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Relationships

I think this is finally over

25 replies

Cosmicbird · 17/04/2018 09:45

I can’t honestly remember when things started to go wrong but it’s been happening for a while just getting progressively worse and worse. Have tried the couples counselling route and worked for a few months. He has been for counselling several times himself and it hasn’t helped. Has also been on antidepressants for a while and they didn’t help either. Obviously a lot of back story here but I think we have finally finished and I just wanted to put it out there as there is nobody I can talk to in real life. He lost the plot at our 6 year old this morning and when I stepped in went off on a rant about him and then about me. I told him leave the house as soon as he was dressed and not to come back into the kitchen where we were all getting breakfast. I think he packed a bag upstairs. I don’t care where he’s gone or whether or not he’s planning on coming back, for myself I actually hope he’s not, but hate having to explain it to the children. I’m sure they won’t be surprised as they have been living with a lot of crap for the last while although as it’s been escalating ever so gradually they may well think this is normal.

I don’t even expect or need responses really I’m just exhausted and sad. We’ve been married almost 10 years together another 3, have had 5 children together although apparently he never wanted most of them and every decision we’ve ever made has all been me and he’s just gone along with it all so none of the financial/housing mess or anything else that goes wrong here right down to anything the kids do “wrong” well that’s all my fault or his parents fault or the bank or his employers or basically everyone else but himself. I married him because he was so kind and gentle and thoughtful and just lovely but he has over the years morphed into this awful bitter resentful negative angry man and I don’t even like him any more never mind love. How the hell did I get it so so wrong? Even when things were deteriorating I kept hoping this talk will be the one to sort it things will get better now etc etc etc every single time. I feel so stupid.

I will cope on my own, I have an older daughter who is great and my mum and I’ve come to the concussions anyway that however hard things are going to be from now on, it’s still better than living with his toxic presence.

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pog100 · 17/04/2018 10:09

You sound very sad, and rightly so, but also clear and determined. It is clearly right to end it now, from what you have said, and I am sure you and your family will be much happier without him around as a massive negative influence. Well done on recognising it and acting, and be strong in carrying through with it.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2018 10:16

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run, but I think getting him out of the house this morning was a smart move. Poor 6-year old!

Speak to your Mum and family about practical steps for the next couple of days and take it from there. The kids are probably relieved that the toxic atmosphere has gone... hope all works out for you.

Can you find a local solicitor who gives a free half-hour session?

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Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 10:52

Aw poor you, I have no advice other than you'll get through this and things will improve for you, it's great you have your mom and daughter to lean on too

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SevenStones · 17/04/2018 11:02

every decision we’ve ever made has all been me and he’s just gone along with it all so none of the financial/housing mess or anything else that goes wrong here...all my fault...everyone else but himself

My EXH was exactly the same. It'll be a breath of fresh air without him, I promise you! Flowers

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SianRunner · 17/04/2018 11:18

Good luck Flowers

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Cosmicbird · 17/04/2018 11:54

Oh thank you for replying xx

I’m on edge for the day now. He’s gone to work I presume so I won’t know until the time he’s usually home if he’s not coming home. We’ve been on the brink of splitting up for over a year I’d say, I think I finally copped it was over for me while I was pregnant with my now 14 month old but haven’t been emotionally able to properly tackle it until now, still not ready really, I’m not getting a nights sleep and haven’t for a long time and it’s full on with 6 children even with the eldest pretty much able to take care of herself! But at the same time I’m hoping this strop is “it”. Honestly I’ve only been hanging in there because financially we are not great and that’s going to get worse when we split. But most of that is on him and separated from him I also lose the large debt that has been holding us back so simplifies things a little for me in that sense.

We have come close before though and somehow always back pedalled and limped on. I really really want it to be over now and really really don’t want any more confrontation today so I’m hoping he doesn’t try to just walk in the door after work as though nothing has happened. THen it will be silence for as long as I can stand it before I initiate some sort of conversation as it has always been up to me to fix things up and come up with the solutions all the time.

