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Weird comment left me feeling crap(53 Posts)
Not sure if Aibu. Back story: been with dp for 1.5 years, because we are basically both on the same page it has always felt pretty serious. We live together (with my dd), we all spent Xmas with his family (his parents live far away) last year, I’ve got pretty close to his Mum and we spend a lot of time socialising with his siblings who live close by. Because of our ages and being very much on the same page, marriage is on the cards within a year or so, and we talk a lot about kids etc. It’s always been a case of “when you know you know” for us, just all feels right and we are committed. That was a big deal for me because of dd but she’s really happy with him too.
On a night out last night with his brother and brothers gf. I’ve never found her easy to talk to or get on with, she’s been with his brother for years though they’re not married (if that’s relevant). She seems to have “queen bee” status in his family and hasn’t seemed that comfy with me joining that group. Anyway we were with a group who I’d never met. One asked me : “so are you part of the (dp last name) family?”
Brothers gf jumps in: “No.”
Guy who asked seems a bit taken aback: “By association, though?”
Brothers gf: “no. Not yet.”
I was pretty taken aback myself and didn’t know how to react. It seemed really weird. Comparatively to her r’ship I have been with dp less time but I did consider myself “part of his family” inasmuch as I consider him an extended part of mine and certainly none of my siblings would see him as an outsider. I’ve put in a load of effort with his family, endless meet ups, messaging, paying for my and dds plane tickets to his family events, Xmas etc. Yes we are not married but she’s not married to his brother if that matters. Tbh I wouldn’t ever introduce myself as “I’m part of the x family” but I didn’t see myself as not part of it if that makes sense? I don’t see it as her place to make that statement about my status it just felt so weird.
It put me in a shitty mood and it still rankles me the next day. She brought the conversation up again later (in a different context) so i know it wasn’t a throwaway comment. Dp cannot see why it made me feel bad or why I care. I know maybe it does seem a bit pathetic but I guess I felt like we are serious and her comment made me feel like an outsider. His family is intense and it’s taken so much time and effort to try and keep up with that.
She is clearly feels you are a threat to her.
You can't force people to feel the way you feel. My brother has had several girlfriends of 18 mths or more. I haven't seen any of them since they broke up and didn't consider them part of the family even though I really liked them and spent time with them.
Yes, she sounds like she sees you as the 'new comer', maybe she jealous. Maybe there's a wish her and her bf were married and she thinks you're going to beat her to be 'officially' part of the family. To be honest you wont really know unless you ask her. But would it be worth the hassle? I wouldn't let it bother you. You and your dp (and dd) are happy together and that is all that really matters.
She’s definitely threatened. Give her a wide berth, OP. Life is too short for this nonsense.
She's an arse and jealous. Rise above it. Keep cultivating your relationships with the rest of the family.
If she says it again be sure to pull her up with a Mumnst special " Did you mean to be so rude?" with a loud passive aggressive laugh.
Don't know why you dp doesn't get why you would be upset though.
She sounds like a controlling sort of person, and how rude to answer for you when the question was addressed to you! Perhaps she is insecure in her own relationship, or sees you as a threat to her 'queen bee' status, as you describe it.
What did she do wrong?? You aren't part of their family. You've only know him a year and a half .
Whether she is or not the way she said it was rude and meant to put her in her place. She could have said they've been together for over a year and are besotted with each other or similar. Does she know that you plan on getting married? Maybe she's jealous that you're getting.married and she isn't?
That's some long assed post over something which is really not important. She made a test comment because of her insecurities. Does the family have status? I can't see why it matters, so long as you and your DP are happy in your relationship?
I'm not sure here, you're not part of the family, to be fair, but she should have let you respond. I don't understand why the person who asked was shocked. It's not like it's a shocking thing.
Sorry I'm with your partner, I don't see why it is bothering you other than she shouldn't have responded on your behalf.
She does sound jealous and a bit of an arse. I would not let her bring you down though, it sounds like your relationship is solid and the rest of his family like you, so she's irrelevant I hate queen bee types ... Life's too short for those.
Well it’s a ridiculous and petty thing to say, and she obviously has an issue around it.
However, my brother had many girlfriends of 18 months- 2 years. I liked them all, got on with them all, spent time with them, they spent time with the family. I generally knew it wasn’t going to be permanent though!
I don't see why it is bothering you other than she shouldn't have responded on your behalf.
The OP is perfectly capable of answering for herself...so I understand why she didn't like it.
OP.. as others have said...it's jealousy plain and simple.
Perhaps more so if she knows you have plans to get married.
I had a similar experience when I was engaged to DH. DH has a few brothers, but only one was married at the time....the rest were cohabiting. I think she liked being the only one with the wife status and was acting unfriendly towards me.
I decided to kill her with kindness and was very friendly with her DC who seemed to like me. She came round soon after that and was happy for me and DH to take the kids on days out.
You don't have kids together and aren't married or even engaged sorry but like I said I can't see what she done wrong.
Maybe a reason to move a step further towards taking your relationship to the next stage? Time to start shopping for an engagement ring!
I disagree with the PPs Bluebell. You and your DP are clearly committed to each other and you have made an effort to be part of his family. I can see how hurtful this comment would be and no doubt DBs GF meant it to put you in your place as a newcomer. She must feel you are a threat to her Queen Bee status. The menfolk wouldn't understand this rivalry but perhaps you could discuss it with DPs DM and ask her advice. She would be a great ally if this carries on.
Prettylittlething fair enough but nether is she?! If it was his blood sister then I’d have less of an issue but she isn’t engaged/married/kids also. Yet also has this weird protectiveness of “her” family. It just feels unnecessary (also we are all over 30. It feels kind of immature of her to play politics)
Yeah it’s just immature and none of her business. Just put it down to bitterness and insecurity, and be prepared for further hostilities when you do get married as it will like bring all this out even more- you will need to learn not to care. After all just getting married will be your revenge in itself
Sounds like she's not as secure in her relationship as you are in yours. And probably that she doesn't feel like part of the family herself.
I wouldnt discuss it with DPs DM as suggested above. It puts her in an awkward position and it may become a bit gossipy. Take the higher road and ignore it. It was rude, and maybe it was rude on purpose, but some people are like that unfortunately. I also dont see this as a reason to rush to get married (like out of spite?). I know you didnt suggest that, but a previous post had that vibe.
I find the original question weird, but maybe there is a dynamic going on I dont quite get. But yes its rude to butt in and answer for someone. If youre happy with how things are going, move on, forget about it, and maybe be prepared for this sort of arsery in advance....and/or avoid her any time you are feeling more fragile.
I also dont see this as a reason to rush to get married (like out of spite?). I know you didnt suggest that, but a previous post had that vibe.
Ha that’s not at all what I meant. Just that as OP said that was they way things were heading between them it is unlikely to go down well with his brother’s long term unmarried gf who obviously has security issues about being part of the family (before anyone gets offended and thinks I’m suggesting all unmarried gf are desperate to get married, because obviously that is not the case). Sometimes the best revenge is just a life well-lived, no need for any further conversations or to waste time giving the childish comments a second thought.
*One asked me : “so are you part of the (dp last name) family?”
Brothers gf jumps in: “No.”*
I always think of an answer way after the event, but be prepared for it to happen again.
to Brother's gf, ' Thank-you, he asked for my opinion, not yours'
to the guy who asked, ' I'm part of the family exactly the same way she is
but I'm not so ill mannered
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