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I don’t know what to do, advice needed(48 Posts)
Hello, it’s my first time posting on here, sorry if I go on.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 yrs, married for almost 3 yrs; we have three children between us but none together (miscarried 4 yrs ago but that’s another story).
I’m interested to know how others would feel in my situation.
We both work (him full time, I do 33 hrs avg per week) but I do 100% of the housework. This is how it has always been, my fault for letting it be like that I think. He comes food shopping with me most 75% of the time, he pays when he’s there, I pay if not. We have separate bank accounts, no joint account, no mortgage/rent outgoings each month as the house is part of his job; I realise how lucky we are in that respect.
I’m at the point now where I have had enough. Clothes are aimed at the washing basket or dropped down the stairs for me to wash, he doesn’t know how to use the washing machine he says. He wears shirts everyday for work, I have to iron them all; he will ask me to rather than do one himself.
He doesn’t cook, tidy up after himself, do any household chores at all (not even the garden or remembering to put bins out, I text him from work to remind him).
I’ve recently started to wonder what I am in this marriage for as apart from some food and that he pays for our holidays every year (where he chooses, never my type of holiday) there is little else. I suggested we have a joint account a few weeks ago and he said no as I’m “s* with money”. I’m not.
Our intimate life is almost non existent, I feel so resentful that I have lost all interest. We don’t socialise together, he has weekends away where he takes his son (19) as he doesn’t do anything on his own. It seems that my daughter and I have one life, they have another. Our family is very divided at the moment.
Another problem is my stepson, I have been in his life since he was 3. He left college almost 2 yrs ago and has not yet found, or applied for, a job. He is being given work by my husband as he sometimes needs extra help in his department at work, is earning around £11 ph extremely part time, so has no inclination to find a job which pays around half that. He spends most days in bed til 3pm, spends hours on his xbox/iPad, eats once a day, washes clothes when he’s run out of clean ones, reluctantly empties dishwasher or recycling bin when I ask and that’s it. Contributes nothing financially but my husband still pays for his phone and buys his food.
Mother’s Day last weekend made me really think. My husband turned down an invite to go to his family for lunch, saying we were doing something else. We didn’t do anyth8ng else, except he came with me to get some food so I could make afternoon tea and bought his deceased wife some flowers to take with his son to the crematorium. This was the first year that I did not get flowers/card/mention of mother’s day from my two stepsons. I am well supported by my daughter (17) who is almost as frustrated as me.
I could go on but I think you probably get the picture.
I realise that I need to talk to him but I’m delaying things as he has the worst temper and will think he has done no wrong, he will turn things to make it seem like it’s me who is in the wrong. I’m not perfect but all I want is a happy home life, a loving husband and to feel like I’m supported.
Any advice will be greatly received.
Also, I have left him once before in 2008 for almost a year, lived apart for 6 yrs before moving back in and getting married.
Did he change when you seperated?
Did you end up in the same rut, soon after getting back together?
Personally I wouldn't try to resolve anything.
I would find a place for you & DD to rent.
You work 33hrs a week, you would probably get some help with housing benefit.
At least you will be happy, less stressed and not treated like dirt anymore.
I don’t see why you’re with him. What is he bringing to your life bar being able to say that you have a husband? Can you afford to live with just your daughter? If so, I would start making plans. I don’t like the sound of his horrible temper. Be careful.
Meanwhile, start planning for a better life. Do you have any savings?
This seems as if it's dead in the water. Sorry.
Why did you leave him before? For the same reasons you've outlined above? Did anything change? Did he promise to change?
I would be very inclined to see a decent solicitor (get a recommendation if you can from someone who has been through a divorce). You can often get a free half hour, and this maybe enough to give you a reasonable idea of where you would stand in the event of a split.
Thanks for your replies, I’m not sure how to comment on individual ones as I’m new to the site.
When we got back together it soon returned to how it had been... all m6 friends thought I was better on my own just seeing him for dinner, holidays etc as I had none of the ‘wife duties’ to do and just saw the best side of him.
It actually scares me to think I might have to go through it all again. I have around £2500 of my own, so I could rent somewhere. I’m a nurse so don’t get paid a huge amount but I’m currently looking at becoming self employed to bump my wages up a bit.
Never thought at 44 I’d be in this predicament. It’s just so sad, just wish he could see that.
