Daughters Graduation - Meal with Ex-Husband?

[Chloesmum1971]

I have been divorced from my first husband for 15 years and we have 2 children together, aged 20 and 18. I have subsequently married again and have a daughter with him and she is 12 years old.

My husband has always been jealous and insecure of my first husband and he convinced me to have no contact with him apart from texting to make arrangements for our 2 children. I stupidly agreed to this.

My dilemma now is that my eldest daughter is graduating in July this year and obviously wants me and her dad to attend and she has said that she would like us to go on for a meal afterwards to celebrate her graduation, along with a few other family members.

I have told my husband about this and he has hit the roof and said that if I go to the meal with my ex-husband that he will divorce me. He is adamant that this is what he will do. There has been a history of him 'bribing' me to do things his way throughout the relationship and I usually give in but I feel that this is the right thing to do for my daughter.

I would appreciate other people's opinions - am I being unreasonable or am I justified in agreeing to go for my daughter's sake.

[BuzzKillington]

Go for your daughter's sake.

Your 2nd husband is being idiotic and manipulative. He won't divorce you, and nor should he be able to attempt to bully you into doing something important for your daughter. Don't put up with such moronic behaviour.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

There is no way on this earth that I'd tolerate that.

Would he not be able to go for the meal and be civil?

[Thisisanewbeginning]

My parents divorced when I was 3. Throughout the major events in my life they (and their new partners) managed to behave in a civilised and polite manner.

Why does your DH feel so threatened by your ex? He sounds like an irrational controlling knob to be honest. I’m in the process of figuring out how to leave one at the moment.

You cannot miss a massive milestone in your daughters life because of his threats.

[Chloesmum1971]

Thank you BuzzKillington. I feel I am doing the right thing but I guess I wanted someone to confirm that for me. He is a bully and in the past I have put up with physical abuse from him (I know, I should have left him long ago) but he eventually received a police caution for abusing me physically (Battery) and has since not done anything like that because he knows he will be prosecuted so I think he uses emotional abuse as a way to control me now.

[Brokenbiscuit]

Absolutely, you should go. Your DH has no right to try and manipulate you in that way - what an arse!

He won't divorce you for it, despite the threats, but do you actually want to stay married to someone so controlling anyway?

[Chloesmum1971]

Thanks MyBrilliantDisguise - I suggested that he could come along too but he just spat a load of abuse about my ex.

Thanks Thisisanewbeginning - He is a controlling knob and I don't understand why he feels so threatened. I really don't see why he can't just accept that I could be civil for my daughter's sake

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Seems like now might be a good time to set yourself free.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

I'd like to read his bit on "unreasonable behaviour" in the divorce petition. Wanting to go to your daughter's graduation won't quite do it.

[eggsandwich]

Tell your husband to grow up and that you will be going to your daughters Graduation Meal whether he likes it or not and that if he feels he needs to divorce you as a result of your attendance to the meal then so be it but your still going.

Unfortunately I think you’ve allowed him to be way too controlling of your life now it’s time to take control back.

[NameChange30]

Um. This is not about a graduation dinner. This is about your abusive cunt of a husband and the fact that you need to leave the bastard.

As the adult child of separated parents, I cannot begin to tell you how painful it is that they can’t/won’t share important life events with me. No joint meal at my graduation. Lots of awkwardness at my wedding and apparently one offended the other so badly with their behaviour that they will no longer attend other events together. So my son and I will never get to have both my parents at his birthday parties, for example, and other events as he grows up.

That’s minor in relation to the bigger picture of your abusive relationship. But make no mistake that your husband can do and is doing a lot of damage to your relationship with your children. And you’re teaching your youngest a terrible relationship model, too.

Get support from Women’s Aid, helpful family/friends. And leave the bastard.

[Chloesmum1971]

In answer to your question - no, I probably don't want to stay married to him. I think this current situation has just re-affirmed to me that he is a bully

[Dvg]

What a joke of a man

[Chloesmum1971]

Thank you everybody, I feel quite overwhelmed. I have never participated in any kind of forum before and I'm careful what I say to my friends and family about my relationship because I don't want to be judged etc.

