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Living Hell - Life with a Drug Addict

(164 Posts)
Icepinkeskimo Fri 16-Mar-18 23:51:18

I met my DP around 18 months ago, I had been single for some time, after my divorce and lonely. I have a great career which I love, and on the face of it had everything except children and someone who loved me as I would love them.

So by chance I met what I thought was the man of my dreams, but it has turned into a living nightmare. He has 3 DC from a previous relationship, so on the face of it all great, except it isn't.

I have my own property and he moved in fairly quick, which I was level headed about thinking that if it didn't work out we would split amicably. We have the DC over approx once or twice a month they are lively and fun and loving, just great kids, no problems with them or the ex, who I have never met as she lives the other side of the country.

So everything started well, until DP had to visit his family, I couldn't go due to work commitments, but it was only a Friday to Sunday so no worries. However the worry started when he returned on the Sunday night. He arrived back and I can only describe his behaviour as erratic. First his voice was really hoarse, he was constantly scratching and clawing at his skin and he to put it bluntly was a paranoid belligerent bastard. I went to bed and left him to it, I pick my battles and something deep inside told me not to pick one.

To cut a long story short I found out over the space of the next six months I am living with what they term a high functioning heroin addict. He works hard, but as soon as the weekend comes around he goes around to his friends place and smokes heroin. Tonight is again such a night, he will either return home around midnight or approx 4pm tomorrow. Things have escalated to the point where it can now happen on any day where he is stressed out.

He has turned into a vile selfish self obsessed jealous individual who's only love is for himself and his drug of choice. I have thrown him out 3 times already but he returns in a diabolical state and stupidly I let him in the house.

I have begged him to seek help, consider rehab, and remind him that his children need their father, but all I get are promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I know by letting him back in I am enabling him, but my heart breaks every time he appears at the door looking dreadful and ill. Then I think about the DC and this also adds to the heartache.

He tells me he loves me but I feel and believe the only thing he does love about me is the beautiful house I worked so hard for, use of a great car, and basically every material thing I have. I feel so stupid, it feels like he targeted me because he knew I was lonely, and down and financially solvent.

Last night it kicked of again, I cooked dinner and he just went into a rant because the cats bowl hadn't been washed up straight away. He called me a fucking scruffy cunt, I realised he had started this tirade as an excuse to go class A tonight. I went to bed, because I'm exhausted from the endless cycle of verbal abuse.

I have to accept I can't stop or save him, but the thought of throwing him out with no place to go, and that I will never see the DC again is breaking my heart. I just can't deal with it he's worn me down now to the point where nothing matters anymore. The only escape I get is work, I just drive myself harder into it, and block my personal life out.

I can't see a way out, he's destroyed me.

SavageBeauty73 Fri 16-Mar-18 23:54:08

Read 'Co-dependant no more' and leave him.

No good will come of this. I don't regret my children but I should have left my addict ex husband years ago. Run for the hills!

elephantoverthehill Fri 16-Mar-18 23:56:13

Now that you have written this all down I think you will be able to consider things more clearly.

Sib86 Sat 17-Mar-18 00:05:00

This is awful, I am sorry you are going through this. From what you've written it doesn't sound like you get anything from this relationship except verbal abuse and heartache.
You cannot take responsibility for his choices, his children, the consequences of his actions, it will wear you down into the ground. I think you need to give him a final ultimatum and follow through. Sometimes doing the hardest thing is the best thing you can do for someone with a drug addiction.
My brother was a heroin addict for 25 years, my mother broke her heart, let him back in so so many times until she eventually realised she was enabling him and she had to let him go. She was terrified he would die and accepted that as a possibility, but it was always his choice and she couldn't live her life taking responsibility for him. He is now clean (several years), married, happy and doing so well.

It is horrific seeing someone you love in such a state, but its not your fault and you cant let it ruin your life.

Greenyogagirl Sat 17-Mar-18 00:06:27

Get. Out. Now. And let the children’s mother know.

