Friendships - feel lonely

[Interestedparties]

Any tips on feeling more 'whole' as a person? I have just taken my DD (aged 6) to a birthday party and had to wait about chatting to other parents but I am the one who people don't come to.
When speaking to these people they seem to be having such busy and full lives whereas I'm not. They are in their groups chatting away and I am the one on the edge not included.

I am so sick of it. Why does this happen? It has always been the same.

To top it all someone was going to give me a lift back but then left when they couldn't find me (was with DD in toilet) FFs I would never dream of doing that.

[Interestedparties]

Oh and I overheard at work the other day someone say to another 'I've sent you an email about drinks next week' which means the whole team are going out but I'm not invited. I am 3 grades lower than the others but I'm the only one - selfish gits

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

but then left when they couldn't find me (was with DD in toilet) FFs I would never dream of doing that.. What a shit! Sorry Interested, it’s really hard not being part of the crowd isn’t it.

Not sure what to advise but there is a Facebook group made as a spin off from another thread which you’d be welcome to join. There are a couple of hundred members now so likelihood of finding some local friends is reasonable! PM me for details. I may not reply tonight as I’m out - on my own at the theatre as I have nobody to go with! But fuck it, I’m here with MN for company until it starts

[deste]

It’s not nice being the outsider but don’t stand at the side, get right in there and say hi, how is everyone doing.Someone will speak to you. You sound angry and this is only with two posts, is it possible that is how you come over to others even though you don’t mean to.

[Interestedparties]

Thanks myrelationshipisweird hope you enjoy the theatre.

Deste I'm really angry. I wonder if it does come across? I'm not sure it does but I must give off some vibe. I am so not bubbly, wish I was. I really want to be one of those effortlessly popular people...

[junebirthdaygirl]

The unfortunate thing is the less you are the more friends you will have. Its a pain but l have found it to be true.
The person who went off on you was mean unless she genuinely believed you were gone.

[NerNerNerNerBATMAN]

It's crap OP. I probably look very sociable and chatty to others, but in reality I am faking it. I've lost a few good friends recently who have moved back to their home countries (thanks Brexit), and really feel their loss. I'm having to make significantly more effort to join in and be sociable. Kids parties/nursery pick up especiallly. DD starts school in September and I'm conscious I need to make an effort to get to know people if I want to develop friendships.

It is an effort though. Hard to come across as likeable but not needy.

I don't have the answer, just wanted to say you're not alone. Plus some of the mums you see being sociable will be faking it until they make it too

[dirtybadger]

Are you involved in any more hobby based groups? I am a quiet (not shy, just a bit reserved) person and find I am left out a lot. Ive always struggled to make friends at work, university, etc. It has upset me a lot in the past and made me paranoid I am weird or something. But I have made plenty of friends at clubs where we actually have a shared interest...and there is more of a reason to meet up regularly (for the hobby). I cant say I have progressed past that (i.e. we dont go for coffee) but thats fine because being with people doing the hobby is social enough. I think youre much more likely to make friends this way than hoping you happen to get along with other mums, who, to be honest, you may have nothing beyond all having kids, in common with. Ive joined some sports clubs, and do some charity work too. If you dont have much child free time, then some voluntary stuff in an area you are interested in might be suitable (one of the voluntary things I do always has people bringing kids along to help out too).

[whirlygirly]

Op, it's fine not to be bubbly but do you respond warmly if others initiate conversation? I was at a work networking event the other day and tried to chat to a couple of women on my table who both appeared pleasant but shy.

It was such hard work I wandered over to the coffees and immediately got into easy conversation with a lovely friendly lady.

I've had to overcome my own shyness to do this. It's exhausting when you put yourself out there and either get mono syllabic answers or have to make all the conversation.

[NiceNormalPerson]

I can really empsthisr with you. I often feel like this. I always feel on the edge of a group and never in with everyone. I think I'm pleasant. I'm polite, listen to whatcothers have to say eye but never feel involved.
People always seem to let me down too. We make plans but then on the day they suddenly cant make it - usually a "better" offer. For example earlier this week i had plans to go out for tea at a certain restaurant with a friend. It had been planned for a couple of weeks. The evening before I text friend to say " judt checking all ok for tea at the xxx at 6pm tomorrow still?" The response was " Whoops! Literally just been there for tea with XYZ friend and can't go 2 nights on the trot!".

