Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating feels exhausting! Or maybe I have watched too many Disney films.....

(50 Posts)
Bubblesandcake Mon 19-Mar-18 18:32:27

Met a guy just before Christmas. First date lovely? 2nd date flowers....3rd date he cooked and told me to relax. 4th date I cooked and we have had a few more dates since (mainly at his) which brings me here....
He has a few issues at work and also with his ex regarding contact (none of my business as its only been a couple of months of dating). I am all for supporting your partner through bad/tough times but it seems to be topic of conversation on every date (his house), and it is mentioned most days via text/conversation. Obviously not the whole conversation but it's mentioned.
I am a student nurse in my final year and aswell as working and looking after my 2 dc's (with NO support from their father), I'm exhausted and very very poor most of the time. One comment was 'I'm used to dating rich women' another being 'why don't you work more if money is tight'. Apparently this is all banter. Nobody gets his sense of humour. He honestly does say lovely things too.....
Date before last, I picked him up from a friend's 45 mins away then back to his a further 20 mins. Stopped at the shop and bought my own wine. Made to watch a documentary on a sat night. Which is absolutely fine, but not my thing. The last date I cooked, bought the wine, washed the dishes, made breakfast in bed, washed up. Rubbed his feet (he asked), went off to work and he went to watch the rugby all day with friends.
Anyway....Im completely at a point where he has pushed my boundaries. He said at the beginning, you work so hard, I don't know how you do it, you need looking after. Tgere are other things he says which makes me question things...
The point is....I don't feel looked after. Am I expecting too much? I don't even know what to expect, I have been single so long.
I have had no desire to see him since sat or even speak to him. He has text me today to say 'when can I see you?' I felt exhausted just reading that. I just thought dating someone would feel special and I would use that time to get away from the stresses of life in general.

underthebluemoon Mon 19-Mar-18 18:37:09

It's run its course and he's not right for you. Listen to your gut feeling. Have a break and date someone else.

IronNeonClasp Mon 19-Mar-18 18:39:14

You know the answer Bubbles. Bin and move on. You are worth so much more and your time is so much more precious than his... I was going out with someone like this - it was a tough call be he was self absorbed with him and his time...

Minus1 Mon 19-Mar-18 18:43:14

Omg I would hate that. Don’t see what you are getting out of that at all. What’s with all the cooking and foot rubs? Why aren’t you going out enjoying things together?

Bubblesandcake Mon 19-Mar-18 18:56:03

I am not really getting that much as of recently. He has text to say 'when can I see you'. That message fills me with anxiety and stress. I want him to say ' get a sitter Thursday or whenever, I'm taking you out or even 'I'm cooking for you'.....arrive to a bubble bath and candles haha....too much? Maybe I am expecting too much. I don't mind cooking sometimes as it's lovely to do lovely things for someone you care about but it would be nice to feel cared about too.

Claudia90 Mon 19-Mar-18 19:06:49

Never think that you are expecting too much. My two previous relationships: one emotional abusive, the next sent a picture of his dick to his step sister! I for one will never settle again for anything less than my expectations of perfect. Life it too short.

You are a nursing student with two children. The course is extremely difficult with placements, assignments ect along side normal home life. You only deserve the very best in life, don't settle for anything less flowers Do what you enjoy!

Ryder63 Mon 19-Mar-18 19:09:14

This is appalling. Can't you see that he's having a cushy time of it while you're doing all the running about and grunt work? 'Dates' shouldn't involve housework!

BarneyBarnacle Mon 19-Mar-18 19:29:24

I had similar but not as bad recently.
Date 1 was nice. Date 2 I got flowers. Dates 3,4,5 etc all equally pleasant. Sometime around date 7 he offered to cook. Lovely I thought! I haven’t been cooked for in years! He text that day to say he was stuck late at work so would I mind cooking instead and he’d cook next time. Oh well that’s shame but these things happen so I said yes sure. He did indeed cook the next time..... but in the next 2 months we dated he never cooked again. I’m not even sure how it got to this stage but one day I just got a text from him saying what’s for dinner tonight? Then I suddenly thought, how have I got into this, buying all the food and wine, cooking it, cleaning up (he never offered to buy anything or help wash up), etc etc
Anyway, we are no longer dating after I woke up from that!

keepingbees Mon 19-Mar-18 19:37:09

If it doesn't feel special now it never will. This is the time it should be fun, exciting and romantic, not you running round like his personal skivvy.
Your feelings towards him asking to see you is your gut telling you... get out now.

olgivywife Mon 19-Mar-18 20:22:21

"I'm used to dating rich women"
"Why don't you work more"

Those two comments alone would make me dump him in a flash.

You are a nurse and are quite frankly busting your ass. "Banter" meaning "how can I push your boundaries under the guise of joking?"

Get rid of the self absorbed asshole. He doesn't deserve you at all. You don't feel cared for because you simply aren't x

TeachesOfPeaches Mon 19-Mar-18 20:36:18

I think your mistake is having 'dates' in his house.

