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Odd behaviour from my partner

(179 Posts)
namechange1993 Tue 20-Mar-18 19:26:08

Hello,

This is my first post on here. It's a quite a long one about my partners behaviour. I don't think it's right but need some advice.

I started seeing a guy last year who is 11 years older than me. He had been single for 3 years prior to meeting me but married for ten to his ex wife who he is now divorced from.

We started taking things slowly last year and were still very much in dating stages of a relationship. I work in a shop (a chandlery) and have worked there for a few years now which is how we met. As I pretty much work on a marina/boat yard I know many of the regulars who come in and have become friends with some over the years.

One guy, who I regard as a friend who comes in invited me to a bbq last year in the boat yard itself. Not just me, there was a few people there from the marina and a good mix of ages - say mid twenties up to people in their 60s. Pretty much all of them I know from my job. I thought it was a good idea and happily went along after work. We had the bbq then were there for ages listening to music and chatting random stuff, just socialising.
I get a text from my partner (we were only just at dating stage at this point) asking how I was. I told him 'fine, just in the boat having a bbq with x, y and z plus some others'. Then I get a text back straight away saying 'are you taking the piss out of me?'. At this point I didn't have a clue what he was talking about so I called him and he kicked off because apparently the guy who asked me to go fancies me hmm this is according to my partner anyway. I spent all of the following day apologising to my partner for going and was made to feel like shit for it! I should have left then but stupidly I stayed with him. He behaviour left me gobsmacked.

He works weekends and I was invited to a wedding. I put the offer there to him if he wanted to come but I knew he had to work. He was ok with me going by myself as was I. It was a long time friends getting married who I hadn't seen since I was about 18. I went and there were friends there I hadn't see for a long time. One of the guys in the group got drunk at the reception and he was talking to me. At one point in the night he came up behind me and put his hands around my waist as we were dancing but he only did it to tickle me, not to be a perv or anything. I laughed when he did it and another friend managed to take a picture of the precise moment. It was a really good night. I got home and spoke to my partner about it the next day, told him how it was. He seemed fine. Eventually pictures of the wedding reception ended up on FB and my partner saw them. He saw the one of my friend tickling me and me laughing and he went mad! He didn't even ask me what happened so I could explain it was all in jest. He came out with 'who the fuck is that dickhead, I'd knock him out' straight off the bat. I explained who he was and what was happening but he kept saying 'I couldn't give a fuck, he's a prick!'. He gets so angry easily, there's no inbetween.

Another thing, an old friend (different one) messaged me on fb to see if I wanted to catch up as he was working in my town. He was going out with his work mates (male and female) and invited me to tag along. He has a fiancée. Anyway I agreed and invited my partner to come too. Again he was working so couldn't come and he didn't have a problem with me going. I met up with my friend and some of his colleagues for drinks. Most of them went home after a while so in the end there was four of us: me, my friend, one male colleague, one female colleague. I was driving so drank cokes all night. We decided to get something to eat at an Italian. Afterwards we went to a bar. Just after 10pm I decided to call it a night and go home.

I got home, partner was at work still so I sent a courtesy text to let him know I was back. He said 'ok, have you just got back now?', I said 'yeah we went for a meal and then a bar'. He replied with 'are you taking the piss out of me??' (Again!!). I said 'no', he followed it up with a bombardment of texts about how I was a 'slag' and a 'fucking slut' etc and that I should have gone for a drink and come home right away. I explained friend is engaged, I spent my evening talking to his female friend but none of this mattered.

The thing that bothers me most is how angry he gets. There's almost like a 'coldness' behind his eyes when he flips. I can't explain it well. There's other things he's done too but I've probably gone on enough now. We end up rowing all the time but I always end up saying sorry and even then he doesn't accept my apologies and he gives me the silent treatment long after he's raged. He's given me the silent treatment for two days before now.

I've come to my sisters for a couple of days and have told her what's been happening. She's shocked as she never knew. She thinks I should leave him as he'll only get worse.

I haven't had many relationships before so I'd like any advice. Is this normal?

Sorry is so long and thanks

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 20-Mar-18 19:29:56

Not normal. Your sister is right. Run for the hills.

GrumpyInsomniac Tue 20-Mar-18 19:30:09

This is absolutely not normal. Your sister is right. Just get clear of this man, because he's not going to improve.

NewStartNow Tue 20-Mar-18 19:31:02

Definitely not normal. Red flags waving all over the place.
Time to bin him I'm afraid.

Jon66 Tue 20-Mar-18 19:33:44

It will only get worse to the point of contact with friends being impossible. Time to move on.

Medwaymumoffour Tue 20-Mar-18 19:35:11

In 26 years of being in relationship my dh has never called me a slag. That alone would make me run for the hills. Your not married, you have no kids. Find someone better for yourself. I can’t belive men act like this! I honestly don’t know one woman irl who put up with such a dick.