It's very hard to leave at any time op, but I'm in my 50s and just left my stbxh. Really, really wish I'd done it 10 years ago!
You are actually still young, OP, and need to get out of this situation. He sees you merely as a maid of all work - not a partner.
At the moment we are definitely not a partnership. Excuse my ignorance but what is OP?
As a nurse could you not also do agency work?
I'd move out with your DD and leave him to it.
You could attempt explaining how you feel, but very calmly say if he doesn't want to it isn't willing to change...that's fine...as you can separate...get divorced and you don't have to be enemies.
The fact that you don't share children...means once you are divorced..you really don't need to see him again.
No need for drama...it fuss...just an amicable divorce.
Maybe (with a miracle and some serious self reflection on his part) he'll has an epiphany during your separation and realise how he's taken you for granted ...but I wouldn't hold your breath.
Additionally, by staying with him...you're showing your DD a poor example of a woman's role in a marriage... I don't mean that in a critical way...it's just another point to consider.
You don't want tolerating that kind of nonsense in the future.
If we did separate I could jot be nasty, I don’t have the energy and it’s just not in me.
I could do against work but don’t completely agree with it as the nhs trained me and it costs them a fourtune.
My daughter is very sensible and has her head well and truly screwed on, she knows our relationship isn’t equal and it frustrates her a lot. She’s brought out the feminist in me actually, she’d never do what I do.
OP means original poster, i.e. You, the person who started the thread. There's a list of abbreviations used here, it's confusing. For what it's worth, it's obvious to me you are better off separated, he is exploiting your good will
Op is original poster (you) or the original post. Sorry your dh doesn't seem to have any respect or consideration for you. It's outrageous that you're working almost full time but do the housework for the whole household while he does nothing. Giving you his fucking shirts to iron on top of that is just adding insult to injury, what an entitled, sexist dick. If you leave, you'll probably rediscover your self esteem at some point. If you don't leave, at least put your foot down about the housework, and don't iron a single shirt more.
OP = Original Poster. That's you OP.
PS Freedom is bloody lovely, do it know before your daughter leaves home, you will love it.
Sorry you’re in this position. Honestly, he’s unlikely to change. He has such a temper you’re too scared to even bring it up with him? He doesn’t know how to work the washing machine?! Please! And it’s not just him is it? Your step son is following in his footsteps.
I would start looking at your options for living apart from him. If you don’t want to do agency in other hospitals, you can pick up NHS bank shifts or do agency work in care homes near by as and when you can? I can’t really see what incentive you have to change.
I stopped reading at the no intimacy bit because it’s pretty obvious your relapsing dead in the water.
Time for a plan, you’re in your 40s, you could have another 40+ years on this planet. Time to let go of the deadwood and find your happy.
You’ve been together a very long time and I guess have always done all this Wifework? You probably didn’t mind when you felt a connection and intimacy with him. But now that’s gone. You are now little more than a maid. He’s done a number on you with the ‘I can’t work a washing machine’ and keeping you cowed down with his temper.
Time to set yourself free from this situation and re-discover yourself. There’s a whole world out there. The finances and logistics will work themselves out - go and see a solicitor and start looking at rental properties with your daughter.
Go for it
So you're basically his unpaid slave. You have no home together nor children together so should be a relatively straightforward divorce. If you are scared of him getting violent or just scared of his reaction then have a friend with you when you tell him.
Good luck op. You're still very young and have lots of life ahead of you. For just you an your daughter you won't need a big house and if you find you need to supplement your income by doing agency work then do so. You'll have more time to work when you're not doing everybody's housework.
He is just taking advantage of your lovely nature. You are still young, please leave him. Your daughter sounds lovely, you could both live so happily free of all this toxicity.
Also worth speaking to cab to see what you'd be entitled to, a solicitor to advise you on how the divorce should pan out in financial terms and looking at rental properties or buying.
Finding it quite emotional reading all of these messages... just reaffirming what I think I already knew.
You be nothing out of this relationship. If it was your daughter telling you these things what would you advise ? Staying wouldn't be one of the options.
When I mentioned agency work...It was in case you needed some extra money to help with moving out costs...It wasn't to give up working where you are.
Just ad hoc additional hours.
Sandyy2k, yes I understand, thank you. I would have to do something extra, I am looking into things re working more.
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