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Relationships

AIBU about contact with OW

32 replies

desecrationsmile · 22/03/2018 10:20

Hello everyone,

I posted a while ago about the separation my husband and I are going through. Won't go into all the details again.

All I really want to know is a sort of poll as to whether I am being unreasonable about this conversation/argument we had last night:

Obviously as we are getting divorced, we were having a very long discussion about things. I can't remember how it got on to this topic but we started talking about his boss at work and how she has gone out to lunch with this woman my husband had an affair with 2 1/2 years ago and then came to his office to tell him all about it (not his first affair but it was only an EA and a snog). I got miffed and upset because I hate the fact that everyone at his work knows about the affair and his boss apparently said at the time when it happened 'Well, hopefully this will make Desecrationsmile realise what she's got.' So last night I ranted for a minute or two about how unreasonable his boss is...not for going to lunch with this woman but for approaching my husband and talking to him about it which felt was kind of unnecessary. And anyway she was the OW to her now husband so she's hardly a virtuous woman blah blah.

My husband listened to me ranting and then tried to provide some sort of explanation for his boss approaching him. Apparently the OW kept asking about him and this made hiss boss concerned. Then I asked 'Did she (the OW) contact you?' To which he replied 'No'

Cue one minute more of conversation. Then I got the all too familiar exhale of breath, pained look in face and the words: 'Okay...'

Then he admitted that the OW did email him at the time and ask him how he is etc. He replied to her with similar small talk. Then she asked if she could talk to him about some stuff and he ignored her email.

(Sorry this is so long and petty)

This is my annoyance: firstly, he lied about it... admittedly for only about 5 mins but a lie is a lie. Secondly, he didn't tell me about this at the time. Thirdly, he hasn't mentioned it in the 12 months since. Fourthly, that he replied to her at all. Fifthly that his reply didn't sound like this: 'Fuck off you whore!' Then I felt terrible about bad mouthing his boss so said a sort of apology into the air in the hope that it would negate all the bitchy things I said about her. Because it turns out it was actually my husband that asked my boss if SHE had seen the OW, not the other way around. It's so bloody confusing when he changes his story like this.

AIBU? I know this is a really petty thing but it's just proof in my eyes that his default position is to lie. He has had a sort of change of heart after telling me he's leaving me. Now he says how much he loves me and keeps crying and being sad... then saying things like 'I just don't know what to do. There's no hoe. We can't make it work. etc etc.' But I just can't keep getting that sinking feeling for the rest of my life as he says, 'okay...' and then a confession. I just want some transparency. I don't want to know everything about his life; I want him to WANT to tell me the important stuff.

However, as I sat marinating this information in my head at 2am, it occurred to me that no wonder he doesn't want to tell me stuff, because I just use it as a stick to beat him with for about an hour. I don't think I invite him to be open. I suspect I overreact and that he doesn't want to rock the boat. Maybe he know I'd be annoyed that he engaged with the email, and that I would use it as evidence as to why he's not sorry about the affair.

I wonder what you guys think about this specific situation and about my reaction to it. I suspect that a lot of you will say LTB. However, what I really want is some counter arguments. I already know the arguments for why he's a pig. Is there something I'm missing here? AIBU?

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AnyFucker · 22/03/2018 10:27

I think it must be me that is missing something

Do you want to get back together with him ? If not, all this shit does not matter. If you do, you already know he is an unfaithful liar so you would be accepting him back on those terms.

All this headspace you are giving him appears to be an utter waste of your time to me

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Costacoffeeplease · 22/03/2018 10:32

You’re getting divorced? So what does any of it matter?

There’s no point talking about the past, just the details of the divorce

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pog100 · 22/03/2018 10:34

If you are divorcing you don't need, or want, to know anything about his life, important or small. I just can't see why you are caring?

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midnightmisssuki · 22/03/2018 10:37

wait - youre getting divorced right? If so - why does any of it matter?

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SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/03/2018 10:40

So he cheats and lies and you want to work out what you can do to make it safe for him to admit his indiscretions to you?

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/03/2018 10:46

Stop obsessing over the past. He's a liar and a cheat. Time to divorce.

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Jenala · 22/03/2018 10:54

Don't totally understand the responses. Yes you're getting divorced but that doesn't mean all emotions are now switched off or you suddenly won't care what he's doing.

It's a little petty but emotions are understandably running high at the moment so I don't think it's totally unreasonable. I'd see it as confirmation that he isn't particularly honest (if multiple affairs haven't already confirmed that) and a sign that going ahead with the divorce is the right thing. There's no point going on at him about it, though I understand the lying and story changing would be maddening.

You're not doing yourself any favours thinking and thinking about it. You need to try and let it wash over you a bit. I can recommend "Radical Acceptance" a book by Tara Brach. It's about how a lot of pain comes from us thinking and wishing circumstances were different and how acceptance can reduce pain in that way, although that's a complete over simplification.

Probably you have overreacted a bit and yes that might be why he doesn't tell you this stuff - but he shouldn't have stuff like that to tell! If he didn't behave that way there wouldn't be anything he could say to "rock the boat" iyswim.

I hope you feel better soon.

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desecrationsmile · 22/03/2018 13:12

The reason I care is because I'm not sure if we are getting divorced. He still lives here and keeps telling me that he doesn't want to leave.

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Costacoffeeplease · 22/03/2018 13:58

Do you want him to leave?

In your op you said ‘obviously we’re getting divorced’ Confused

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Pidlan · 22/03/2018 14:03

Detach from him.
You're focusing a bit too much on the OW imo- He is the one who has cheated on you, not her. He's an arse.

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AnyFucker · 22/03/2018 14:24

So what if he doesn't want to leave

Not being a cheat and a liar could have fixed that for him. Stupid man.

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springydaff · 22/03/2018 14:53

Girl, what are you doing?

You're letting him drag this out, maximum pain for you.

Dump his sorry ass. He's going to be doing this for ever - putting you through the wringer. Get rid of him and you get out of the wringer.

Take care. He's hurt you enough. Time to put a stop to it and all the headfuckery once and for all.

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TheNaze73 · 22/03/2018 14:56

His opinion has meant the square root of fuck all, the moment he started having sex outside of your marriage.

Anyone can leave a relationship for whatever reason, at whatever time.

If you want the divorce, do it

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PrizeOik · 22/03/2018 15:07

I'm really confused by this post. Are you "obviously" getting divorced, or are you pretending that you want to divorce in order to force his hand in some way?

If you are getting divorced, then none of this matters.
If you are pretending you want to divorce, please stop doing that because you are going to send yourself mad. He has shown you who he is, I think you need to accept who he is and decide for something better for yourself.

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desecrationsmile · 22/03/2018 15:20

I don't know what I want. He said in December that he wants a divorce, started viewing rentals, took off his ring etc. He even made us tell the kids. It's now March and he's still here. It's gone on so long that I'm starting to think that now I DO want a divorce. But i'm not sure if it's the right thing. He's totally changed his tune (although he's due to move int a rental place on 9th April)

Re: "Obviously as we are getting divorced, we were having a very long discussion about things." I think my punctuation was the problem. I wasn't saying 'obviously we're getting divorced.' I was saying that, obviously BECAUSE we are getting a divorce, we were having a conversation. It's not obvious that we are getting a divorce. In fact, it's the opposite. I THINK we are getting a divorce, but I don't know really. Have spent quite a large amount of time arguing on the phone today about which of us is the most horrible. It's all very pathetic. I don't know what I want, other than to just walk off into the sea.

I'm certainly not pretending to want a divorce to force his hand.

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desecrationsmile · 22/03/2018 15:23

Thanks for all the replies. I think the general opinion is that it's petty and doesn't matter.

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Costacoffeeplease · 22/03/2018 15:49

I think it sounds as though you do need to separate, not long until he moves out then you’ll be able to think more clearly

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TreesAgreen · 22/03/2018 16:49

Why would you not want to divorce, a lying manipulated, cheat?

Why are you waiting for him to decide what's happening?

