How do I end my controlling relationship

[Pinkninja25]

I really hope someone out there can give me some advice, I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what to do for the best. My partner and I have been together almost 8 years, we have a 3yr old child together, and are partners in a business that I run and take my wage from. It's been a rocky few years for us, we lost his younger brother to illness a couple of years ago which I believe in itself has put a massive strain on the relationship, but also my partner suffers long term with depression and anxiety, he has medication for it. He drinks a lot, too much in my opinion. He has recently stopped - been 5 weeks so far - this time. I believe he only stopped because I left the house with our child and went to my parents. I had had enough of pretending to be OK with the drinking amongst other things. I feel like my like has been sucked away, I never speak to my friends, never get invited out anymore. He has suggested in the past we go on nights out but nothing ever comes of it. Whenever I've arranged for my parents to have little one he always changes his mind last minute and says he'd rather stay in. It's difficult to get free time when I'm constantly working long hours. I feel like I have no life and I'm just existing day to day. He has always worked for his dad, but recently got 'sacked'. His dad still pays him a part time wage but he's home all day while I'm at work. A typical day for me would be get up early get little one up and dressed, breakfast then drop off with childminder before going to work for 9. Partner picks up little one at 5 and brings to shop, we swap over so he does late shift 5.30 -8pm I take little one home and make tea, put little one to bed, do housework. It upsets me that he's home all day, and does next to nothing but expects me to work all day then come home clean up and make his tea. This only scratches surface of reasons I want to end things with him. I just don't know how to do the best byy little one though coz partner would never let us go quietly not would he leave if I asked. He had already threatened if I want to end things I can go but little one stays with him and he will fight me. I don't want that for my child, but I don't want to be with partner. I feel trapped.

[Ariesgirl1988]

I'm so sorry for your situation but you have two choices either pack up and take your daughter to your parents or you pack his bags and change the locks! if he says he will fight you then go and seek legal advice but if he has a drinking problem and no job I doubt any judge would award him custody of a child he cannot provide for or look after specially if he has a drink problem as this is damaging for your child. Have you spoken to your parents about moving in with them until you can find a place for you both?

[Poshindevon]

Your partners not controlling he is a lazy, drunken waste of space,who you need to leave.
I never understand why women believe their partners threats that you can go but the child stays and I will fight for my child.
Firstly a court puts the the childs welfare first. Mediation is the first step before court and does your drunken out of worker lazy partner have the money to "fight" for his child.Solicitors bills are expensive and what about child maintenance?
Do you rent? Own your home?
Is he a partner in a limited company or partnership? See a solicitor get advice
Then kick him out and change the locks.

[Lilymossflower]

You aren't trapped. You can leave with your daughter.

What he has said about keeping the little one and you having to leave is emotional abuse. Authorities would recognise it as that if you told them.

And if it did get to custody then him as an alcoholic with no job wouldn't win. You and your daughter are Free to live as you choose!

[SandyY2K]

You can't be changing the locks on your joint home. That could cause you legal problems.

I think it's easier for you to leave with your child and sort out visitation/custody.

[Pinkninja25]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm sure you won't be surprised if I say it's nothing I didn't already know or expect to be told. I think I just need to bite the bullet and put and end to this for all our sakes.

I'm at work with him now and after having what I would term a pretty heated argument last night, he's talking to me and acting completely normal like nothing's happened. Little one is with his parents as my mum ' isn't allowed to'. She stood up to him and and told him about himself and so he's punishing her for it basically. I think goal for this week is to get some proper legal advice about home and business. I have to do it for me and for my child.

[xpc316e]

It wouldn't do you any harm to visit your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They'll give you a good idea of your basic rights and will probably be able to arrange a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor. It sounds as though you are mentally preparing to bite that bullet - best wishes.

[Whatiwishfor]

You carnt change the locks legally if its a joint mortgage, but you can "loose the key" so change the lock!!

[Pinkninja25]

OK so things took another turn yesterday morning when he confronted me in front of our 3 year old son. He wanted to know why we had slept in the the spare room again. I've been sleeping in there for the last month or so and little man has been getting in with me most nights. I believe it's a comfort thing for him and given the current situation I'd rather let him sleep in with me than force him to sleep on his own and traumatise him further. Anyway, my partner confronted me about it yesterday, I told him calmly I don't want to discuss in front of little one, but he kept on pressing. My son then got involved telling his dad not to shout at me. I felt so awful that he was trying to do this in front of his son! I could see he wasn't going to give in so I went upstairs with him out of the way of my son. He quizzed me some more about what is going on with us - he's been putting in the effort and I'm still giving him the cold shoulder apparently. He says I keep letting my mum influence our relationship. He seems to have a real downer on my mum. I wouldn't give him an answer so then he told me to pack my bags and get out. Obviously there's no way I'm going to do that and leave my son with him. He seems to be cranking up a notch everytime he flips at me. It really started to beat me yesterday and I got in a bit of a state, luckily for me my family are absolutely amazing. I had my parents and my auntie and uncle on the phone giving me a good old talking to and it's helped me to see things a bit clearer. I'm keeping my head down for now with him but secretly recording anything he says that is untoward. I need to protect myself and my son.

[stellarfox]

If I were you I’d move out into your parents ASAP! You are the much more responsible parent and the mother so I wouldn’t worry about custody. It doesn’t sound like he would have a chance. Sounds like a horrible situation at home and you do not want it to escalate. If you do not feel safe there leave tomorrow and sort the legal stuff afterwards. Hope you’re ok!

[Ariesgirl1988]

I agree with previous poster pack up and move to your parents asap where you will be much safer with your son. He has a downer on your mum because she stood up to him and sees through him clearly and people like your partner don't like those who stand up to them and see through them its makes them feel threatened hence why he says your mother is influencing you he wants complete control over u. I would leave asap and sort the legal stuff out later what matters is yours and your son's safety

[JaneEyre70]

You have somewhere to go, where you will both be safe and will have the strength and support to deal with what needs to be done. Don't wait another day. There is never a "right" time to go. It's basically you running the business, the home and the family while he does fuck all. Trust me, he's going to have a hard time proving otherwise to a court of law.

[rollingonariver]

Just leave op, it's the first step. Everything else will fall into place, he will not be granted custody and I doubt he'd even fight you. He's at home all day while his child is with a childminder? He couldn't look after him all day everyday it'd be too much effort for him. My mum was a family lawyer and she spoke to women in your situation all the time, not one of those men ended up actually fighting for the child (in fact most of them didn't even maintain contact).
Right now all you're doing is distressing your son by staying. Imagine being that tiny and seeing your mum beaten down by your dad? Horrible. You're also presumably funding his lifestyle? You work so he can afford to stay at home and live off of you. That money could be going towards doing nice things with your son. Don't let him keep taking things from your son, it's his childhood that he's ruining.

[rollingonariver]

Speak to SS and they'll tell you how serious his abuse of your child is. Even if he doesn't shout directly at him or hit him, this is still child abuse.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why are you still there? Just pack a bag and take your son to your Mum's. Today.

He seems to be cranking up a notch everytime he flips at me

What are you waiting for?

[Pinkninja25]

So I've left the house today, we're at my parents. He is going to go crazy when he realises we've gone. I feel quite scared now cos last time we stayed he came round and was banging on windows and doors and he told me after that he'd have kicked the door in to get to his son if he had to. I don't want any trouble but his constant abuse of me and my family have left me little choice

[Nanny0gg]

He does that again and you phone the police.

No second chances.

[Pinkninja25]

We are way past second chances now. I know it's the best thing for me and my son to be away from him. He needs a reality check. It's easy for me to say just difficult to actually do. I let things get on top of me - what if he does this...what if he says that...what if that happens... then before I know it I'm sat at home just trying to keep him off my back and avoid any conflict, but like my parents have said, all I'm doing is hurting myself and my son even more by staying

[Pinkninja25]

He thinks we're out doing the shopping at the moment. I'm gonna have to tell him soon that we've left the house, but as soon as I do he's gonna go berserk.

[StripeyDeckchair]

Sending strength & best wishes, you're doing the right thing for you & your son.

[snewsname]

Maybe phone the police now and tell them what happened last time and that you are expecting trouble later today. Then it's on record and they might respond a bit quicker?

[snewsname]

Do you have all your important paperwork/passports? Copies of his?
Can he empty any accounts etc to make finances difficult? In other words did you get a chance to get all your ducks in a row?

Enough possessions for a while?

[NameyMcChangeRae]

Well done Op
You’re doing the right thing for your son.
If he comes round tonight call the police. It’ll make things easier with access if you have him prosecuted for any abuse

[Iooselipssinkships]

Don't hesitate in calling the police and tell them the situation. He's already been aggressive in front of your child, that shows how much he cares. He wants the child to punish you. Tell them everything you've told us. You shouldn't have to be in fear.

[user764329056]

Well done OP, thinking of you and your son, call police immediately if you need to

[ilovekitkats]

I agree with snewsname can you ring 101 now and advise them you have left and that you expect trouble later? It might get you a faster response later if he turns up and is aggressive.

Well done on moving out