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I have decided to end my relationship - help me see this through

(753 Posts)
Thisisanewbeginning Tue 13-Mar-18 23:19:24

So I am 42, due to be married this July. I have finally made the decision to end my relationship.

‘D’P is I believe a master at coercive control and emotional manipulation. He has anger issues and has never been violent to me. But he has kicked objects etc.

He belittles me, sulks, is demanding food r attention. Does nothing at home (and it’s all my fault).

Conversely he can be funny, affectionate, life and soul of a party, and ‘normal’.

I feel like I am on a wheel and I never know who I’m coming home to. Since we had a joint account (which we both put money into) I get grilled about what I’ve spent. I get accused of being reckless with money (it’s usually food). He has asked repeatedly about having my salary transferred into this account and he controls all of the money. This is because I can’t be trusted.

He wants to live a lifestyle beyond our means and we are scrimping to afford it. I have a mental health problem (depression or possibly bipolar) and I’m due for my first consultation appointment next month. I’m also in counselling.

I am not happy but I feel incredibly guilty. I own the house, car etc. I will be leaving him with nothing. He will not understand and this will be a bolt out of the blue.

I need a handhold over the next few weeks. Sorry for the essay!

Thisisanewbeginning Tue 13-Mar-18 23:20:01

For not food although he does eat huge amounts!

MyRelationshipIsWeird Tue 13-Mar-18 23:23:01

Wow Thisis flowers you’re incredibly brave making this step for your own well being. I know it isn’t easy but it’s sooo the right decision.

I have been where you are, in several relationships (I’m a slow learner!) and I can guarantee you that once you leave him and establish your own life without him you will be happier and more relaxed than you can imagine.

There will be bumps along the way but MN will be here to be your cheerleaders. You’ve got this brewcake

theeyeofthestormchaser Tue 13-Mar-18 23:24:04

Sounds like a great decision. I bet when you leave your abusive partner, your depression will also leave, and you will be much happier.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Tue 13-Mar-18 23:24:07

Out of interest, did you have depression and MH issues before you met him?

Mary1935 Tue 13-Mar-18 23:27:38

Hi This you are certainly doing the right thing by not marrying him and getting out of this relationship. He is controlling and is slowly trying to suck you in.
I would let family and friends know what he's like and seek advice from women's aid in how to safely extract yourself from this man.
Others will be along hopefully - why do we feel guilty? You've earned and worked hard for your things - obviously he hasn't got a pot to piss in and is probable a cocklodger. Don't feel guilty - he will bleed you dry.
Take care of yourself and be mindful off him.

Thisisanewbeginning Tue 13-Mar-18 23:29:13

I was depressed when I met him but in recovery after a very traumatic end to a ten year relationship.

He was (or seemed to be) just what I needed. Funny, kind, affectionate. He did push my boundaries and moved in way too quickly. Things started to change after about 6 months but I put it down to getting settled in a new relationship. The ups were much greater than the downs.

I think I just wasn’t ready to see the truth until the wedding was becoming real and I realised how far from me I am becoming. If that makes sense?

FetchezLaVache Tue 13-Mar-18 23:32:42

You are absolutely right not to marry him and please try not to feel guilty about it. He sounds awful - I felt smothered and anxious just reading that, so I can't imagine what it's like to live with it! PPs have hit the nail on the head saying that your MH issues may be bound up in all this. Good luck.

Thisisanewbeginning Tue 13-Mar-18 23:32:43

I contacted the live well telephone line tonight and had a really supportive conversation. I felt validated that this isn’t a ‘normal’ relationship. I have been I suppose conditioned to think it’s all my fault. Whenever I try to pull away he is incredibly loving and nice.

My mum and dad know and I’ve also spoken to my best friend. They are all relieved but I’m scared I’m lacking the backbone to do this and yes I feel guilty because we are in a ‘good’ place from his perspective (basically I’m playing by the rules and not annoying him)

MyRelationshipIsWeird Tue 13-Mar-18 23:42:46

Classic emotional abuse. You are conditioned to ‘behave’ so it’s all going fine. For now.

Did you take much time for yourself after your previous abusive relationship ended? When you meet someone on the rebound, even if they seem like the complete opposite, often they are more familiar than we like to admit!

I’ve been reading a book about codependent relationships. It’s aimed mainly at people who are involved with addicts, but it also applies to anyone who gives too much of themselves in a relationship and loses their identity by trying so hard to please their partner.

Nothing earth shattering but it does help to go back and have a think about all your previous relationships, including parents, friends etc and try to see the patterns. With self care you can start to value yourself more highly and stop settling for people who can’t give you a healthy partnership.

Thisisanewbeginning Tue 13-Mar-18 23:47:09

I was single for about 12 months between relationships and I was a mess. My previous relationship wasn’t abusive but ended in rather difficult circumstances.

