Honeymoon period is over if there ever was one

[PookieDo]

Firstly I want to make it clear I am in no way complaining about my DP’s devotion to his children in fact I really admire it hugely but there is no denying that it is killing our relationship. I don’t know how to begin to broach this with him either without looking like a selfish witch. I think the answer is to end it but I would like to talk about it and see if anyone has experience?

Backstory, I knew this when I got involved with him 2.5 years ago. I work all week as does he and we live some miles apart. My children live with me all week and they are much older than his children and fairly self sufficient also enjoyable to spend time with and do more grown up activities (staying out past 7pm). He does not seem to enjoy spending time with my family unit very much, he doesn’t do it often and he is present but not engaged with them. He looks bored. He is never available to come to extended family events like birthdays so I no longer invite him. Well I will ask if he is free sometimes and the answer is always no. My family barely know him so when he does see themselves he’s awkward and uncomfortable and I worry the whole time about it. He does his own thing most nights of the week like catching up with friends, he also goes away sometimes.

He has his children all weekend, every weekend. I’ve had some quiet resentment towards his ex for this and he hasn’t put me straight otherwise but I have come to realise that he is choosing and asking for this time and if it gets mentioned by me asking if we could go out one weekend... he gets misty eyes over everything he’s missing out on seeing them grow up so I shut my mouth and feel bad. In my child free time on weekends etc I make the effort to spend time with him and his children on a very regular basis or I just would never see him. I find this Very Boring Too although I try not to show it. They don’t go to bed very early (as it’s the weekend) and I’ve often fallen asleep within 10 mins of them going off, and they have a ram packed calendar that either involves me trailing after them or left at home by myself. For all his misty eyed sadness he complains a lot they make a mess and he’s always stressed out. I also spend time with his family and friends so I have a level of investment going on all round.

Recently I have thought hang on, why do I have no social life anymore?!! and I saw my friends instead on a weekend. This seemed to coincide with a massive fucking sulk that lasted 2 days and he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.

These posts always end in the sentence ‘he does have other nice qualities’ and of course he does. He’s very generous and can be good company.

There is more to life than socialising but is it selfish of me to not want to spend 7 days a week around children without him sulking about it? This weekend I stayed in one night by myself and although he didn’t sulk he questioned it multiple times and I felt like I had to justify it!

Whenever I think about ending it I keep coming back to the children. It’s not about his children or his parenting choices but it’s really hard to articulate why we just don’t seem compatible when I’ve let it drag on so long.
Any advice?

[Fidgety31]

Can’t he get a babysitter so you can go out together at the weekend. ?

[Jon66]

A frank discussion with him about the relationship and what you need might be a good start. If you can't do that imo this relationship is not right for you.

[PookieDo]

He would never do that anymore. He did when we first met as he would ask his parents but now he only would if it was some really very special event like a wedding reception or something.
If I do bring it up he gives me some waffle about organising something with ex around swapping dates and the sadness about missing out on them but this doesn’t actually seem to happen.

[PookieDo]

I don’t think we are very good at being honest with each other. He hates any discussion like that and I have to lead it and do all the work

[TheStoic]

How old are his kids? Fairly young, by the sound of it?

Your current set up would be a deal-breaker for me, and I’d have ended it months if not years ago. He’s not wrong for wanting to spend as much time as possible with his kids, you’re not wrong for resenting that this time is all weekend, every weekend.

[MistressDeeCee]

You're occasional company, and I guess sex when he wants it hence the massive sulk. You've to fit into his time, but he won't allocate any time for you. It's all about him so of course he's bored by your family. Why would they be of interest to him?

Just because a man is devoted to his kids it doesn't make him a good life partner you know. But he's not your life partner anyway - you're "Miss Occasional".

You are at different stages in your life and you aren't compatible. You must be beyond bored. I'd have ended it in your shoes, no questions or qualms as there's nothing to hold on to anyway.

[pallisers]

Honestly, I would end it if I were you.

No fault on either side but his priority is his young children (and who would fault him) and you do not want to have a social life/weekend life that revolves around that. I wouldn't either.

Like pp said you are at different stages and want different things. End it pleasantly and move on.

[lifebegins50]

Bottom line is he doesn't care if you are unhappy.

We all have parenting responsibilities but ultimately if we care for our partner we make sure there is balance.

As you are a good person you are easily triggered into feeling selfish/guilty when he plays the dad card.

He doesn't need to do or say much as you now have low expectations.Don't settle as he won't change.This is less about his children and more about his needs always coming first.

[Butterymuffin]

I would either just end it, or I would start taking my child free weekends back (without apologising or justifying) and planning to see friends / go places instead of spending them at his. If he tries to make things any better in response to this, it's worth talking about. If he doesn't and / or just sulks, definitely time to end it.

[PookieDo]

I have gone past the stage where I want it to evolve into something more next level now. I am quite sure I am occasional willing company and sex for him that he is reasonably fond of. If I was waiting for something then I would be wasting my time wouldn’t I? I feel guilty as about a year ago I got a bit flirty with another guy (nothing else) and stopped it because I knew it was just about getting some stupid attention but I didn’t really ever address the reasons why it actually happened and just felt bad about it for ages instead. I am in deep denial about what I really want in life because I’ve been so determined I don’t want to look needy or that I need a man to complete my life that I won’t admit I want to get married one day.