Follyfoot Sat 17-Mar-18 00:09:57

Leave him. You have your own home and a career, so are in a much better position than many other women in your situation. He may never stop, he may stop one day, but he almost certainly wont stop whilst you enable him. Set yourself free.

Saladd0dger Sat 17-Mar-18 00:14:09

You can’t help him. He needs to really hit rock bottom before he decides to help himself. I know it’s hard watching someone you care for like that.

beachbodyunready Sat 17-Mar-18 00:14:42

It's no longer recreational it's happening most days, soon it will be everyday then several times a day, you can't stop it. Get out ASAP before you come home to his junkie friends crashed out on your sofa or worse still your house and possessions ransacked. All very sad but only he can change and st the moment he doesn't want to sad

AdaColeman Sat 17-Mar-18 00:15:49

You already know the answer to this, change the locks and don't let him back in, pack up his things and send them to his family/friend.

He won't be homeless, someone will take him in, where was he living before he moved in with you?

You have only known him 18 months, and already he has begun to destroy your life. You have to put yourself first here, for your own safety and sanity, and the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

If he didn't tell you about the drugs early in your relationship he really was setting you up, to take advantage of you, you know that already in your heart l'm sure.

His Ex is probably relieved that someone else has taken him on.

Your life if you stay with him, will disintegrate, you could lose your job even. Please put yourself first, because he will never put you first.

Isetan Sat 17-Mar-18 01:48:24

You haven’t lost or had your power taken away from you, you’ve surrounded it to a man with a serious drug habit and until you accept this, you will continue to go round in circles assuming the responsibility (enabling) someone who has no desire to change,

He hasn’t destroyed you, you still have choices and are in a better position than most. The problem here isn’t just his addiction, it’s also your inability to accept that you can’t fix him.

He coped before you let him move in and he’ll cope again when you come to your senses and you kick him out, why wouldn’t he?

Jellyheadbang Sat 17-Mar-18 02:06:29

What a fucking shame for you and for his kids.
I have ben here more than once with partners and with one of my parents. Nothing you do can change or improve this. You’re currently his enabler.
You’re not trapped you just feel like it cos you’re at a low ebb.
Stop it now. If you’re worried about his kids contact their mum or social services. You can’t fix this and he won’t. Don’t let him steal your life. I promise you you can get yourself free and leave him in the past.

breathedeepy Sat 17-Mar-18 02:09:44

Leave. It will be harder to leave for the reasons you've stated the longer you stay,

Yes it will be painful losing these children and painful for them losing you. It will be more painful the longer you stay though for you all.

This relationship has no future. The only possibility of one is you leaving and him potentially realising he's lost you and seeking help. I doubt he will- heroin makes people incredibly selfish. But that's the only hope

The only other way out of it is you in a box. Dead. He's lost his temper with you enough to call you a cunt over not doing a chore immediately? It won't get better, it will escalate.

You can leave. You can recover. You can meet someone else who might have lovely kids, or potentially look into having your own via various means if that's physically or mentally possible.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 17-Mar-18 02:45:15

He has places to go. And he will. He's high functioning so his life will continue, he just keeps coming back to you because you are his Easiest Touch OP.sad

He can't give you what you want. He can't even give his DC what they need. Cut him loose.

Norwolf Sat 17-Mar-18 02:53:29

Hard to say but in all truthfulness he is not ur problem to correct. You need to be selfish for ur own sake as ur fighting a loosing battle already. Do not destroy the beautiful life you once had and could continue to have with someone who will respect and love you by letting the wrong person into your life.

Howlongtilldinner Sat 17-Mar-18 03:42:39

OP, I’m sorry but you have to get him out.

When I met my ex, he was separated and had 3 DC who lived with their mum. Like you, I had my own home/job and financially ok, but I fell for him. He smoked weed, but told me he wanted/would/promised he’d stop, he never did. We had 2 DC together (adults now).

He held down a job, but was out all the time because of his ‘hobby’, I’m sure he was using other stuff too. He eventually ended up on crack cocaine. He tried a rehab programme but it was a nightmare, and I tried hard to keep it out of the way of the DC. The day of reckoning came when he asked for money, when I refused, he hit me. That was it for me. His family helped me get him out, went to live with his parents, and he never came back.

