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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm in limbo

29 replies

foreverday · 20/04/2018 20:51

Can you really stay friends with an ex?

An ex that hurt you so much ?

Even though he wants to and promises he is going to make it better ?

Even though he's had chances before and nothing has changed ?

I feel better than I did - I left him a couple of months ago but as it ended so badly and I was really hurt, us being friends is it his way to worm his way back in?

Honestly I'm seeing it as a chance to see if he has - time will tell
We aren't back together but we've seen each other

Should I really be doing that if I do find I can forgive and forget ?

I'm in limbo...I thought I loved him
But I do care and I'm sad but I'm
Not sure it's enough
I feel I'm missing out by seeing how things go with him when actually I should be trying to move on?

Help

OP posts:

Report

PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 21:18

Why do you want to be friends with / be in contact with someone who makes you feel confused and shit? It's really not meant to be this hard

foreverday · 20/04/2018 21:33

I guess coz we were together 3 years, I do love him even though he has been an ass.
And I do care about him. He has admitted he has done wrong and he said he will change
So I guess my head is all over the place coz he is saying all the stuff I wanted to hear.

I feel like I can't just take him back so I guess that's my answer

I miss the good times and I know I should tell myself they weren't real but it's just very hard and I do feel sad

OP posts:

foreverday · 20/04/2018 21:35

So the advice I'm getting is just forget and move on
Why is it so hard then....

OP posts:

PlainWhiteTee · 20/04/2018 21:42

He's not your friend, he's your ex for what looks like a number of very good reasons. Friends don't treat their friends like he treated you. Cut him loose and move on with your life.

PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 21:44

It's hard because your brain doesn't like change and will try to keep you from change.

Loving someone doesn't mean they are good for you. Heroin addicts love heroin but would you tell a smack head that's a sign they should take more heroin?

It does sound like his actions have been poor and now you're allowing yourself to be drawn back in based on his words. Talk is really fucking cheap op! Don't be drawn in by something that's just so so easy for him to do...

meowimacat · 20/04/2018 21:45

Move on, and if in 6 months you want to be friends, be friends. If you stay 'friends' now, it won't be friends it'll be more again and he won't have changed.

meowimacat · 20/04/2018 21:45

I have a feeling that in 6 months if you do have that space from him you'll realise you don't even want a friendship.

RoderickRules · 20/04/2018 21:47

It will never be as easy as it is today.
Look at the evidence.
You would be mad to go back for more.

foreverday · 20/04/2018 21:53

And I know you are all right

So how the fuck do I do this ?
I'm really struggling
I feel like I'm drowning

I'm doing all the right things I can
I'm trying to stay positive
I don't hardly see him and we only talk now and then as I've told him point blank I don't want that
I have had 4 sessions counselling and she too has said all you are saying
I read somewhere about the brain feeling like it's wrong but it isn't
It's just habit
I know all this and still I just can't forgive the hurt
Do I just tell him I'm done and can't have contact anymore ?
I even feel bad for him as I know he's struggling
But why can't I put my own feelings first
Something I haven't done for a while

I'm sitting here along, nothing to do this weekend and everyone I know has lives.......

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 20/04/2018 22:04

Hi
Yes he is trying to get back with you and you know in your guy this would be a big mistake.
Stop thinking of the good times,they came with bad times.don't long to go back thete.
Start making a life for yourself.
Maybe do some volunteer work?mix with people and don't sit indoors alone thinking you are the only person alone on a weekend,you are absolutely not.
Life will get better and you are strong enough to do it alone,you really are.
He will 'chamber's as long as it takes to get back with you.
One day you will meet someone and everything clicks into place,you don't have to work at it,it's feels right and it's effortless,it's true love.
Please don't go back.take a step at a time,be nice to yourself,and I mean this kindly,don't wallow playing love songs and crying.
Make a firm decision that tomorrow is a fresh new day and you are going to do something positive,just for you and your new,happy,future.
Wishing you every happiness and success

KarmaStar · 20/04/2018 22:05

He will change! Grr predictive text!

