Sulky DH

[jemr2345]

So last night I was rushing about sorting things out after dinner, at the end of a long week at work, bit knackered and harassed. I was going out to the car to get some treats I’d bought the DCs and DH said, in a flirty way, as I passed him, “any treats for me?” I said no (I would have thought it was pretty obvious I wasn’t in the mood for any banter), then he reached out and grabbed my boob, which really pissed me off so I shouted at him “no DH don’t do that” and went off out to the car (kids were in another room and I don’t think overheard). It was obvious I was annoyed, but I wasn’t going to fall out with him or anything, I just reacted in the heat of the moment.

When I came back in he had gone to bed without a word (7pm) and now hasn’t spoken to me or spent any time with me and DCs for over 24 hours, even after I apologised twice for snapping at him.

This is shit behaviour from him isn’t it? I’m so upset that he thinks this is a proportionate response and I’m just supposed to wait until he’s speaking to me again and then he will act like nothing has happened. He’s got form for sulking but he had been better recently. I don’t know what to do about it. Wait until he’s speaking to me again and then tell him I think his response was unacceptable? But I’m certain based on previous experience he won’t apologise so then what?

[Cambionome]

Yes, it is shit behaviour.

I would just carry on as if nothing was happening. Chat away, don't react to his childishness, pretend you haven't noticed anything. He will get fed up soon enough if you seem totally unbothered.

[ThornyRose75]

Agree with pp, carry on in as chirpy a manner as possible and don’t let him think that his sulking is affecting you in any way. It’ll drive him mad if his behaviour isn’t getting a response!

[ThornyRose75]

Also, meant to say, I wouldn’t have it out with him whilst he’s in a mood. Once he’s back to normal, mention how his behaviour makes you feel in as calm a way as possible. Good luck (and you have my sympathy, my DH is also a bit of a sulker... it’s SO unattractive)

[Mxyzptlk]

He was the one in the wrong, grabbing your boob.

If it was me I'd tell him that, clearly, then carry on cheerfully ignoring his sulks.

[Doingreat]

I would not put up with this for one second. I would not carry on chirpily talking to him. I would carry on with my life as normal and completely ignore him. Do what he is doing to you. Pretend he doesn't exist. When he deigns to speak to you act surprised as though you hadn't even noticed he was there and just carry on ignoring.... Until he begs for forgiveness and promises never to pull the sulking act on you ever again.

[Aquamarine1029]

I would tell him the next time he pulls this passive-aggressive, infantile, sulking routine BULLSHIT, he can fuck off right out the door. This behaviour is a recipe for disaster as far as your marriage is concerned, and a horrible example for your children. Why live like this? I know I wouldn't.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His sulking behaviour is his responsibility alone; just carry on as normal and do not further pander to any such behaviour from him. No more apologising and btw you never had to apologise to him in the first place, let alone twice.

Not surprised either to read that he has form for this; sulking is often learnt behaviour (and in all likelihood either one or both of his parents do this as well). He does this because he can and it works for him.

I would seriously consider your future within this relationship now as well as what you get out of this. What do you get out of this relationship with him?. He is neither a good H to you nor a good father to his children if he acts like this repeatedly. Your children cannot afford to learn such crap lessons on relationships either because they could all too easily copy him as well.

[jemr2345]

Yeah the thing is though he doesn’t see it as sulking. He says it’s just how he deals with feeling sad, it’s not deliberate. Which I think he genuinely believes.

These incidents happen every couple of months and they often relate back to sex and him feeling that we don’t have enough or when we do I’m not enthusiastic enough, or willing to do some of the more kinky stuff he’s into.

We got together very young and back then I was much more willing to do things I didn’t enjoy in bed because I was inexperienced and very keen to please. Now I’m in my mid 30s and a feminist I’m less inclined to do this and it pisses me off when he expects me to “compromise” by doing stuff he knows I find a total turn off. I think I’ve changed a lot over the years and he feels kind of betrayed by that?

