Hi Everyone, Sorry, long post. I have had some amazing support on MN about identifying whether or not my partner is EA or if I am the one who has the issue.
I have tried a couple of things over the last few months to discover whether 'If I were more assertive, would the EA go away?' I would like to share, I hope they might help someone.
- So, I always thought I stood up to my EA partner but when I looked closely, yes, I was arguing back when he was unreasonable, I was explaining what had hurt my feelings, talking him down from a rage and asking him to apologise, then feeling like that was a win. But what I wasn't doing taking ACTION to show him that I meant what I was saying.
Note: To do this I had to accept that he may shout and storm off or go out or threaten to leave and try to make me feel insecure about that I had to be strong and remember he was only doing it to try and regain control. It helped to imagine what he might say to me before it happened and have a response prepared. I often get sucked into whirlwind ridiculous arguments otherwise. (He is not physically abusive, I don't know how a physically abusive partner may react so please no one put yourself at physical risk)
I have now started doing this. For example instead of hugging him like he always asks me to do once he has eventually apologised (though I often not meaning it, just to get me back onside) I now say 'No. I cannot just forget the things you have said/done and I need some space.' I then take myself off for some space instead of giving him affection to reassure him after the argument, when deep down I'm still hurting or frustrated. One day I even drove 2hours to Wales to see a friend with my son! I knew he will be in a mood and that I will get silent treatment or he'll storm out and get drunk, but I don't care I now try to show an action when I stand up for my boundaries. Much like you would with a toddler.
- I have invested time in myself. I joined slimming world. I made contact with friends and instead of hiding my phone while I was talking to them via text to prevent the usual interrogation, I did it in front of him, like a regular person would. It was a revelation. And when he asked who it was I just tell him, in a relaxed tone. 'It's ... we're talking about going out or dinner next week, which will be nice.' I wasnt doing anything wrong afterall. I then may get silent treatment but stopped caring (ref point 1).
The result? He is becoming unravelled. I am not proud of this but it seems to be what is happening. He is feeling increasingly insecure and accusing me of things all the time, he quicker to anger and trying to use his old tricks more often but I'm not buying them. Which is making me feel stronger and stronger the more I see his old self-returning. Yes his reactions still make me feel sad, but for myself for being in this situation rather that sad in a way that I'm looking at myself negatively.
I think now that instead of him getting better (though I do feel he has tried) I was the one who had been getting better at preventing a reaction from him.
My goal was not to hurt him, I wanted to know I had tried every option before leaving because he has brought many positive things into my life as well as sadness. He helps me and is supportive in many ways, as I help him. He has improved and recognised some of his behaviours, but I don't know if it will completely go. The EA is often very subtle, where it used to be blatant. Sometimes he is amazing / sometimes he is vile. Like two people.
Being 30, don't think it's worth the risk as more and more years pass by. I am finding it hard to forgive the bad things that have happened between us, so don't think I will ever be truely happy with him.
I hope these things that I have done can help something for someone. EA is such a confusing thing. I am feeling strong at the moment so decided to write this. It may all change over night and I may fold as I have done many many times but I am determined to stick with my personal goals and life that I am regaining and see where it takes me. Maybe with me being more confident, he will gain control over himself, but I'm not counting on it.