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When I realised it was over

(15 Posts)
Roobarbs Fri 20-Apr-18 07:28:14

I've name changed for this, not been happy for a while (years) but I was just sitting thinking about how I would feel if Dh had an affair
I've come to the horrifying conclusion that I would be utterly thrilled, I would want to shake her hand and wish them all the best, I mean this genuinely
Nothing too dire has happened, I've just fallen out of love with him and am getting increasingly irritated at his presence
There's been a few issues that I've posted about but to feel really really happy at the thought of your husband having an affair is just wrong
I need to start making a long term plan to get out

MarieG10 Fri 20-Apr-18 07:42:23

Well makes it easy in that you understand it is over and know you need to end it. You just need to do it rather than carry on

IsItWorthItIDontKnow Fri 20-Apr-18 08:35:42

Roobarbs - I’m always intrigued by threads like this , DW’s who now find their DH’s irritating but without any major reason why. Can you give any specifics why you feel this way? How long have you been together? Are you in MLC territory and see the grass greener somewhere?

As I say im intrigued as seems to be a common theme on here! I would talk to him and tell him how you feel, but dont say its over if its just a bad patch you may be going through - he may be unaware how you feel and want to work to improve things.

If you genuinely want it over then talk about it , as a DH i would want to know and either both decide to work on it, or agree to separate etc but dont carry on living in a miserable limbo where one side of the relationship is unaware how unhappy the either side is.

Adversecamber22 Fri 20-Apr-18 09:08:34

I think irritation levels in any relationship as long as it's nothing genuinely awful are just the symptom of living in a space together. But when you don't love someone then those minor irritations become like nails on a chalkboard.

Have you actually tried talking to him? DH and I had a terrible patch, I saw a divorce lawyer. We then spent about three months having discussions, to fully rebuild took a lot longer.

You owe the relationship honesty, if it breaks up so be it but talk to him, even if it's to end things in a mature manner. This kind of dissatisfaction is why people often end up having affairs.

IsItWorthItIDontKnow Fri 20-Apr-18 09:41:22

Adverse - I agree with you regarding owing the relationship honesty, especially if you've been together a long time. Whenever I see these kinds of threads I wonder how many DH's / DW's are getting through the day, going to work, paying bills and all the mundane stuff without knowing how unhappy their OHs are.

Life can be tough with a lot of drudgery and it's easy to plod along blissfully unaware until it's too late. OP you have to talk to him about it and see if things are salvgeable - maybe he's unhappy too but unless you talk about it the omens aren't good as you'll become increasingly irritated and resentful. There are threads on here of people going to the brink and resolving things so don't assume all is lost, maybe an honest discussion getting things out in the open can turn things around, but if not at least you'll both know how each other feels and whether you both want to carry on.

BuzzButterfly Fri 20-Apr-18 09:58:50

I think you should end it. It really isn't fair on either of you to continue this when you'd probably both be happier divorced. I don't think things will improve if you've been unhappy for years.

Roobarbs Fri 20-Apr-18 10:02:23

I agree about minor irritations becoming like mails on a chalkboard, that's exactly what it's like
I don't think it's salvageable and I'm not sure I want it to be, I've had enough
It's hard to explain, he's said some horrendous things to me but I'm not innocent either
Even the sight of him irritates me , I know that sounds awful but it's the truth, I don't fancy him and we've totally grown apart, it's hell

BuzzButterfly Fri 20-Apr-18 10:05:23

Seriously, if it's as you describe it must be worth splitting. Don't wait for him to have an affair/wish for it. You're wasting your life at this rate.

Roobarbs Fri 20-Apr-18 10:09:56

I keep waiting for myself to get over this feeling but it's not happening, I wonder whether it's a mid life crisis and things will get better with time but the truth is I just don't love him
I remember watching that Divorce programme and the woman was in bed with her husband thinking "it would be so much easier if you would just die " that about sums my feelings up
I'm well aware of how bad that makes me seem

IsItWorthItIDontKnow Fri 20-Apr-18 10:11:26

Roobarbs - that sounds awful, does he have any idea or is he blissfully unaware? If you really dont want to carry on you need to discuss it. Have you been together a long time if so is it worth trying to save things or do you think its gone past that?

Whatever you decide he deserves to know how you feel so dont carry on pretending everything is ok if even the sight of him annoys you!

meowimacat Fri 20-Apr-18 10:13:42

I was like this with my ex. Would either go to bed dreaming about me being with someone else, or about him telling me he was with someone else! Plus I'm a jealous/possessive person unfortunately so the fact I would have been HAPPY for him to be with someone else, just showed how much I had checked out of the relationship.

This is the biggest sign you need to show you that you need to move on now, on your own! Let him find someone who makes him happy, and do the same for yourself x

Roobarbs Fri 20-Apr-18 10:15:34

Isit- I'm not sure he knows the extent of my feelings, I'm sure he can't be happy either, we haven't had sex for years, the thought of it makes me feel ill
We rub along okay generally but it's like having a lodger , we have nothing in common at all, can't even have an intelligent conversation
I settled many years ago and so wish I hadn't

Roobarbs Fri 20-Apr-18 10:18:23

Meow- yes I totally get this, he was being a bit furtive with his phone so I checked and it was totally innocent, I felt crushingly disappointed! That's not normal

IsItWorthItIDontKnow Fri 20-Apr-18 10:25:46

Roobarbs im sorry the more you post the worse it sounds! Is there anything stopping you separating?

If it helps you force a discussion I dont think i would want to stay with someone if they felt this way, I would rather know the extent of how unhappy they are - if you can at least get the discussion going and as painful as it may be you need to do something as it will be hard to carry on like this.

Agree to both work on it or go your separate ways but dont carry on in limbo without doing something. As i said there are threads of eople coming back from the brink but i think it needs both peopleto mke an effort and want to make it work.

Roobarbs Fri 20-Apr-18 10:35:55

We do need to split, it's going to take some time though, I need to get myself financially able to support myself

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