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Relationships

I don’t know what to do

31 replies

WheresYouWheelieBin · 23/03/2018 08:02

Some info, for context. DH and I have been together for 24 years, married for 20 years. We have three children, and, I thought, a happy marriage. We’ve had the usual ups and downs but nothing major relationship-wise, and I thought we were a good team. I had cancer 15 years ago, the treatment impacted on my libido and it never really recovered. I had to have a total hysterectomy three years ago which removed my ovaries as well as my uterus, and I can’t take HRT because of my medical history. That has really been difficult, it’s been really hard for DH and I to be intimate because I’d been in early menopause for years prior to my hysterectomy and having my ovaries removed sent me straight into menopause. I have really bad vaginal atrophy, which I am trying to treat with estrogen pessaries (it’s the only treatment i can have) but sex is really not the same as it used to be, it’s still quite painful for me. We’ve found other ways to be close, and for DH to enjoy himself, but PIV sex has always been my preference, I’m not into oral or being touched and I know that frustrates him, but it’s my body and he can’t make me enjoy that so that he can enjoy doing it.

Fast forward to my issue - I’ve found out that DH has been seeing escorts. At first I thought it was at night time when he’d been out with friends, had been drinking etc (he has a drinking problem, he drinks every night, always a bottle of wine, often plus spirits). But then I realised that he’s seeing them during the day, popping out while he’s at work. This time it’s been twice in the last 24 hours. I see the text messages on his phone - he deletes them but not immediately. I knew our sex life was disappointing him, and I’ve really tried to fix things - in amongst caring for our children, working, looking after the house etc - but I find it really hard to find energy at the end of the day to put on lingerie and be sexy.

I really can’t believe it. Escorts. Plural. How do I sort this out? I love my husband and I love our life, and I thought the feelings were mutual. If we were to split up over this our children would be devastated, and it would crush me. I thought we were a team. What do I do?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/03/2018 08:14

You cannot continue to be with someone with so little respect for you & other women.

He may have his reasons but, normal people talk about it & decide whether to continue in a relationship if they are unfulfilled.

They don’t, have sex with prostitutes. His behaviour is really scummy.

Good luck OP Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2018 08:37

Well it depends where you boundaries are really.
No way would many people accept this.
Can you talk to him about it?
Are you OK to accept that he does this?
Do you have PIV sex?
If so then get down the GUM clinic quick sharp for tests.

OnTheRise · 23/03/2018 08:48

If you split over this it will be your husband's doing, not yours.

You have to talk to him about it and see how you feel then. If he's honest and open and contrite you might be able to work this out. If not, then you don't have many options open to you.

Bananalanacake · 23/03/2018 08:54

Is he getting help for his drink problem. Does he realise it's a problem.

WheresYouWheelieBin · 23/03/2018 09:04

He’s not getting help for his drinking problem, he’s being drinking like that for years and he doesn’t think it is an issue. It’s his way of coping with stress. I’ve given up trying to do something about it because nothing I do or say has ever had an impact. I just don’t understand what has led him to taking up with escorts. We talked recently about trying to improve our intimacy and I thought I was putting in more effort and things were better. It’s pretty crushing that he’s taken what I have to offer and still hooked up with escorts. He’s planning on us having a night away in a hotel to celebrate my birthday next week, which I thought was really thoughtful of him, but knowing what I know now how can I go?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2018 09:12

Well you don't have to go.
A good thing for you though would be to contact Al-Anon.
They help families of alcoholics.
Please consider it.
It will help you with all of this.

Cricrichan · 23/03/2018 09:34

I disagree with prostitution for all.sorts of reasons but this is your husband's messed up way of keeping his marriage whilst satisfying his sexual needs.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate it but hope you manage to sort it.

OnTheRise · 23/03/2018 13:43

He’s not getting help for his drinking problem, he’s being drinking like that for years and he doesn’t think it is an issue. It’s his way of coping with stress. I’ve given up trying to do something about it because nothing I do or say has ever had an impact.

One of the first things people who go to Al-Anon learn is that they can't help their loved ones quit drinking. There's nothing they can do or say which will make a difference. So you're right, there's nothing you can do to help him right now, and sometimes putting pressure on someone makes things worse, not better.

If I were you I'd definitely cancel the birthday hotel visit. But then, if I were you I'd be telling him he had to leave our house, immediately, because I couldn't put up with a man who exploited women in the way your husband has. It makes my flesh crawl.

Adora10 · 23/03/2018 14:07

I just don’t understand what has led him to taking up with escorts.

Because he can, because he has zero respect for you and women in general.

I actually feel sick at reading this, why are you not throwing the sleazy dirty git out on to the street where he belongs, Jesus woman, in sickness and health yeah? I'd also hazard a guess he's been doing it for years, your money too OP, never mind the deceit, lies etc.

FinallyHere · 23/03/2018 14:26

re escorts, oh dear.

p.s. in an entirely different context, hope that you have a vibrator that works for you?

WheresYouWheelieBin · 23/03/2018 20:49

Thank you all for your input, it’s helped me to look at the situation differently. I’ve been blaming myself for DH straying but reading your viewpoints has helped me see it’s not just my fault.

I want to help DH; he really is a good man but he’s surrounded by men at work around the same age whose marriages have failed and he’s watching them all go out, hook up with much younger girls and generally appear to live care free lives. I think that has skewed the way he views our relationship in an unhealthy way. I also really want to help our marriage because we’ve always been pretty happy and we’ve always been a good team.

I think we need to see a counsellor together, not only to talk through our issues but also for DH to get some reality checking on his drinking and the escorts. Raising that with him is going to be really hard, but it’s either that or he continues on the path he’s chosen and we can’t stay together.

Thanks for your input. When I realised the enormity of the escort situation yesterday I felt physically sick and I couldn’t see clearly in my mind how I was going to handle the situation. You’ve given me a reality check and that’s really helped.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 23/03/2018 21:23

He's always been a good man? He's an alcoholic who uses prostitutes.

Your self esteem must be rock bottom to put up with this.

You cant save a marriage alone.

Josuk · 23/03/2018 21:50

OP - I am sorry you are in this place.
And, unfortunately - I don’t think there is much that can be done here.
And it’s an unfair and unfortunate situation.
Both on you - you should force yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing - forcing your libido, peasaries - feels like you are doing it to preserve the life you said you love.
And on your H’s side - it’s also a bad place to be. He is also essentially forced into a certain level (and type) of intimacy that isn’t what he wants/needs/etc.

A more open conversation about this, or considering alternative options of dealing with it would have been more honest. However - most people can’t deal with that this way.
So - he chose the easiest way of dealing with it.

f83mx · 23/03/2018 22:01

What is there to sort - i mean your husband has been paying women for sex behind your back. Its hideous on SO many levels, my 'sorting it' would be packing his back and telling him to fuck right off....I mean that is most people's red line isn't it? Do you not think you might deserve just a bit more than being cheated on, lied to, living with an alcoholic etc?
Josuk - he is 'essentially forced' - how? please enlighten me - he can't get everything he wants so he has, HAS to go get it elsewhere? Jesus christ.

ParkayFloor · 23/03/2018 22:03

It sounds like a very difficult situation OP I'm sorry you're going through this. Please don't blame yourself for your lack of libido you have been through a huge amount. I think you need to sit and talk to your husband, you clearly love him and want to make the relationship work. It may be that he (wrongly IMO) thinks he can have no strings attached sex with escorts to meet his needs in that way as his marriage isn't meeting his intimacy needs. From what you've said you can't really enjoy any kind of sexual intimacy and it sounds as though he can't live like that.

Talk to him about it- if you feel there's still a lot of love there (going against the grain here) I would attempt to be non judgmental about the escorts and hear him out. A marriage with no sexual intimacy is painful for the partner who craves it. Honesty and couples counselling could help you.

Guavaf1sh · 23/03/2018 22:16

Parkay is absolutely right in my view

Josuk · 23/03/2018 22:49

ParkayFloor said it much better than me.

It is easy to dismiss intimacy needs, and especially if it’s men’s needs (it is MN, after all) - but in real life - those needs are there.
And the only way to find a solution to the difficult situation is to talk about it.

Nanny0gg · 23/03/2018 23:08

What impact will him sneaking out from work have on his job? Surely it’s noticed?

Addy2 · 23/03/2018 23:41

I agree with Parkay.

WheresYouWheelieBin · 24/03/2018 00:03

I discovered that he’s been talking to girls online as well, on Whatsapp. He’s using terms like ‘babe’ and ‘hun’ which is completely not his thing. It’s almost like it’s a midlife crisis sort of thing, I’m wondering if he’s depressed. He has a very stressful job, the long alcohol filled lunches are (apparently) part and a parcel of that, which is how I think the alcohol problem got so bad - because drinking lots has been normalised for him. But now I think he can’t handle stress without alcohol, and when he’s drunk his inhibitions are lowered. I knew he visited strip clubs - apparently clients like him to take them there. But the escort thing blew me away - particularly when I realised it was happening during the day, when he hadn’t been drinking. Ok, so I’ve been naive and/or had my head in the sand about the drinking, late nights, strip clubs etc because clearly his behaviour hasn’t been limited to just that. So much to process.

I love my DH, and I love our marriage, family and life together. Even given what I’ve found out I still love all of those things. Maybe I have self esteem issues - although I wouldn’t have said that if you’d asked me before now - and I do think that cheating on a spouse with escorts is not acceptable, but I don’t think DH is solely to blame and for that reason I can’t just LTB without trying to sort out our problems. I owe it to us and to our children. I have told my sister a bit about what is going on and she has done some asking around and found a good counsellor for us, which is a positive step. Now I have to talk to DH, tell him what I know and get us to counselling. Then see what happens from there. I think that’s the right approach. I hope it is.

OP posts:
WheresYouWheelieBin · 24/03/2018 01:57

Nanny, he has a very senior role in his organisation which gives him a lot of autonomy. There is a lot of ducking out of the office for impromptu meetings that aren’t in the calendar, so it probably hasnt been noticed.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 24/03/2018 02:09

Children don't benefit from living with alcoholic misogynists.

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WheresYouWheelieBin · 24/03/2018 05:08

I acknowledge that Itsbetter, but they do benefit from having loving parents and DH is a very loving father to our children. It’s one of the things that us tearing me apart about this whole thing.

OP posts:
twoseven · 24/03/2018 05:33

You keep calling them escorts OP, are you trying to ignore the fact that he may be having sex during the working hours?
Especially if its multiple escorts. I'm glad you have your sister for support.Hope you find some resolution.

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 24/03/2018 05:39

OP you really need an STI check tomorrow.

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