The damage from an EA relationship. A letter to him.

[Onelasttime94]

DP


This is everything I wanted to say to you the other day but couldn’t because we can’t talk. This is how I feel written down and where I stand right now in our relationship.

This is my last attempt at getting through to you about how I feel about our relationship, where it’s going and our future in general.

I’m having to communicate this way because our discussion turns into how your work and past have made you depressed and anxious and how its making you act the way you do. Also, about how the kids sometimes misbehaving like normal kids do make you lose your shit and become this nasty aggressive person.

I’ve taken to online blogs about abusive relationships looking for advice on how to handle this and it all comes down to the same thing. Narcists never change and you’re in a no hope relationship and should leave.

Although I don’t want to do that. I’m at breaking point and will sooner or later. I’ve gotten to the point where I am only in this relationship for the kids and I do love you. Just not enough to stay and torture myself anymore.

Here are a few things I’m struggling to forgive. I understand these are the past, but they are greatly affecting my future and you’ve never acknowledged the damage they have caused or tried to put them right. So, until you can and do. I can’t move forward with you. I’ll only ever feel leaving you and repairing the damage myself will fix my insecurities.

You abandoned me when I was pregnant with your baby boy. I was left to deal with the stress of it all alone. You used your fear of the situation as an excuse not to support me through it. You left me alone and anxious every given opportunity. Yet you still wanted to make huge decisions as to what would happen throughout and after.

You’ve said some hurtful things to me, that in your words were to get a reaction.

I’m fat and disgusting.

I don’t believe you’ve ever been raped.

My boobs are small how will I feed the baby. You took that chance away from me because you selfishly wanted to be a part of feeding, so your happiness trumped my thoughts and feelings. While making me feel bad about myself and incompetent in the process. Yet never wanted to share the burden of the pregnancy. That was something I did completely alone. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. That alone has made me question this relationship and future completely. Now every time I hear or see breastfeeding mums. I feel robbed.

The truth of the matter is I’ll never have any more children to be given that chance back. You could leave any day and go on to have more children and a family. You’ve got that option and I don’t. You didn’t want to support my feelings on the matter. You just wanted to make sure your needs as a first-time dad was met. I was just a surrogate to achieve your goal. If you ignored the fact I was struggling and risking everything and made it sound like your ignorance was because of guilt. You could ultimately walk away guilt free.

You told me I could abort if I was in that much danger. Because technically YOU wouldn’t have to do anything. So again, guilt free.

From the beginning you love bombed me. Made me fall hard knowing my vulnerability. Bought me flowers, left me notes, made massive effort in making me feel safe. Told me you sacrificed lots to see me including coming to see me all the time. When, you didn’t sacrifice anything. You were alone and staying with your parents. You had literally nothing better to do. So, coming to see me was something you could focus on. Getting a train across was nothing. It took hardly any effort. You would come stay in a warm family home (maybe it did have a few bumps, but nothing major that wasn’t sorted out) You had a family that welcomed you and food on the table. You had been given an opportunity to be loved and make something of your life. I made sure you had money in your pocket and didn’t miss out on anything you wanted to do. I was trusting and open.

I didn’t tell you about my past, a couple weeks in because I didn’t know you. Not because I wanted to lie and then when you initially showed me I could trust you. I told you everything. Every hurtful piece of information. Which you somehow used against me!

At that time, I was starting to find myself again and thought I had found an actual man. Turns out you were just hiding what you really are.

Despite what you say I came to see you at your parents as much as I could around work and two children. I had responsibilities and you didn’t. Yet I made the effort to get to know you, your hometown and friends anyway. So, to say I didn’t is an understatement.

You knew I had children when you came into this relationship. So regardless of what my ex did and didn’t do had nothing to do with the dynamics of our relationship like you say it did. He is an arse and so was his family. But they didn’t stop us building a family home. But instead of concentrating on that you wanted to pick apart every negative that was completely out of my control. I was still putting my all into us and who we could become. You were more interested in making my ex suffer which tells me you were all about control.

I literally did everything to make you comfortable including giving you control of all contact and how it would take place. All the while you had your ex on Facebook because you cared about her life. How contradicting!



That started to burn bridges and the trust was already broken.



Moving should have been happy, you had way more money through loans etc than me and if you wanted to make a future with me. None of that would have been an issue and you would have invested without giving a second thought. Yet you payed “towards” carpets and bought a cooker and washer. You filtered what you thought you should invest and told me I should feel gratitude towards you. Truth is I would have managed just fine with or without you.



You’ve had plenty of income in the past 4 years and knowing what I do now. With that money we should have a nicely decorated house and car. We should have also been on a couple of holidays. So yes I resent you for that.



For the first year you lived under this roof bill free and had free rein on any income that landed in your bank. I on the other hand struggled. Since me becoming wise you’ve decided to pay your bit out of fear from being booted out but not because you wanted to.

I think you’ve been very selfish with money truthfully and at that stage if I felt how I did now and wasn’t so in love with you back then. You would have been gone and I would have done it alone.



Afterwards you became more and more abusive: name calling; telling me you and your ex had an awesome sex life and you would go back; Emotionally abusive to me; controlling and manipulative. The list goes on, but you know what you’ve done, and I know I’m going to struggle to forgive you if I ever will.



