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Asking ?EA partner to leave(8 Posts)
I made a thread a little while ago about the situation I was in.
Bit of background, we have a 7 year old son and I’ve come to the realisation I think I’m in a emotionally abusive relationship.
Partner is constantly snapping, shouting, belittling, controlling and being plain mean to me. He does it infront of our son and will get cross if I take extra work on and tells our son mummy doesn’t care about him all she cares about is herself. He will then snap out of it and be very pleasant to be around but I feel I csnt be myself/constantly worrying what is going to make him angry next. I have spoke to friends since my previous thread which hasn’t been easy. With the accounts I have said each is mortified and gently broached the subject that he is being abusive. I have found this hard to accept and often blamed myself and thought it was me in the wrong causing this.
Last week when partner got angry and cooled of, I confronted him and told him how I was feeling. He got cross and said some really hurtful things, I said we need some space, and he left and went to stay at his parents (they were on holiday). During the time apart after two hours he was messaging me big sorrys saying he knows he in the wrong he doesn’t know why he gets like it, it’s not me and he can’t live without me and he’s going to get professional help. Sunday his parents were due home, so he came back. We spoke again, this time he stayed very calm and listened to me. He wouldn’t admit he’s controlling and wouldn’t admit he’s abusive but said he has issues. I told him we need space but get he doesn’t want to tell his parents so agreed he’s stay in spare room, he wouldn’t text me (he didn’t stop while we were apart the weekend) and no physical contact. I work late 3/7 nights a week and I asked him to give me space the evenings I am home.
He’s not given me space, he’s tried to carry on like normal. He says he’s started talking to a counceller and tells me to trust he is going to change. I’ve tomd him I can’t trust he will, we’ve been here 4 years ago but maybe I was more naive then and took his word and things started slipping back. It’s like he has some sort of hold on me. He still won’t admit things, he got cross when I said I’ve spoke to friends, he said well of course they’re going to influence you, you don’t need them, I’ll help you be happy again, only I can do this.
Without going through all the stuff he does/says, I know the situation is wrong now, I’m seeing a professional through work on Friday as I really don’t know what is and isn’t normal behaviour anymore. He is being massively sinsier to me and a bit part of me wants to believe everything he says and it’ll be ok, but another part of me knows it’ll be lovey for a matter of time, then he will change again.
I need advice on what happens when he leaves. He’s already said not a chance he’d let me live here with our son. We have a mortgage and it’s 50/50. I said we need to put DS first and it wouldn’t be fair to have his parents separate/move home and potential school. I have done some math, with my salary and the minimum matience from him, I could afford to live here alone. I already pay all the bills/food. All he pays is mortgage. When I’ve said this to him, he again said this isn’t fair I’m not leaving so you can just carry on in our family home when I have to go to my parents or find somewhere else I can’t afford it. He is not in a badly paid job at all, I’ve no idea where his money goes each month, he use to gamble a bit, I have a feeling that may of started again. I do feel bad for him and said we will have to find you somewhere you can afford as either way he’ll still be DS dad and I want him to have somewhere nice as that will be partly DS home too.
And through all this me trying to be stern, he is pooring his heart out, which makes it so so hard but I know deep down this situation is really toxic.
His behaviour is unacceptable. Obviously you have been accepting this behaviour for a long while, and it has now become your norm. Never blame yourself for something that someone else is inflicting on you.
I would suggest getting out asap, it could escalate to more. You've figured out you can afford the house, however if he won't leave what could you do? Have you thought about using your proportion of the equity within the home to start a fresh & start a new home?
You are incredibly strong. Always remember the person you are. You shouldn't have to pretend to be someone else! Be yourself!
I just wish he would leave me alone now. He knows what to say and do to make me cave.
That would be the other option. The problem with that is I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in this area alone and would potentially have to uproot DS.
I’ve tried talking about this, there is no talking to him. He’s stormed out again tonight.
Thank you for your kind words it means a lot.
Take some legal advice so you know where you stand.
The gambling is a worry. Sign up online for a free credit check and check you and your home address, it might show up things (debts) he has connected to you x
You can get support (if you wish) from a domestic abuse service who can help you.
It's not only physical abuse they are there for.
If you can afford to keep up the mortgage on this house alone then surely you can find a house in the same area that you could afford alone with your half of the equity. Ideally you would buy him out of this house of course.
Are you married?
No we aren’t married but engaged. When we were arranging the wedding a couple of years ago, he showed no interest what so ever, he went mad when he found out I brought a wedding dress and told me if we did get married it would be abroad so most my family wouldn’t make it. Me stupidly and naive thought he was saying things for the best.... and abroad wedding would be cheaper.... only needs to be us there.... wedding dress to expensive for an abroad wedding. So I actually started planning it, again he showed no interest and said I’d have to pay for it all. It didn’t seem right so I stopped interest. We didn’t get married (thankfully now) but he made it seem like it was my idea not to.
So with the house, the area we live in house prices have increased a lot since we brought. I’d need to see someone about finances as he controlled all of this when we originally brought our home, but know we are 50/50 on mortgage. I worry on my salary I wouldn’t be able to buy in this area, but I can afford the repayments on our current home of that makes sense.
I’ve checked on experian, my credit score is clear, which is a massive relief I hadn’t thought to check, thank you.
He is still playing doting dad, he keeps trying to hug/kiss me eventhough I’ve said no physical contact. I feel so confused a bit part wants to believe he will change. He’s telling me I’m ripping our family up for no good reason and our son is going to pay the consequence for my decision.
If prices have gone up a lot then your house value will have increased too so you'll have a bigger deposit for the new more expensive place. Probably a good idea to get a valuation from an estate agent asap.
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