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Relationships

Moving on after having an affair

127 replies

Needtomoveon1 · 21/03/2018 14:13

I'd really like some advice and support here, even though I know I don't deserve it and lots of people will want to flame me.

I'm a married man (5 yrs), with one DC, and I had a 6 month affair with another woman that started last year. The other woman is single, says she loves me, and to be honest I think I love her too.... or I'm at least infatuated with her. I ended our affair a few weeks ago and told her that I was going to work on saving my marriage, but I just can't get her out of my mind. I constantly think about her and want to contact her all the time (but I haven't). I've been waiting for things to get better with time but they don't seem to be.

My wife doesn't know and I've decided not to tell her. I know this is controversial and some people will think I should - but if I can resolve all this without causing her pain that seems the best option.

I've not had sex with the OW. We've kissed and been intimate but this affair wasn't about the sex for me. I felt a deep emotional connection with her, and just enjoyed being with her or talking to her. I'm not claiming this is any better (it's not), but I just wanted to provide some context that this wasn't about purely physical stuff.

I want to try and save my marriage, not least for my DC. In hindsight I let things with my wife go stale and we had a passionless marriage. Having a child a few years ago no doubt changed the dynamic of our relationship, and I think we both got lazy and became more like housemates than lovers. The disengagement (on my part) was very gradual and I didn't even realise it was happening until it was too late. The romantic love in our marriage had evaporated and this is what I think the OW provided.

There are of course loads more details in all this that I won't go into in the interests of keeping this post short. My main question is: How do I move on? There must be others out there who have been through similar. Does this get easier or do you always think about your affair partner? Is it possible to save the marriage or have a ruined things?

I'm sorry to all those who have been on the receiving end of affairs, and I really don't want to come across as insensitive. I know what I've done is very wrong and I don't deserve (nor am I looking for) any sympathy. I've made a big mistake and now am in a mess of my own making. Just really want to find my way out of it.

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asomodai · 21/03/2018 14:19

You must not respect your wife very much.

Tell her what happened, it should be her decision what to do next, not yours.

The old excuse "I don't want to cause her any pain" is ridiculous because it benefits you most.

I was in your position once. This shouldn't be your decision, it should be hers.

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Adora10 · 21/03/2018 14:24

so not a mistake then, a cold and calculated six months of deceit and lies and you did have sex with her, stop minimising.

You should tell your wife she she can free herself of a cheat, i can't stand people who profess to love their partners but yet shit all over them, and for months on end.

You now come on here so you can express how wonderful you find your bit on the side, well you aint going to get any feedback from me other than what I've just said.

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hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2018 14:27

Please tell your wife.
She will have been sending herself crazy wondering why you are being distant.
Why you have changed towards her (because you will have)
Believe me, it will be worse if she finds out from another source.
Tell her what has happened.
Let her decide if she wants to stay with a cheat and work on things or whether she wants to cut her losses.
Trust me when I say, she's had 6 months, minimum, of driving herself mad!
Put an end to her misery so she knows that it wasn't her.
It was YOU!

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AthenasOwl · 21/03/2018 14:35

Tell your wife. Give her the option of getting rid of you.

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Unforgiven2018 · 21/03/2018 14:38

If you feel you are genuinely in love with this woman then the kindest thing for both of you is to end your marriage. It doesn’t sound as though you are truly in love with your wife and if you do end it you will then give her the chance to meet someone with whom she can build a happy marriage. My husband stayed with me for 24 years and we have finally split now I am 50. We should have done it years ago as I’ve wasted my life with the wrong person. Trust me staying together for the sake of children never works.

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NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 21/03/2018 14:52

Well, you're right that some people do seem to manage to do what you're suggesting. And I've certainly read advice in relationships columns from experts, saying "don't tell him/her", so it doesn't seem it's a mad plan.

I don't have first hand experience of this, but in general my instinct is that time is the only thing that could help you know whether this is possible is time. Can you move on from the OW? Probably, in time. Can you have a truly loving and all- committed relationship with your DW when you have this massive thing you can't tell her? I don't know. I'm not sure I could, but I know that people do.

I won't flame you. We all fuck up, and the world is not black and white (who can truly say their partner knows everything about them? Would we even want this?). My feeling is that the task ahead of you is gargantuan. Bide your time. Take one day as it comes. Look at things with fresh eyes and really focus on your DW. Then time will probably tell. Good luck.