Seriously the things you have spoken about are not petty, they are the things that make you pack your bags and leave (Or pack his bags).

Either way, it's time for you to take control.

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Brakebackcyclebot · 22/03/2018 17:06

I am confused, so I imagine you are too.

My advice to you is to work out what you want, and then take control of the situation.

If you are getting divorced, then what his boss, former OW etc etc say to him is totally irrelevant, and you have no need to know about any of it.

If you're not sure then you need to have a think about what you want. Does he make you happy (doesn't sound like it)? Why are you hanging on in there? What could you do if you weren't with him?

He doesn't sound like too much of a catch. You're bogged down in minute details about who contacted who, who went for lunch with who, who said what, and really you just need to be asking yourself is whether you want to be with this man.

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SandyY2K · 22/03/2018 17:09

In the nicest possible way, you sound all over the place. I think you'd benefit from counselling to navigate your feelings.

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magoria · 22/03/2018 17:26

Sounds like he had another woman lined up at Christmas who he thought would be over the moon to have him. So he dumped you, demanded a divorce and told the DC.

Turns out OW didn't want him so he is hoping to fall back into you playing little wife (until the next OW comes along).

There WILL BE another OW.

This is unfair, shitty and confusing for not only you but the DC.

Please salvage what is left of your dignity, proceed with the divorce and start the life you deserve with out this cockroach in it.

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PrizeOik · 22/03/2018 17:43

I don't know what I want, other than to just walk off into the sea.

This made me sad for you. I'm really sorry that he has put you in this emotional hell. You deserve better and I hope you know that.

If you aren't sure what you should do, don't turn to him to help you work that out. Counselling could help you so much - individual counseling, just for you, for you to get your head straight.

Don't talk to him about it.
He's shown you that he doesn't put you first, he's not your friend no matter how attached you feel to him.
Talk to a counselor.

Or to MN, even.

Wishing you the best. Look for peace and joy. Don't stay where those things aren't possible x

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AnyFucker · 22/03/2018 17:49

You can bring an end to this horrible limbo

Tell him to fuck right off

I really hope you are not providing any domestic services for him

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AngelsSins · 22/03/2018 21:42

I'm not sure I'd believe any of it, I just wonder if it's all fabricated to get a reaction, maybe he hopes his stories will make you "realise what you've got". Either way he's a manipulative liar and it's no wonder you're struggling to move forward when he's still living there. He's tourturing you, you can't clear your head with his crap being paraded in front of you every day.

First step is really to get him out of the house.

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kidsneedfathers · 22/03/2018 22:47

Oh dear! Oh dear! When there are kids I usually support rebuilding the relationship after a betrayal. In your case I am not sure it is the best. I am greatly disturbed by the fact that he was very much into divorcing and he EVEN told the kids but now he is changing his mind...He does not come across as a good father. In addition from what you say he had a few affairs. what also dosturb me is that it seems that you bkame yourself for the disrespect he shows you. Your thoughts are NOT petty. He is a MOODY EGOIST and his behavior is confusing. My advice:
1- he must leave the house for a while.
2- go to a lawyer to think through the terms of the divorce (even if you do eventually decide to remain with him )
3- no contact for a while so that you have time and space to think it trough. He is not considerate to your broken heart and state of mind . My feeling he lied 'just for 5 minutes' because he realised in that time that if he wants to dissuade you from divorce he has to tell the truth. He is using you and your feeling.
4- arrange child visits outside your house. He comes picks the kids and returns them- you do not invite him in just polite hello thank you
5- just say to the kids that you are probably going to divorce as they have been told but now you just need to take some distance from their dad as his presence at home is painful to you. Make them understand that he is their father no matter what happens and that both love them...Compensate them by little outings /games/books/slerpovers etc Distraction is a wondrful painkiller for kids *and grownups )
6_ maybe you will feel good after a while. (His presence might be toxic to you now).You will then proceed with the divorce with no hesitation. If you still feel confused then go to counselling on YOUR OWN until you are sure of what you want to do ..Good Luck

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