Did abortion change your relationship?

[ProjectMoose]

I'm wondering if it's possible to move on from abortion when one person wanted the baby but the other didn't.

I'm finding the anger and resentment difficult to deal with, how do you move past those feelings? Particularly when having more children is definitely not an option.

[MMmomDD]

I am not sure I could move past resentment.

However - it’d also depend on circumstances. How many kids I already had, and if having one more would have been ok and easy; or changed my existing family life dramatically, on any level.

In some ways - I think - it’d have mattered to me why my partner didn’t want to have another child.
It it was because, of what I perceived, ‘lazy’ and ‘selfish’ reasons - I think i’d have never forgiven him.
If there were real and valid reasons - i’d know that my reaction is more likely emotional and irrational, and possibly driven by the loss of that last chance to use my fertility - and i’d try to deal with it, on my side...

This doesn’t directly answer your question. Sorry

[Poshindevon]

I am sorry you find your self in this awful situation.
May I ask why your in a relationship where you clearly want a child and your partner does not?
I dont see how your relationship can survive if you feel such anger and resentment. Why should you bottle up your feelings and deny yourself being a mother?
Obviously there is a back story.

[ProjectMoose]

I didn't explain myself very well, apologies for the drip feed.

I have two children already. He has two grown up children and is quite a bit older than me.

When we met neither of us wanted more children but in time my feelings began to change but I accepted that it wasn't what he wanted and that more children wasn't right for us.

Then I fell pregnant, unplanned and not something we'd discussed doing. Had an abortion a few weeks ago and am now struggling to process.

I know that having more children is absolutely not the right option for me and him and the children we already have. It's just really tough, people my age are all getting married and having babies and it's just everywhere.

He doesn't want more children because he feels done with that part of his life and wants to move on to the next stage. Financially it's not a huge issue and we could manage without too much of a struggle but he just doesn't want it.

Perhaps counselling would help? There is no real reason for me to want more children, it's completely illogical. It just all feels so raw at the moment and I can't see past this immediate point we're at.

[GoSuckAFart]

yes. Because I had one abortion the ex almost expected me to have another one and would be flippant with condoms and the 'oh you can have an abortion' attitude not understanding abortion is something I wanted to avoid again.

For clarity I cannot take contraceptives due to health issues and EX new this. We were left with condoms and fertility awareness. I was pretty switched on with my cycle and we'd avoid sex at certain times, this works very well even now. however, If the condom broke I would be limited to the morning after pill and abortion was my back up. So at 19 I had an abortion due to condom and morning after pill failure.

[SVRT19674]

Why don't you have a spiral fitted?
When you say abortion, do you mean miscarriage? Because if the first, no guy could make me do that if I didn't believe in it.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

The OP says very clearly what the situation was, SVRT

[AtrociousCircumstance]

OP I think I would find it extremely difficult to move past. And his reaction - how thoughtful and sensitive he was, how much he offered support - would matter. A lot.

[rextrex]

Did you discuss the fact you wanted to keep it before with him or did you think you'd be fine at the time and these feelings are just hitting you now?

[Lndnmummy]

Yes it did, and it took a lot of hard work and councelling to get through it. I am still sad at times about it, but it is not as raw anymore.
It took a long time to get through.

[MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup]

He was extremely upset because he really wanted a baby but I just wasn't ready. I was in the middle of studying and embarking on a journey to uni, and I was young as well (he is fairly older than I am). He was devastated for a long time and still held grudges against me and during arguments, sometimes he would bring it up and it really hurt but I did say he has to let his feelings out and that was how he was feeling so I just coped with it. A few years later, after everything we went through in our relationship, I became pregnant and this time I felt ready and he is 1.5 year old now and wouldn't change him for the world.

[starsandmoons]

Im married with children and it was a joint decision to not proceed but i had a lot of anger and resentment for about a year after even though i knew it was the right decision but i had a lot of anger around having to be the one to go thru with it etc but it does pass xx

[ProjectMoose]

It's not about not believing in abortion, is that even possible?! Abortion is something that happens so what's not to believe!

I am 100% pro choice, no questions asked. My initial response to finding out I was pregnant was that abortion was the right thing to do, booked an appointment and then cancelled as I felt I 'needed more tine', clearly at that point I was having doubts.

We talked a lot about it and he said repeatedly that if I could not go through with an abortion then he would support me.

Rebooked an appointment with Marie Stopes and two days before told him I felt like I really wanted the baby. He was shocked but told me to cancel the appointment and that we would get on with it.

We talked some more but he could only see/Talk about the negatives of having a child, financial impact, no chance for early retirement, etc. so I went through with the abortion.

The week after was hell. I was so sad and angry it was unbearable. It feels less so now but it's still unbearable quite a lot of the time.

He does not want more children but says he's scared I will leave him because of it. It's all very raw still and mostly I just feel like I want a baby without really giving any thought to what this would actually mean if that makes sense?

When I get angry and upset he also gets angry and tells me he feels likes I'm backing him into a corner about it.

It's good to see that counselling has helped others, perhaps that is worth a try.

[catbasilio]

I had an abortion about a year into relationship with my boyfriend. I have 2 DC and he has 3DC, I haven’t divorced my exH yet and he is in a financial post-divorce mess.

Few months after, relationship-wise, we are fine. It was absolutely the right decision, I don’t have regrets. We don’t feel the need to bring that up, life’s moved on, plenty of other things going on, it was rather unpleasant experience but gone and dusted.

However two things here. Firstly it was absolutely fundamental that he supported me through the process and was there for me, and didn’t pressurised me into decision. Had he been a prick this could well broken us up.

And.. I’d never thought I will say this but it brought back my broodiness. Now I often thing that a baby (not yet, maybe a couple of years forward) would be a blessing. I keep these thoughts too myself. I know he is not dead against but really not in a good position. So, still hoping that in a couple of years time we would go for a baby. Had there not be an abortion I doubt f I felt this way.

[ProjectMoose]

cat do you think you'll have a baby in the future?

That's not an option for me, he absolutely doesn't want more children. I'm trying to focus on all the things we'll be able to do in a few years that we couldn't do with a small child but the pain is so intense.

Every time we're together I feel so angry about it all and it's eating away at me. Haven't sought counselling yet as i had been feeling a bit better over the last few days but it keeps on hitting me.

I'm scared that I'm going to ruin our relationship with these negative feelings.