I truly am thankful for your responses and I was curious as to whether I had perhaps done something wrong by agreeing to go to the meal.

The fact that nobody has even suggested that maybe I see things from his point of view etc. has made me feel confident in the fact that I am definitely making the right decision.

I truly am thankful for your support, advice, encouragement etc.

[Justoneme]

There must be a back story her ... you are picturing your first husband as god and your second husband as some kind of monster ...

[ivykaty44]

Go

[Talith]

Definitely call his bluff and go. He's being entirely unreasonable and selfish. He's happy to upset your daughter for what reason exactly? because it makes him feel insecure?

I'm worried that you say he's physically assaulted you. The only reason you shouldn't go is if you think he would become violent, and that in itself would be a sufficient reason to leave the marriage.

If you go and he divorces you then he's saved you a job!

[pog100]

You will find an awful lot of support and encouragement here when you leave him too. You will never find anyone seeing his point of view because it is the point of view of an abusive, controlling, childish idiot of a bully. They are in short supply on MN.
Please, please stick to your guns. Let this be a turning point.

[Sirzy]

Sounds like if he does leave you for going that would simply be an added bonus.

But yes go and enjoy the meal. And give what you want in future some serious consideration too

[Grobagsforever]

My stepmother banned my dad from eating a meal with my mum and her partner and me at my graduation. She was also invited.

Dad and I are no contact these days. Your second husband is absolute manchild prat. I have no words

[pog100]

@justoneme what are you talking about. She hasn't mentioned her first husband's qualities at all, and the facts of her present, hopefully soon to be ex, husband speak for themselves, police caution and all...

[Allthebestnamesareused]

When my DS graduated despite the fact I don't get on well with my ex, ex and his wife and DH and I all went for a meal with DS because - you know - adults/sake of our son/there will be other events as he goes through life/just get on with it.

It was actually alright and means there will be no fear to have to go to weddings etc in the future.

Your current DH is being a twat. Would he feel better if he were invited too?

[HoHoHoHo]

Your dh is being a dick. As someone in a relationship with a man who has two daughters I can understand pangs of insecurity regarding the ex but this is totally unreasonable. Your daughter will never forgive you if you put him first on this occasion.

[Justoneme]

I just don't get it .... why come on a forum to slag of your husband? .... of course go for the meal with your ex and daughter if there isn't a back story ... doesn't make sense to me.

[Chloesmum1971]

Justoneme - the back story is my first husband ended our relationship (on our 6th wedding anniversary). We had both fallen out of love with each other but I didn't want to end the marriage because I had been brought up to believe that marriage is for life. I later found out that he had actually been having an affair but this broke up soon after anyway.

I met my current husband 6 months after my first husband left me and we have been together 16 years. From the start he insisted that I didn't need to speak to my ex-husband (we had been getting on in a civillised manner for the children's sake) and said that the access arrangements were made so when he picked the children up or dropped them off we stopped speaking because my husband (he was my partner then) threatened to end the relationship. In hindsight I should have stood up to him back then, I know.

My parents continued to speak to and visit my ex husband so my current husband again threatened to end the relationship if I didn't issue them with an ultimatum to either stop speaking to him or lose me from their life. They chose to still see him so I cut contact with them for about 18 months until one day my dad rang me and said that he would agree for him and my mum to stop contact with my ex for the sake of having a relationship with me again.

My ex never actually did anything wrong - yes he had an affair and divorced me but the relationship was over anyway, we were just 2 parents to 2 lovely children. He was never abusive or controlling and even to this day if I asked him for help he would probably still go out of his way to help me.

[Adora10]

See things from his POV means being a bully, violent and manipulative, most normal functioning adults are not like this, I pity you OP being stuck with such a horrible mean spirited man, perhaps it's time you also went off and had a good life instead of suffering that crap.