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Changing my surname by deed poll to the same as my DC

(28 Posts)
Mimco Thu 19-Apr-18 12:53:37

Ex H and I have 3 dc, we were married so both DC and I had his surname. We divorced and I met DP.

I reverted to my maiden name and DP and I had a child. Our child took his surname.

DP also has an ex wife and child who have his surname.

DP and I are not married although I would like to be. I am now pregnant again and have been considering giving the child my surname.

It may sound petty hate not having the same name as my DC, especially as ex h's new wife and DP's ex wife all have the same surname as my DC. I feel left out.

Would I be unreasonable to change my name by deed poll to that of DP or ex H? Perhaps I'm being hormonal?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 19-Apr-18 13:05:57

Have you discussed getting married before now and in particular before your first child by him was born?.

How does he feel about getting married and particularly now you are going to give birth to his second child?. How are you also protected legally in the event he died suddenly as well?. That is also a pressing matter. Changing your surname to his by deed poll does not really cut it and have you sounded him out on that as well?.

It would be confusing if your eldest child by him had his surname whilst the younger one took your surname.

Mimco Thu 19-Apr-18 13:13:54

I have a lot more assets than him.

I agree it wouldn't be ideal, I just hate being the only one with a different surname yet I carried and gave birth to all my DC. I feel insignificant. Apologies if that sounds dramatic but it's something that really bothers me.

Mimco Thu 19-Apr-18 13:15:14

He says he would eventually like to get married but he wants to be sure we're going to be together forever. He's also said he doesn't want another divorce under his belt which is understandable, but I feel he's having his cake and eating it.

cakecakecheese Thu 19-Apr-18 13:16:13

I get having different surnames to the kids can be tricky and confusing but is that all this is? Has your partner said marriage isn't going to happen?

SandyY2K Thu 19-Apr-18 13:18:16

I'd give this child your surname. Or at least double barrel it. You aren't being petty or dramatic.

privateporcupine Thu 19-Apr-18 13:18:36

But then you’ll still have a different surname to some of your kids? How would you decide which name to take?

SprogletsMum Thu 19-Apr-18 13:20:20

I changed my surname to match my dcs but all of mine have the same name. How would you choose which children to match? Whichever way you go there's going to be children left out.

cakecakecheese Thu 19-Apr-18 13:20:37

Sorry we cross posted. I get about not wanting more than one divorce but surely the same could be said about having kids with someone...

Somerville Thu 19-Apr-18 13:20:46

So you have surname A, and have 3 kids with surname B and 2 kids with surname C?
If the kids were happy you could double barrel their names, so that 3 are of them are surname A-B and 2 of them surname A-C. But for the older kids this would only be fair if they were happy about it.
Alternatively you could change your name to surname B-C so you share a surname with all your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 19-Apr-18 13:28:15

I think this man is indeed having his cake and eating it. You have surrendered a lot of power to him as well in this relationship and he knows that too.

I would consider changing your eldest child's surname to match yours and give your as yet unborn child your surname too.

NameChange30 Thu 19-Apr-18 13:42:08

What a mess. This is why I think women should keep their names if they get married (or double barrel if they want to add their husband’s name) and should give their own name to their children (again can double barrel if father wants to give his name too). It’s totally fair enough to want to share a name with the children you have given birth to and raised.

I think you have the following two options:
1. Change the name of DC4 (the first child with current DP) to your maiden name, or both surnames double-barrelled, and give DC5 (new baby) the same surname
2. Marry DP and change your name, then give DC5 the same surname.
If your DP doesn’t want to marry you, insist on option 1.

Of course that doesn’t solve the problem of your first 3 children, but I think it’s a bit late for that. Perhaps you could add your maiden name as an additional middle name, if your exH would agree? That would be pointless though if you are just planning to change your name again and take dp’s instead of your maiden name.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 19-Apr-18 13:50:26

He says he would eventually like to get married but he wants to be sure we're going to be together forever.

He knows you’ve created human beings together, right? Love how a bit of paperwork is somehow a bigger deal than actual children. He sounds like an idiot.

Don’t give your younger siblings seperate surnames. Either double-barrel them or give them just yours - as in change the older sibling to have your name/double-barrel too.

Then change the names of the 3 eldest to double-barrel names with yours.

I get wanting to all have his name but if he’s this thick about a stupid marriage then he’s not going to go for that.

PrettyLittIeThing Thu 19-Apr-18 13:53:59

So all your kids would have different surnames? It's up to you but I wouldn't like it personally.

Mimco Thu 19-Apr-18 13:56:46

Ugh it's a pain in the arse.

I can't change DC 4's name without DP's permission and I don't think he'd agree.

Ex h wouldn't agree to changing our DC's name and DC probably wouldn't want to either.

It would be a bit weird and confusing if DC with DP had different names.

So basically I'm either changing my name to DP's or back to ex h's.

Dancingleopard Thu 19-Apr-18 13:57:47

Just double barrel it.

I was in your position and it bothersome sometimes but it’s just a name.

Dancingleopard Thu 19-Apr-18 13:59:30

Why would your dp have a problem if you double barrel it?

Is this really about getting married? Does your dp not want to do it?

PrettyLittIeThing Thu 19-Apr-18 13:59:30

Oh whoops I read it wrong as in you wanting this baby your carrying now to have your name. Yeh I would just change your own name personally.

Mimco Thu 19-Apr-18 13:59:30

Both DC with DP were unplanned. Conceived while on the pill and I'm not exactly young. This pregnancy was the biggest shock. I'm now 5 months (found out at 2) and I'm still trying to adjust to the idea.

Mimco Thu 19-Apr-18 14:00:51

DP's name is already double barrelled so I don't know how we'd do it... Without going into too much details it would sound ridiculous.

Angelf1sh Thu 19-Apr-18 14:03:39

I’d give it your surname. Your kids already have different surnames so there’s no additional confusion to be had. If you’d like to get married though, you should talk to your DP.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 19-Apr-18 14:04:52

Ok just take his name then. If he doesn’t want to get married then fine, but he can’t prevent you having the same name as your children. Still, you should have a calm discussion about it and say everything you’ve said here. Hope it goes well.

missyB1 Thu 19-Apr-18 14:07:50

He's not marrying you yet because he wants to be sure you will be together for ever??? You have had one child by him and are expecting another, why on earth does he keep having kids with you if hes not sure this is a permanent relationship?

Jeez I would walk away from a relationship like that tbh he desnt sound very committed.

RatRolyPoly Thu 19-Apr-18 14:08:50

Yeah, change your name by deed poll, I would. I would also give your new DC the same name as their sibling, but that's just me. As for yours, could you double-barrell your earlier dcs' surname with a part of your dp's? Then you'll have some part of the same name as all of your children.

Oh yeah, and don't then change your name on marriage.

Bekabeech Thu 19-Apr-18 14:09:37

I have a different surname from my DC despite being married to their dad. It hasn't been a problem.
To be honest I'd give the new one your surname, revert the older one to your surname.
And probably kick him out, that we'll get married when I know it will last - sounds like "I want to keep window shopping" to me.

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