The last incident like this was just before Christmas - he went into a sulk because I’d been unenthusiastic during sex. I had honestly not been in the mood at all but it had been over a week and I felt like I had to go through the motions to keep him happy, I know that sounds awful and it was probably pretty obvious I was hating it, but instead of stopping he finished off and then didn’t speak to me the following day. We went out the next night (fuck knows why, but we had a babysitter and everything so I thought going out might cheer him up). He sat there in the restaurant with a face like a slapped arse only giving one word answers while I chatted away trying to pretend it was all ok. He got very drunk very quickly and when I finally asked him why he was bring like this he said that I didn’t try any more, that he feels “desolate” because I don’t even try give him the sex he needs. This is totally unfair IMO because I do try but I have limits. It was fucking horrible, we left early and I cried in the taxi all the way home. Then like an idiot I was panicking about his mood ruining Christmas for me and the kids, so I apologised and shagged him how he likes and then it was all ok again, on the surface.

I’ve realised that I’m encouraging this behaviour by giving him what he wants in response to it (because I can’t bear being ignored, and he knows this). Because he doesn’t scream and shout it doesn’t seem like an act of aggression but it is, isn’t it? I need to be stronger. Things are good in between the sulks but I still carry the resentment around with me and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to let it go.

Deep down I’m not happy with him and would probably prefer to split. But. He would be devastated by this as would the kids and I would hate them being away from me part of the week. I honestly don’t think the kids are aware of anything being wrong, we never argue in front of them and yesterday I just told them he had work to do which they accepted without any question. On the surface they have parents who love each other and get on well, so I have always thought it’s probably better for them for us to stay together and it would be selfish of me to leave. But I really don’t know anymore.

[Quartz2208]

To be honest he is controlling you by acting like this. Indeed it is borderline sexually abusive because he acts like this and you give in by giving him what he wants sexually even though you dont want to. He finished even though it was clear you hated it.

You know that you would be happier if you split and you need to put yourself first

[jemr2345]

I should say though that this has been a longer gap between sulks than usual so I thought we were making progress. Also it’s not completely fair to say he hasn’t spoken to me at all, as he did go to the shops and ask if I wanted anything, and he said hello to me when I came in after taking the kids out. He has also has spoken to the kids a bit and was being normal with them but just keeping away from us. He’s still in bed now so I don’t know if he’ll be speaking to me today. He’s going to be working away all this week so it seems even more stupid to cut me off in the little time we do have together. Sigh.

[Gide]

Controlling and coercive behaviour. He’s disgusting, OP, sorry. You either need a serious chat re his very poor behaviour and I don’t see this lasting, unless you ‘compromise’ and let him have sex the way he wants it, which, I would not be able to tolerate. Sulking due to lack of sex or not doing it the way he wants (uncomfortable/humiliating/whatever) is absolutely unacceptable.

[Cambionome]

Jesus. This passive aggressive shit is horrible - I know that it really grinds you down and is awful to live with.

Would he consider counselling? If he refuses to think about that even though he knows you are unhappy, then I would consider going it alone. I know it's difficult but it's hard to see him changing without help.

[jemr2345]

I just find it so hard to reconcile the man he is when he’s being nice (which is honestly most of the time) with the man who can behave so coldly towards me every now and then. It would be an easy decision if he was like this all the time, I couldn’t tolerate it and would leave. But it’s not all the time and I don’t think he sees anything wrong with it. He almost seems to see it as an expression of love - he’s told me many times that he still fancies me like mad after all these years and it drives him crazy when he can’t have me. So it makes him feel really sad and this is how he deals with it. I think he really believes this and would be devastated to be described as coercive/abusive.

[jemr2345]

I have asked about counselling before and he’s not keen.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi

re your comment which I have separated out:-

"Deep down I’m not happy with him and would probably prefer to split".

So you're not getting anything yourself out of this relationship then.
Well do so, think about splitting up and get information on the practicalities from a solicitor of doing so. You do not have to act straight away on the advice given but you will know then. After all knowledge is power. Your children will also thank you, they certainly won't say thanks mum to you for staying with their sulking coercive dad. Over time one or both of them could well learn sulking behaviours to get their own way also. Its no legacy to leave them.

