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Boyfriend withdrawing from me

(11 Posts)
Datingdoris Tue 20-Mar-18 01:44:06

Hi all,
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and it has been going well except I have been feeling a bit needy and insecure and get the feeling I don't give him enough space sometimes . In an effort to combat this I bought Why Men Love Bitches and decided to follow the advice in there but it has resulted in my boyfriend completely withdrawing.
Should I just go back to being myself, are these books really a load of rubbish?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Tue 20-Mar-18 01:54:45

So everything was fine, you decided to be a bitch to him, and he isn’t very interested in you now?

I’m amazed you need to ask for advice. Do you like to be around people who treat you badly? Well men don’t either.

Of course these books are nonsense. They don’t care about you; they want to make money.

If you feel you need to change your personality to keep a man one of two things is wrong:

1 - you are with the wrong person;

2 - you have serious self-esteem issues and should figure out why that is and fix it before you date anyone else.

It may be all of the above.

Take away is: don’t be a bitch and expect people to like you. Use some common sense.

Datingdoris Tue 20-Mar-18 02:06:09

Hi, thanks for your reply. Just to be clear, all I did was reduce contact, so I became less chatty as I thought that was what he wanted.
You are correct, I do have incredibly low self esteem and I do struggle to know how to behave in relationships, it doesn't really come naturally to me to know what to do or what is 'normal'.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Tue 20-Mar-18 02:14:58

Someone you feel comfortable with is normal. A friend. If he doesn’t make you feel wanted and liked then look elsewhere. What did he do to make you think he wanted space?

FlyingMonkeys Tue 20-Mar-18 02:18:50

Yes go back to being you. He obviously liked you the way you were. If you distanced yourself, he probably thinks you lost interest. Why did you feel you were needy? There's nothing wrong with taking an active interest in a partner (obviously not calling/texting every other minute).

Datingdoris Tue 20-Mar-18 02:21:40

He has told me previously he needs a bit more space from me but hasn't actually said it for a while now. I can be incredibly intense (I have asd) so it isn't really a regular situation as I realise I don't behave 'normally' but adapting my behaviour is very difficult as I don't seem to understand how to balance it.
My last relationship ended because he felt suffocated by me and I don't want that to happen again but I just seem to be messing things up because I read people wrong

Datingdoris Tue 20-Mar-18 02:23:48

The problem is I do have a tendency to text way too much! When I try to reduce it I think I go too far the other way and appear completely disinterested

FlyingMonkeys Tue 20-Mar-18 02:37:49

Rule of thumb - conversation is a two way street. If he's offering open ended questions he's wanting to continue chatting. If you're sending 2 messages in response to his one, then it's going to be a bit overwhelming. However if he's sending texts and waiting 12hrs for a reply. Then yes he's probably thinking you aren't even interested.

If you find gauging text conversations difficult then just explain it to him? Could you not just say you're happier having a one off conversation during the day and catching up then vs texting?

Arapaima Tue 20-Mar-18 02:57:45

I agree - take your cue from him. When you text him, how long does it typically take him to reply? Aim to match him (on average. No need to get the stop watch out!). And throw away that book.

Datingdoris Tue 20-Mar-18 06:46:22

Thank you so much for all the advice.
He will text back straight away unless he is busy doing something. I think another issue I have is not knowing when to stop a text conversation, so when it has started I would just keep going all dayblush
I'm also a very loving, affectionate person and I tend to express it freely even through text, I am wondering if I should stop that?

LesisMiserable Tue 20-Mar-18 15:12:47

I actually rate that book. For those who haven't read it (which will be most people commenting negatively) its NOT about being a bitch ie nasty. Its actually about being nice but not a doormat, its about having self confidence and knowing your worth.

I think it's a handy tool but maybe not helpful if you're really quite intense in the first place as the transition will seem drastic to another person and probably confuse them completely.

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