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Husbands/partners working away - experiences?

10 replies

Echobelly · 20/03/2018 14:07

DH is a contractor and he’s been offered a new contract after a couple of fallow months. He was tempted to see if he could have a last-ditch go for one that paid much more but involved being in a different city three nights a week, so he asked me and I said I’d rather he didn’t go for it. There were other contracts similar to this that he did apply for when there was nothing else in sight, but none of those went to interviews. I was prepared to accept it under those circumstances, but I’m not so keen as he has something more local in the bag. I do worry about the possibility of him taking one in future as it may be necessary at some point. It’s not the not being around I mind so much, as we have an au pair and I can manage the domestic side – more the being around, IYSWIM.

We both have experience of our dads working away from home and things being tense when they were back. I have experience from a period when I had a couple of commitments after work each week and DH was going to the gym a lot in the evening and he seemed to be in a bad mood more often during the period, so I wondered it was maybe connected to being a bit like ships passing in the night. I’m concerned working away would be like that but more so and whether he might be exhausted and just not want to do anything at the weekend.

What have other people’s experience been of partners working away? Any tips for making it work? Don’t think it’ll happen this time, but it might have to be a consideration another time for us.

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hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2018 14:47

My ExH worked away for around a year.
Left early on a Monday and was back late on a Thursday.
I'd recently had our DD.
I loved it.
Worked perfectly me as I like my own space and could do I wanted with my DD without interference.
Then we have lovely family weekends.
If it had been longer than a year I might not have been so impressed.

My DDad used to work away as well and it had no impact on us at all other than giving him huge hugs and kisses when he came home.
He was always massively hands on with us but we were busy kids so it worked fine.
We used to love the presents we got as well!

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Echobelly · 20/03/2018 15:07

Thanks, hbm (if I may call you hbm ;) ) I'd be pretty happy with the doing my own thing bit, but I fear weekends could get a bit pressurised. Three nights away seems to be a common thing. I've said 2 nights a week or one week a month for 6-12 months might be OK, but I'm slightly unsure about more than that.

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offside · 20/03/2018 15:23

I think it’s quite normal now for one parent to work away. I think so long as you make the most of your time together and communicate regularly and effectively, there shouldn’t be really any issues.

You say your DH was moody when you last went through a period of being ships in the night but it seems you are assuming that that was the cause of his moods. Did you talk to him about it at the time? If you don’t communicate effectively, whether he’s at home all the time or working away, you will have problems in your relationship.

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TheNaze73 · 20/03/2018 17:59

I used to love it when my ex worked away. It can work

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Echobelly · 20/03/2018 18:26

Yeah, I think I might well like having the freedoms of the evenings on my own, although a weeknight commitment I have would use up our weeknight slot of babysitting from the au pair, which is a bit of a limiting factor.

No, I never spoke to him about the moodiness - he was rather explosive at the time and didn't want to raise it. Looking back on it, I'm not sure what the issue was. Possibly that his job wasn't going well at the time. I think yes, I would need to work on communicating better if he worked away.

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Namelesswonder · 20/03/2018 18:34

DH worked away 3 nights a week for a year. It was fine, you just adjust routines to take account of it. I liked having a bit of space, got used to watching my choice of tv etc! Took a bit of readjusting when he stopped it.

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HeedMove · 20/03/2018 18:39

My husbands in a similar role and is away just now since Sunday at 1pm till Thursday afternoon. I like it occasionally but wouldn’t like it every week especially if he was out drinking at nights and socialising spending too much cash whilst I’m bogged down with the kids, but I don’t have an au pair.

He worked away up until last year for between 2-7 weeks at a time. That was hard, seven weeks was horrible. So three days if he wasn’t out living the life of riley in the evenings would be fine if he wasn’t ripping the piss spending a fortune in the evenings.

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luanmapo · 20/03/2018 19:59

My husband is a contractor and he too works away Monday to Friday. It works well for us tbh. We have 4 children and I am a SAHM.

We really enjoy our family time at the weekends and try to ensure it's just the 6 of us, with no extended family or children's friends over.

He goes out with work colleagues during the week and this doesn't bother me as it's his way of letting off steam and having a social life with other contractors, so as not to feel couped up in a hotel room all week.

We also ensure as a couple, that we go out of a Saturday evening every other weekend. This keeps our relationship romantic and gives us togetherness also.

We have been together 11years and all apart from 1 year has been with him working away. That 1 year took some adjusting as we were both used to our own space.

Sometimes it can be hard without having another parent here to help deal with situations. Especially with 2 teenagers, it can get very pressing. But we FaceTime every evening too so we keep the communication lines open.

I think that's the key factor here, communication and also only you know what would work best in your family.

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louise5754 · 20/03/2018 20:09

My husband goes away every Sunday while Friday night. Often he's away 2/3 weeks at a time Sometimes he's away away months. I don't mind it all the time but I do wish he was home more. It's been our life for near 12 years now though 😞

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Echobelly · 23/03/2018 12:05

Thanks - looks like I may have to think about this sooner... he's about to be offered a permanent role with a consultancy, which he's going to take over the contract as he's a bit sick and tired of the freelance rollercoaster.

The likelihood is he will have some projects where has has to be in other parts of the UK for periods - he realised after a few interviews with contractors not to ask about how much work outside London, as they just won't take you on if you are too concerned about that!