RoderickRules · 20/04/2018 22:23

www.slaauk.org/

www.coda-uk.org/

www.audible.co.uk/pd/Health-Personal-Development/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-Audiobook/B00AFGCFGQ

Put everything you have got into your recovery. Stop trying to have a relationship with him and start trying to have one with yourself.

Get off MN, explore these links, download the book.

RoderickRules · 20/04/2018 22:24

Don’t start tomorrow.
Start now.
This second.
Your future self will thank you for it.

foreverday · 20/04/2018 22:28

Thank you guys
Just want I needed
What really nice advice I have been given this eve
I shall definitely have a look
I've taken a sleeping tablet which kicks in 30-60 mins so just on here til i feel sleepy
I will do
I just feel ever so guilty as he thinks I want to be friends
Which I know he doesn't just want

OP posts:

RoderickRules · 20/04/2018 23:23

Block his number
Stop communicating with him
Start putting everything into your recovery

If you want to get better, you are going to have to put the work in.

foreverday · 21/04/2018 20:21

Ok guys so...I spoke to him earlier
Face to face actually
Didn't plan on saying everything as didn't want him to kick off and lose his temper but he did anyway...
I've had to block him from everything but now I risk losing the money he owes me
Anyway, I'm getting constant calls from a withheld number
I answered one and it was him
I have had 15 in the last 45 mins and not sure what to do
Will he just get bored?
How can he still call me from withheld ? He has a landline so maybe it's that?

OP posts:

AudTheDeepMinded · 21/04/2018 20:31

Report him to the police for harassment?

RoderickRules · 21/04/2018 20:35

Block the landline number?
Change your phone number?

Have a look here
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

You are asking what to do...if you use the links I have posted you can find out what to do, every time, in every situation, your whole life.

foreverday · 21/04/2018 20:42

I don't know his landline number
It's a withheld

Sorry but those links are just a whole load of information ?! I am on here asking for advice
If I wanted to go and search online I'd use google so it's not that helpful giving me links to websites that talks about being obsessed with sex

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 20:45

Ex's are ex's often for good reason. You cannot and should not be friends with such a person; what you are doing is an invite to him to simply hurt you again.

Read up on the sunken costs fallacy; a bad investment you made in this guy is not going to suddenly become good. Why are you also seemingly a sucker for nice words from him?. You cared about him far more than he ever cared about you; he simply used you for his own ends.

foreverday · 21/04/2018 20:52

Very true and i agree with you

So do I report him or just leave it and let him get the message ?

I've told him I want no more contact but I've only just told him I'm guessing he won't take it laying down

OP posts:

RoderickRules · 21/04/2018 20:57

Ok, so you didn’t look at the links.

The links are to 12 step programmes for people who have relationship problems.
Like other addicts, continuing to pick up their drug of choice (the relationship) when it continually harms them.
Last night, drugging yourself to sleep.
Like today.
Going to meet him.
Now asking here for help.
The general consensus is ‘stay away’ which you seem unable to do.
This is why I suggested these groups.

There was also a link to a book, which could help you. But you are unwilling to look at that.
Preferring to obsess over the relationship.

I also posted a link to another website.

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foreverday · 21/04/2018 21:09

I did look at them
I didn't really find a lot of it helpful unless I was missing the point

I took a nytol because I haven't slept in weeks

Stop judging

OP posts:

foreverday · 21/04/2018 21:11

And I'd rather speak to people rather then be referred to websites
They may be helpful but at the many I would like to speak to people and get a response
Otherwise sites like this wouldn't exist if you could just google stuff
Jeeze

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 21:17

I would report him to the authorities if he continues to try and contact you like he has been doing. Fifteen calls in 45 minutes is really nothing short of harassment.

Flip

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