Should I stay or go?

[crossroads1]

Hi all,

I'm new here. I'm not married but have been with other half for 6+years. Last year we talked about getting engaged and things were the best they had ever been. He even brought the ring.

To cut a long a story short he started becoming really close to a female colleague, she would constantly send him msgs and in my gut I knew something wasnt right. To put my insecurities at ease I met her and thought I was being silly. Fast forward a few months and she sends him a pic of her in her underwear i see it because I snooped through his email (he saved it and emailed it to himself)and went mad and told him to cut off contact. He assured me they were just friends and she flirts outrageously with everyone. However since the beginning of the year he started going hot and cold and saying he didnt know if he wanted to stay with me or get married. This week shit hit the fan, I went to his work and saw them two leaving together, i didnt hear from him the whole weekend and when I eventually did he admitted they have been sleeping together (at work and her flat) and she has told him she loves him. He stays at her place and they seem to act like a couple. I was floored, even though I had suspicions I didnt think this affair was going on. On top of this he has been abusing cocaine and alcohol, smokes constantly and admits he is depressed. He has been signed off from work and said his mind isnt clear and he isnt thinking right. I believe this because I know this isnt the man I have known for all this time. He said he hasnt been coping for a while and he liked being in her company. After the affair was exposed he was apologetic but reverted back to 'my head is a mess and I need to sort everything out.' Forgot to add he is also in debt, has no savings and is working in a dead end job. I understand all of these stresses and have said I want him to get better and that we can try but deep down I don't know if I should or if I want to. This has been going on for 3 months whilst he told he needed space to sort himself out but really he was getting closer to her. Ive seen msgs in his phone of him telling his friends that his heart is with me and he will finish with the OW but he never did. Sometimes I would hear from him, sometimes I wouldnt. which wasnt like him at all but I know now that is of his own guilt. He says he knows he has ruined everything and I will never look at him the same, which seems like he has already given up. But what he is saying is true. I was cheated on before and they didnt sleep together but I still left.

Does anyone have any advice about this? I am not married yet and keep thinking that I could start fresh. I am 29. Also to add our realtionship has been unhealthy for a while - i used to check his email and social media, spying has become a compulsion. I am glad I have uncovered the truth but is this what all men do? Or is it me? I am going to therapy but can't decide whether i should put this behind me or atleast try to forgive. If I do, I should have stayed with my ex because he is much more together and apologetic. He was my first love.

I havent told many people about this because they all love him and I dont want to tarnish any hope that we may have. I feel like I have PTSD and maybe I am in denial. Even after it was exposed he still can't tell OW its over (and seems to be seeking solace in her) or tell me that it is what he wants. He is concentrating on his mental health and I am trying to be sympathetic but I cant wait around, I have to live my life too...

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You were right to ditch the old boyfriend.

You would be right to ditch this boyfriend immediately. He should be out of the house today.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It is not what all men do. Is your opinion of men so low?

All of them alcoholic cocaine-taking smoking debt ridden dead beats who fuck other women and expect to still live with you while they are at it?

Nope, you have found an unusally bad one. Like really really unusually bad. You should have dumped him way long ago.

The world is full of lovely normal men.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why are you even questioning whether to stay or go? Run like the wind! What an arsehole.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Wow. Why would you stay? He's with someone else - he's having sex and snorting coke at work... he's a dream, isn't he?

Dump this piece of work immediately. He has absolutely nothing going for him.

[Aprilmightmemynewname]

Didn't read past that they slept together. ... Ffs dump him today!!
Why are you not seeing that's the only option?

[Karigan1]

You’re 29 and have time to find someone who will treat you right. Leave now and start afresh.

Not all men are like that. I actually can’t imagine my guy cheating. My ex did but this one is a decent guy

[yetmorecrap]

You write very well and you can do so much better than this OP, he sounds a proper old school loser!!

[Brakebackcyclebot]

You are 29. Please go. Leave this tosser. You were right to leave the previous one too.

After you've got rid of this one, spend some time on your own, working out who you are, and what sort of person you want to be with.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why are your boundaries in relationships so very low here that you have at all put up with this person?. What did you learn about relationships growing up?.

What have you got out of this so called relationship these last 6 years?

Do not waste any more of your life on this individual. This is who he is and what he does.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow!
Please, for the love of god, start to value yourself.
Stop letting people overstep (understatement) your boundaries.
You are having counselling so please explore your own self worth with your counsellor.
No-one would put up with this so I've no idea why you are even considering it.
You need to understand why you are even asking this.
He should have been kicked out long ago.
Pack him a bag and leave it outside for him to collect.
Stop engaging and look at yourself.
Find yourself - fall back in love with yourself.
Then you'll be ready for the world.

[Adora10]

Please tell him to GTF, today! He's been and is taking the complete piss out of you, he's in a relationship with her and you are sympathetic, Jesus OP, wake up and find your anger and self respect. I actually thought this was a joke as it can't be serious.

Yeah so depressed he still managed to shag her in and out of work, tell you a pack of lies and snorts hundreds of pounds up his nostril.

Raise your bar, find a good man, and no, not all men are like this, he sound totally spineless and is treating you like crap, probably keeping you on the back burner in case his GF finds out what an utter creep he actually is.

[crossroads1]

Thank you all for your replies. I know reading it back he sounds awful, but since the day I met him he was lovely. He was kind and generous and just these last 6 months after he brought the ring he started to spiral, cold feet maybe? It started with drinking, then coke and then being distant with me and getting closer to OW. He has had depression for years but never addressed it, lost his dad when he was young and never spoke about his feelings. He is going to the doctor and maybe will be on the path to recovery. It is hard for me to accept this is the person I have been with for so long..

I don't know why I try to make excuses sometimes, I'll add we don't live together yet, we live separately with our immeditate families. I dont smoke but the OW does. He says I used to nag too much and put too much pressure on him which is when he would ignore me. He brought the ring and has got himself into debt for it. Im worried to start all over again and open myself up because I find it quite hard, which is maybe why I have stayed. Is mental illness an excuse for cheating? I had really high hopes and dreams when I was younger - i wanted to work abroad, start a blog, and just do what i wanted- and I suppose I have just been settling, most of my friends are married and have kids, and no one I know is single anymore. I know working on myself is the best option but having no bf/friends around petrifies me.

I dont know why I am considering staying, the only people who know are his family and obviously they will be biased towards him. Which is why I have come onto this forum, I havent told anyone the truth until today. ANy help is greatly appreciated because I clearly need it.

[YesitsJacqueline]

Let her have him ....He dont sound like a prize!

[Adora10]

He isn't going to recover from depression if he's snorting cocaine and drinking alcohol, not exactly the actions of a person that either needs help or is wanting it.

Even if he is, that does not give him licence to treat you like shit, I can't actually believe you are hanging about waiting on more hurt from him.

PLEASE TELL HIM TO PISS OFF OTHERWISE EXPECT MORE SHIT TREATMENT.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why do you try and make excuses sometimes?.

You cannot stay with this person now out of pity, habit or a fear of being alone. You're pretty much alone now as it is, you are with someone who makes you feel alone and that is much worse than actually being on your own. By being with him you sell your own self short.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Are you a rescuer, saviour or codependent in relationships?. None of this is any good for you whatsoever.

And no, mental health problems are not an excuse for cheating. Nor is a poor childhood. He does this because he can and he is taking you for a fool.

[crossroads1]

I feel sorry for him because I see so much hurt in his eyes. This isnt him. My old partner would never have cheated on me, he hardly spoke to any women at all. Your words are hitting me hard though and this is what I needed to hear. You are right, I have been alone for the last 6 months. I didnt see him for the entire month of Feb when he said he needed space to sort his depression out, little did I know he was with her.

Growing up I only had one real relationship for again around 5/6 years, broke up had a few rebounds and met current partner within 6/7 months. He has never had attention from anyone and I think this has given him an ego boost.

Maybe I am not painting a clear picture either but because I had big dreams and was frustrated that he kept pissing away his time at the pub I put him down a lot - saying he had nothing to offer, and that I could find someone better. Verbal abuse I guess. From the get go I dont think my mind or heart has been in the relationship but it progressed and I grew to love him when I got to know him. He did use coke occassionaly but I didnt think much of it. Ive been in a dreamworld for most of my life and I am so scared to wake up and face reality. What on earth will I do? I have a compulsion to go to his work and spy on him and the other half just to see if he has chosen her. Why the fuck am I even a choice?! We were meant to get married and I've been reduced to this. Im embrassed and humilated, that's the reason for excuses. I wanted to look good in everyone elses eyes and hide all of this shit. Everyone elses lives seem so perfect I wanted mine to be the same :(

[MarieG10]

Well you think he has been lovely but you also don't know how many other women he has fucked since you met him...just this time he got caught out.

If you want a husband you can't trust, and who wants to sleep with other women then crack on and get married and live a life of insecurity and pretty certain divorce. Your choice really but wouldn't be for me!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You see purely what you want to see; you see so much hurt in his eyes indeed. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds.

What about you in all this, do you not matter to you?

You will also be the architect of your own destruction should you be fool enough to have any relationship at all with him going forward now after all you know about him. You cannot unknow or unsee all that. You do not value yourself at all and that is what makes you attractive to all the low lifes you have surrounded yourself with.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why are you not angry? Why are you still hanging around for him, doing the 'pick me' dance? He is sleeping with someone else!

You can do so much better. Agree with poster above who suggests some time by yourself. I'd also try some counselling to improve your self esteem.

[Adora10]

You do not value yourself at all and that is what makes you attractive to all the low lifes you have surrounded yourself with.

This screams out from your posts OP, do you know what, use this situation to get yourself well, get to know you, love you, respect you, don't put anyone before you, esp a cheating git that uses depression as a means to treat you like utter crap.

[Jon66]

Find a nice decent man to marry. This bloke is unfaithful, manipulative, has addiction issues, cannot manage money, makes excuses for horrendous behaviour and is a liar. What are you doing even thinking of being with a person like that? Respect yourself woman.

[crossroads1]

wow, I am starting to feel worse about myself then I already did. but thank you adora10 because i do need to get myself well. I have clearly lost myself by focusing on him so much.

I am going out tonight after work with colleagues. Hopefully it will be the start of remembering who I am..

I was initially when I found out very angry, I tore up his house and other family members had to separate us. It was hard to believe his tears though as he had just come from her place. Why do I think so little of myself? He was persistent and I just went along with it. he wouldnt leave me alone and even brought us a puppy saying he was for our future. and then went ahead with the engagement ring. All his family kept saying "you know this isnt him, give him a chance" I know I will never get over it so why I am lying to myself? PTSD.

Speaking on here has helped though. Im shocked at how much a person can change. He is struggling, but it isnt an excuse for me to be treated this way because another woman pays him attention and he cant face his problems. How do we ever know when we have found the one? I just want to meet someone nice who shares my dreams..

[crossroads1]

just to add I think why I have been so understanding is because I have read a lot of people overcome infidelity in relationships. And go on to have even stronger relationships. He could overcome the addicitions and get back to his normal self but if I dont try I am throwing it all away.

I am so lost and confused.

[crossroads1]

www.huffingtonpost.com/michele-weinerdavis/10-things-you-must-know-a_b_7247708.html

Does anyone agree with this? Have you stayed in a marriage after an affair and did it work? My partner is exhibiting self destructive behaviour which is the only way I can see it right now

[Adora10]

He's not the one for you OP, nobody should accept their partner sleeping with OW, depressed or not, it's a basic lack of respect.

You have neither respect or trust, there is no real relationship here, just turmoil and hurt for you as he's calling all the shots.

Please go out tonight and think about moving on from him.