Awkward and so hard

[Noodlee]

So my partner and I have been together 2 years. He suffers from social anxiety and is shy when it comes to talking to others. He doesn't have a great work ethic and hasn't held down a stable job ever. He is 20 and so am I.

So a few days ago I broke up with him because of this. We have a 5.5 month old daughter. We live with my dad, sister, sisters partner and child. All his family live in Ireland so he has no where to go so is staying on the sofa. We don't know how to act with each other. We are acting like best friends and everything is fine but deep down it's not. We both still want our relationship to work. He said he is going to do everything he can to win me back as he loves me so much. I love him too and want it to work but need to see him step up. I need to see him out working and getting help for his anxiety. He has had 2 interviews and has another one next week and he has been to the gp about his anxiety.

I don't know what to do though! We are acting fine and I feel deep down that that is wrong as we are broken up right now. We aren't cuddling or kissing or anything but just acting as friends. I don't really know why I'm posting this but I just feel so lost right now and would love someone to just talk to about It all.

[Greenyogagirl]

If he’s been to interviews and to the gp that’s a huge step in the right direction, if you both want it to work then you need to be together but take it each day at a time. Also try to understand that anxiety can be crippling, think of a moment where you were terrified and didn’t know what was happening - that’s how some people with anxiety feel constantly unless they’re in their safe space (usually home)

[LadyTesticlee]

he is 20. the fact you have a kid together is far more concerning than not having had a stable job AT 20.
it doesnt help labelling him as not having good work ethics hes only been an adult 5 minutes ffs.

[LadyTesticlee]

ok I think having a kid so young is the problem. you can't compare your situation with a couple in their late 30s with a career and mortgage. of course your life will be stressful. I don't know what you expected when you're both 20?

[Noodlee]

I'm not comparing our lives to a 30 year olds though. That is why I included our ages. Yes we have had a child at a young age but he is an amazing dad and we wouldn't change things as she is our everything and our age doesn't affect our parenting skills.

[Littlelambpeep]

Very very young. I am very sensible and hardworking but I partied hard until 25 or so and didn't have DC until 35. I still find it hard to be a parent.
He needs to sort a job and it is a bit much the living arrangements ! Does he pay rent to your father ?

[Noodlee]

We were paying rent when he was working but his last job his contract was temporary and when that ended my dad said not to worry about paying rent anymore and just focus on food and our lo

[Joysmum]

Of course it helps to talk about work ethics as it forms part of the responsibilities of being human. Ok to play but since school we’ve all needed to know how to work hard too. My dd has always had it, as have I and many of my family. My dh moved out at 16 and worked through and apprenticeship and we were married not much older than the OP having got together when he was 16.

You’re doing the right thing to have standards, as you’ve said it’s ok if he’s doing something to help himself, not if he isn’t.

Don’t let others make you think you’re being unreasonable because you aren’t.

[Greenyogagirl]

I don’t think age matters. I know neglectful middle aged parents who are out constantly and my cousin and her partner had their first at 14/17 and 13 years later are still together and have two more children. He’s worked full time since 17 to provide for his family. That’s a case of extremely young but they’re doing great. I was married with a baby at 21 and that was fine too. Completely depends on personalities and maturity levels rather than age imo

[Chasingstars88]

I don't think age is an issue. I had my first child at 18 and did just fine not partying. Your life doesn't end when you have children, you can still have a life.
Me and my partner both make sure we make time for ourselves and each other.

I'm 28 now and have a big family, a job, home and a life.

So no whether you're 30/20 the issue that still stands is anxiety. Which I fully understand because I suffer myself.

I'm not saying it's easy because it's not. But the only person that can help is him. He has to do the work himself. All you can do is support him and understand there maybe backsteps. He has made the right steps in the right direction. You don't have to be together to help him. In fact just let him know if you see improvement that door is open. Then slowly it could improve for both of you.

Some people are better parents at 20 some at 30. It's the person not the age.

[Noodlee]

Thank you to the people who says age doesn't matter. I'm not boasting but I can say we are good parents and love our daughter more than anything. He is a real family guy and is a great dad to our lo. He defiently needs to mature in other aspects though as I have said. I just don't know how to act though as it's so hard. We have been together long enough to not know how to act. We were constantly arguing like every single day for a while and it's been so hard. Now we have broken up we were distant for a few days and now we are just acting like friends. I can see how hard he is trying. If he says something wrong he apologises and says that he was in the wrong. If he knows he has hurt my feelings he will apologise. He is going to interviews, sleeping on the couch and being respectful. The hard thing though is that in the mornings he has asked to sleep on the bedroom floor as my sister gets up to work at 6:30. We broke up because his work ethic,he wasn't helping himself,he can get real shitty and defensive about things, he has been so negative and not working towards a future wanting to spend money on stupid things and we have just lost respect for each other,arguing, shouting, both calling each other horrible names and saying really hurtful things.
I just don't know what to do

[toomanyweeds]

It must be really tough.

