DH threw my phone at the wall

[2amdilemma]

NC for this. 6wk old baby having issues with BF - have cracked/infected nipples. Have held the baby all day but I have been in pain all day with shooting pains in nipple and just wanted to put steroid cream on the weeping sores so had to put baby down while I did it. She cried for about 5/10 mins when DH came in from the spare bedroom picks her up and started berating me for not holding her and letting her cry. Told him I needed to get things done then I'll grab her. She was fed, had a clean nappy and just had a bit of wind that normally gets itself up after I lay her flat. Nothing was wrong with her. Also around 1am she becomes fussy and I normally rock her to soothe her but again was in so much pain I had to put the cream on.

He gets angry tells me to hold her and I said no, put her down she's fine I'll take her when I'm done. He throws her on to the bed then throws my phone across the room. Proceeds to blame me for not expressing so I wouldn't get the nipple pain, gets an inch away from my face telling me I'm a shit mum for letting her cry, that he needs to sleep he has work, I never let our eldest cry so why am I damaging our youngest by letting her cry.

Long story short I didn't engage and told him to put her on the bed - he threw my phone again 2 more times while saying he doesn't give a shit he'll throw it til it cracks and kicked a box of nappies, chucked my clothes on the floor and tried to physically put the baby on me while I was trying to get dressed, insulted my job prospects and told me I can't cope with more than one child.

Worst thing is I bet tomorrow he will wake up and think he was in the right for "protecting" the baby. It didn't do her any harm and I wasn't putting her in any danger but he won't get it.

Baby is fine now, she fell asleep after being in the sling while I cleaned up downstairs. I just don't know what to do. First time it's happened with kids, and I won't take job stress as an excuse for his behaviour. I just know I won't be able to get him to understand nothing wrong happened?! He's stubborn. Even if he apologises I don't think I would forgive him.

I know full well this is abusive behaviour, and he's not like this as a person but seriously what gives him the right to act the way he did? What do you even do when it's a one off like this?

[teaiseverything]

This isn't the type of behaviour that he can get away with being referred to as a "one off" because it's indicative of who he is as a person: a cruel prick with aggressive tendencies and I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but you and your kids deserve better. Much better

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Hang on-he THREW HER ON THE BED? Did you mean that? If so why aren't the police your first call? He's being a cunt and I wouldn't give such a man the time of day.

[AdalindSchade]

He threw the baby on the bed?

I'm really sorry and I know it's the last thing you want to be thinking with a little baby but you need to make plans to separate ASAP.

[ZacharyQuack]

If he felt so strongly that the baby needed to be held, perhaps he could have held her.

"I know full well this is abusive behaviour, and he's not like this as a person"

He did this, so he is like this as a person.

[Swizzlegiggle]

Gosh reading this I'm quite shocked OP. He should be helping and supporting you. He sounds awful!
Was he like this with your eldest?
You've done nothing wrong at all and of course you need to put the baby down sometimes especially to see to yourself if you're in pain.
to you and congratulations on your baby.

[claraschu]

That is horrible. No one should do that, ever, no matter what. Nothing gives him the right to act like that.

[Ohb0llocks]

Divorce.

[2amdilemma]

Sorry I should have explained better, not throw with force like you'd throw an object, more like he aggressively plonked her down from about a foot higher than the mattress. That's my fault I should have explained it better was just trying to get all this written down

[2amdilemma]

No @Swizzlegiggle he barely spent time with her but she was EBF and I had the time to spend on my first born, naturally you don't with your second and subsequent kids.

That's what I thought @ZacharyQuack and he has held her in the past but I just don't get wtf happened this time round for it to escalate, like he was looking for an argument

[katmarie]

He was aggressive with your tiny vulnerable baby. You're in pain and suffering and he has no kindness or empathy for you. He IS like this, he's telling you who he is, I'd strongly urge you to listen.

A kind person would have picked up baby, soothed her, and see what they could do to help you. That would have taken less energy and been less hard work than what he did. So think about this, is he likely to discover kindness and empathy, and lose the violent aggressive streak any time soon? Do you want your kids to grow up scared of upsetting dad?

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

That is still too high and nothing should be done aggressively with a newborn. This is him. This is how he sees you. You need better.

[mimibunz]

Divorce. Honestly OP. I felt sick to my stomach reading your post. You and your baby are vulnerable right now and he should be doing everything in his power to help you. His instinct should be to help his family.

[branstonbaby]

It all depends on the context, to me. If he is usually a very loving father/husband, I would write this off. The stress of a newborn puts everyone under pressure, everything is turned upside down and the lack of sleep is a killer. My DH (who is wonderful!) turned into a big ball of anxiety with each of our 4 DC, for the first four months. I think as they were all EBF, and only wanted me, he felt he couldn't do anything. And babies cries are designed to upset the parents, that's how they communicate and get their needs met. I often couldn't think straight when they were crying.

