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Am I expecting too much wanting/ needing emotional support from my mum?

(17 Posts)
rickandmorts Tue 20-Mar-18 18:21:33

Hi everyone I need opinions. I'm 24 and live on my own and I'm really struggling. I'm on anti anxiety medication and on the waiting list for counselling. I'm also depressed but don't want to take antidepressants. I just feel like I'm struggling to keep a lid on everything and pretty soon I'll blow.

My dad may as well not exist, multiple suicide attempts and heavy drugs have turned him into a robot and I try text him, see if he needs anything bringing round but most times he doesn't reply.

I feel so trapped in my hometown but realistically can never move away as my mum relies heavily on me for emotional support. She had cancer last year and I'm all she has so I took her to appts, stayed with her after her surgeries etc (I'm not complaining at all, just setting the scene).

My gran also got cancer so I had to do her hospital appts etc too as my mum was too poorly.

I hate my job and this is a large cause of stress but can't leave til October 2019 due to some training I'm on.

I had an abortion last year that I'm struggling to deal with.

Whenever I book a holiday/ go away for a weekend I'm guilt tripped relentlessly because my mum's anxiety doesn't want me to go. I'm sad all the time and feel so pent up here. I've broke down and cried twice in front of her, that horrible crying where you can't catch your breath and said I was fed up of everything and all she kept saying was 'I thought you liked your life'.

I just feel so alone and like I'm getting no emotional support from my mum, I said tonight I feel so trapped here and like I can't leave and she said 'have you had a shit day at work or something, you're being vile'. I just feel like I have to be the strong one for everyone and I get home every night and cry in the car on the way home from work.

Am I expecting too much from my mum? I don't feel like I'm getting any emotional support but I could be wrong? Sorry this is so wrong I just can't see a way out at the moment.

ChickenMom Wed 21-Mar-18 00:14:37

Bumping for you and sending a hug x

ADarkandStormyKnight Wed 21-Mar-18 00:28:50

It sounds like all of you are having a really hard time but you are taking the brunt of it with so many people relying on you.

Would your mum/dad be eligible for any kind of support? Do either of them worknow? Are they still together?

trackrBird Wed 21-Mar-18 01:46:30

I’m so sorry rick. A heck of a lot is being asked of you, and not much is being put back.

I’m not at all surprised that you’re crying in the car.

Has your mum always been unsupportive? She doesn’t seem to have any clue how much it is taking out of you to support her, and your gran, or how badly you need a break. Caring, even on an ad hoc basis, can be very draining, more so if you have any health problems yourself.

Don’t dismiss ADs unless you’re very sure you don’t want to risk it - they may help you feel better, think more clearly, and see some other options. Your stress levels are very high and you cannot sustain that forever, your body won’t let you.

Do you have any friends or relatives you could confide in?

Ariesgirl1988 Wed 21-Mar-18 01:58:27

I'm so sorry I know its hard to cope with everyone being reliant on you. Are there no other family member that could help take some of the pressure off you? I think your mum is too wrapped up in her own problems to see you're struggling and that maybe she just doesn't understand so uses other stuff as the reason. I know you say you don't want to take anti depressants but they may help you at least in the short term whilst you wait for counselling, the anxiety and breaking down crying is your body's way of telling you that it can't handle no more stress and anti depressants won't make you happy exactly but they do balance out your moods. Also could you not contact macmillian cancer trust and see if your mother is eligible to have a carer to help take some of the pressure off you?

Starface Wed 21-Mar-18 02:09:56

It sounds from what you've posted that you aren't getting the support your need. these feelings that you are close to breaking point are warning signs that you are getting burnt out. Self-care is a huge priority right now - you can't support anyone if you fall apart. Others might not understand it, and even say guilt inducing things about it, but you need to find the strength to prioritise yourself and value your own needs, because you are important. Listen to your body. Listen to your self. Listen to your tears. It is hard when you have always been taught to put your own needs to one side, but you have to. It's actually the most responsible thing you can do, no matter what others say.

OnTheRise Wed 21-Mar-18 08:22:55

You're not trapped in your home town: you're being bullied and guilt-tripped by your mother, who is an emotional leech.