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Myheartbelongsto · 21/03/2018 14:52

Op you're a man so mumsnet will eat you alive.

Come back and post as a woman and you'll get different replies.

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AthenasOwl · 21/03/2018 15:01

I'd say exactly the same thing if it was a man or a woman. The person who's been cheated on deserved the right to know who they're married to and to decide if they want to continue in that relationship.
Gender doesn't come into it.

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Needtomoveon1 · 21/03/2018 15:03

Thanks NameChange - yes that's basically what I'm trying to do. Take each day as it comes.

Unforgiven - I get where you're coming from and the situation you describe is the last thing I want. I don't intend to stay in a loveless marriage... but want to see if I can rekindle the love we once had. If we can't, then I know what I'll need to do. But I didn't want to leave because of an affair and whilst in "affair fog" (I've been reading about).

Asomodai - you say you were in my position once. How did it work out (if you don't mind me asking)? Any big things you learned?

Adora - It was 6 months of deceit, but it was also a mistake - meaning that I realise it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. And believe it or not I genuinely didn't sleep with her. I've no reason to deny that. I think what I did was worse than just sex, because emotions are involved.

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Needtomoveon1 · 21/03/2018 15:06

Oh, and I don't want to go into too mush detail for fear of losing my anonymity... but my wife does partly know about all this. She just doesn't know the full extent.

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yetmorecrap · 21/03/2018 15:25

I would advise you to tell OP, I have been on receiving end of something similar with my H and found out quite by chance 11 years later. I have found the fact he carried on totally as normal for all that time harder to forgive than if he had told me at the time. It is possible to rebuild but I am not sure I will ever feel quite the same. I think this will haunt you to be honest if you keep it to yourself and may well come out later. If you truly love her, then allow her the respect to decide what she wants to do, I know that’s hard, my H says he said nothing because he thought I would leave, but the fact is it’s more likely I would leave because he said nothing!!

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asomodai · 21/03/2018 15:28

Basically like yourself I was in a relationship for years but more like roommates. My head was turned for 6 months. I made plans with the OW. I backed out at the last minute, OW threatened to tell my partner. I rushed home to tell her myself (She had guessed something was happening as I had mentionitus).

I was too late, OW had told her everything, my partner then told my family and friends.

Many times I came close to telling her, but just couldnt because "I" didnt want to be the bad guy in peoples eyes. Ultimately the only time I was prepared to say something was when someone else threatened to do it for me.

I was ostracized by practically everyone. But I felt mostly sorry for my now ex. I gaslighted her, made her think she was crazy, lied to her about so many things. I have no excuse worth telling people for my actions.

I cheated on her as a symptom of how bad our relationship was. I didn't have the balls to end it because I was comfortable and treated her like a skivvy mother. I was completely self absorbed without considering her feelings.

So yes I chose not to tell her, by the time I would it was too late. I should have ended the relationship before I cheated, I should have told her as soon as I did. I chose not to out of cowardice and selfishness.

Tell your wife everything, she needs to make an informed decision, you do not clearly respect her.

We split, we have both moved on, I have had another chance of happiness undeserving that I am. I believe she in a steady relationship and has had a much wanted (for her) child. I am a much better person for going through it and realising what a shit I was. I am so very lucky to come out the other side 6 years later much happier despite not deserving it.

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KittenBeast · 21/03/2018 15:35

If you're in love with another woman, you don't love your wife much. You should probably end things with your wife.

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gamerchick · 21/03/2018 15:36

Come back and post as a woman and you'll get different replies

No he wouldn’t!

OP just an echo. You need to tell your wife and how you feel. If it’s all gone then it’s gone and she deserves the chance to find someone who wants all of her. Would you want to know if she had been wrapped up in another man? How do you know that she hasn’t?

Time to come clean.

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Liskee · 21/03/2018 15:38

Absolute bollocks. My opinion is do not tell your wife. Telling her when you’re trying to move on and work on your marriage doesn’t help a fucking bit. It only helps you deal with your guilt and helps you explain away your behaviour. It just gives her additional pain and heartache.

You need to sort yourself out. Either commit to your marriage and get on with it 100 % with no contact with OW and your infatuation, or leave and (sooner or later) find out, the grass isn’t always greener. Only tell your wife if you plan on leaving.