I’m sorry I’m off rambling now but thanks for the replies again x

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Cosmicbird · 17/04/2018 11:55

A solicitor is definitely something I will have to get on to, I have no idea how an actual separation works in reality

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Cosmicbird · 17/04/2018 11:56

I don’t know how to tell my mum though, she is wonderful and supportive in so many ways but not the easiest person to talk to although I’m sure she is fully aware things haven’t been great between myself and husband I don’t know if she will have realised the extent of it

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Mimilondon39 · 17/04/2018 12:03

It sounds like things have been really tough for you - and you've been strong enough to deal with it. From what you have said life will be easier when he isn't around. You can do this! Hugs and best wishes xxx

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Cobblersandhogwash · 17/04/2018 12:04

Cosmicbird, you sound amazing. So strong and resolved. I admire you.

WRT large debt. He's not able to leave that hanging over you, is he?

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ChickenMom · 17/04/2018 12:21

How much counselling did he have? A few sessions isn’t enough. Do you think he would go back and get some more help?

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itsadventuretime · 17/04/2018 12:24

Oh boy. You are basically describing my life - except we only have one child he is simply cold towards. I always thought he'd be a great father and I myself always put up with his grump and bitterness because he seemed so principled and helpful and responsible - so I thought my joy and positivity would offset his moodiness. I'm on day 2 of no contact while he's on a work trip - at my request. I feel calm, but I keep thinking if the reason he acts like this is depression, I'm a horrible wife for thinking about how he treats us and not putting him first at the moment.

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Cosmicbird · 17/04/2018 13:19

Cobblers no his debt is tied to a house he bought before we even met and my name was never on deeds or mortgage even after we married so completely separate from me

Chicken he went to 2 different counsellors on 2 occasions, 4 sessions with the first guy who he said didn’t help at all and longer with the second guy and I attended a couple of those too, at the time he found it helpful but no long term changes.

Any time we have a big blow out followed by a big talk and plans for how things can be improved he’s all talk and then maybe there’s a few weeks or even months of effort but thing inevitably always slide right back to how they were

Itsadventuretime like you I though he would be such a great loving and caring father but he just can’t do it. Everything is too much for him. Everything is a pain and an inconvenience. He has zero ambition in any area of his life I don’t mean just work, he would rather sit around watching tv and moaning about how hard and unfair it all is than actually doing anything about it.

My 8 year old girl is a quiet worrier, she’s been obviously anxious about things for a while now, he’s been sleeping on the couch for months using the excuse that the 3 year old kept coming in at night and with the baby too there was no space. He would get so angry when any of them would come in during the night and make such a damn fuss. Now that the 3 year old is mostly staying in his own bed all night DD has said couldn’t you go back to sleeping in the bed now, poor kid just wants everything to be ok, they are all far too aware of the problems and arguments, I feel so awful for putting them through all of this

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Cosmicbird · 17/04/2018 18:01

Ugh he has just come in the door. Not speaking to me or coming near me. I’m sick to my stomach right now.

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Calyx · 17/04/2018 18:21

Poor you and kids. Not your fault he went along with things he now says he didn't want.

I would just say to him it's over, pack a bag and leave please. If he says where will I go, tell him it's not your problem. (That's what I did with my ex husband and he agreed and went eventually)

If not then I would at least agree with him that it's over and you're separating and then your priority is getting that sorted with the least stress for the wee ones.

(Sorry if you don't want advice, I'm rooting for you! No more flogging a dead horse - what a relief it is when it's done)

Good luck Thanks

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Calyx · 19/04/2018 17:38

How are you doing? Hope you're ok Thanks

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Cosmicbird · 22/04/2018 18:34

Hey, thanks for checking in :)

So I’ve been totally clear and told him it’s time to go and it needs to happen ASAP. Said I would give a little bit of time to think and then we could sit down and work out a plan.....he didn’t approach me at all so after a few days I brought it up again. He really did not understand that I meant it had to happen now and said he had been thinking about it but hasn’t actually done anything about finding somewhere to go. Asked for more time. Wanted to wait until after or daugter’s communion in a few weeks, sons birthday also falls during that time. I don’t get what difference it will make to them waiting but maybe I’m wrong. Now that I’m feeling so resolved about what has to happen I just want it done. The longer it drags on the more I’m waivering. Maybe I’m being selfish wanting him to go etc etc but then I remind myself how he is with the kids (or he reminds me by being obnoxious)

He said he would go to a hotel and charge it to the (my!) credit card and leave me deal with the expense. Refusing to go to his parents because he has issues with them but like there is nothing in the open and they would let him stay I’m sure.