You are setting yourself up for a life of misery OP. He and his DC are not your responsibility, he is beyond your help. You’ve known him 18 months, please don’t let it drag on like I did. You sound like a good and kind person, he is taking advantage, don’t let him.

1forAll74 Sat 17-Mar-18 04:02:46

Oh this is such a sad posting here.You have a great career, home, and all et al. and then the man in your life. and all is now causing you so much grief. Its amazing, or maybe very stupid, to put up with a guy who is an addict to something or other.. In my case years ago, it was an absolute alcoholic, who became abusive, and dead to the world eventually, and now dead anyway. I don't know about drugs as such, but the road to nowhere it seems..

I hope that you can find a way out of your situation soon, just for yourself and just to be free and happy again.

namechange2222 Sat 17-Mar-18 06:36:37

From experience, now would be the ideal time to finish this relationship. Leave it any longer and there is a huge chance you will lose money and possessions, your house will be damaged. Your partner is not ready to stop using ( and we all know how bloody addictive heroin is) and his habit will get a lot worse. He's already needing to increase his use and I wouldn't be surprised if, while smoking heroin, he's not already using crack ( that could account for the nastiness recently) In my experience the two often go hand in hand these days.
I can understand that you love him, no reason why you shouldn't. But please, please love yourself more or he will destroy you

TheMythicalChicken Sat 17-Mar-18 06:47:14

Oh, poor you. And his kids. I think you should reach out to the ex and ask if you guys can keep in touch, at least.

Then please kick him out. You can't help him, only he can do that.

BeenThereDating Sat 17-Mar-18 07:43:01

Practise the scenario of kicking him out in your head. You already know how he plays it so imagine him trying to wheedle his way back in and imagine how you'd say no and imagine how you'd stay strong and keep playing this over until you've practised every possibility. It's a great way of not being on the back foot. As for the DC, if you have a civil relationship with their Mum maybe you could arrange a visit to them to say goodbye. Go and get an HIV test too. You'd be classified as high risk and even if he swears he's never injected don't believe him. He's an inveterate liar because it's all about the heroin. Not you. Not his DC.

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 17-Mar-18 07:50:27

He's no longer 'high functioning.' Because you are making his life comfortable and he feels secure, he's using more and his life is only going to spiral downwards.

He's not just using heroin, he's using you. You NEED to kick him out and reclaim your life, don't be a martyr or kid yourself that you have to look after him, you don't. He will find someone else to wash, cook, clean and provide a lovely environment for him to shit all over, and good luck to her. You have your own life and it has a wonderful future in it, but not if you keep enabling this guy.

KochabRising Sat 17-Mar-18 07:53:05

Leave him.
Get in touch with the ex.

newchapterforme Sat 17-Mar-18 07:57:51

Get out before he takes you and everything you've worked so hard for down the drain with him!

Tell the DC's mother everything. The children's welfare need to come first.

Truthstar Sat 17-Mar-18 07:59:34

Get him out of your home & your life.

You do know where this will end, right? Hes already increased his usage, it will ncrease more. Everything you've built up is now at risk. He may steal & sell your stuff, with increased usage he may begin injecting .... you may need tested.

Get him out. You don't owe him anything.

dontticklethetoad Sat 17-Mar-18 08:02:24

I lived like this for 5 years. If it wasn't for the fact that your partner has 3 kids, I'd wonder if it was the same man. The similarities are incredible.

You need him out of your life. You won't change him. All will happen is he will begin to resent your presence in his life and you will just be a barrier between him and his next score. But yet make it very hard for you to leave.
He will rob you of your money, your dignity and make you feel like you are going insane with his lies.

I still get panicky if I hear anyone moving around in the upstairs of our house. It brings back memories of when he'd wake up from a drug induced stupor to go and score again and we would argue.

Please leave him.

restingbemusedface Sat 17-Mar-18 08:02:54

You know what you need to do. He’s not your responsibility. He wants a nice house to have his comedown in.

And yes to telling his ex - his kids should t be around him when he’s like this

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