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Can't stop thinking about this

(57 Posts)
MaisieDuke Fri 20-Apr-18 15:04:00

I have posted about this before in chat. It has since disappeared. I'm just going crazy and would really appreciate some advice please.
Back story
DH and I had been friends (very casual) with this couple.
Due to a family death we grew quite close to them.
Unfortunately their marriage ended and the lady became quite close to us. Leaning on us for support. Coming for dinner etc.
My DC absolutely adore her and she has older children who they also love.

She was very friendly with my DH but used to say that she looked on him as a brother as she had no family of her own.

Abut 18 months ago I was really ill. What can only be described as a breakdown.
I looked at DH phone blush.
He had sent her a couple of text messages saying how lovely she was and how beautiful she was inside and out.
Obviously we had a huge argument. He said he was only texting her because she was low because of the divorce and he was trying to cheer her up.
Her replies were just "ahhh thank you."

I was deeply deeply hurt by this, especially as I was so ill. He also said at the time he was under huge pressure from my illness.

We kind of let contact slide.
A month ago we were invited to her wedding. Because of what happened I didn't want to go but in the end we went.

At the end of the evening we went to say goodbye. Her and DH were hugging and she looked him in the eyes, stroked his face and said " are you happy?"
He kind of stood back opened his arms and said "Am I happy?" Kind of as if to say why are you saying that.

We have had huge arguments about this. My feeling was they were having some kind of emotional affair. He swears blind there was nothing to it. He says he thought her actions were strange but doesn't know why she did what she did and just put it down to her being drunk.

He said he would phone her in front of me if I wanted so that I could see nothing had gone on.
We kind of agreed to let it go. I do believe him that nothing sexual happened but I can't stop thinking about it.
Also I'm worried what to say if she contacts me?
Sometimes she just turns up at our house for a visit and I really don't know what I would say if she did.

Sorry for the length. I know I need to get over this but don't know how .

Aprilmightbemynewname Fri 20-Apr-18 15:39:29

He sounds like a caring man who took his responsibility as her friend to the limit but not further. The fact she is now married surely means she hasn't been hankering after a life with your dh? Not patronising you but when you feel shit things can somewhat appear distorted when they aren't. Glad you are well now, enjoy your lovely dh and put the worry to rest. Maybe staying friends with her would help you accept they haven't betrayed you?

Myheartbelongsto Fri 20-Apr-18 15:42:04

He doesn't sound like a caring man to me op

MaisieDuke Fri 20-Apr-18 16:24:49

Really April?
Are you my friend???
Why would you do that to another man on your wedding day, in front of their wife?

Quartz2208 Fri 20-Apr-18 16:38:26

because at some point I assume he admitted to her he wasnt happy and she wanted to see how he was doing at that point; it sounds like they became each other emotional support through difficult times

pinkdelight Fri 20-Apr-18 16:55:03

Your response to April's perfectly reasonable interpretation shows you're not really open to different perspectives on this. What do you feel you want to achieve? What would make you feel able to move on? The rows about it can't be helping and he doesn't sound able to convince you. Would you have some counselling about it together? It might not be the ideal fix but I feel you'll be going around in circles and pushing him away (rightly or wrongly) otherwise.

Insomeotheruniverse Fri 20-Apr-18 17:05:20

Op you need to make a decision. Do you want your marriage to survive or not? If you keep obsessing about this issue then eventually you’ll push your husband away and end up breaking up anyway.

You won’t know for sure if he had an affair or EA with your friend unless he makes a full confession to you. If he denies it then you need to work out if you’re willing to accept his version of events. If you decide to stay with your dh and make your marriage work you need to take a deep breath and draw a line under the past and move on together. Start creating new memories and good times with your dh, arrange things for the two of you to look forward to.

If you feel you cannot get past the possible affair/EA then you need to call it a day with your dh and go your separate ways.

There is no point in being stuck in limbo obsessing with this because the only one hurting here is you. Decide how you want to take your life forward from here and start making steps towards the future you want.

PippyRose Fri 20-Apr-18 17:09:36

I also think April's response was spot on. It really doesn't sound like you have anything to fret over if those two incidents are the only evidence you have that something went on. I think you need to let it go OP. Sorry if it sounds harsh but you seem to be looking for problems and becoming a wee bit paranoid. However, I know that thoughts like this can be all consuming and hard to escape once they get in your head. I hope it all works out for you and you can move on from it.

Luckingfovely Fri 20-Apr-18 17:12:04

Another gentle note that April really did make sense and sounded perfectly reasonable - I hope you can find some calm around this issue and be able to get past it.