I had just started to find my feet again when I met him.

Thisisanewbeginning Tue 13-Mar-18 23:49:25

I think on reflection that I’ve always bounced from one relationship to another. I haven’t had a significant period of time single since my twenties.

I need some space and time.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Tue 13-Mar-18 23:52:20

Yes, take some time to feel happy and fulfilled so that anyone who comes along in future doesn’t get to take over your life, just add to it.

TheMonstrousRegiment Tue 13-Mar-18 23:53:06

Hang in there Op and use MN as much as needed.

Take care of youflowers

tallwivglasses Wed 14-Mar-18 00:06:30

Yes I think you'll get a lot of support here. You can do it 😊

Thisisanewbeginning Wed 14-Mar-18 02:31:45

Still awake. DP works nights and have had a message about how great I look and that he loves me.

Feeling like crap and doubting myself. I’m sure everyone does at times like these but it doesn’t make it any easier!

Snowysky20009 Wed 14-Mar-18 02:42:04

Stay strong. You know you have to end it.

pog100 Wed 14-Mar-18 03:39:59

One text is easy to make and does not in any way whatsoever compensate for all the awful controlling behaviour you have outlined. Stay resolute, it is very clearly the right thing. He is about to lose his easy life, and may sense it, of course he will try to be lovely.
The best of luck, you can do it especially with the help of family, friends and MN.

Thisisanewbeginning Wed 14-Mar-18 08:13:31

I got through the night. He is home and in bed, are they psychic? Because he is being lovely at the moment. I am in danger of minimising his behaviour which is why I am posting and talking to my mum.

It feels surreal. My dad is of the opinion that my DP has basically screwed with my head and i know they are worried I won’t go through with it. So am I tbh. He has done a good job on me hasn’t he?

bastardkitty Wed 14-Mar-18 08:19:24

'are they psychic?' - not psychic exactly, but highly controlling people are very tuned in to notice tiny shifts that may indicate loss of control and therefore the need to apply manipulation. Just keep listening to yourself and try to observe what he is doing, rather than panicking about what it means. As soon as he thinks things have settled, he will revert to type.

Rosielily Wed 14-Mar-18 08:23:57

Yes he has done a good job on you - BUT - you acknowledge and realise that he has which gives you the upper hand. Should you find yourself wavering, and we've all done it, just read back over this thread and remind yourself of why you posted here in the fIrst place. And as others have said, take time out to be on your own. Remember, being in a relationship does not have to be a life goal. Being happy, confident and content within yourself should! Good luck thanks

Latymer2018 Wed 14-Mar-18 08:29:58

Yes - it does seem like they're psychic at times like this. You're feeling wary, suddenly they are super nice. It's worth remembering that your parents and friend who know him, don't like him. They have a more objective view of him because they're not subject to the love bombing and the mind games. They don't like the way he treats you, this is not because they don't understand him, it's because they understand him only too well. This sounds so familiar to me. Men like this are often addictive because they are charismatic and can make you feel like the most loved woman alive - when it's on their terms. It's as you said, it's perfect when you play by the rules. I tried to leave a number of times, in the end what worked was telling him with a close friend waiting in the car outside, driving away and keeping contact to an absolute minimum. I asked him to pick up his things when I wasn't there and only spoke to him on the phone. I told him I didn't want to see him, I wasn't going to change my mind and he needed to leave me alone. In the end he did, and it took him just a few months to move onto a new victim. Good luck. Do it soon and get on with your new and better life. Enjoy your freedom, I have.

Thisisanewbeginning Wed 14-Mar-18 08:38:39

Thank you all. I feel like I’m going crazy at the moment and I’m already mentally unwell! It’s helped thinking about the bad times and I’ll be back later to post as a reminder to myself.

Nanny67 Wed 14-Mar-18 08:51:04

I'm currently in the same boat and I called 101 yesterday because I thought I was going crazy. The police came round (I was alone) for 3 hours - all I would say OP is keep yourself safe. I'm still in denial but apparently manipulative controlling men are very skilled in the push/pull. I withdrew a bit yesterday and while the police were here he was texting me saying he loves me - he's not said that for about a month!! Make sure you tell as many people as you can - professional organisations can give support and advice and the police are fab. None of my experiences are physical but he twists my words and my mind. I've already been admitted to the psychiatric unit twice in 6 months because he made me think I was crazy!!

Ryder63 Wed 14-Mar-18 08:53:02

Your post made me anxious, too! this man sounds horrible. Definitely trying to take over your life completely for HIS benefit. 'Cocklodger'- as a pp said - seems an apt description.

A very good idea to spend some time single, be kind to yourself, and evaluate acceptable behaviour for the next relationship you have. Not this one!

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