrific. As a man who has made more than his fair share of mistakes in my relationships I simply cannot understand why you would consider staying with this abusive arse. All PPs are spot on. Leave him. Do it now while you still have some modicum of mental health. If you don’t he will drain that out of you too, just as he has your dignity and self respect.
Even if you get nothing from him financially you will get something way more important. Your freedom from an abusive relationship. You will be so much better off mentally than you can possibly imagine.
Get the legal advice you need. Do some research as to what is required prof wise and then get it. (It all sounds so simple when viewing from the outside I know but your son deserves your effort in making sure he does not grow up around such a heinously toxic “role model” as your husband).
Good luck OP.
P.S. Do not listen to anyone that speaks about you in negative terms. You be you and do what is right for you and your son.

PistachioQueen Mon 18-Jun-18 04:42:25

Thank you everyone for your replies. We’ve been married for 3 years but haven’t lived together for most of that time. I’ve arranged an appointment with a family law specialist to discuss what I’m entitled to, but have to admit I have still been spending time with the ex who is also pushing for me to get a divorce so we can be together. He’s admitted that he doesn’t have the financial means to support me and my child, but says he’d like us to have a future together and even possibly have a child one day. He’s a lovely guy but he talks about me getting a promotion and earning more money when the reality is, I’m desperate to reduce my hours as it is, not take on more! I feel that life with him could be wonderful but some of his values are very different to mine (he says things like “I really respect you” for working crazy hours, which makes me wonder what’s to “respect” about running yourself into the ground just to scrape together a living whilst sacrificing time with your child?!) and I worry I’m just hoping he’d give me the push I need to escape my current situation. I love being with him though, he makes me smile and spending time together just feels so nice. My self-esteem has shrivelled lately and the ex makes me feel special and loved. I guess the fact that we were together all those years ago also means that we have a lot of shared history, which makes being with him feel quite sweet and sentimental.

I have mentioned divorce to my husband over the phone and he basically told me that he’s going to buy a house nearby and do it up so he can have our child all the time, however he would get a nanny in, which I’ve said I would not agree to as I’d want to have sole custody if that was the case.

I guess the next step is to work out what I’d be entitled to as I don’t want to walk with nothing. I think at the very least, my baby deserves a place to call home and it makes me angry that my multiple property-owning, sports car driving, bespoke designer suit wearing husband has failed to provide this to date.

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