This is what could happen if you stand up to your EA partner

[97sunnysideup]

Hi Everyone, Sorry, long post. I have had some amazing support on MN about identifying whether or not my partner is EA or if I am the one who has the issue.

I have tried a couple of things over the last few months to discover whether 'If I were more assertive, would the EA go away?' I would like to share, I hope they might help someone.

1. So, I always thought I stood up to my EA partner but when I looked closely, yes, I was arguing back when he was unreasonable, I was explaining what had hurt my feelings, talking him down from a rage and asking him to apologise, then feeling like that was a win. But what I wasn't doing taking ACTION to show him that I meant what I was saying.
   

Note: To do this I had to accept that he may shout and storm off or go out or threaten to leave and try to make me feel insecure about that I had to be strong and remember he was only doing it to try and regain control. It helped to imagine what he might say to me before it happened and have a response prepared. I often get sucked into whirlwind ridiculous arguments otherwise. (He is not physically abusive, I don't know how a physically abusive partner may react so please no one put yourself at physical risk)

I have now started doing this. For example instead of hugging him like he always asks me to do once he has eventually apologised (though I often not meaning it, just to get me back onside) I now say 'No. I cannot just forget the things you have said/done and I need some space.' I then take myself off for some space instead of giving him affection to reassure him after the argument, when deep down I'm still hurting or frustrated. One day I even drove 2hours to Wales to see a friend with my son! I knew he will be in a mood and that I will get silent treatment or he'll storm out and get drunk, but I don't care I now try to show an action when I stand up for my boundaries. Much like you would with a toddler.

1. I have invested time in myself. I joined slimming world. I made contact with friends and instead of hiding my phone while I was talking to them via text to prevent the usual interrogation, I did it in front of him, like a regular person would. It was a revelation. And when he asked who it was I just tell him, in a relaxed tone. 'It's ... we're talking about going out or dinner next week, which will be nice.' I wasnt doing anything wrong afterall. I then may get silent treatment but stopped caring (ref point 1).
   

The result? He is becoming unravelled. I am not proud of this but it seems to be what is happening. He is feeling increasingly insecure and accusing me of things all the time, he quicker to anger and trying to use his old tricks more often but I'm not buying them. Which is making me feel stronger and stronger the more I see his old self-returning. Yes his reactions still make me feel sad, but for myself for being in this situation rather that sad in a way that I'm looking at myself negatively.

I think now that instead of him getting better (though I do feel he has tried) I was the one who had been getting better at preventing a reaction from him.

My goal was not to hurt him, I wanted to know I had tried every option before leaving because he has brought many positive things into my life as well as sadness. He helps me and is supportive in many ways, as I help him. He has improved and recognised some of his behaviours, but I don't know if it will completely go. The EA is often very subtle, where it used to be blatant. Sometimes he is amazing / sometimes he is vile. Like two people.

Being 30, don't think it's worth the risk as more and more years pass by. I am finding it hard to forgive the bad things that have happened between us, so don't think I will ever be truely happy with him.

I hope these things that I have done can help something for someone. EA is such a confusing thing. I am feeling strong at the moment so decided to write this. It may all change over night and I may fold as I have done many many times but I am determined to stick with my personal goals and life that I am regaining and see where it takes me. Maybe with me being more confident, he will gain control over himself, but I'm not counting on it.

[hotcrossbunsandtea]

Why do you not just leave?

He will never change, he'll just use different tactics to get you to do his bidding.

You deserve better

[PurpleDaisies]

I was really hoping that that was a post where someone had stood up to their EA partner by leaving and were now happy away from them.

[Luckyme2]

This really doesn't sound like much fun OP. For you or your son. Why are you still with him. This must be so tiring

[MysticFlyTrap]

You deserve better than this, there is only so much you can do to doctor him into your way of thinking but when it comes down to the cracks beneath the surface he will always be the plaster under the wallpaper.
I got out of an EA relationship which in time also became violent which i still believe is due to me sticking up for myself. Once they can't control you emotionally they then start the next step of using violence as all their other ideas are thwarted.
So glad to be away from it now and being a single sahp is better than the life i had before. It's amazing how much i realise now i wasn't figuring him out or changing him at all because a leopard can't change it's spots no matter what techniques you try.
Get out of there, your sanity and self worth will be saved

[unintentionalthreadkiller]

Goodness why are you with him? This all sounds like really bloody hard work.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Do you have children? If not what are you still doing there?

I stayed with someone like this because I thought it was better for my DC. I learnt to stand up for myself and he got unravelled in the same way . It wasn't pretty what happened afterwards and my dc will never forget it.

Had I not have had them and been as young as you (and presumably not financially dependent?) I would have been loooooooong gone.

You are basically playing with a lion in its cage and seeing exactly what it will take before it bites. Because at some point men like this do react, it won't get better.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Why on earth would you stay with someone like this?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Sorry, reread- you have a son. If I was you I would get out really quickly while you can still have a civil coparenting arrangement. Nothing quite beats the terror of handing your DC over to a man who is so bloody furious still with you that you don't know if you will see them again.

[lanbro]

I stood up to my EA stbxh too, I left him. You should too.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

It’s good that you are feeling stronger but really, him unravelling is not a win for you. Please just keep yourself safe. Don’t antagonise him, plan your new life without him and try not to get sucked in again.