Ryder63 Tue 20-Mar-18 19:36:48

RUN. He is displaying classic textbook controlling behaviour. This will only escalate.

sportyfool Tue 20-Mar-18 19:37:09

I had a boyfriend like this when I was about 20. He went nuts if I spoke to another man. It's insecurity and I binned him. I couldn't live like that even though I really liked him 😩😩

lanbro Tue 20-Mar-18 19:37:18

Not even close to normal, end it now, it will only escalate

TheBrilliantMistake Tue 20-Mar-18 19:37:37

Really not normal. Not unusual (because many men can be very possessive), but not normal.

Basically, he is interpreting other men as a threat, and there's an implication that he thinks you'll be tempted (or have been tempted).

Do you know the circumstances of his divorce? - if his ex cheated on him, it might in some part explain his behaviour (worried you'll cheat too), but he can't punish you for the sins of his ex (if indeed that was the case).

Discuss it with him and see if he can explain his insecurity - you might learn a few things about his feelings and thought processes, but he needs to know it cannot continue. You can't have a relationship where one partner is constantly worried about the other being in contact with the opposite sex. It'll drive him (and you) insane in the end.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 20-Mar-18 19:38:25

Not normal. Bin.

You know what else is not normal? You apologising to him when he has been a total dick to you. In all of these situations it should have been you giving him the silent treatment until he apologised to you. Nah though, it should have been you dumping him the first time.

IAmWonkoTheSane Tue 20-Mar-18 19:39:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ryder63 Tue 20-Mar-18 19:41:04

Basically, he is interpreting other men as a threat

Basically, he's a controlling arse and OP doesn't need to discuss this with him. OP should bin. Now.

Iflyaway Tue 20-Mar-18 19:42:21

Oh, god, girl, you even need to ask??!

Run as fast as you can, and block him from all communication.

Think of it as a lucky escape!

Toomanyweeds Tue 20-Mar-18 19:43:38

Really not normal or OK.

AngelsSins Tue 20-Mar-18 19:44:22

What do you feel you've done wrong exactly, because you seem to be apologising to him a lot and I have no idea why. Ok, that's a lie, I do know why, because he's conditioning you to. He's a pathetic, controlling, weak little man who sees you as his property. Your sister is absolutely right.

My first relationship was with a guy like this, and no, it doesn't get better. He slit his wrists (superficially) one night when I stayed for a lock in with the other staff at my new job. Then he would chuck all my stuff into the street if I ever wanted a night out, he spat in my face when he found a very mundain text on my phone from my male cousin. It got to the point where I was scared to even mention a man, for example I started a new job and was being trained by a guy, I lied and said he was a women.

The problem is, his ego is pathetically fragile, but if you try to censor yourself to please him, that will stroke his ego and he'll get a thrill from controlling you. If you don't change and tell him to get a grip, that fragile ego will be hurt and he'll go to bigger lengths to control you. Ultimately, it's not even about you, which is why you can't fix it.

Prestonsflowers Tue 20-Mar-18 19:44:51

This really isn’t normal behaviour. As the others posters say, run, leave now, it will only get worse
You can’t change his attitude and behaviour, you can only change yours

Fairenuff Tue 20-Mar-18 19:45:43

Not normal. End the relationship.

But be careful. He sounds like he could be violent.

Maybe meet in a public place to tell him.

Mary1935 Tue 20-Mar-18 19:46:24

Hi OP you really do need to leave this man. He's jealous and insecure and is restricting YOUR life. These events you have been too are normal celebrations and part of life. It will only get worse - it WILL only get worse!! He's trying to control you. Contact women's Aid if you want some independent advice - He wants you to have no one in your life but HIM - he's no prize is he. Would you treat anyone the way he's treated you. That's not love - he's a bully. Is he sleeping around do you think and projecting his own crap onto you.
Don't get tied down with him and up your contraception.
Listen to your sister - she loves you and wants the best for you.
Have you met any of his friends or does he have ex girlfriends he's in contact with? I'm just curious what others think about him?
Look after yourself and call women's aid for advice as if you do end it with him he may not take it well.

Josuk Tue 20-Mar-18 19:53:05

OP - NOT normal. He’ll make your life hellish and unbearable.
Leave!!!

Bananalanacake Tue 20-Mar-18 19:53:30

I'm hoping you don't live with him so it's much easier to tell him to find some one else to boss around.

MrsMozart Tue 20-Mar-18 19:57:17

Not in the slightest bit normal! Get out now lass.

wishingitwasfriday Tue 20-Mar-18 19:57:54

Get rid ASAP. Please do not stay with this man, it will get worse.

PrettyLittIeThing Tue 20-Mar-18 20:01:55

Are you very young? Sorry only asking as I'm surprised you have to ask if this is normal. You have no kids with him. Leave.

SandAndSea Tue 20-Mar-18 20:05:21

100% not normal. It will most likely get worse the longer you stay with him. Please end it with him asap. Do this safely, either from a distance or with someone else with you.

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