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Would you carry on in this relationship

(40 Posts)
Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:20:42

I met a man on OLD about three weeks ago. We’ve had three dates, the last one with him coming over to mine and staying the night, although we haven’t done more than kiss.

My dilemma is this: he is absolutely great in every way, if I described my ideal man he would be it. He is extremely kind and caring, has close relationships with his friends and family, very intelligent and funny, has a great job in a creative field that is well paid and he adores so he is happy and fulfilled in himself, not needy or unhappy or unbalanced. We share the same values and interests. He thinks I’m beautiful, fancies me and is affectionate. I really respect, like and admire him and have loads of fun when I’m with him.

But I don’t 100% fancy him. It’s so annoying! I’m not completely turned off by him so maybe this is something that could grow? Or am I fooling myself? By three dates should I know whether or not I’m ever going to fancy him? I’ve asked that we take things slowly physically which he’s fine with, so I don’t have to rush into a decision but I guess I’m asking two things: is it possible to start, and keep fancying someone you don’t fancy after three dates? And if you never fancy them is it still a wise option to carry on with the relationship if everything else is ideal? We’re both early 40s if that makes a difference.

AudTheDeepMinded Tue 20-Mar-18 21:35:08

Erm, sounds like a 'just for now partner'. What's his take on things? Are you both on the same page and wanting a LTR with someone?

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:37:08

He’s really into it and wants a relationship. We’re both looking for long term, yes.

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:38:38

I think I’m looking at it as the opposite of ‘just for now’ as he would be a great husband! Which is why I’m not ruling out a relationship with him at this point as perhaps if I really fall in love I’ll find him more physically attractive?

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:39:02

Or does that not happen?

Cricrichan Tue 20-Mar-18 21:40:51

I always have to get to know someone before I fancy them. I'm not sure I'd ever fancy someone after only three dates.

PrizeOik Tue 20-Mar-18 21:40:57

I would give him a ride before deciding.

Slowing things down physically will not get you the answer you seek.

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:42:50

Cricrichan that’s very reassuring - so it could still happen

PrizeOik grin

gamerchick Tue 20-Mar-18 21:46:19

It takes me a little while to fancy someone I want a relationship with.

Don’t write him off yet until you’ve dtd a few times. Then if the fanny gallops aren’t forthcoming it just might not be there.

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:49:12

Thank you this is making me feel better. He’s such a great match in every other way, it would be perfect (well I know nothing’s completely perfect) if I fancied him too. So there might be hope of that happening. Sounds like I need to dtd to find out though

category12 Tue 20-Mar-18 21:49:35

Eh, you've only known him 3 weeks, only been on 3 dates, how can you possibly know if he's as great as all that? He could be all those things he says he is plus a secret gambler, sex addict, abuser or gnome-fancier or anything. He could be lying through his teeth about everything.

I think you need to step back and think - he probably ain't all that. No pedestal, no "Mr Perfect except for". Just some bloke you're getting to know a bit.

If there's no spark, you can either carry on for a bit and see if one develops, shag him and see how you feel or let it go and date someone else.

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 21:52:11

Category12 you’re right, I don’t know enough to know that for sure. I guess the question could be asked hypothetically though - if someone is/has everything you want, should you have a relationship with them even if you don’t fancy them much.

SmileyBird Tue 20-Mar-18 21:55:00


category12 Tue 20-Mar-18 21:57:19

Answer to that is simple, no. Sex is important, attraction is important.

And doesn't the person you're with deserve to be really desired and to have a good and genuinely loving sex-life? Settling for them in that way is robbing them of a chance at something better.

Ryder63 Tue 20-Mar-18 21:57:43

Gnome fancier? Too far, Category12, too far.

category12 Tue 20-Mar-18 21:59:14


Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 22:01:05

Maybe it’ll come with time

Yogurtisnotpudding Tue 20-Mar-18 22:02:52

Honest to god my first thought when I met my partner after getting to know each other online first was 'could be worse'. He's not massively a looker which sounds awful but he isn't. But I fancy him. I didn't straight away but I loved his personality and intelligence and the physical attraction came pretty quickly after the first few dates and realising how much I liked him.

It wasn't lust at first sight. But the attraction definitely grew once I got to know him face to face.

Footle Tue 20-Mar-18 22:07:11

Yes it can grow.

SevenStones Tue 20-Mar-18 22:07:19

Part of me fancying someone is down to how they are as a person, not just looks, so I might know someone for a while before I even realise I like them.

PrizeOik Tue 20-Mar-18 22:09:19

I didn't fancy my current partner by the end of our third date. It felt very meh between us.

However, I was ovulating on our third date, and therefore rampant. So I thought WELL I'll just have a go, what's the harm.

Turns out the chemistry was explosive and I was absolutely mad about him, physically, from that time on. I am one of those women who buries her face in the bedclothes just to get an extra sniff of his sweat/cologne after he gets up. Just saying!

If you give him a go, OP, and it doesn't feel right then you'll know. I'd not carry on with someone with whom I didn't have obvious chemistry, life's just too short and it seems cruel. Jmo x

ALittleBitConfused1 Tue 20-Mar-18 22:16:20

I know straight away I'd I fancy someone. Sometimes I go off of them quickly as I get to know them but I always know within 10 minutes if that chemistry is there.
I have waited it out and dtd etc on the odd occasion I thought I wasn't sure, but I've learned that's just because I wanted to fancy them (because they were nice, or rich, or good looking, or just perfect for me on paper)
Evergone is different but I always know by the end of the first date if I'm feeling it or not.

Starchime Tue 20-Mar-18 22:22:13

Interesting that it’s different for different people. I’ve always been someone that either fancies someone straight away or never, but I want to fancy him so much that I’m not ruling it out, he is (or seems) so great

ShaunDeavour Sun 25-Mar-18 22:40:18


I was lurking on your thread when you posted it as I’m in a sort of similar position.

Did you meet up with him again? Any progress?

Starchime22 Mon 26-Mar-18 10:33:14

Hi Shaun, I’d namechanged and now I can’t change back! But I’m the OP. So yeah I’ve seen him again since, and I had a few drinks and thought I’d give it a go... we didn’t have sex but did other stuff and I quite enjoyed it, and although I wouldn’t say I madly fancy him yet, it’s definitely more there than it was. I’m just going to keep seeing him and see what happens I think!

Have you done anything with the person you’re seeing?

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