Not even a year in and I’m already in love with a man who treats me so badly but makes himself sound so good I’m stuck as to what to do.



Then my birthday and you got down on one knee and basically promised me the world and I believed it. You talked the talk and your actions showed different.

Not only had our sex lives been and gone to none existent, to the point you were leaving my needs well and truly at the door because only yours mattered. You were getting off on other women behind my back and what hurt more was it was the day after we got engaged. I don’t know how often beforehand because you were neglecting me for a while, so I think that tells me what I need to know. Then New Year’s Day which is important to me, you spent at home wanking to porn while I was with family because you said you were too ill to go and that still makes me physically sick.



I was so in love with you back then (I don’t know now why) probably because I still believed you was good. I was so horny all the time and wanted it all the time. But you wouldn’t and knocked me back all the time.

Now and this may hurt. But because of the way you have treated me and the lack of interest in satisfying me or even trying to spice things up. I’m not aroused at all, in fact I’m happy not having sex at all. I don’t want it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I doubt you’ll ever make any effort in that department and because you’ve gotten so comfortable you don’t want to.

I’ve also noticed you aren’t as quick at Cumming as you used to be which means you aren’t as aroused either. Which shouldn’t happen in a relationship where people make actual effort in their sex lives. You can’t even hurt me by saying you’re less attracted to me because I’m at the point now where I’m okay with us splitting up. But I’m willing enough to send this letter and give it one last shot.

I used to get excited when you showed interest and its sad that I don’t anymore but that’s the truth. It not that it can’t be fixed. It’s just that I doubt you’ll try.

The porn you were watching was adventurous and you show no effort in making our sex life’s adventurous. That bothered me. It doesn’t anymore.



But I’m 29 in my prime and not dead so I wont waste more time on a man who doesn’t want a real relationship.

Yeah, I’ve let myself go a bit, but considering what i’ve been through. I don’t think i’ve done bad.

Truth is DP. I don’t think you’ll ever change and I’m not going to waste my life waiting. I did say I would give it till Easter to give you a chance to prove me wrong, but I’d have to see massive steps. You say you’re anxious and depressed and you’ve had a long time to change that so that one grows old quick. Because I’m anxious and depressed but part of that is your fault. I’ve made changes to deal with my mental health and will continue to do so. But I didn’t neglect our relationship in the process. The reason I’m not invested anymore is because I don’t believe we have a future. My happiness lies within you leaving or becoming the man we as a family need you to be. But I’m ready and prepared to do it alone now.

So now in my eyes the engagement completely is off as though you never asked me, because it wasn’t meaningful, and I don’t want to think about that period at all. I don’t want to marry you and that’s just how I feel because I’m not excited at the prospect of our future together and we don’t think about marriage the same. So, I can’t go there with you. I’m asking you nicely to take back your ring. What you do with it is up to you. But that ring means heartache for me so wearing it just reminds me of the things you have done.



I don’t know if we have a future or if I’ll change my mind, but I know how I feel now.

I won’t be called names anymore any I won’t be controlled. I won’t live in a house where all its filled with is rows and I won’t stay if you don’t leave.

If after Easter I don’t feel like we are moving forward. You can either leave or I will. That’s it now.

Your banking is private, your emails are private, you’ve cancelled me out of WhatsApp groups and the rest. There is secrecy every where and I’m not happy about it.



These are all things about how I feel so it’s up to you what you do about it. Half-hearted attempts and washing round things won’t work anymore.



Personally, I really don’t feel like we’ll work. I think I’ll regret staying with you in 10 years even if you do make the effort because it’s a forced effort and not one you want to make. It’s because right now you have nowhere else to go. But who’s to say in 10 years’ time you will, and you leave me for someone else. What a fool I will have been because I could leave now and maybe be happy and free alone or with someone who is invested from the beginning.

I don’t know what will happen, I just know I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with you.

You say I love you and I only say it back because I feel guilty... I do love you, just not enough.

We walk somewhere together and you’re 10 feet ahead and I just want to walk the opposite way because I may as well be walking alone.

Truth be told, i’ve seen you’ve made a small amount of effort but because so much damage is done I’m struggling to see past that. Which means if we do stay together we need counselling that’s just a must for me.

You’ve pushed me so far over the edge I’m struggling to get back because I just don’t feel the same about you anymore. That’s the problem, you make it so difficult to see past that.



Which is why I’m saying and letting you know. Even if effort is made, I still can’t see us working anymore.

In the beginning I felt beautiful and liberated and now I just feel deflated. I know I deserve better and that’s the problem.

Me

[StormTreader]

Wow that is a lot! This is a letter for you to get your feelings and thoughts out, rather than for him to actually read?

[Onelasttime94]

Yeah this is for me. I just needed to put it somewhere. Sorry I should have been more clear.

[pog100]

Just leave. There's nothing else that will work.

[ICESTAR]

Nobody is worth all that. Nobody. And that life that he didn't believe that you had been raped?

I wish you had left him there. He's an emotional leech and is sucking the life right out of you. Please leave.

[ICESTAR]

Line not life sorry.

[NotTheFordType]

OP you are very articulate and you sound very clear sighted.

I hope that you will make that final decision to leave in (less than) one weeks time.

You and your DC deserve a lot better.