Think carefully about what you want to do. Then do it. Your mother isn't going to like it if you move away, but she is being horrible to you already. Why stay and put up with her abuse when you can leave and get away from it?

You're anxious and depressed because you're being insulted and abused. It will be hard, but if you get away from your mother's rudeness and bullying you're likely to start feeling a lot better.

rickandmorts Wed 21-Mar-18 08:51:16

Hi thanks for your replies. My mum and Dad aren't together but she still sees him as he lives on his own and can't cope. He applied for DLA/ PIP (can't remember which) and it was rejected so this is another worry for me that when the small amount of money he had from selling a house runs out I will be responsible for paying his rent. He doesn't have a pension. My mum retired last year so doesn't work.

I feel awful bitching about my mum like this because she's been so supportive in other ways, when I got my first house she helped me decorate etc, if I need her to wait in for a parcel at mine she will. So practically she is supportive but emotionally I don't get anything, I tell her things and chat to her but she either doesn't listen or forgets what I've said to her and I feel invisible.

I'm worried about ADs because my dad has been on them my whole life and I've seen what a mess he is. Also I believe I'm depressed from my circumstances.

And I talk to my friends and they say they care etc but they all have their own exciting lives, moving away, going travelling etc. And they say they understand but they don't, I'd do anything to have two supportive healthy parents like they do sad.

I also talk to my brother but he lives abroad. I said yesterday I feel trapped here and he was like 'well it's not really fair for you to leave Mum if you move away' and I'm starting to feel resentful that he got away. He lives in Berlin and has an amazing time and I'm in this shithole town that I grew up in and everyone knows everyone else's business, it's stifling.

With regards to getting a carer in, my mum's fine now. She had a double mastectomy and is doing okay now. That's the thing I had to cope with all that last year and was so worried she was going to die, I had the abortion because I accidentally got pregnant during all of this and was so poorly being sick myself that I thought I was doing the right thing. And now my mum is better and I need the help now I just feel like I don't matter. I always expected my dad to be emotionally shit because he's been ill my whole life but for my mum to be like this, it's hard.

ADarkandStormyKnight Wed 21-Mar-18 09:14:03

You don't have to pay your dad's rent. Just no. If you want to help, look into his benefits with him.

As for your brother. He's doing a number on you! Do you generally get on ok? There are definitely ways he could help. Berlin isn't so far away - he could come over for a couple of weeks while you have a holiday, or for a long weekend every couple of months to give you some respite. Perhaps he could pay for a cleaner for your mum? Does he call her regularly? Does he stay in touch with his dad?

And finally your mum... as she's retired there should be groups and things she can join.

ADarkandStormyKnight Wed 21-Mar-18 09:18:38

Sorry this feels like its just more things for you to do.

Actually what I really want to say to you is go and have a holiday and don't seek anyone's approval for it. You deserve it.

rickandmorts Wed 21-Mar-18 09:25:30

I'm so worried about what will happen when my dad runs out of money though because he literally has no one else.

I get on well with my brother but it's always been accepted that he's the adventurous one that lives abroad and I'm the homebird that enjoys staying here but I don't enjoy it! I could talk to him about respite. He calls my mum regularly and texts my dad but my dad rarely replies. He rarely replies to me either then tells my mum I hate him, I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him and sad we don't have any kind of relationship.

And I did have a holiday really recently, about a month ago I went to Tenerife for a few nights with my friend. It was awful, I got so guilt tripped into going before by my mum. My anxiety was sky high on the way there and then drinking every night just made it worse. I just wanted to come home. But when I do come home I feel shit here too! I'm fed up.

ADarkandStormyKnight Wed 21-Mar-18 09:33:13

I know it's hard to see it when you are close to it but you really mustn't throw your life away to take care of your parents. You are 24 - presumably your parents are still relatively young and this could go on for another 30/40 years.

Deep down your parents don't want you to ruin your life looking after them.

Time for a summit meeting with your brother? Ask him to come over as a matter of urgency. You are at the end of your tether.