Don’t know what to do. I gave him until next weekend and said we would tell the kids today. He hasn’t attempted to bring it up today or asked me when we are talking to them. Maybe it would be better to hold off telling them until we know where he is going???

I actually have no clue what is the right thing to do now and have an awful feeling if I don’t push it he will just stay here

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Calyx · 22/04/2018 21:07

Well done for starting the conversation and being assertive about not letting it slide.
I remember the wishing it was just done already and the endless excuses about staying for another week / month etc.
You're doing the right thing.

I don't know what to say about telling the children (we didn't have any) but they will find out. I don't think he should put you into debt however, I would be taking my name off any joint account or cards.

Keep your chin up, this is frustrating and difficult but will be totally worth it.

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Cosmicbird · 23/04/2018 06:04

Thanks Calyx. Joint finances are going to be a massive issue. It’s only as we begin to do this that i can really see how complicated it is going to be and it is very daunting

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Anniegetyourgun · 23/04/2018 08:50

But the alternative of staying with Mr Misery must be even more daunting!

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CaledonianQueen · 23/04/2018 09:08

Have a read of this article, scroll down to THE VICTIM. I may be barking up the wrong tree, however, your op reminded me of the victim.

The article quotes the book 'why does he do that', written by Lundy Bancroft.

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Huskylover1 · 23/04/2018 09:25

Your lives sound incredibly stressful. I'm sure that the man you married, is still in there somewhere. 6 kids / housing issues / mountains of debt / not happy at work.....he sounds very stressed and sad.

I can't see how counselling would help here, because when he returns home, the same issues are still there.

Could you try to solve some of the issues, before throwing the towel in?

Chores at home : get everyone to pitch in

Debt : how can you tackle this? Most lenders are open to negotiating with debtors (I used to work in debt recovery). You would be amazed at what Banks will accept to draw a line under a debt. He could apply for an IVA (or a Trust Deed if you are in Scotland), which normally means the debtor pays 10p for every £1 owed, the rest is written off.

Work : he can look for other jobs.

Have to run, but just sounds to me like he's very sad.

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Cosmicbird · 23/04/2018 09:26

That is some interesting reading, I definitely recognise him in there, thanks for the link.

Absolutely staying with him is more daunting which is how I’ve finally come to this decision, I mean I’ve decided a few times and then backed down but got closer each time. This time I am doubting myself but I know in my gut it has to end no matter what the fallout is it just can’t be worse than the last few years.

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Cosmicbird · 23/04/2018 09:38

Husky thanks for your input but I have tried absolutely everything to resolve our issues and it has been only me trying for years. We are not in the uk and he actually works for the bank where his debt is so it’s complciarsd. He is a sad and angry person and hand on heart I can say I have done everything in my power to help him and hold him up, to my own and my children’s expense often, and I cannot do it any more. He also can’t see how much he has been helped and carried for years and only channels his energy into blaming others for his woes.

Chores are not his stress because I do the majority of it anyway by a mile. Jobs he has been looking for a new job for 18 months and done one interview in that time. His debt complicates the job situation. He has not cooperated with any offer from the bank with regard to clearing his debt and through he can find money for beer, cigarettes and sports he can’t find money to pay anything back and so it sits there accumulating interest. Housing, again it’s me searching for alternative solutions and he just sighs and gets cranky when I try to discuss these with him or nods and agrees to do his part and then doesn’t.

To say I am throwing in the towel is unfair, I can’t help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped.

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