We did Still meet the next day (but not for tea) and the friend mentioned that she and xyz friend just really fancied the food there and decided to go anyway - she hadn't forgotten our plans judt disregarded them to suit herself a day earlier.

This is the type of scenario that just happens over and over on the rare occasion I actually ever have a social event to look forward to.

I'm so sorry to hijack your thread.

I do alit of stuff alone because if I didn't I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything. The cinema is an easy place to start going alone if a bit nervous.

[BearbearP]

I’m the same - I went to a baby and mum group and no one spoke to me - tried to join in he conversation and was ignored. I’m such a recluse now I just stay at home with baby- don’t have any friends to socialise with - tbh I don’t have time to go out the house as I am constantly cleaning and tidying up due to my partners very high standered of the house! I feel the most lonely I’ve ever felt. 😞 I’m not a horrible person - I used to socialise and be out all the time but now i wouldn’t dare.

[liquidrevolution]

I'm an introvert and finding the kids parties so hard. I have to make an effort though as DD is an only child and she needs friends. She's looking like another introvert though .

I didn't realise there was a Facebook group. Mind if I pm you for the details ?@MyRelationshipIsWeird

[Interestedparties]

Nicenormalperson you're not hijacking. That's really shitty behaviour from your friend. That's a good example of the type of thing I have to deal with too.

Cinema is a good place to go on your own, I agree

[Interestedparties]

Whirlygirly I do initiate conversation yes. In fact I'm quite good at it ....or maybe not as I am still the one on the edge.

[Interestedparties]

Sorry whirlygirly that sounded a bit defensive l think but I didn't mean it that way. I reckon I am good at beginning a conversation but not a good storyteller and so it may seem a bit of an interrogation on my side. I don't know.

[randommmmmmmmmmm]

I'm in the same situation now 42 lost friends thought moves and spending time with children it gets
Lonely at times.

[Interestedparties]

Oooh Dirtybadger volunteering where you can take kids with you sounds like a good plan. I have very little time due to full-time unfulfilling work and then I do an exercise class a couple of times a week.

[Interestedparties]

BearbearP that's dreadful, is there another baby group you can go to? Tidying and cleaning all day is not fun and certainly not every day.

Liquidrevolution l can't work out if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I think I must be extrovert because I want to be out with people. I want people to visit. I'm sure people can smell desperation.

Randommm sorry you feel lonely too.

[Mary1935]

Bear bear - I'm concerned your partner is controlling or has other issues - the state of the house is both your issue - but with a young baby it's hard to keep on top of it!!! Fuck to cleaning to HIS exacting standards. Does he do anything? Does he expect his dinner cooked? Try and get out if you can. I know some groups can be bad - I've experienced a few. You maybe more welcomed at a local church mother and toddler. Look after yourself.

[Sometimeitrains]

Im an introvert as well and think there is nothing wrong with it. It just means you draw your energy from being alone rather than in company,doest mean you hate company but are just better suited to certain types or small doses.
Consequently I know I dont thrive in large social interactions and Im better at one on one conversations.
Some people interpret this as being stand offish and exclude me on that basis but when Ive met up with mums individually through the meet a mum phone app, babycentre etc. it worked well and Ive been able to make a couple of friends for regular playdates but no one I can just call for a chat if Im feeling lonely after kids are in bed etc bar the two friends Ive had since childhood.
Its hard work but something I think you just have to stick with and roll with knowing some people you are just not going to be suited to or close to and that it is okay for that to be the case.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

bear I’m concerned too - does he become angry if the house isn’t tidy enough?
Op i would suggest fake it till you make it especially with the school mums get in there and just be light and breezy, chit chat after a few months with become friendship. There’s one lovely lady in our Mum friendship group who’s organised a few events which everyone thought at the time was lovely of her she’s since told me it was because she didn’t have a circle of friends so she wanted to pull us all together but I would never have known