Hi everyone. I have been with new dp since early December last year. We met on a night out, got talking and here we are. Things are going well and we see each other a couple of times a week. I really like him. We get on great, laugh constantly, have the same values etc. But there’s one big thing in our relationship that is so pathetic but I can’t get over it. When he is busy (so on a night out, at work, just generally pottering etc) he takes forever to reply to messages. So example he stayed at my place Friday night. He left for work Saturday morning, text me on his break (about 11ish), I replied around 1 and the next time I heard off him was 7 o’clock when he said he’d been for a meal with his brother and was heading into town and that he hoped I’d had a nice day. He then text me when he got home about 2am (which I read and replied to this morning). He then messaged me about dinner time today and I haven’t heard off him since.
Now I suffer very badly with anxiety (which he doesn’t know about as I don’t talk about this with ANYONE except my counsellor). I am on medication and go to see a counsellor weekly. I am really trying to get myself better. But I’m tying myself into knots. I spend a lot of time on my phone and he doesn’t. When we are together he maybe looks at his phone once/twice (if that) in maybe a 10 hour period. So I know he’s not constantly on his phone and ignoring me. As well as this when I check to see if he’s online/been online he hasn’t been all day so again I know he’s not just sat online and again ignoring me. I KNOW he is busy and I KNOW not everyone is glued to their phone but I get myself so upset about it. It’s silly. I am a grown woman, responsible job, dc etc and I’m almost giving myself a panic attack because my boyfriend is taking longer than5 minutes to reply. It’s pathetic isn’t it?
My counsellor has explained about the anxious side of my brain and the rational side of my brain (and rationally I can see I am being stupid) but nothing seems to be helping. I feel like I spend my life checking my phone to see if he’s replied.
I know he’s busy and I know we don’t have to be in constant contact. My friend says I need to speak to him but really what can I say ‘when you are busy and having fun make sure you take time out to reply to my text about the soup I ate for lunch’. It’s just silly.
This is how it’s been since we very first met so it’s not as if contact is decreasing. He’s said before he has never been one to sit on his phone. And if anyone else takes a while to reply (and I am guilty of taking days!!) I dont give it a second thought yet when it’s him... I just lose my mind.
This is a ramble so I do apologise. My anxiety is overwhelming me today.
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Please someone help. How can I stop this obsessing.
AnxietyCanFuckOff · 15/04/2018 18:37
Anxiety can fuck off indeed! It's not pathetic, it's your brain.
I really feel for you as I am very similar. Very anxious about relationships after some bad experiences and I set far too much stock by messages. Like you, I know it's irrational but it's still there.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for the past 18 months and he is also not a big messager and will take ages to reply to texts. And it has caused me stress and has caused problems in our relationship when I have let myself get wound up about it.
What's made it better is talking to him about it. It's bloody hard to do as I didn't want to come across as too needy...but at the same time I do have needs! I have also had to accept that he just texts less than I would ideally like. It's just part of his personality and I accept that. I told him quite early on in our relationship that I have had problems with anxiety and how that can manifest without going into too much detail and definitely without saying "You have to answer my messages, or I will flip out!" 
Later on, after we'd been together about a year, we had an honest chat about how things were going and I said how hard I found it when we didn't see each other for a while (we live in different towns) and he suggested talking on the phone every day, when we can both manage it. Since then, things have been loads better. If we have days when we don't message much, I can chill as I know we'll have a decent, proper conversation on the phone in the evening.
So what I suggest is:
- accept that this is just who he is. He might be prepared to meet you in the middle, as my lovely boyfriend has, but don't go expecting a massive personality change
- focus on his actions. Does he make time for you? Treat you with respect etc? Try to remember all of the good things about your relationship when the obsession with messages starts to take over.
- talk to him. At least to say that you have had problems with anxiety, and take it from there
- keep yourself busy so you are not constantly checking your phone. Do some kind of exercise where you can't have your phone on you (like swimming!) Exercise is great for anxiety too.
- If you are communicating on WhatsApp, TURN OFF LAST SEEN! It's the work of the devil. It tells you absolutely nothing of any value!
The fact that he is busy, has a good social life and is not constantly glued to his phone are all really good attributes, IMHO. Also, the consistency of contact is a good sign! I really hope things go well for you both.
Thank You everyone. I have just spent the last half hour sobbing down the phone to the Samaritans 
the anxiety was just... overwhelming. Truly truly feel like I couldn’t breath.
In regards to him, he is lovely and I feel secure as one can feel in the early stages. I have been hurt before and I suppose that carry’s over and I’m waiting for it all to go wrong which puts me on edge but that’s something I’m working on with my counsellor.
McKenzie you are so right in that my self worth is the source of these feelings. I don’t feel good enough/pretty enough/slim enough/nice enough so my is constantly feeding me negative things. This is something I’m trying to work on (without much success) as it transfers over to my work life, my feelings about being a mum, how I feel as a friend. I just feel like no one likes me or just puts up with me. Whereas the rational side of my brain tells me I’m a good, funny, kind person!
Freaky thank you for your post. It’s really made me think more rationally about it. This is who he is, I need to accept that as I am in an absolute cycle with this messaging thing. I REALLY don’t want to come across as needy, I’ve been told I’m needy in the past and have tried to work on it. He is very kind and attentive and the messages we send are quite long so it’s not like I’m waiting on a reply to ‘good morning xx’. I need to focus on the actions when we are together and focus on the positives.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it. Anxiety is a vicious thing and I am really trying to get the help I so desperately require but sometimes it all becomes too much.
Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’ve just burst into tears again 
Yeah I was told I was needy when getting dumped last year. This time last year actually as we were pretty much at the exact same stage as my and current dp are at. I didn’t feel like I being needy, I didn’t overly text/ring, was fine with seeing eachother once a week, didn’t push to meet his family etc. So to hear I was being needy was a shock and I suppose it’s made me very, very aware of it.
Thank You Honey for your tips, it’s good to know I’m not alone in this. I feel so much better if I leave my phone upstairs/ switch off but then I’m justgojjg upstairs or switching it back on.
I think when he doesn’t reply for a while I feel like he’s getting sick of me/going off me and that when he DOES reply it’s a pity text/ feels like he should. Like today I’ve heard off him at 11. His text was chatty and nothing amiss but he hasn’t replied to my message so now I’m think he’s definitely going off me :(
OP, I think you must be doing an 'ok' job of hiding your anxiety from him as from your first post, you don't reply instantly (as if you've been shot) as some people do. That's impressive in its own right.
I think if you could put your phone down, put it away even and just look at it a few times a day. There's nothing that can't wait because if people needed you urgently, they'd ring you.
I feel for this generation as they've never been without their phones and even earlier generations are picking up the habit. It's become obsessive and you recognise that so give yourself some credit there. :)
No though, don't ask him if he's going off you. I'm a very laid back person but that would be a red sign to me and might even trigger in him what you most fear. Don't do it - you can control that.
Your last post is positive - have your bath, listen to music, watch a film - and perhaps switch your phone off for a few hours. Nothing bad is going to happen. 
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