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Rudgie47 · 21/03/2018 15:39

If I were you wife then I would want to know, but I bet you dont tell her because you will want your cake and to still get your washing done.
Eventually I think she will find out anyway I recon. I think you'd be better off leaving her then at least you both can find someone more suitable.

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MarieG10 · 21/03/2018 15:40

If you tell your wife, accept it is also likely to be the end of your marriage I have just posted elsewhere on here that few marriages work through this deceit in he long term, just break down after years.

Why would you want to stay with her? Easier or for the children? If you felt like that over the OW then leave your marriage and have some time alone to work out your feelings. Don't move in with OW as it will likely be doomed to fail

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Trinity66 · 21/03/2018 15:41

married 5 years and you already a 6 month affair? :/

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Needtomoveon1 · 21/03/2018 15:43

Asomodai - thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're both in a good place now (despite all the pain caused). Maybe the fact that we have a child together makes it more complicated - at least in my mind.

I know that I've been completely self-absorbed and that I've shown a complete lack of respect. I don't like the person I see in the mirror and I want to change it. It's good to know that you managed to do this yourself.

So in hindsight do you just see this OW as a reflection of your own issues and your own shortcomings at the time?

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certificateofauthenticity · 21/03/2018 15:43

A one night stand may be a mistake. A six month affair is not. You were intimate but you did not have sex. (See Bill Clinton...) You are not being honest with yourself, us, and definitely not with her. I think she needs to know everything, how you feel about the OW and about her. Why? Because simply the truth will come out, sooner or later. She may forgive you now, but never if she finds out later. In virtually every book I have read about infidelity, the truth has to come out to restore trust. She can then put in place boundaries that you have to agree to. (Similar to marriage vows.... ) I am not going to flame you. You are human. But you have to fix this with her, not on your own.

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Needtomoveon1 · 21/03/2018 15:46

Trinity66 - yes I know it's not good. We've been together for a lot longer than that though. Got together when I was 19 years old

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NKFell · 21/03/2018 15:50

Definitely tell your wife the whole truth.

I would say the same if you were a woman.

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Needtomoveon1 · 21/03/2018 15:52

MarieG10 - Yes I think it would be the end if I told her. Why stay? I guess it's a combination of reasons. The fact we have a child, and are so financially co-dependent, is obviously a massive part of it. But I also see the fact she's a really good woman. She's a great mother and person - and I know I loved her once. I worry that if I throw all of it away I'll regret it in time. Lots of people talk about "grass is greener" syndrome, and maybe I worry that's what it is. I've been deeply conflicted for a while, and have decided to give my marriage a proper try. To get rid of OW and focus my efforts on my DW... at least then if it doesn't work I'll know I gave it a proper try and didn't run off at the first opportunity. It's easier said than done though and I'm struggling. Hence why I'm here for advice.

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Huntinginthedark · 21/03/2018 15:53

It entirely depends if you actually do love the ow
Lots of people stay in miserable marriages for the children, does it work? Not really
I’m not sure I could live with the guilt of not telling, it will eat away at you in the end.
Or not! Depending on your personality

And you’ve been bloody cruel to both women here. Did you ever stop to think how the ow now feels? Dumped from high heaven after being love bombed by someone who wasn’t really interested

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asomodai · 21/03/2018 15:58

OP.

I cheated because I didn't love my other half enough to not go out and seek someone else. It was easier consider coming out of a relationship having someone else to go to after. This is a very common thing for men who cheat.

If the OW is out of the picture for whatever reason then the cheater will likely go back their partner because they are scared of losing their comfortable life.

If my ex took me back, I can admit hand on heart I would have learned nothing and after a brief spell of respite, I would have gone back to the way I was before.

Her being able to make the decision to get rid of me for completely understandable reasons saved both of us from having unhappy lives. Your wife might actually take you back even though she doesn't realize it would be bad for her in the long run.

She might not yet realize that she would be unable to trust you ever again, wonder what you might be out doing, then you'll get frustrated that you cant do anything without her making (quite rightly) accusations against you.

The fact that you have a child means nothing as a child is better off being from a broken home rather then living in one.

Whilst you do not deserve a better shot of love, your other half does.

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