Ariesgirl1988 Wed 21-Mar-18 09:43:30

No offence but your brother sounds selfish and has a bloody cheek! he says you can't leave mum alone but oh it's ok for him to swan off to Berlin!?!?! its not the other side of the world surely he could come home for a couple of weeks so you could go off and have a break? I don't blame you for feeling resentful of him next time he makes a remark like that say it to him that he left he has no right to tell you that you can't! hmm and your mum shouldn't be making you feel guilty for going on holiday! you're not her keeper she's the parent not you if she's lonely well she should look up some local classes or activities to meet people! regarding your dad well you are not responsible for paying his rent or bills he is a grown man and the fact he ignore's you says it all really I wouldn't bother myself. As for anti depressants well the reason they probably haven't worked for your dad is the drugs he puts down himself. They can work and the doctor can put you on a light dose to start with and see how you go but they do help.

ravenmum Wed 21-Mar-18 09:46:37

The anti-depressants are surely not the cause of your dad's problems, but the result of them?

I can understand you feeling responsible for your mum, but maybe you are going to have to just take your brother's lead and do what you want. Is there anyone else around for your mum / a carer / taxi service? What does she do to manage her own life? How old is she, how mobile?

My daughter will be 21 this year and I'd be so guilty if I thought that she was having to give up on anything she wanted for my sake.
"I thought you liked your life" - I'd translate that as "I want to convince myself that you are happy to do this stuff for me". Your mum is resistent to the idea of you being unhappy because in her ideal world, you love being there and are going to stay.

OnTheRise Wed 21-Mar-18 10:35:16

I have a child about your age, OP. I pay their rent. I pay their living expenses (they're at uni so can't earn a full time wage). I'm glad that I can do this for them. I would never expect them to pay my rent. You are not responsible for paying your father's rent, or for helping your mother out.

You deserve a lovely life of your own.

Your brother is a tosser, guilting you into remaining with your parents when he's swanned off to Berlin.

Live your own life. Let them live theirs.

And don't dismiss anti depressants. They can save lives. They might well give you the emotional support you need to get away from this abusive cycle you're stuck in.

GretaBritain Wed 21-Mar-18 10:36:25

You are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. I too would be stressed and anxious if I thought my future was to have the sole responsibility for the care and support of my parents. Soory but life would feel bleak.

You deserve your own life and it is unfair of your family if your family not to see this. Consider counselling..this could help you figure out how to cope better with your anxieties and work out what YOU would like for YOUR future. It is up to you to make sure you do the things you want to do.

You may never get the emotional support you need from either parent. You have to accept that. Therefore you have to learn how to give yourself that support.

You sound very close to your Mum which is lovely but there still needs to be a boundary there. Its sounds as though all these emotions are building up inside you and if you keep suppressing them it will lead to more anxiety and more depression.

Turn it around. If you had a daughter would you want her to feel as you do? You have a right to follow your own wishes nd dreams. It isn't selfish.

You sound like you are at breaking point. What would hapoen if you 'broke'? What would your family do then? It is better to give less of yourself than nothing at all!

You sound like a lovely person. Please don't lose yourself in the needs of your mum.

Wishing you strength xx

ravenmum Wed 21-Mar-18 10:52:07

I moved abroad at your age and still live abroad. It's not all excitement and fun - tbh it's just normal life in another place; it just looks different and thus interesting to people who haven't moved. Luckily I have siblings who could take care of my parents if necessary, but I absolutely don't expect them to do so, and would be prepared to come over to the UK if I had to. I certainly wouldn't guilt-trip my siblings if they decided to do the same as me, and neither would my parents as they are also mature adults who take responsibility for their own lives as much as possible.

At your age, or slightly younger, I went on a course to be a TEFL teacher and found myself a job abroad, arriving here with enough money to pay for dirt cheap accomodation until my first pay came through. You could do the same thing, should you so choose. Hand in your notice, stuff the training. Or do you have an actual career, unlike me back then? smile

If your brother says anything, accuse him of sexism if he really thinks it is your job as the female to stay at home and be a carer. Why on earth should it not be his job? Another person engaged in some serious wishful thinking.

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