[greenlanes]

He wants people to believe that he is a good parent rather than actually being one. You mention that he seems stressed and complains about the mess, he wont engage a babysitter (presumably for you both to go out when his kids will mostly be asleep). My guess would be that this arrangement helps keep his maintenance lower.

I agree with pps - you are occasional for his convenience. Get rid.

[SandyY2K]

The different life stages create an issue... having no weekends together isnt ideal and the sulking would be the final straw.... I can't stand a sulky man.

[Schmonday]

It sounds fairly one sided to me. My DP has his children a lot but will always make an effort for adult time, even if it's just for an hour after they go to bed.

This should be the honeymoon period where he is making an effort to woo you - it doesn't sound like he is.

[GreenTulips]

Not really sure what you are getting out of this relationship

You don't appear to spend any time alone or any real quality time

When he's with you and your children it's just to keep you happy rather than engage in the activity

Otherwise he's with his kids and you along

Sounds like you are ready for a more grown up relationship - where as he's using his kids to keep you at arms length

Move on

[PookieDo]

He didn’t just sulk he was very rude to me and very childish about it. When I confronted him he said he didn’t know why he was in a bad mood then said he missed the kids although I pointed out the mood began when he was WITH them.
I’m not perfect myself, I think people are right we just not compatible. Just now how to have this conversation

[ReanimatedSGB]

Just dump and move on. You sound quite sorted and sensible otherwise - you do not need to settle for this miserable, selfish git. He sees you as unpaid help with his DC plus a place to get his dick wet, but he's not going to put any effort into making you happy, is he?

[PookieDo]

I don’t feel sensible I feel stupid. I haven’t had the best track record with men and was single for a long time before my boyfriend. What is sad about it all is that in 2.5 years I don’t think his absence in my life would even be obvious. There are no items left at each other’s homes and I could probably not bother telling anyone and they wouldn’t notice. On the other hand he will worry about how to explain my absence to his children.
I have had good advice and I’m grateful, I just need to work out what to say - and when. I had already planned not to visit this weekend and see my friends who are a married couple who have never even met him, isn’t that sad as she’s my oldest friend. In part these plans were me feeling stifled and I wonder if also I would welcome another mega fucking sulk from him to be able to really have the conversation as generally we don’t communicate much otherwise

[Anniegetyourgun]

On the other hand he will worry about how to explain my absence to his children.

I hope you do not in any way, shape or form consider this to be your problem?

[MistressDeeCee]

On the other hand he will worry about how to explain my absence to his children

I doubt he's much worried really, even if he's said so. You are barely around each other and you aren't a blended family. So to be honest, his children won't miss you and even if they did, it won't be for long. They have their parents.

Unfortunately it is what it is. Hes not joining you with his family, neither does he appear interested in joining yours.
You've no items round his, he's none round yours.

As hard as it is you do need to get your head around seeing this for what it is - a casual relationship. That's absolutely fine if you want that - but if you don't and you are unhappy then it's best you move on so eventually you can meet someone on the same page as you. He's showing you in all ways that it's casual but because you want more, you aren't accepting this. You will make yourself unhappy. He's just 1 man in this land.

If you leave and he does want you back all well and good if it's on the terms you want. But if his children are his only priority then being with him must mean an understanding of that.

[PookieDo]

His children see me every weekend. I think his daughter would be upset but he other children are younger and I haven’t found it easy with them, I never try to be a parent but if I’m alone with them and they do something naughty I would tell them to stop etc. I’ve felt resentful my own children don’t seem to deserve the same amount of effort from him and then I stopped caring about what he thought!
It is almost like if he can’t control something (or someone) then he’s absolutely not interested in engaging

He hasn’t said it’s casual to him when I asked last year ‘where is this going and is there any point’ and he was good at keeping me to stay by making all the right noises about how he saw something more serious in the future so I stuck around. I don’t want him to now have some realisation about giving commitment because I think nothing would really change. It’s over except the conversation!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Don't beat yourself up and feel stupid! You are not stupid. You tried this, realised it almost works for you but actually doesn't. You tried changing things to make it better for you, he had a mega sulk, you decided fuck this shit

Nowt stupid there. You sound like a nice sensible person.

[QuiteLikely5]

This relationship isn’t meeting your needs at all. You’ve got no life.

His priority is his children and no one can beat him for that.

Move on. This just seems like slow hell!

[LadyLancelot]

You don't owe him anything I wouldn't even bother having another conversation with him about it. You've tried that and nothing has changed so what exactly are you sticking around for?

[Namethecat]

You worry about his children / daughter missing you if you were to split, yet your children barely know him and he isn't showing any signs of wanting to be a part of their lives. Wake up and smell the coffee!! Yes your children might be away those weekends but don't spend any time worrying about his children's emotional well-being. They have two parent's already. This man wants you to fit into his family life but has no intention of showing interest in yours. That would be a thanks but no thanks for me and I'd be gone.

[Arapaima]

This is incredibly one sided. He makes no effort at all with your family and friends, but if you choose to duck out of seeing him and his kids one weekend he sulks for two days? It's all about him and what he wants, isn't it?

Ditch this selfish man and go out and have some fun with your friends.