I have no real relationship or practical advice, in afraid. One thing that occurred to me is whether he'd be OK being a full time dad and you could go out to work for money? Only if that works for you as well though, obviously.

[Noodlee]

We have thought of that and I have applied for a few jobs. But he said he would prefer to go out and work but he hasn't tried hard enough until now,now that we have broken up

[MMmomDD]

OP - age matters. Your age is why you call him a ‘great dad’, while he is clearly immature and not ready to be a father.

Playing with the kid, changing diapers and walking her - is only a small, small part of being a parent.
Putting the child’s needs first; making responsible choices to provide for the child; not wasting money one doesn’t have on ‘stupid things’ - as you said...
All pointing to the fact that he isn’t a good father.
He is a child himself.
And so are you, I am sorry.

But - your child is already here. And both of you need to grow up and figure a way to support her. Given his track record with jobs - I don’t think you being a stay/at/home mother is in the cards.
Both of you need to find some source of income and share childcare.
This is what adults do - live in reality; not some sort of a fantasy.

[Noodlee]

Of course he isn't ready to be a father! We both weren't ready! We are 20 years old. But this has happened and he has taken it hands on and is doing a bloody good job! I know he is immature, that is why we aren't together right now. We can agree to disagree. I am not a child. I am here looking for advice on my current situation and that takes someone who is trying their damn hardest to come to terms with reality.

[Chasingstars88]

Please do not listen to people telling you it's age.
You only have to go through mumsnet to realise there are 30/40 year old manchilds all over it cheating and down to pub every Night.

I do however agree with PP allow him to be a SAHD while your career takes off and he works on himself, then he can do the same. Because let's face it you're still young the world's your oyster 😉

[Chasingstars88]

Go to college... Widen your opportunity.
I'm 28 and I'm going back and can't wait!

[seventh]

So he's only really started properly looking for work since the split?

Why does he need to have the threat of the split on him before he properly looks for work?

[category12]

You should both look for work. Him being a sahm would be a very bad idea, given his lack of motivation, and you have to look at this as going solo. So work or study.

[category12]

Sahp

[PremierNaps]

Personally you both need to get jobs. STAHP's are generally people who can afford to because their partner earns enough to do this. Use it as a time to get some skills. I also think that acting like best friends is a good thing, or it could be a bad thing to say you are better off as friends. Don't take your DP back just because he's held down a job for two week's. Make him earn it! Always keep in mind that your DD is number one. No matter if you and him get back together or not, but you really need a game plan, can't be fun living at home still with a baby.

[Mouseville65]

I had my first child at 20, it’s bloody hard and I also lived with my dad whilst pregnant so I understand your current situation more than most. My advice to you would be to go to work as well. I worked from DS being 4 months (as a receptionist) and DP (now ex DP but best friends) worked in a factory. It was hard but we managed. DS is 11 now, I’v worked my way to senior manager, exDP is manager in the factory and our son has just been accepted into grammar school. I hope you and your DP can make it through this and have a happy relationship but if not you having your own income and independence will ensure you and your child are ok. Good luck 💐

[NotTheFordType]

I'd suggest your dad formally evicts your ex, so he can get on the local social housing list ASAP. Waiting for him to get a job and save up enough money to move out is a mugs game.

Does your dad work? If not then I'd suggest you get yourself in work ASAP too. If he does then I guess you're stuck for a few years till you can get your free nursery place.

[Noodlee]

If we were to both work we would have to put her in full time childcare and my partner and I both feel she is way too young for that. I told him I'd go out and work and he said that he is going to go out and provide for us. I hate this arrangement right now. Its so hard not to give him a kiss or cuddle up to him on the sofa. I want to do those things but I also want him to prove himself and take this seriously.

My dad does work full time but from home most of the time. We both want this to work but I just don't know where to go from where we are at now. It's horrible

[Noodlee]

Also my mum is coming over for a few days from Ireland next week and asked if my lo had been swimming yet. I said no and she said oh do you want to take her when I'm over. He will be in Ireland then so I said oh well I'll probably wait for him and my mum gave me a face to say that would be weird since we are broken up.

I get where she is coming from but I would be really upset if I wasn't there for her first time swimming. Is that weird?

[Givingahelpinghand123]

Hi dear :)

Do you think he is proving himself to you? Is he working hard to win you back? Being respectful about the whole situation?

If he his he's your guy hun, let him know that. Yes he still needs to prove himself but let him do that while still being with you. You clearly love him and are dieing without him.

So what's stopping you?