I am not excusing his behavior, you were clearly very upset (rightly) when you wrote this post, so just looking to clarify the context.

So, if this is not the norm, I would be having VERY STERN words about acceptable conduct, and communicating my needs as a new mum to him.

If this is the norm, f**k that. Ltb.

Hope you are ok, op. X

[PrizeOik]

I am really disturbed by your minimizing him chucking a newborn baby onto a bed.

He could have killed her. What you write is chilling. The phone thing is bad enough but I might physically murder someone who did that to my 6 week old infant.

I'm sorry but this is an emergency and you need to get your DC out of this situation. He's unhinged and dangerous. DONT minimize this.

You say this is the first time he has been like this since the kids? So he was like this before? Why did you have DC with him??? You must get out. Can you phone the police non emergency nr for advice?

[DarkPeakScouter]

I’m sorry but this screams abusive bastard

[2amdilemma]

@branstonbaby your post explains it better - it's not the norm. But whereas I know how to cope with the stress of a baby and what measures to take, I don't think he does. And he definitely has started to minimise my role as a Mum on maternity leave hence the digs about not being able to cope and never having good job prospects - Without sounding big headed, I know I'm doing so well at adjusting to a new baby, more than I thought I could ever do with a toddler and a newborn because your family dynamics change but I've got this far. those comments don't affect me but what pisses me off is that he thinks he's right and he thinks he's getting to me.

I think the shock of the situation just had me dumbfounded when he put her down, didn't have time to process because he then threw the phone and started ranting about waking the neighbours. It's only now I've written it down I can digest it all. He'll deny it and gaslight though to minimise it

@PrizeOik he's never hit me, broken stuff in anger while we were dating in college. It's been a hell of a long time since I've seen him this aggressive though - over a decade. I just can't wrap my head around why the same behaviour has returned

[PrizeOik]

It's normal for violence to begin or escalate during pregnancy and post partum.

You need to get away from him. He is dangerous. Do not spend time justifying or explaining why he is behaving like this. The why doesn't matter. What matters is getting the fuck out of this relationship. None of this is going to get better.

[branstonbaby]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't allow him to minimise the incident and make it clear that you must talk about it. The phone is a phone, (let's be honest, in the grand scheme of things it isn't important). Roughly handling a six week old is unacceptable though. I would personally give him utter hell for that. No matter how stubborn he is, he will surely show remorse for that.

If your family is anything like mine, the mornings are a whirlwind, so we wouldn't get chance to talk until tomorrow night. I would say something like 'I am so upset at your behaviour, I am devastated that you behaved like that around me, especially the way you handled the baby. We will talk about this tonight.' Plant the seed for him to think about during the day and then deal with it calmly when he gets home.



Keep us updated, OP. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs and a cuppa x

[elfies]

NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo, don't put up with it .

[TheJoyOfSox]

And your husband thinks he is the better person /parent does he? He sounds more hard work than the baby!

If shouting, throwing things and generally having a tantrum is his idea of him doing his share of parenting he needs a wake up call.

What you do about him is up to you, but make sure he knows that is not acceptable behaviour. If he says it’s because he was tired, do remind him that you’re tired too, only you’re tired with sore nipples, two children, a recovering body and a fucking manchild shouting in your face.

I’d be taking the children out all day or kicking him out until he comes to his senses!

Tell him he is a prick from me!

[Daydreamdelay]

2amdilema agree with someone's comment above. It's normal for domestic abuse to start or escalate in pregnancy or following birth as they feel they have you trapped.

He didn't just lose his temper because he was tired and shout at you to stop her crying he told you you were a shit Mum, put you down work wise, damaged your property and showed no concern for your pain.

I'm sorry sleep deprivation is a killer but there is no excuse for that. You are just going to be waiting for next time.

[Daydreamdelay]

And yes do not allow him to minimise what he's done.

[magoria]

It is worrying that your title is about him throwing the phone and not about him throwing the baby in the bed.

You even go on to minimise what he did.

Your baby is 6 weeks old, tiny and fragile.

That was enough to do serious damage.

He needs to leave for her protection.

Get help.

[AnyFucker]

it's shocking that your title prioritises the violent handling of a phone above that of a defenceless baby

This is what you are reduced to ?

[MrsBertBibby]

OP you need to report to police and social services. This is really really serious.

He could kill or seriously harm your baby.

It doesn't matter that he's not done it before. You must protect your children, by taking this straight to police.