Although he hasn’t been physically abusive previously, that doesn’t mean he won’t. He enjoys having control over you and feeling that he is losing that will not make him accept your new found confidence. He’s not going to suddenly decide he’s happy with an equal partner, gain control over his anger and start respecting you because you’re standing up to him. He will find other subtle ways of keeping you in check. Make sure you are in control of your own contraception. Getting you pregnant would be a great way for him to regain control.

Good luck

[Luckyme2]

"He is becoming unravelled. I am not proud of this but it seems to be what is happening. He is feeling increasingly insecure and accusing me of things all the time, he quicker to anger and trying to use his old tricks more often but I'm not buying them."

This bit really worries me OP. I would say now is the time to get out while you're feeling strong.

[Tamingoftheglue]

I can tell you from experience that this is not the right course of action. You need to leave and ensure your own and your sons safety because when he can no longer control you in an emotional way, it will become physical. You may think you're changing him and teaching him a lesson but you're not. He won't learn, he won't change. Get away from him.

[marthastew]

What Taming said. Get away from him before he starts to use other means to control you. You cannot change people like this. For the sake of your son, get out.

Wishing you lots of strength and love. You can do it and we will help you.

[QuiteLikely5]

I know you mean well op but I would not give this advice when dealing with abuse.

The advice would be to leave, safely.

It’s not sensible to challenge an emotionally abusive partner Incas they do become violent. The chances of violence are high if he feels like he is losing control of a situation.

[AthenasOwl]

Doesn't sound like you're standing up to him. Just sounds like another way of managing his behaviour.
Just leave, life is worth living and that's not living.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

Sounds like a more elaborate way of putting up with the abuse?
Sorry to call you out on that, but you really do need to leave him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You're simply trying to manage him and that never works. What you are doing here is not living at all and is a pitiful existence. Is that what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is really still keeping you with this man at all?. You want your son to grow up thinking re his dad that yes, this is how men treat women?. He could well become a carbon copy of his dad.

[Thebluedog]

I did this right beforehand re leaving him. I felt stronger and stronger and eventually I was able to leave with no regrets. I strongly suspect this is where you will be shortly - good luck OP

One of the final straws for me was that I wanted to go out for tea with a female work colleague who I got on really well with. The plan was for us to go straight from work to a restaurant, have a spot of tea then I’d come home. My exh did not like me having friends or going out. But this time I decided to hold my ground. I told him if my plans 3 weeks in advance. During the 3 week run up to my outing he tried everything. He got angry, he threatened to leave me, he cried, he stopped talking to me for a week, he kicked me, he argued with me, he was super nice, he booked thing for the same day. The more I ignored and didn’t rise but stuck to my guns the more desperate and unravelled he got. He eventually told me on the morning of my tea that if I walked out the door not to bother coming home. I shrugged and walked out the door. I had texts and phone calls galore that day/evening then I walked back in at around 9pm feeling like Wonder Woman. I left him 2 weeks later. It was exactly what I needed to do

[ALittleBitConfused1]

I tried many different tactics to be able to live with my EA partner. At times, like you op, I thought I was making headway or had found a
successful coping mechanisms. What I was actually doing was showing him that he needed to find new ways to abuse/control me. Eventually after one particularly bad week where he abused and I stuck to my plan/controlled reactions etc he lost it completely and asuallted me over and over.
I've since been in therapy and have realised that while the physical abuse was traumatic and horrible the mental abuse was what caused the real damage.
You may think you are winning the war but OP you are actually loosing the battle. Your whole existence should not be about protecting yourself from abuse and mental torture. This will seriously warp your ability to have a normal relationship. Also the effect on your son will be incredible.
My ex suffered an abusive and volatile childhood. My childhood was similar it's not a coincidence he turned into the person he was and that I found myself in a relationship a violent alcoholic.
Please don't think he doesn't have the ability to turn violent. He is an abuser and once he determines his current tried and tested tactics are no longer working he will find another, more effective one
The only way you can live with an abuser is to not live with them.

[PoorYorick]

Just leave. If you're at the point where you're trying experiments like this, and he's abusive, the relationship is dead anyway and you're better off just cutting all this crap from your life.

[SuperSkyRocketing]

When I saw the title of your post, the first thought that came into my mind was that he'd become physically violent and assaulted you. That's what would've happened if I'd done this to my EA ex.

I thought this post would be a warning as to why it's best to leave, not how you can manage someone else's abuse of you. Don't get me wrong, it's great you're feeling stronger but your post makes me feel so sad that you're having to create strategies to manage someone who's supposed to love you, just to try to stop them from abusing you.

Men who are EA can turn violent at any point to regain control. I think you're playing with fire here OP and, like so many other PPs, would urge you to get help to leave. His behaviour isn't your responsibility.

[TalkFastThinkSlow]

Omg just leave, don't waste any more of your life on him

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

Seriously OP, get the fuck out of this right now. You are placing your child and yourself in danger. You probably won't realise how much until you are a few months free of this nonsense. Trust MN, free yourself.

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

Escalating control ime included;

sneaky sabotage violence (tripping up, dodgy car maintenance, punching in sleep etc)
using and hurting dc, refusal to parent
pregnancy and all the vulnerability that goes with it
telling everyone about made up mental health problems
financial abuse and control
excessive gaslighting

and that is just the obvious shortlist. Most abusers are way cleverer than a black eye or some broken ribs,

[picklemepopcorn]

Well done for rediscovering yourself. It's a hard thing to do. However, now you are feeling better, you need to plan to leave ASAP. There is nothing to say he won't become violent. Even if he's normally passive, think how many men become suicidal and decide to take their family with them.

Be careful.