Part 2 Being ME

[Jenny221]

Part 1 Link
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3201429-MIL-is-breaking-me

I would just like to thank all of you for the support in my post about my MIL yesterday. And to those who took the time to be nasty I am so happy that you have “never” been in such a toxic relationship. GOOD FOR YOU!
Like I said in my previous post. It’s not just about my MIL that I want to get a divorce, my DH and I have been clashing for the past year. We are both in the wrong and we both have some issues we need to work on. He has never been physically abusive. He has been emotionally though. He doesn’t realize that he is being a total Ahole sometimes and that his words and actions affect me.
Example
I am a very free spirit and love being able to express myself. I used to wear all kinds of flowers in my hair walk around barefoot and I was always colourful. I never had a sad expression and I never let things get to me. Now I don’t wear my flowers in my hair (DH says I am not a child anymore.) what I’m trying to say is I’ve lost ME? I’ve lost the happy go lucky GIRL/Woman I once was. He has critiqued everything to the smallest detail. He fell in love with a tree hugging hippie and now he HAS tried to change me into a trophy wife. I get that I am a mom and that can’t go to the extremes I once went to. However why have I change my way of thinking and dressing to please him and his perception of the perfect trophy wife?
Why do we as woman “some of us” change ourselves to please the ones we love just to feel unhappy with ourselves? Why do men fall in love with us and once they change us they say that they miss the person you used to be? Even when they have emotionally broken you down and moulded you into the soccer mom in training pants and t-shirts? Not wanting to disappoint them.
How do you keep your kid’s, husband and everyone around you happy if you aren’t even happy with yourself? I have been walking around in my body but my soul has left the building.
I once went away for a weekend to visit my cousin and I went to a festival and wore my flower crown with pride my bear feet and sundress! Jumping up and down to the band signing my lungs out and I felt alive again. I would do anything to get that feeling back. But at this moment in time I have lost the joy to life.
Please don’t say I need to see someone or go onto anti depression medication. I don’t need therapy or medication I need to feel able to express/be me and wear my flowers! I need to feel free and need someone to let me express me!