Bubblesandcake Mon 19-Mar-18 20:43:19

Thanks all for your messages. I can't afford to go out so his house was the only option. Maybe I should date when I can afford it. I don't mind going to his, being cooked for, watching a film. I just feel like it's me suggesting and me running around. It shouldn't have to include spending money, I don't expect that. It's the little gestures isn't it?

ConorMcGregorsChin Mon 19-Mar-18 20:46:54

Have you previously 'settled for less'?
I ask because you may be caught in some sort of cycle.
But Yes, dating these days can be very exhausting. Have you read the long running dating thread on here? Some good pointers to be had there. Although I must admit I see people going round in circles putting up with the same old behaviours over and over again (And that included me for a long time)
If you aren't happy, take some time out and be kind to yourself.

Bubblesandcake Mon 19-Mar-18 20:50:46

I look around me, looking at friends husbands, friends dating and think, he isn't that bad. Then I think I have been single so long (6 years) maybe I'm expecting too much. So, to me it's all pretty new.

Ryder63 Mon 19-Mar-18 20:52:05

He should be taking you out to thank you for all the running about you do. Honestly, he is having a very easy time with you doing all the work both physically AND mentally on the relationship. I hope you end it, and when you're ready, find someone a lot less lazy and selfish flowers

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Mon 19-Mar-18 20:54:28

I've been seeing someone for about the same time. Dates are mainly at one or other of our houses, or out for a walk somewhere. I have very little spare cash and he knows that, but you don't need to go out and spend money to feel wanted and appreciated. Neither of us would text "when can I see you?" It's more like "I've found this film I want to see, are you free on X night?" Or, "Have you been to such and such a place? Shall we go together?"

Bin him and move on.

Bubblesandcake Mon 19-Mar-18 20:58:35

Thankyou all 😊 a simple text like ' I'm cooking, let's watch a film' would be lovely. Also, a conversation that doesn't involve his issues for one night would be great too.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Mon 19-Mar-18 21:00:47

After three months you shouldn't be thinking "he could be worse."

I thought I was going to be single forever. It took a pretty amazing guy to make me start dating. If he turned out to be hum drum after three months, I would happily go back to being single.

Listen to your feelings. They are screaming at you not to waste any more time with him.

Ryder63 Mon 19-Mar-18 21:04:20

So one sided, OP - HIS side! you are getting so little out of this situation - indeed it's adding to your 'mental load.' You deserve so much better. Don't let yourself be his chief cook and bottle washer as well as his free counsellor. Just bin. I bet the relief will be enormous!

ChickenMom Tue 20-Mar-18 01:29:30

I’d say you’ve got enough on your plate with studying and your DC to put up with a draining and exhausting man like this! Get rid and recharge your batteries. Dating should be much easier and much more fun than this!

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops Tue 20-Mar-18 01:40:38

Why did he separate from his ex OP? Was she expected to be his mother as well as his wife too?

Bubblesandcake Tue 20-Mar-18 07:24:08

He called last night and asked why I was acting distant. He can obviously tell something is up as I have been avoiding. I explained I feel exhausted by the dating process and explained the last few experiences saying I knew he had alot on but I feel it's one sided. He said that he has cooked for me and it's been a pleasure, sorry I exhaust you, I thought we have been having a nice time, why are you being mean to me. I mentioned the shh comment being rude he said well it's rude to ask questions at 4am. He then said I just think you were jealous I went to watch the rugby and you had to work, you are exhausted with life and taking it out on me. You only cooked for me you didn't climb Everest. I don't know what I have done wrong....sorry you had to rub my feet, sorry you cooked.
I then said if you want to plan a date let me know. He said yes Friday, presuming I don't have my dc's (there's issues with contact and it's supposed to be his weekend). I said why don't you make a plan for when you don't have your dc's as I have to get a sitter and so at least then we both know we are definitely free, you can't make plans assuming you don't have your children. He then said....what are you trying to say, don't have my children. I said absolutely not, I'm saying if you think you are having them then plan with me when you are not. He then said well I'm probably not. I said you can't plan with me presuming you are free, right this weekend off and plan when its convenient with us both as I need to plan my time too. He then said, you are just in a mood. I wasn't getting anywhere so I said let's leave it there.....he thinks I'm moody and wanting to start an argument. I did say I have had a tough few weeks of placement aswell as working nights, it would be nice to feel a little looked after. He just kept saying I have cooked for you...i thought we were having a nice time.
Not 100% sure why they split but he did mention he relied on her too much towards the end.

WhatsGoingOnEh Tue 20-Mar-18 07:40:22

When I dated my now DH, I had kids at home and couldn't go out every time. So he used to buy loads of food and wine and come and cook for me at my house. 😍

Plus we'd go out for dinner, drinks, whatever whenever I could. It was lovely.

This guy sounds mean and quote selfish. Not a huge loss.

Trills Tue 20-Mar-18 07:46:33

^ I have been single so long (6 years) maybe I'm expecting too much^

It's up to you to decide whether you'd rather be single a bit longer, or whether you think being in a relationship is so important to you that you will continue in this relationship even though it's not actually very nice.

I know what I would choose.

SparklyMagpie Tue 20-Mar-18 09:02:15

He sounds like an absolute selfish dick
Also reminds me of a guy I've just stopped talking too

Better off alone than with him OP

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: