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Can you ever forgive and forget this???

(82 Posts)
Oneday5 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:01:02

Hi there anybody

Firstly, just want to say thanks for reading my post, now where do I start?

I would just like to understand people’s opinions on the following please.

I’ve been with my Husband for 7 years and have a 3 year old boy.

My husband has always been critical of me since we started our relationship. He would say I was thick when he felt I didn’t do something right, that I shouldn’t wear a top that shows any cleavage, that we shouldn’t visit places we’d ever been to with past partners.

The criticisms turned into physical actions, he spat at me, pushed me against the stairs, pushed me to the floor, gave me a black eye,

I reported this to the Police after months of mainly verbal but some physical attacks. Then after months of him being on bail but pleading with me to retract my statement, I did, I desperately wanted to have a family and I didn’t want him to lose his job if he had been charged.

2 years on and we’ve been living together but we still argue, he still is controlling and at times nasty. I have become so distant to him as I cannot forgive those things he did to me. He has acknowledged they were wrong but thinks I was just as bad and I drove him to it!

He still tells me he loves me, that he wants our family to be together and when he does this I cry as that’s all I want too. I’ve gone back to him several times.

Can you ever move on from such a sad, horrible past and make this work?

Or is there no option and I must go alone?

Your thoughts would mean a lot to me.

Thank you

Emma198 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:02:39

I can't see how you could ever make it work with him. He doesn't deserve you to. You do deserve to be free of him though. X

GertrudeCB Wed 18-Apr-18 22:03:22

Oh darling, he is an abuser and you are his victim. No forgiving, no forgetting, just get yourself and your DC away from him.

category12 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:08:00

He may have stopped the physical abuse, but he's still verbally and emotionally abusing you. You can't have the idyllic family scenario with him, because no matter how much you want it to work, he can't or won't change. It's also showing your ds a horrible model of how to behave in relationships.

Oneday5 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:09:24

Thank you Ladies, I doubt myself all the time. Appreciate you taking the time to respond. Sleep well x

italiancortado Wed 18-Apr-18 22:09:59

The criticisms turned into physical actions, he spat at me, pushed me against the stairs, pushed me to the floor, gave me a black eye,

Why would you ever want to forgive this?

Oneday5 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:16:43

You’re right, I should never forgive this x

missbonita Wed 18-Apr-18 22:17:04

You need to summon the courage to escape him and have the happy life you deserve. He is abusing you with coercive control following physical abuse, you need to leave him. I hope you can find the strength you need flowers

SevenStones Wed 18-Apr-18 22:17:38

He doesn't love you. Don't go back next time. flowers

ferntwist Wed 18-Apr-18 22:18:29

You sound like a kind-hearted and forgiving person who should never have been treated like this. It’s really worrying that he still tries to blame you. No way did you drive him to hurt you, that’s outrageous.
You deserve someone so much better. Ask him to leave now while you are still young and could have a second chance with another man and more children with someone who will cherish you, not attack you.

ferntwist Wed 18-Apr-18 22:19:07

You’re the mother of his child, the last person on earth he should want to hurt.

Mintychoc1 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:19:57

No, I’d never forgive. And you’re not doing your child any favours showing them this relationship, it would be better for you and your child for you to leave this horrible man.

Oneday5 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:24:23

Thank-you everyone for your words. I do know that a man isn’t driven to being so nasty, I just wish I’d believe in myself and my own conscious more x

user1467232073 Wed 18-Apr-18 22:25:30

This is not a healthy relationship. You need to get out for yourself and your child x

Lilymossflower Wed 18-Apr-18 22:26:32

Stay strong , you can leave him <3 it's hard but it'd the best for you and your child xx bless you

Notallthat Wed 18-Apr-18 22:31:58

Its not a healthy family environment for your son though. Your husband knows that is what you desperately wants and uses that to manipulate you by making empty promises. You need to leave before your son thinks his treatment of you is normal.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 19-Apr-18 09:50:09

Please have a chat with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
They can help you see this for what it is.
Also talk to them about their Freedom Programme and do it ASAP.
It takes 'victims' of abuse appox 7 attempts to finally leave.
You need to make your next move, your final move.
Get away from this.
He's crushing your self-esteem and self worth and you'll have nothing left of yourself soon.
Time to put you and your DC first.
Get away - WA can help you with an exit plan.
As he's been violent this can always re-occur so make your next steps carefully and do not let on what you are planning.
YOU deserve to be HAPPY.
Get away and get out there and find it.

FailingTheBoyfriendExam Thu 19-Apr-18 09:56:31

Even when you take him back, you're still not getting the happy family you want. You're getting a mental and physically abusive partner.

Follow the advice given - contact woman's aid, and leave him.

Incidentally, remember that splitting up doesn't mean eternity alone. For a period of time you would be single of course, but I'm sure friends and family would support you. In the long term, you are far more likely to find the happy family life you want with a new man than with the abusive one you're currently with.

Oneday5 Thu 19-Apr-18 11:28:12

Thank you Ladies for your kind and touching responses. It is true my self esteem and self worth is low and if I’m honest, always has been, hence why he was probably attracted to me in the first place.

I wanted to please him so much, in the end I’ve been left with nothing of myself and in turn have become miserable.

I am lucky in that I have good family support and I certainly don’t want my dear son to be witness to all this.

Oneday5 Thu 19-Apr-18 11:45:52

One thing to mention as well is he’s started to say I’m suffering with Post Natal Depression and Anxiety which I don’t think I am. I’m just miserable because I’ve put up with a lot and also haven’t been strong enough to tell him no anymore.

Iooselipssinkships Thu 19-Apr-18 11:54:01

They use that tactic OP. Try and gaslight us into thinking we're crazy. You're miserable because of him and him only. It's time to get out and as safely as possible.

Oneday5 Thu 19-Apr-18 12:22:24

So true, wow the support on here is wonderful. Lifting my spirits in a very bleak time x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 19-Apr-18 12:33:12

ONeday5 you will find so much support on here.

Also suggest contacting Women's Aid as they will be able to help and advise you.

You can do this. Don't settle for a life of being told you're 'thick' when you're not. Don't let your little boy grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women.

You can make him a better man.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 19-Apr-18 12:35:09

Yep, typical abuser response.
You don't want to be with me so YOU must be crazy.
Get a plan to get gone.
Make it all real and talk to friends and family about what has gone on.
If they are supportive then they can help you get away as well.

Oneday5 Thu 19-Apr-18 12:53:49

He’s even tried to speak to one of my close friends to say how concerned he is about me. He also insisted coming along to a doctors appointment and actually made an appointment to discuss my “depression” with the GP. All very strange stuff I know x

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