"But. He would be devastated by this as would the kids and I would hate them being away from me part of the week".

Do you really think your kids would be devastated, currently they are seeing one person their dad not at all bother with his kids for the best part of a whole day. This is an ongoing problem and sulking more often than not is learnt behaviour.

He would not be devastated so much as annoyed because he would then have to put time and work in to find another sap of a compliant woman to run around after him and otherwise facilitate his life, kinks and sulking. Do you really think he would also want the kids for any great length of time, such selfish men only think of their own selves and I would think he would be bloody awkward post any separation as well.

"I honestly don’t think the kids are aware of anything being wrong, we never argue in front of them and yesterday I just told them he had work to do which they accepted without any question. On the surface they have parents who love each other and get on well, so I have always thought it’s probably better for them for us to stay together and it would be selfish of me to leave".

They know, believe me they know even if they cannot properly express it themselves. Children are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken at home and they are clearly picking up on all this from him to you. They probably accepted what you told them but you are simply papering over the cracks. Staying for the sake of the children is rarely if ever a good idea because it teaches them that their parents relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them too. Your own relationship with them as adults going forward could also be damaged because they could well call you daft for staying because of them and also accuse you of putting him before them. You also stated that you would prefer to split; do not keep on swallowing the shit sandwich your H gives you.

And would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like yours is; no you would not. So stop showing them that, currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such men rarely if ever go to counselling and yours also feels entitled to act as he has done here. He honestly thinks he has done nothing wrong here with regards to you.

Go to counselling on your own, you also need to be able to talk in a calm environment. He would never have given you the opportunity to speak freely in any counselling session in any case.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think you using words like 'give him' and 'the sex HE NEEDS' should tell you that this relationship is going down the pan fast.

If he's got a kink you aren't compatible with and don't enjoy then he needs to work out whether he can live without that (and keep you) or whether him having the sex he, apparently 'needs' trumps his desire to stay married.

[Quartz2208]

What would happen if you talked to him after all if you did separate it would be the first step

[mammymammyIRL]

I could've written this post.
As mentioned by another poster the dc know
This is thread I wrote & advice I got
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3179933-i-m-35-today-i-ve-realised-my-marriage-is-over

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He asked you if you wanted anything from the shops, well that was nice of him. He is still awful to you however isn't he.

Abusive men can be nice sometimes but this is all really part of their nice/nasty abuse cycle which is a continuous one. Its not your fault he has declared his own private based war against you and the responsibility for his sulking is his and his alone.

I am also certain that he can be and is quite plausible to those in the outside world. However, they are not married to him and you know his true nature here. He has also never apologised nor taken any real responsibility for his actions here has he.

Would you want this for your kids going forward; no you would not.

[ThornyRose75]

Hmmm, so this is way more than him just being a bit sulky at times. He might not be shouting at you but this still sounds like abuse.

He “punishes” you by ignoring when he doesn’t get the sex he wants! It’s all about him isn’t it? What about your needs?

Just because he doesn’t see his behaviour as coercive doesn’t mean it’s not. I know it’s easier said than done but you do know you need to stop giving in to him, it’s just going to reinforce his idea that sulking gets him what he wants.

He won’t change unless he’s made to realise that what he’s doing is wrong and damaging his “happy” marriage. Would he really refuse counselling if you made it clear how close he is to losing you?

Sending you some virtual OP. Hope you manage to sort things out.

[EyepatchOfTravis]

Op, this sounds absolutely horrific . What kind of 'man' uses emotional blackmail to get the woman he's supposed to love to perform acts for his personal gratification knowing that they make her unhappy?

This is not OK.

Even if you're charitable and see it as him being confused and bewildered about your physical relationship changing it doesn't excuse his behaviour.

[JestFromTheWest]

Manipulative.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

Please split. It sounds awful and you don't deserve this. You can't fix him. You have one life. One!

[Terfinater]

This is sexually abusive.