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Mediation advice?

(16 Posts)
Nottalotta Thu 19-Apr-18 23:02:52

My husband has suggested we attempt mediation. He's also suggested relate/marriage counselling it thinks mediation would be better suited. He will go alone if I don't want to. Not sure how that would work....

Background, separated a few months ago at my instigation after years of dealing with his issues, controlling behaviour, foul moods, total lack of effort in every aspect of our relationship. He was really quite abusive in the end..we have 2 small children.

I have requested some time out from discussions/trying to resolve anything. He wants to come back. I feel like he's still co trolling how things go. I feel like I have to do this whether I want to or not. Surely any mediator would not continue under these circumstances.

Child arrangements are agreed.

lifebegins50 Thu 19-Apr-18 23:59:05

Does he mean mediation to sort finances?

Are you asking for time out so that you can work out if you still want to be married?

Mediation is a requirement prior to court.
If he believes the marriage is over then he may feel its best to get finances sorted but if he has been abusive your trust will be understandably be low.

Nottalotta Fri 20-Apr-18 09:11:15

I don't really know. He claims to want to get back together, is working on his issues, is certainly behaving more reasonably on the face of it.

But is not giving me the time I've asked for. I feel pushed into starting the divorce process. He wants to see "progress of so e sort. I just want some time for my head to clear and to stop feeling so angry.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 20-Apr-18 09:27:18

No, do not agree to his demands for mediation under any circumstances. This process also does not work at all with controlling men and you are not being given the time you're asking for. He is still trying to control you from a distance. Some men really do use mediation as well as a stick to further beat their victims with. It also sounds like he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear; such men do not change. Its all part of his nice/nasty cycle and he is currently in the nice phase; it won't last because the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behaviour, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

Let your Solicitor deal with this man.

Sometimeitrains Fri 20-Apr-18 16:31:46

I thoughr mediation was to sort out childcare and financial arrangements prior to divorce. Could be wrong
Marraaige counselling is what you want it to be some people go to get back together others to seperate cleanly.
Neither work if ypu go alone so if thats what he saying hes gonna do hes yanking your chain

lifebegins50 Fri 20-Apr-18 19:21:24

Judge him on his actions and what your gut instinct is telling you.He is saying divorce so I would take him at his word.

Attila, you are 100% right in what you say.
I went to mediation with an abusive man as felt I had to.I told the mediator but she ignored it, I think in favour of getting her fee plus she probadly had zero understanding of abusive men.

In the sessions, 2 before I walked, he was so aggressive and I was terrified of saying anything..looking back it was horrific.

Mediator seemed intimdated as well as she tried to keep him calm reassuring him he was being listened to, no atrempt by her to have equal speech.

She had promised me she would steer him towards what a judge would award however that did not happen.
I feel anyone with experience would have known he was not reasonable but mediator kept us going to justify mediation (also justify her income).Mediators should have finanical impact if mediation fails so that it ends quickly if its obviously not going anywhere.

Nottalotta Fri 20-Apr-18 19:44:20

Divorce is fine with me. It's what I want ultimately and I struggle to understand how he can't or won't see that it's got to happen . In his new found reasonable ness, he seems to have forgotten the huge part his actions have played in getting us to where we are now .

chickenfanette Fri 20-Apr-18 21:19:34

Don’t! PPs (especially Attila) are spot on. I was in a similar situation, agreed to mediation as it seemed to be the reasonable thing to do, not realising that mediation only works if the other party is reasonable too. We had 2 sessions which were disastrous, cost a fortune and were extremely stressful, also didn’t work at all as exH completely unable to see anyone else’s point of view. Personally I would recommend that you decline mediation (which you can do if there is abuse) and use the money for a solicitor who can deal with your ex on your behalf x

Thebluedog Fri 20-Apr-18 21:21:38

It’s stil all about him isn’t it. You wanted space from sorting things out and he’s pressurising you for mediation....

Nottalotta Sat 21-Apr-18 10:49:24

Yes Thebluedog exactly. The thing I don't get that he seems so set on reconciliation yet is not taking any notice of what I'm requesting.

Sn0tnose Sat 21-Apr-18 11:35:21

In his new found reasonable ness, he seems to have forgotten the huge part his actions have played in getting us to where we are now.

But there isn't any new found reasonableness. He's saying what he thinks he needs to say in order to get you to do what he wants. This isn't about him having recognised his behaviour. It's about him trying to manipulate you back into the box he's put you in.

Sn0tnose Sat 21-Apr-18 11:36:34

And he thinks that he is clever enough and that you are daft enough not to see exactly what he's doing.

MakeItRain Sat 21-Apr-18 11:47:02

You don't need mediation unless you disagree on the child
Do you want to stay separated and divorce? I couldn't quite tell from your posts? Or do you want some time to think it over with a view to possibly getting back together?
If you've decided you want to divorce, you don't need mediation unless you disagree on financial or child arrangements. If you don't want to divorce, you don't need it at all.

MakeItRain Sat 21-Apr-18 11:47:41

Oops sorry for muddled beginning!

Nottalotta Sat 21-Apr-18 22:27:22

I do wa t divorce but am unsure about the house. We jointly own. He's already said it will have to sold and split 50/50. I need to explore my options, just returned to work so need to work out income and if I can borrow money IF I want to stay here. Or I've heard of people keeping the house in lieu of child maintainence who h given his employment history might not be that bad an idea

Nottalotta Sat 21-Apr-18 22:28:18

@Sn0tnose I certainly don't trust the "new him" but he's actually not saying anything I want to hear.

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