HollowTalk Fri 20-Apr-18 17:15:09

I don't agree with April at all! It sounds as though they had an emotional affair, but it also sounds as though your husband had told her he was unhappy. Why she chose her own wedding day to ask him whether he was happy, I've no idea. It seems a really rude thing to do to you.

lilybetsy Fri 20-Apr-18 17:18:35

This ^^

what do you want ? start from there. If you want your marraige to survive you will need to find a way to live with this because its not possible to ever 100% know what anyone else has done
maybe seek some personal therapy for yourself ... to help you decide / work out what you want and how to achieve it

PippyRose Fri 20-Apr-18 17:22:16

Maybe he had been unhappy but that was probably because his wife was ill and he was going through a tough time! She was going through a divorce and it sounds like they provided support for each other when they were both feeling low. Asking if he was happy probably just showed she had been worried about him and that she cared.

PippyRose Fri 20-Apr-18 17:24:47

Caring about someone of the opposite sex and having an emotional response does not constitute an emotional affair.

snewname Fri 20-Apr-18 17:25:52

If innocent he will eventually be resentful if you keep accusing him or he is aware that you are obsessing over it. If there was an emotional affair at a difficult time when you were ill, then he didn't leave you and you need to let it go to nurture and build on your relationship - unless of course you really can't let go and you prefer to split.

If you want your marriage to flourish then you need to get past this.

gamerchick Fri 20-Apr-18 17:32:41

I don't agree with April at all! It sounds as though they had an emotional affair

Or at the very least have had a few very private, boundary prodding conversations that you’re not privy too OP.

I don’t know how you let it go. Tbh I would be having a conversation with her because this will eat you alive eventually.

MaisieDuke Fri 20-Apr-18 17:32:52

OK, I do take on board your points and thank you for the replies.
However, as she is a friend of myself and DH I do feel kind of resentful that he may have confided in her about his unhappiness.
The scene at her wedding made me feel sick.
She was literally stroking his face and looking into his eyes.
Even he said he felt uncomfortable.

I know I can't keep going over it which is why I came in here. But i also know I would feel incredibly uncomfortable in her company.
It's quite easy to avoid her but say if she turns up unexpectedly?
Also he has plenty of friends to confide in. It hurts that he choose her.

gamerchick Fri 20-Apr-18 17:36:38

Maybe he got a bit too close to her when you were ill. Caring for someone mentally unwell can be massively draining. Whatever it is it doesn’t sound as if she responded to anything he put out there, it could be a simple latching on to someone during a hard time on his part.

Either way if you want to keep your marriage then maybe it’s time to go back to basics and develop that bond again.

MaisieDuke Fri 20-Apr-18 17:36:46

And the fact that when I was ill ( which was a matter if a few weeks) although he did all the practical things I didn't get any real emotional support.
But he thought it was quite reasonable to text a friend to tell her how beautiful she is.

desperatesux Fri 20-Apr-18 17:42:43

No good deed goes unpunished. I don't blame you at all op, it sounds like boundaries were crossed. Who strokes a friends face like that looking deep into their eyes. I would have a fit if my partner texted someone telling them they were beautiful
I have seen it happen in real life, friend takes another friend in, offers support and then friend ends up running off with the husband. Men only love to be the hero but usually to anyone but their wife !

MaisieDuke Fri 20-Apr-18 19:43:57

So do I confront her? Worried after all tour replies that I would look stupid.
Don't know what to do if she turns up at my house!

FloralMist Fri 20-Apr-18 19:47:48

Weird thing to do. I wouldn't answer the door personally.

Belindabauer Fri 20-Apr-18 20:03:36

I wouldn't confront her. I would however rebuke her if she turned up.
Tell her you are busy and about to leave the house( or whatever excuse), but don't let her in.
If she trys to arrange a date to visit you tell her you will be in touch and then never get back to her.

Adayindisney67 Fri 20-Apr-18 20:04:49

He offered her emotional support but not you?
I can't understand PP saying they would be okay with this. It would really upset me. He has to be hiding something. She obviously knows he was unhappy.
But fuck you eh? Your happiness isn't a massive deal or anything? Nice!

adayatthebeach Fri 20-Apr-18 20:12:30

Yes just don’t be available to her. Surely she will have her new husband to occupy her time.

Lollypop701 Fri 20-Apr-18 20:15:13

It sounds like a supportive friendship to me ... they care about each other as friends. I would say those things to my friends if they’d had tough times. The woman is happy, it’s her wedding. She’s hoping he’s back in the same place with you. She sounds emotionally supportive... aka beautiful inside and out. A few weeks supporting an illness can feel like a long time, he turned to a female friend for support. She did that. And you feel threatened rather than grateful. Don’t get me wrong I’d probably react in the same way. But take a step back and look again. Good luck x

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