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Why is she unkind?(10 Posts)
So, avoiding a long-winded backstory, my cousin (who has always been like a sister to me) has been gradually cutting me out of her life. She has behaved similarly to my two older sisters too, but because they were never close and there is a huge age gap, it hasn't had the same impact.
She and I were very close until quite recently but a couple of major family and work issues seemed to trigger the change. We disagreed over one of these issues and since then she has barely spoken to me, she's never in when I call her and doesn't respond to my texts. If we'd never been close it would be easier, but we are very close in age and interests and have a large circle of mutual friends from school and University. At one stage, we aired our problems and tried to get over it but then she closed up again - I'm not sure why. I hate confrontation and she can be really nasty in an argument, and having been at the wrong end of her tongue before I can't face that now. She is also very passive aggressive, and rather than being direct makes digs about me in an underhand way. A month ago she posted a really biting commentary - anonymously - on a local internet message board. It was clearly an attack on me but nobody else would have known this and I can't prove it.. If I asked her about it I know she would deny it was her. She's become so sly and mean at times. I find it very hard to handle. Has anyone else got any advice?
It sounds like you are flogging a dead horse. I'm not sure why you would want to maintain a friendship with her. I understand you have a long history as friends, but her treatment is very hurtful. I'd stop pandering to her as well.
Thanks for replying @Bluebelle38
My close friends have said similar to you. And until the recent episode I had kind of concluded that it was best left alone and that I just had to accept that we were 'lesser friends' that we used to be. However, she still has the capacity to hurt me, and we have such a long friendhip and intertwined family history that I can't just ignore her as if she was only a passing friendship. Its turning into a bit of a 'divorce' situation with friends taking sides. And she can be so nice to some people (mutual friends) that they don't see what is going on.
You need to detach and accept the fact that you can't change other people, you can only change the way you react to them.
Give yourself ten minutes each day to burn with indignation at the way you've been treated...seriously...it will help! then force yourself to give the issue no more headspace until the next day.
It will take three weeks for the new routine to embed itself and once it has, it will take another three to six months for the feelings of hurt, anger, indignation at the way you've been treated to recede. And recede they will I promise you.
Is there any chance you might be able to get your parents to talk to hers surreptitiously and find out more?
There might be something that's happened (that you don't know about) and that maybe she blames you for? Or there are other things going on making her unhappy.
I think when it's come to the stage that friends are taking sides you need to let this go. She has likely let people know it is a her or you situation. I'm sorry, but why allow yourself to be a verbal punchbag? How is your self esteem generally?
Thanks all for your feedback - you've given me some really useful thoughts to ponder.
Interestingly enough I've been able detach a little today and even laugh a little at how childish it seems. Bluebells38 - you've hit on something there: my self esteem is quite low generally. When I've had a good day ( like today) I can see things logically, other times I tend to overthink things and blame myself....
I think the short answer is that she's not very nice. I think most people are capable of doing and saying some unkind things...but usually they either apologise quite quickly, or they are under quite extreme circumstances. The peolle who go about their life being needlessly unkind are just not nice, Im afraid.
She's manipulative and likely has enjoyed all your pandering trying to make things right. It's not always all your fault. I recently cut my partner's sister out of my life because she is rude, self-centered and domineering (in a very unpleasant way). Life is too short and precious to be dealing with this carry-on. I'd invest in some books on self-esteem. I think it will help you set better boundaries regarding how you allow people to treat you xx and yes, laugh at her, it is so ridiculous 😊
There is an interesting link to a self esteem test in this article:
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